Turning point Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 There are a lot of people on this site who confuse direction for advice. Try not to be the conduit for other people's unresolved anger. I would keep the talking going. Expect to get trickle truth (minimized bits and pieces) but, if you give her a safe space to reveal herself you will get much further than you can with coercive or manipulative behavior. It takes time, often more time than you believe you have patience for. Be patient for you kids if not for yourself. Truth will come in small pieces and you will have to be strong not to flip out over each little contradiction or nugget that may illicit your fear or anger. Anger and intense questioning will shut her down. This is where a couples therapist is a good idea - it creates a controlled playing field where you can hear what she is really saying and have support in controlling your reactions. Remember, that even if she's not cheating you are asking her to reveal things about herself that all of us work very hard to hide from ourselves let alone anyone else. You cannot beat this information out of her - if you want to know the first hand account of your wife's experience then you have to lead her to a safe place where she can reveal it. If you are playing detective you are best advised not to reveal or confront her about what you know if your intention is to keep your marriage. If your marriage does survive this you'll be better off for seeing her move closer to you one truthful step at a time than had you made your own assumptions and slam dunked her with your best guess. Be patient and stay calm. You'll learn soon enough what kind of fabric your wife is really made of. Try not to rip up the very thing you want to examine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 .. being a passive scared doormat .. OP, what do YOU want? We know what the spectators want, but you're the one actually standing in the arena. What kind of person do YOU want to be? Stay true to yourself, because ultimately this is the one person you can never separate from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Truth is, she is at minimum having an EA and has been doing so for the majority of the marriage. Doing what turning point is suggesting amounts to allowing the same behavior, she has been trickle truthing him for about a decade. Stop allowing her to control the narrative, stop allowing her to gaslight you. Honestly, sometimes the "marriage " isnt worth the effort and some people simply shouldn't be married. From what I cant tell this probably is true in this case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Stop allowing her to control the narrative, stop allowing her to gaslight you. Honestly, sometimes the "marriage " isnt worth the effort and some people simply shouldn't be married. From what I cant tell this probably is true in this case. What marriage? I don't see a real one. Trying to save a marriage at all costs doesn't get you a thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 OP, what do YOU want? We know what the spectators want, but you're the one actually standing in the arena. What kind of person do YOU want to be? Stay true to yourself, because ultimately this is the one person you can never separate from. That's a fair question. OP your wife likes having an X in your marriage. Works great for her. Unknown to you until recently. How do you like it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 There are three small children here. The OP needs to consider just how far he wishes to push his wife here. Yes he could divorce her and feel "Oh so justified" to loud clapping from the Betrayed Spouses on here, and then what? With small children and divorced she will wish to remarry. Is having his kids brought up by another man acceptable to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 There are three small children here. The OP needs to consider just how far he wishes to push his wife here. Yes he could divorce her and feel "Oh so justified" to loud clapping from the Betrayed Spouses on here, and then what? With small children and divorced she will wish to remarry. Is having his kids brought up by another man acceptable to him? Is living with her X in the marriage acceptable? That's what it boils down to. It is his decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 OP is not damaging or blowing up his marriage. His wife's actions are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 It depends on what her views are regarding the marriage. This may indeed be an exit affair* and she may use it as excuse to leave and file, but if she chooses to stay and try to sort it out, then he will be the one who blows up the marriage if he decides then to leave or divorce. *affair - assuming that this is an actual affair... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 It depends on what her views are regarding the marriage. This may indeed be an exit affair* and she may use it as excuse to leave and file, but if she chooses to stay and try to sort it out, then he will be the one who blows up the marriage if he decides then to leave or divorce. *affair - assuming that this is an actual affair... I doubt it's an exit affair. It's been going on too long for that. Sounds more like cake eating. So far she's not attempting to end it with the X so it's on her. At this time OP's marriage is just a piece of paper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Elaine there is no marriage, not really. His wife's ex has been there the entire time. She has been having secret meet up, inviting him to him to her work place and into thier home all while knowing her husband was NOT ok with it. With or without sex by the definition it is an AFFAIR. No one has to be ok with this, no one should be guilted into staying married to someone like this for the sake of the children. If he is ok with it then by all means (he clearly isnt btw). Saying he would be blowing up a marriage that his wife has never really been invested In is bullying tactics and gaslighting at its finest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Bottom line OP, there is a such thing as a successful divorce. You have been fighting this battle with your wife throughout your relationship with her, she responded with more of the same. You have made the effort, maybe it's time to realize that the marriage may not be salvageable in which case you can walk away knowing you've made the effort and it has been unmatched. That doesn't mean you blew up the marriage, simply put you've not had a marriage. Ultimately only you can make that decision since you have to live with the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 My thoughts. Woman at home with three very small children. Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep. No real adult conversation. A baby making machine. Trapped. Depressed. Ex Fiance enters the scene. Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times. No doubt he lays the compliments on thick. She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world... In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops... She returns to the fold. Is this a hill to die on? 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 My thoughts. Woman at home with three very small children. Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep. No real adult conversation. A baby making machine. Trapped. Depressed. Ex Fiance enters the scene. Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times. No doubt he lays the compliments on thick. She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world... In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops... She returns to the fold. Is this a hill to die on? Absolutely....absolutely no more worthy hill to die on then one that diminish your self worth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Hacked her phone. Not proud of doing it. No evidence of PE. Talking about it. But nothing concrete. You've taken the first step to finding the truth. Do you have a next step in mind? One at a time is very acceptable until you reach some level of satisfaction. Did you find an ally? You need someone on the scene as a sounding board and just to talk things out with. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 4, 2019 Author Share Posted August 4, 2019 You've taken the first step to finding the truth. Do you have a next step in mind? One at a time is very acceptable until you reach some level of satisfaction. Did you find an ally? You need someone on the scene as a sounding board and just to talk things out with. Best Wishes I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 My thoughts. Woman at home with three very small children. Tired, bored, feeling unwanted and unloved. Little or no sleep. No real adult conversation. A baby making machine. Trapped. Depressed. Ex Fiance enters the scene. Interesting, exciting, reminds her of happier times. No doubt he lays the compliments on thick. She has purpose and meaning to her life again. She looks forward to his messages, a ray of light in a dull world... In March something happened, not sure what but messaging stops... She returns to the fold. Is this a hill to die on? This sounds like you are sympathetic to the OP's wife. Feeling "trapped" and "depressed" is no excuse for a long term emotional affair. A spouse who is not "interesting" or complimentary enough doesn't deserve to be lied to. Would you be as sympathetic if the OP was cheating on his wife with an ex? Why or why not? I'm curious. Many spouses value infidelity so much that they will end their marriages over it. This is not unusual or irrational. I do agree that children should be considered when making the decision to divorce. Ultimately, spouses who are thinking of divorce need to decide whether or not the children would be better off in the long run. Blended families are notoriously difficult and so is the emotional fallout of divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 This sounds like you are sympathetic to the OP's wife. Not really, but the three kids under five scenario is well known to be hell on earth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Not really, but the three kids under five scenario is well known to be hell on earth. So is living in infidelity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. You need some time to think. Maybe go visit family. Etc. alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 If the roles were reversed and you had invited your old girlfriend to your home on multiple occasions when your wife was away; and in addition, texted about having sex with her; how do you think your wife would have responded? Would she be passive and accepting as you have been? Tell her that this is a dealbreaker for you and demand a polygraph from her and most certainly DNA your children. No consequences to her actions equal no motivation to change. The actions of your wife show a tremendous amount of disrespect toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Sounds like you have access to her phone. If you want the full truth do a deleted text recovery using Fonelab. Unless you found enough. Sorry you're here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 OP, don't stay in the victim chair to long. It won't get you much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 (edited) We have three adorable children, 4, 3, and 2. Either DNA your kids now or never do it. They are young enough to not know what you're doing but that will not be true much longer. No one has to know that you did it. You can buy a kit at about any drug store, WalMart etc. You swab the inside of your cheek and theirs. Then sent it to a lab. You may never know what your wife has been up but at least you will know 100% about the kids. You love them so you're not testing the kids you're testing your wife. Edited August 4, 2019 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 I don't know what my next step is. I don't really know what to do. Just devastated. I have only spoken to one person about it at all and I didn't say much. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Do you know if the boyfriend has a wife or SO? Get a voice activated recorder. Make sure it doesn't make noise and if there is a led put some tape on it. Put the VAR where she is likely to make a phone call. This is usually in the house or her car. Attach it with heavy duty Velcro under the car seat. If she has computer, install a key logger program. Recover the deleted texts on her phone. Look up the 180 program on Chump Lady Six items my friend for your consideration. You are in control. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
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