Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Say nothing. The info you seek is in her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. Your overall message since joining seems to be telling BHs that they are weak and immature if they dont just accept poor behavior and move on as if it didn't happen. Here in the real world that wreaks of someone that lacks self worth, and finds their value in a woman no matter how poorly she treats him. What is 6our motivation to basically repeat this same message in every situation? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Your overall message since joining seems to be telling BHs that they are weak and immature if they dont just accept poor behavior and move on as if it didn't happen. Here in the real world that wreaks of someone that lacks self worth, and finds their value in a woman no matter how poorly she treats him. What is 6our motivation to basically repeat this same message in every situation? If DK had not beaten me to it I would have written the same post. I usually try to ascertain a person viewpoint and philosophy by reading multiple posts but in your case those posts don't exist. I have no problem with you presenting your case to the OP. This is an opinion forum and I'm certainly open to alternate points of view but I'm really having a hard time seeing the world through your eyes. You are very verbose. Please share your insight with me. You can use the OP's situation as an example. How would you get his wife to tell the truth? What is this safe place he must lead her to in order to get the truth and how would he accomplish that when he has trouble getting up each morning? Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? You give the lawyer your story. He will then explain your options under the state where you live. If he/she is a pure divorce lawyer they may have resources that will help you get to the truth. He may have suggestions based on his/her experience that will help you decide how to handle the situation. If you can find the right one, they can be a valuable ally albeit an expensive one. Going to a lawyer will make the spouse aware of how serious you are viewing her transgressions. Instead of Defcon5 you've now jumped to defcon3. It can be used as leverage but you must be willing to go through with it. It should never be used as a bluff. It's just information and you get to make the decision on how it is used. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 When I see a lawyer, what do I need to have and what do I even ask? So you have decided you want to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 So you have decided you want to divorce? I haven't yet, but I would like to have the information. She says she's willing to do anything to make it work right now. Don't know where I'm leaning right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 So you confronted and she confessed. What was her excuse? Important to get tested for STD's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 That question wreaks of insecurity. Her reaction will be that she is repulsed. Sorry TP. I mixed you up with another poster and thought you had 50 posts instead of 500. I will start reading post haste. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I haven't yet, but I would like to have the information. She says she's willing to do anything to make it work right now. Don't know where I'm leaning right now. Bud, she's in self protection mode upfront. They all promise you the moon at first but time and her actions will tell you what you need to know. Remember, cheaters lie a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Have you gotten the full truth? If not remember it'll be in her deleted texts in her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 So you confronted and she confessed. What was her excuse? Important to get tested for STD's. Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know Cheater script. They all do that. Any excuse wil do to justify their unjustifiable actions. It's total BS Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Look up the terms blamshifting and trickle truthing (she'll only admit to what you can prove). You were in the same marriage. She's not perfect. Did you have an excuse yo cheat? She in self preservation mode. Unless this changes you can stay but you'll never reconcile the marriage. You don't get the truth now you won't and long term it'll make it difficult to live with this. You can deal with the truth. You can't deal with the unknown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Look... Bottom line,...do you want to throw away your marriage and destroy your children's family over something that happens in the past that you really can't even say really happened to begin with? People do stupid things sometimes,..as she did. She isn't doing it now. The guy is involved with someone else now. Is it worth wrecking 5 lives over it? Make up your mind. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 She’s pissed all over your marriage - and she is acting like it’s no big deal! Why? Maybe because it is no big deal... She KNOWS what happened, we don't... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Look... Bottom line,...do you want to throw away your marriage and destroy your children's family over something that happens in the past that you really can't even say really happened to begin with? People do stupid things sometimes,..as she did. She isn't doing it now. The guy is involved with someone else now. Is it worth wrecking 5 lives over it? Make up your mind. She threw away the marriage and wrecked the family. He's just dealing with the aftermath. Not everyone can suck it up and become a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Maybe because it is no big deal... She KNOWS what happened, we don't... That is the problem. Cheaters lie hide and deny. Not everyone has the capability to become a doormat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Apparently she just wasn't happy for a bit. Insists nothing physical happened. I know Beav, you came on to this forum and told us about your situation and suspicions. We gave you advice and asked you questions, and all you give us are the briefest responses. You don't answer the questions you are asked. You seem to avoid anything remotely unsettling. We really are trying to help you and save you even more grief. So would you please, tell us what has transpired between you two? Tell us what you've done to get to the real truth, if anything? We can't give good advice or encouragement if we don't know what's going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 She threw away the marriage and wrecked the family. He's just dealing with the aftermath. Not everyone can suck it up and become a doormat.I think you are inserting or projecting your own reactions and emotions into it. I went back and read all the OP's messages and I don't see anything solid enough to claim any of that. All I see was that she had some text sessions with the Ex (from 14 years in the past) and now is no longer doing that,...and the Ex is now involved with someone else (not her) and there is no current communication between the Ex and the OP's wife now. It wouldn't be the first time that a wife had a moment of stupidity and texted an old Ex for a period of time. Nothing physical came out of it,...she didn't even deny doing it when asked about it as if she never considered it something to hide. This isn't anything to destroy a family over,...maybe a night or two sleeping on the couch, but not the destruction of the home and family life of 3 kids who need their parents. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beaver0273 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 Beav, you came on to this forum and told us about your situation and suspicions. We gave you advice and asked you questions, and all you give us are the briefest responses. You don't answer the questions you are asked. You seem to avoid anything remotely unsettling. We really are trying to help you and save you even more grief. So would you please, tell us what has transpired between you two? Tell us what you've done to get to the real truth, if anything? We can't give good advice or encouragement if we don't know what's going on. Sorry, been in a daze. Got into her phone Saturday night. Saw some texts. A few really stood out. He said 'kinda still in love with you'. She replied 'honestly, I feel the same way. How is it that we had our chance and basically blew, then ended up like this?'. Another she said something like 'you are like my drug. I can go so long not seeing you and I'm fine. But when I do I dont want to see you leave' . Others somewhat like that. Woke her up, fight ensued. Said she was stupid, swore up and down nothing physically happened. Got here phone out to call him. No answer. Tried again, no answer. Haven't done much of anything the past few days. Too torn up to do much. Survive. She is offering to go through all her texts with him. Recovering deleted, to try and show me those texts were the worst that happened. The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I think you are inserting or projecting your own reactions and emotions into it. I went back and read all the OP's messages and I don't see anything solid enough to claim any of that. All I see was that she had some text sessions with the Ex (from 14 years in the past) and now is no longer doing that,...and the Ex is now involved with someone else (not her) and there is no current communication between the Ex and the OP's wife now. It wouldn't be the first time that a wife had a moment of stupidity and texted an old Ex for a period of time. Nothing physical came out of it,...she didn't even deny doing it when asked about it as if she never considered it something to hide. This isn't anything to destroy a family over,...maybe a night or two sleeping on the couch, but not the destruction of the home and family life of 3 kids who need their parents. Says you. Now who is projecting? I filed for divorce with far less evidence of an affair than OP has. Guess what happened, my wife, once served with papers song like a canary, fessed up to everything after 14 months of lying. Not everyone can live a inauthentic life, I couldn't live with knowing in my gut that she had done something and wouldn't tell. Not all of us can bury our heads in the sand and just be ok with it. Ultimately I filed for divorce for my kids, I was in a head space where I had lost all respect for thier mother and I didn't want to see that lack of respect manifested in front of my children. Sometimes divorce is addiction by subtraction 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) She replied 'honestly, I feel the same way. How is it that we had our chance and basically blew, then ended up like this?'. The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018. Your obsession with texts from a year and a half ago,...her comment to the Ex of "then ended up like this" ["this" = "you & her"],...her willing attempts to go back and retrieve all the messages to prove to you nothing came of it..., makes me think that there is far more going on here than meets the eye, and I am directing that at you. You may be the driving force that pushed her to the point of contacting the Ex to have someone she once felt close with to confide in back in early 2018. It is starting to clearly look like you are not someone that she can confide in. When a woman does not feel heard, and understood,...you will lose them. That is two of the most important needs a woman has. Her desperate willingness to show you all of the old texts is her attempt to be heard & understood. There may not be any hope for this situation, and I am not laying that at her feet, I am laying that at yours. What I hear from you is no love for your wife,...only "you" and what she did to "you", and what "you" might lose. Sorry.. Edited August 7, 2019 by PRW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) I filed for divorce with far less evidence of an affair than OP has.That is not a "plus". Guess what happened, my wife, once served with papers song like a canary, fessed up to everything after 14 months of lying.He isn't married to your wife. So you are projecting too. "It happened to me this way, so surely it is happening here the same way",...that is projecting. I think I am one of the few to look at it from a step back and consider that either one of them (or both) could be the problem. I seem to be one of the few to consider it salvageable rather than a "disposable family". Although with the last post from the OP I replied to I am no longer certain it can be salvaged, but that she may be as much the victim here. Edited August 7, 2019 by PRW Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 She is offering to go through all her texts with him. Recovering deleted, to try and show me those texts were the worst that happened. The kicker? Those texts were spring of 2018. Better do it. If you want peace of mind and be able to move forward. If not this'll just linger. I'd ask for a polygraph too. Immediately!!!!' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts