Remarried my ex

[benpom]

My ex and I remarried happily nearly a year ago. Things are going great and get better everyday.

 

Many people come here searching for miracles and second chances. I was one of them. So I made a special note to myself that if my ex and I get back together, I won't just drift away to other areas of life and completely forget about you guys here. Instead, I would come back here to share some experiences. To a minimum, this may give you some encouragement.

 

There were certainly lots of rosy pieces in out relationship, though I will just outline the bad pieces, since only the bad pieces were relevant to the breakup.

Stage 1. A bumpy road, filled with me getting upset at his insensitive actions and words, and him constantly sweeping them under rugs, lying, and turning blame on me and making me doubt some of my memories. This stage lasted for about 10 years. The gap between us kept widening.

Stage 2. Hell broke out. Lies became clear to me. I started thinking about leaving seriously, though never took actions - we have children together. He made extensive attempts to get me stay, including letting me inflict physical punishment on him in exchange of me forgiving him of a few big lies.

Stage 3. He kicked me out, with the help of his lawyer. The divorce process started here. This process was again filled with manipulation. About this time, I started reading and learning about relationships and people.

Stage 4. The divorce process ended with him gaining more than fair share of custody and money. I decided to let him take more than fair share so we could stop fighting, because 1. Our children were very stressed about it. 2. I don't see fighting as a good use of time and resources.

Stage 5. I started sharing useful books and articles with him about issues that could help people grow in general, though he never read them, except perhaps the titles. He was meanwhile reading books etc about all the problems he thought I had, only to later confess to me that they don't fit into me or our situation.

I no longer let me walk over me. When he showed any disrespect, even slight ones, I will call out right away. When he did not treat children properly, I pointed out. On the other hand, when he did nice things, I gave him due appreciation as well.

Stage 6. My children started favoring spending time with me over spending time with him. His relationship with our little kid started showing more and more problems. That might have been the point when he realized he was having relationships problems.

Stage 7. He started being willing to listen and learn. We spent more and more time together at children's activities with our children.

 

You may ask me, why did I choose him in the first place? Because I had little confidence in myself. That's why I would believe in lies, even though I sensed the fishy smell, even though the actions did not match up, even when ...

 

You may ask me, why do I get back with him this time? Very honestly I will say that having children together is the biggest factor. Additionally, he has become a person willing to listen and learn. And I no longer put up with disrespect this time ... and I speak up problems when I see one now ... and instead of getting angry at him for his insensitive words or actions, I guide him towards finding root problems, finding solutions, for his own benefit, and mine too.

 

I still don't trust him fully, but so far all his actions and words show that he is determined to be a trustworthy person.

 

Another question you may have is who initiated getting back together? It was me. I asked him to, many times. He said no many times. But eventually he said yes. And that yes also came with an overdue heartfelt apology he finally gave me.

[Normm]

Are you keeping your finances separate this time around?

[Flame Aura]

Honestly? It seems like you only got back together because of your kids, which in itself is a bad idea, and you don't trust him, which is very very bad and it's only a matter of time till it all goes wrong again. An ex is an ex for a reason.

 

 

Hope I'm wrong and it all works out for you.

[Blanco]

Yeah, I appreciate the update, since the nature of these forums is such that we are often left to wonder how things turned out. But I agree with the above that without the kids, neither of you may have bothered to try again.

 

I'm also a little concerned that despite him pretty clearly being the one who was more responsible for the marriage breaking down, you were the one who had to ask him repeatedly to try again.

 

I guess time will tell. How long are you into this reconciliation? It'll be interesting to see how things are a few months to a year down the road, when you can get a better sense of if these changes were genuine or a smokescreen.

[benpom]

Honestly? It seems like you only got back together because of your kids, which in itself is a bad idea, and you don't trust him, which is very very bad and it's only a matter of time till it all goes wrong again. An ex is an ex for a reason.

 

 

Hope I'm wrong and it all works out for you.

 

I see your concern and appreciate that.

 

Kids provided a bridge, but we are definitely married as a happy couple, not just two parents living under the same roof. We support each other's career and life goals.

 

As for the part about trust -- only time will tell. Much like I can walk on a bridge and trust it won't fall apart. Even if it has had problems before, I will still trust it plenty (with small reservation) if it has been reinforced at the places where it broke. That's like our relationship now. I can see that he has made lots of efforts on where it broke. So did I.

 

To be more accurate, I meant I won't pursue my ex if we did not have children. But children are not the reason why we got married again. It's more like that children were the reason why he is the top candidate for me, children they are not the reason why I would choose to marry him again.

 

For my part, I changed my life style from being passive to being proactive. I realized that I can actually make an impact. Since then, I have dedicated myself to make the world a better place through help and inspire people around me, my ex-husband included.

 

My last post was more about the negative things. I wanted to give readers an idea of how bad things went, and show readers that things can get better even in such chaos.

 

Tough times always present opportunities to understand others and ourselves. A broken but well-fixed relationship can be stronger. Our partners are actually mirrors of us. They reflect either who we want to be, or who we tolerate to be. They even reflect the people who shaped us, like our parents, teachers, siblings. From them, we actually learn who we have been made to be. From there, we can decide who we want to be and who we should stop to be.

 

Good luck to you all! I hope this helped some.

[benpom]

Are you keeping your finances separate this time around?

 

We mingled finances, and we are transparent about finances. We have always had a solid trusting relationship in terms of finances, except during the divorce, where his attorney kept asking for more and more.

[LivingWaterPlease]

benpom, thanks for returning and updating us on your relationship.

 

It's wonderful that you are working on personal growth! Good for you!

 

It seems your husband is, too, at your prompting!

 

I wish you every good thing in your marriage! If you can continue growing together it seems to me it will be great not only for the two of you but also for your children!