Relationship ended after 1 year (Possible rebound?)

[IsItRealLove]

Hi,

 

 

I'm new to this forum and I would like to share my experience and ask for advice...

 

 

So, a year ago I met this girl from my company, she was in a relationship and I was not really interested in her (I don't really like to mess with other man women). She added me in social media and he started to talk in a friendly way cause would be all I had for her at the moment. Then she start to talk about her relationship and how bad it was for her, sayin she didn't feel like herself anymore, that it was toxic, the guy was controlling her all the time, not letting her have friends, etc. She wanted to end the relationship but did not have the guts to do it because she really liked the guy but didn't manage to see a future with him in this conditions.

 

 

 

Well I listened to all of it and gave her my opinion, that first she should care about her self-love and be certain of what she didn't want for her life.

A few days later she told she had broke with her bf and that she wanted to get to know me better.

 

 

We started dating and automatically had an incredible connection at all levels, it felt like we had known each other for years. I was a bit skeptical at first, but the truth is I fell in love with the girl and after two months we made it official.

 

 

At the fourth month the issues started.. She had a mechanical problem in her car and wanted that her ex fixed it, cause he is a mechanic and would not charge any money for it. I was so in love and trusting her so much that I let it be like she wanted (Huge red flag here I know).

He fixed her car, but then more car problems appeared (I think we was making sure he would stay present in her life somehow lol)

Besides this car connection with her ex, there was nothing more going on.

 

 

Another red flag I had and didn't pay the attention needed was the fact that she didn't wanted to post any photo with me in social media. She said she was not ready for it, but the truth is that I think she didn't wanted her ex to know she had move on.

 

 

 

We were together all the time, at work and off work. All of or free time would be spent together. We were even thinking in moving out together (her ideia that she brought to the table at the 6th month of relationship).

 

 

Everything was perfect, I never felt like this in my entire life, I though I had finally met the women of my life everything I had dream to have. (I'm 28y old btw).

 

 

 

Two months ago I went through a throat surgery which made me stay at home for 3 week. I wasn't able to eat and I was feeling super weak and down generally. I couldn't kiss her, have sex, etc. Well at this point, out of the blue she started to say our relationship was not the same anymore that she was feeling distance and so on, so on. After 3 weeks of not having her around like I wanted I got better and we started again, trying to light up the flame again. But all my efforts were in vain. It looked like I was not around the same girl I was in love with.

 

 

 

So...

 

A month ago my ex-gf broke up with me after a relationship of 1 year. She started to compare me to her ex-bf and went on to say she didn't feel the same towards me. During the break up conversation she said she liked me very much and that I'm the first guy who made her feel unique and gave her a secure and stable relationshiop and that she was almost 100% sure she would regret her choice, but still she wanted to go ahead with it. Told me to move on and be happy.

 

I begged for almost a week, until someone tell me that she was at the mall shopping with her ex bf. I immediately implemented NC and stop following her from all social media, but still let her see my posts. She texted me right away asking why I had done it and I simply told her to think about what she had been up to.

 

 

After this a two week of holidays started and I was not talking with her nor seeing her at work. It was perfect because it kind of made me out my sh*t together again, cause I was really in pain after the break up. I started hangout with friends, posting insta stories from time to time having fun. She was seeing all of them. Deep down I was missing her but I need to keep strong in NC.

 

 

 

Coming back to work, feeling a lot better, I cross paths with my ex. Since I am a polite person I said 'Hi' to her but she turned her head to the side and didn't reply. A few minutes later she texted me being sorry for not replying back cause she was not expecting me to say anything. I didn't reply. She called me the next asking if I was mad. I said of course not I understood the situation I did had nothing to say. Everyday we see each other at lunch time and she is constantly looking at me, kinda like the is provoking me.

 

 

Yesterday she texted me again out of the blue saying "If you need anything or want anything, fell free to say". I tottally did not understand the text so I just replied and ironic "Thanks" because in this entire month of break-up she never cared how I was feeling.

 

 

NC is still going on and will continue forever...but the thruth is guys, I still love her and miss her like hell.

Do you think I can ever get a second chance with her? Destiny crossed our paths to many times already to be just a coincidence all of this.

[Maddie82]

I don't think it was destiny that brought you together. She set her sights on you while in a tough point of her relationship because you are a really nice guy. She wanted emotional support from you. It sounds like even though she was in a relationship with you she was also still seeing her ex. It sounds like you were a rebound or a pawn in her bid to make her ex jealous. I believe she cared about you on some level but not in the way you did about her. She is still very much hung up on her ex so i think pursuing another chance is pointless. I know its hard but i wish all best for your future. You deserve better

Edited August 2, 2019 by Maddie82

[IsItRealLove]

I don't think it was destiny that brought you together. She set her sights on you while in a tough point of her relationship because you are a really nice guy. She wanted emotional support from you. It sounds like even though she was in a relationship with you she was also still seeing her ex. It sounds like you were a rebound or a pawn in her bid to make her ex jealous. I believe she cared about you on some level but not in the way you did about her. She is still very much hung up on her ex so i think pursuing another chance is pointless. I know its hard but i wish all best for your future. You deserve better

 

 

@Maddie82 thanks for your reply, if I think with my brain instead of my heart I agree with everything you just said.

 

 

But why do you think she is still contacting me or being jealous by seeing me with other girls having fun?

[anika99]

She wants you to be available the next time her boyfriend messes up. She wants to keep you as her backup plan. She is a weak person who relies on being validated by men so she wants to ensure that she has a boyfriend plus a guy or two in the wings. Don't let yourself be used that way.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

She's doing it because you are now just out of reach for her. You are now a challenge. She has issues she needs to work through. She likes guys who are out of reach. That's why she's back with her ex. He is a puzzle she can not solve (because the puzzle is inside of her). She told you that you're the first guy who gave her stability. She's not ready for that stability because she herself is not stable. She is immature and will go through plenty of dramas with this guy and possibly others before she would be ready to have the type of relationship you want to give her.

 

Close the door completely and don't look back.

[Maddie82]

@Maddie82 thanks for your reply, if I think with my brain instead of my heart I agree with everything you just said.

 

 

But why do you think she is still contacting me or being jealous by seeing me with other girls having fun?

 

Because she wants you to always be available as her emotional support. If you dated someone else then she wouldn't have any of your attention. This isn't fair to you.

[IsItRealLove]

I believe all of you are right, otherwise she wouldn't be with her ex and would have stayed or even come back to me by now...

 

 

Should I give up for now or forever? What's the best advice you can give me besides staying in NC? Or what other actions should I take?

 

 

I really don't know how to deal with this situation anymore

[Maddie82]

I believe all of you are right, otherwise she wouldn't be with her ex and would have stayed or even come back to me by now...

 

 

Should I give up for now or forever? What's the best advice you can give me besides staying in NC? Or what other actions should I take?

 

 

I really don't know how to deal with this situation anymore

 

NC forever, move on and block her number.

[IsItRealLove]

NC forever, move on and block her number.

 

 

Thanks Maddie82, I will try to do all that. I really need to take the idea she is the woman of my life out of my chest.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks Maddie82, I will try to do all that. I really need to take the idea she is the woman of my life out of my chest.

 

She is most definitely not the woman of your life.

 

She rebounded with you. Then she realized she missed her ex; there were many signs along the way that she still wanted him in her life, too.

 

All she is doing now is feeling the bruise to her ego that you won't be her Back-Up Boy in case things go sour with her ex again. It's not coming from a place of genuine love for you, but concern for her own self-esteem and fear of being totally single without you around to lick her wounds.

[IsItRealLove]

She is most definitely not the woman of your life.

 

She rebounded with you. Then she realized she missed her ex; there were many signs along the way that she still wanted him in her life, too.

 

All she is doing now is feeling the bruise to her ego that you won't be her Back-Up Boy in case things go sour with her ex again. It's not coming from a place of genuine love for you, but concern for her own self-esteem and fear of being totally single without you around to lick her wounds.

 

 

You're right, sad but true I should have noticed it sooner, but love really makes u blind

[IsItRealLove]

Today at work she came at me and said she wanted to talk. She throw at me some accusations sayin' I'm trying to destroy her image and I'm telling lies about her to people. The thing is I did not talk with anyone about anything. She refused to say what she heard.

 

 

After she said she does not deserve the way I'm treating her, because I don't talk with her, etc. And it shouldn't be like this because of what we had.

 

 

I don't know If I should even care with all of this or not. Please help she always finds a way to be kept alive in my mind

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know If I should even care with all of this or not. Please help she always finds a way to be kept alive in my mind

 

You shouldn't, but it's normal that you do. You're still processing the break-up and trying to untangle your complicated feelings about her.

 

As I said previously - her ego is hurt. That's her problem to deal with. If she approaches you again, calmly tell her you are not going to discuss it and walk away.

[rjc149]

Today at work she came at me and said she wanted to talk. She throw at me some accusations sayin' I'm trying to destroy her image and I'm telling lies about her to people. The thing is I did not talk with anyone about anything. She refused to say what she heard.

 

 

After she said she does not deserve the way I'm treating her, because I don't talk with her, etc. And it shouldn't be like this because of what we had.

 

 

I don't know If I should even care with all of this or not. Please help she always finds a way to be kept alive in my mind

 

You showed emotional strength in NC. Women find that sexy. Her curiosity and attraction for you has regrown. She resents the fact that you going NC conveys she has no value to you. It dinged her ego. So, she's lashing out, trying to rattle you for a reaction. Your reaction to her will show her you still care, that you still have emotions for her. That will validate her. She wants you to validate her.

 

Don't react to her. Don't validate her. The opposite of love is not anger or hate. It's indifference. Shrug your shoulders and smirk at her. Then walk away.

[IsItRealLove]

You shouldn't, but it's normal that you do. You're still processing the break-up and trying to untangle your complicated feelings about her.

 

As I said previously - her ego is hurt. That's her problem to deal with. If she approaches you again, calmly tell her you are not going to discuss it and walk away.

 

 

Everytime I think I'm forgeting about her and I'm ready to move on she comes back at me strong, I need to find the strenght to walk away if there's a next time

[IsItRealLove]

You showed emotional strength in NC. Women find that sexy. Her curiosity and attraction for you has regrown. She resents the fact that you going NC conveys she has no value to you. It dinged her ego. So, she's lashing out, trying to rattle you for a reaction. Your reaction to her will show her you still care, that you still have emotions for her. That will validate her. She wants you to validate her.

 

Don't react to her. Don't validate her. The opposite of love is not anger or hate. It's indifference. Shrug your shoulders and smirk at her. Then walk away.

 

 

I'm giving everything to NC. I don't text her, I don't like her social media post, I don't see her insta stories, nothing. She also asked me yesterday why was I following her I just replied with a "You're indifferent to me."

I also said that I'm giving her what she asked for, to have me out of her life for good.

 

 

Do you think this is all just about her ego or that the power is shifting sides and the tables are starting to turn?

[rjc149]

I'm giving everything to NC. I don't text her, I don't like her social media post, I don't see her insta stories, nothing. She also asked me yesterday why was I following her I just replied with a "You're indifferent to me."

I also said that I'm giving her what she asked for, to have me out of her life for good.

 

 

Do you think this is all just about her ego or that the power is shifting sides and the tables are starting to turn?

 

It's probably a bit of both. Dumpers, especially women, get a little ego trip when they dump someone. Of course they don't enjoy it, but there's a little bit of an ego boost.

 

A woman loses attraction for a man when she sees her value as being higher than his. When she dumps him, she wants her higher value to be confirmed by him chasing, begging, pleading, and being lower value. She wants him to fight for her -- not because she wants him back, but to confirm her higher value, give her certainty about her decision, and preserve the ego high she is feeling. If she wanted to be with him, he wouldn't need to fight for her. She would be with him. However, when a man simply walks away, she is denied that ego trip. She is denied that confirmation and is left uncertain about her higher value, because the man is conveying high value now. "Why isn't he pursuing me? Am I not as attractive as I thought? Did he have other women? How was he able to walk away from me so easily? Is there something wrong with me?" This uncertainty will cause her to seek validation from him, and increase her attraction for him. This is likely the mindset your girl is in right now. That's why she keeps checking in on you. She's looking for crumbs of validation, and she's curious about you because her attraction level for you has gone up. Women don't contact men they aren't interested in.

 

If you want a chance with her, the next time she reaches out, calmly tell her "I'm not going to be your friend, I'm not going to be your backup, so if you're not interested in having a romantic relationship with me, I'm moving on. I want you to respect that and not contact me." Or something to that effect.

Edited August 11, 2019 by rjc149

[IsItRealLove]

It's probably a bit of both. Dumpers, especially women, get a little ego trip when they dump someone. Of course they don't enjoy it, but there's a little bit of an ego boost.

 

A woman loses attraction for a man when she sees her value as being higher than his. When she dumps him, she wants her higher value to be confirmed by him chasing, begging, pleading, and being lower value. She wants him to fight for her -- not because she wants him back, but to confirm her higher value, give her certainty about her decision, and preserve the ego high she is feeling. If she wanted to be with him, he wouldn't need to fight for her. She would be with him. However, when a man simply walks away, she is denied that ego trip. She is denied that confirmation and is left uncertain about her higher value, because the man is conveying high value now. "Why isn't he pursuing me? Am I not as attractive as I thought? Did he have other women? How was he able to walk away from me so easily? Is there something wrong with me?" This uncertainty will cause her to seek validation from him, and increase her attraction for him. This is likely the mindset your girl is in right now. That's why she keeps checking in on you. She's looking for crumbs of validation, and she's curious about you because her attraction level for you has gone up. Women don't contact men they aren't interested in.

 

If you want a chance with her, the next time she reaches out, calmly tell her "I'm not going to be your friend, I'm not going to be your backup, so if you're not interested in having a romantic relationship with me, I'm moving on. I want you to respect that and not contact me." Or something to that effect.

 

 

Hi rjc149,

 

 

She contacted me again sayin' she does not understand my attitude nor the game I'm playin' and that she can't play it because she likes me too much.

I calmly said exactly what you told me and she just replied "Ok" what pissed me off. I don't believe she will contact me ever again, but let's wait for the outcome.

 

I feel like at this point I don't have anything to loose

 

 

UPDATE: She deleted me from all her social media profiles. I guess it finally come to and end

Edited August 12, 2019 by IsItRealLove

[IsItRealLove]

UPDATE 2: I saw her today and said 'Hi' like I normally do. She looked the other way and didn't reply back. Should I stop gretting her?

[ExpatInItaly]

UPDATE 2: I saw her today and said 'Hi' like I normally do. She looked the other way and didn't reply back. Should I stop gretting her?

 

Might as well.

 

There's no sense in continuing to try to engage her. When you see her, just keep moving.

 

It wasn't ever about a greeting, but if she doesn't want to speak to you at all, then so be it. This is done and dusted to it would be best to detach completely so you can forget all about her.

[IsItRealLove]

Might as well.

 

There's no sense in continuing to try to engage her. When you see her, just keep moving.

 

It wasn't ever about a greeting, but if she doesn't want to speak to you at all, then so be it. This is done and dusted to it would be best to detach completely so you can forget all about her.

 

 

She wanted to keep talking with me, but I gave her no chance when I made the "ultimatium". Keep talking with her would only make me keep on my hopes to get her back when that's not what she wants at least while she's still with her ex.

[IsItRealLove]

Well... yesterday I finally saw them together (my ex and her ex) in a city festivities which were crowded with hundreds of people.

What would be the chances of this happen? Close to none, but still destiny had another lesson to teach me. It hurted like a hell...

Guess it's time to let it all go.

Thank you all for the advices, I really apreciated each one of them.

 

For all you that might go through this post and are in a relationship, take this note... Relationships may only last for a couple of moments so give everything you have like it's the last day. Love and be loved all day everyday. Don't leave anything to say or do. Regret nothing. Don't think about the future, just live the present witht he person you love and make it amazing for both.

Otherwise life will run past you.