Feel awful for not liking her hair

[smackie9]

IMO what you do and say to her is up to YOU. She's your GF, this is your relationship. If you don't want to lie, just tell her the truth. Mermaid hair is not for everyone, or everyone's taste, and she should KNOW this. She is in her 30's, a grown woman. She not stupid to the fact that she's going to get a negative reaction or two because of it. And IMO she shouldn't take offense if you don't like it. She needs to get over it. I don't think you should feel guilty about anything. You like what you like. If she's going through a midlife crisis, which I think she is....just be supportive in her experimentation. She will move onto something else down the road.

Edited October 14, 2019 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

She then asked me what I thought and I told her I didn't really like it but it was her choice. She got upset and said about how much effort she had put in to coordinating her outfit and hair.

She did not really listen to you, she just turned the table and made you feel bad for being honest with her. Not much emotional maturity here.

 

 

 

I don't think you'll get any understanding from her or any compromise. At the rate she is coloring her hair soon she'll have to shave her head. Lets hope it's just a phase and she'll outgrow it.

[preraph]

They have some hair fragrance now. She can get some at Sephora, but it isn't cheap.

 

So don't say anything personal about her hair but just that you can smell the chemicals.

 

You might also ask her if she's ever considered letting it go back to the natural color so she doesn't have to keep dying it.

 

It would be sneaky and could backfire if the hairdresser is gossipy, but if you know the name of her hairdresser, call them in private sometime and tell them you don't want to hurt her feelings but her hair smells terrible after she has it done and ask if they can fix that.

 

Probably they just need to use a different conditioner or shampoo.

[r321148]

Thanks for the replies.

To answer a few points raised:

No she had brown hair when we met and for around the first year of dating. She did some blonde highlights once but they were fairly subtle. The pink came this summer and now the purple.

I know this is my issue and I'm overreacting to it. I am annoyed with myself for fixating on it so much. I think part of it is that, to me, if you are spending that much time and money on hair, then it should look, feel and smell good. But as I've said before it's her time, money and hair to waste however she sees fit.

The smell I've only noticed the last couple of times so wondering if it is related to the weird colours she is going for. I think the smell is the main reason why I'm finding affection difficult. It's also not nice to run fingers through and it feels all dry and damaged. Those things really turn me off of her which I feel bad about and in turn sets off her insecurity.

I did feel bad for being honest with her about it before. She had a pink dress and pink shoes to go with the pink hair for a wedding and had spent a long time planning it. She also said that she had loads of compliments from other people and 'its only my boyfriend who think I look ridiculous'. Which isn't actually what I said, I just told her I didn't care for it because she asked me directly when I told her that the smell and feel bothered me.

[anika99]

Hair colors that are meant to lighten hair as well as color it tend to contain bleach and or ammonia. When hair has been freshly colored it can't be washed for at least 48 hours after (I usually wait 72 hours) or the color will wash out and all the money spent will go down the drain too. So basically it's pretty normal for hair to smell like chemicals right after being dyed/lightened but that smell should go away after a couple of shampoos. So not worth the drama you and your gf seem to be having.

 

Now if it's the color you don't like, well that's a different. While I agree with the sentiment that it's my hair and I can do with it as I please, when I'm in a relationship part of what pleases me is being sexy and desirable to my partner so if my partner really hated a particular hair color I would probably choose a different color that was pleasing to both of us.

[Tamfana]

I don't want to be a control freak and she should be able to do whatever she likes. I love her and I don't want this to be an issue every time I just don't know how to get past it.

 

She is able to do whatever she likes.

 

One way to get past it is to focus on her joy and pride and be happy for her. "You are always beautiful to me" is a good way to go.

[Gaeta]

OP stop feeling bad for your feelings. You fell in love with a brunette and a year later she's turned into a rainbow. That is a huge change! You are entitled to being disappointed. Those pink and purple hair look good in magazines but are highly damaging in real and not meant to be kept all year long.

 

Your gf don't seem to take your feelings into account, not even a little. That's sad. I hope she doesn't do that in every facet of your relationship.

 

 

.

[fishlips]

Thanks for the replies.

To answer a few points raised:

No she had brown hair when we met and for around the first year of dating. She did some blonde highlights once but they were fairly subtle. The pink came this summer and now the purple.

I know this is my issue and I'm overreacting to it. I am annoyed with myself for fixating on it so much. I think part of it is that, to me, if you are spending that much time and money on hair, then it should look, feel and smell good. But as I've said before it's her time, money and hair to waste however she sees fit.

The smell I've only noticed the last couple of times so wondering if it is related to the weird colours she is going for. I think the smell is the main reason why I'm finding affection difficult. It's also not nice to run fingers through and it feels all dry and damaged. Those things really turn me off of her which I feel bad about and in turn sets off her insecurity.

I did feel bad for being honest with her about it before. She had a pink dress and pink shoes to go with the pink hair for a wedding and had spent a long time planning it. She also said that she had loads of compliments from other people and 'its only my boyfriend who think I look ridiculous'. Which isn't actually what I said, I just told her I didn't care for it because she asked me directly when I told her that the smell and feel bothered me.

 

Ugh. When I get my hair done, it feels soft and smells good. If her hair smells like chemicals and feels like straw, then she is seriously damaging it. You could tell her that, but in the end she is going to do what she wants to do. It sounds like you told her, which is fine, but there isn't much else you can do.

 

Would she be willing to use the spray on colors instead of dying her hair?

[stillafool]

She had a pink dress and pink shoes to go with the pink hair for a wedding and had spent a long time planning it.

 

Whoa, that's too much pink for me. Is she sure they were complimenting her or just so taken aback they just said that? How old is she again?

[preraph]

If she is going to ask you what you think about her hair, tell her. Say: Oh, I mentioned before it smells bad after coloring and feel coarse. You know me, I prefer natural hair, but it's your hair.

[r321148]

She is 33, I'm 34. And yes this does seem childish and I'm annoying myself by getting fixated.

It's part of it. To me she looks like a 33 year old who's still trying to be 19.

I am having some trouble expressing myself as brought up with the old saying of 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing'... But that leads to long awkward silences as we both know there's an elephant in the room.

I guess certain people may like it but it's not for me. If other people complimented her and she likes it then who am I to judge.

I do hate the smell though to the point of wanting to sleep in a separate room. Yes the smell did go after a week last time so I'm guessing the same will happen again.....only a week I suppose.

The last time the pink had all just about gone (after 4-5 weeks it was really subtle so you had to look at it in the right light to see a pink tinge) and I told her that her hair looked and felt great.

It's odd. A few days ago she was trying on some of her old dresses and didn't want me watching in case she didn't fit in one. She said 'I just want to look nice for you' I told her she looked lovely. She apologised to me this morning for having bristly legs where she hadn't shaved...I really don't care as I know she's been busy. She does have issues with self confidence, which is something else that makes me feel bad about not liking the hair!

[preraph]

Well, you've done the right thing as far as telling her when she looks good and her fair feels and smells nice. Praise for doing the right thing is far more effective than saying bad things, so maybe she'll eventually catch on. But I do wonder why she doesn't get it yet. I mean, she keeps bringing it up but then doesn't catch on. Seems dense.

[Gaeta]

I wonder why a 33 year old brunette would suddenly start using bright colors like this. Trying to match her hair color with her shoe color....my god, it seems so odd.

 

Has her personality changed as well?

 

 

.

[r321148]

No personality hasn't changed. She is still the same person and I still love her. apparently she used to do it a lot before she met me but damaged her hair so was waiting for it to repair enough. I just managed to meet her when it looked normal.

We had a chat about it. She said it is part of her and the crazy colours make her happy. I guess that's fine and if it makes her happy then that's her choice. I just can't help what I think about it. After she gets it done I then have 2-3 weeks of not feeling especially attracted to her and feeling turned off by the smell and texture. Then we get 3-5 weeks of it being OK and then repeat. That doesn't seem healthy but I don't want her to change who she is. She said she found the brown boring and that her hair was something she could control easily. She said she feels unattractive because she gained weight and this was her way of feeling in control. I guess that makes sense on some levels so I don't really want to stand in the way.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Gaining weight and trashing her hair. So she really just doesn't give a damn anymore. She's in full on "looks don't matter/I'm beautiful on the inside" mode.

 

Which is either fine for her if she doesn't mind losing her man.

 

Or it's fine for you if you don't mind being attached to a woman you don't find attractive.

 

Personal expression is a huge cop-out/crap justification for the fact that she doesn't care about your preferences. She seems to think it doesn't matter if you lose your attraction for her? You're all hers now and it shouldn't matter if she goes from pretty brunette to looking like the illegitimate child of a troll doll and the Michelin Man? You really gonna stick around for that?

 

And sorry, but chemical hair color ain't part of anyone. That's ridiculous.

 

You don't want to stand in the way of her destroying everything that makes you want to actually touch her and smell her and look at her? Yeah, I'm sure that will work out great for both of you.

[r321148]

She hasn't only just gained the weight. She said she used to be slim before she got an audit job about 5-6 years ago and sat behind a desk all day (before I met her). So she is frustated about that, which I understand. She said that is when her confidence took a hit. She seems to see it that the hair colour is something she can control that makes her feel better about herself. I don't really want to take that away from her. Obviously I'd rather she adressed the real issue and we are trying to do active things together to work on that.

If she wants to keep colouring her hair, i just want to be ok with that because, ultimately, it isn't my hair and it really shouldn't matter what i think about it.

It does frustrate me though becuase i see it a bit as plowing a ton of time effort and money into something that (in my opinion) makes her look worse, whilst avoiding the real issue because its too difficult to address.

[thefooloftheyear]

This type of resentment will probably never go away...If she isn't what you want, or has significantly changed from when you met her(not the normal aging changes, btw)., then you will never get past it...I know its easy for people to say its superficial or shallow, but that's not your concern...Let those people do whatever they want with their lives and their partners..

 

Tell her how you feel,....Be direct, but not jerky....If she doesn't consider your feelings/opinions, then she probably doesn't value you or the relationship .IME

 

TFY

[amaysngrace]

Her claiming her hair color is within her control is dismissing the obvious and that is her weight is within her control too. She just doesn’t want to own that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Weight is much less of her control. Some women need to starve to be borderline overweight and not obese.

 

 

As for the hair, every boyfriend I had hated my hair. If I was brunette, ex wanted to change me to a blonde. When I was a blonde, another ex wanted me to be a brunette. It always irritated me when they brought it up and I would on purpose do the exact opposite of their preferences. I always felt like I am more than my hair color and they treated me like I am a painting or something non-human for them to like looking at. They always wanted me to be something I am not. This is the part that I REALLY love about being single: I get to have my hair magenta! My cat loves me with any hair color

[Gaeta]

After she gets it done I then have 2-3 weeks of not feeling especially attracted to her and feeling turned off by the smell and texture. Then we get 3-5 weeks of it being OK and then repeat. That doesn't seem healthy

No it is not healthy, and it's not viable long term. You cannot continue growing love for each other if you are turned off 3 weeks out of 6, and then a 3 weeks of being only ok. The only thing keeping you in this relationship is the attraction that existed once. The fact that she is completely ignoring your loss of attraction is very concerning. It's her way or the highway. Maybe you should consider the highway for someone better suited for you.

[stillafool]

Did you actually see her when she wasn't overweight? It sounds like a cop out and maybe not true. Perhaps she's always been overweight and doesn't want to put in the work to lose it so she blames in on sitting? What type of job did she have before that where she didn't have to sit down? I can only imagine how that pink hair, dress and shoes must have looked on her. Were you with her?

[amaysngrace]

I agree. Sitting isn’t terrible but if you’re just grubbing the whole time you’re seated then it certainly can be.

[preraph]

Well, she knows why she's doing it, so maybe now she knows you also know, it will make her reconsider. She needs to stop seeking validation that you like it now that she knows you don't. Maybe you need to just compliment her on other things so she gets some sort of validation, like how nice her skin is, how much you like her shoulders or whatever, what she wears, her makeup. Sounds like she wants validation she's still attractive. And you still think she is, so you should just avoid the hair and hope she stops and compliment her on anything else you like, what she wears, etc. Her hair wouldn't be stinking if it was being done properly, though. I mean, perms stink. Process stinks, but they fade away quickly. There's a woman in my office who has different colored hair every week, but it's real short and she never stinks.

[r321148]

No I didn't know her then but I've seen photographs. She looks good and also didn't have stupid coloured hair! I think she looks good most of the time now anyway. She has gained weight since then but she's not exactly fat. The issue is more in her head and with her confidence. I think the coloured hair takes away from her look as I generally do find her attractive.

She used to be a project manager on power stations but left for better money.

Yes I was with her at the wedding. The look wasn't something I liked and I told her that when she asked directly. That's when she got upset and told me how much effort she had put into coordinating the outfit.

I don't want this to keep being a problem. I respect her right to express herself and don't want to take that away. I just need to work out how to deal with it or perhaps there's a compromise somewhere

Edited October 15, 2019 by r321148

[preraph]

She's not very insightful about when is the right time to get someone's opinion. I mean, you don't dye your hair and make an all pink outfit and be in the car going to the event and THEN ask. If you really care, you ask as you're planning it all out beforehand, though no one really wants to consult their man on that unless he happens to have a special talent and eye for fashion.

 

She opens herself up to criticism by doing how she does it. If she truly doesn't care what you think, she needn't ask you how she looks. If she does care, she should take what you say a little more seriously as long as it's reasonable. So She sounds like she is grasping for validation and for some reason she's stuck on dying hair to get it, but she can't reasonably expect everyone to like it.