Feel awful for not liking her hair

[snowboy91]

I see it's a bit of a tough situation for you OP.

 

Someone's choice of clothing, hair colour, tattoos, piercings etc are a part of their sense of style and an expression of the self. In your GF's situation it has changed somewhat in the time you have known her. I consider hair colour changes (including crazy colours!) to be a fairly 'low risk' change of style since hair can always grow back and can always be changed back to something resembling the original colour (yes, at expense - but possible).

 

Part of the issue here is that her sense of style at this point in time isn't to your taste. You're only human, and everyone's preferences are different (hence why she gets positive comments from others, but not you). If pressed, you can say it's not to your taste, but it's her decision what she does with her hair. How she reacts to that is then up to her, and she can decide whether she feels the need to change it for your sake. Your opinion is important, but her own opinion of it is most important to her.

[r321148]

Thanks. Yes I agree it's her choice and if she likes it then tbat is the most important thing. It makes her happy and that's great and I don't want to stand in the way of that. This is where I'm struggling.

I guess some people do like it but often people are very reluctant to tell someone what they really think especially if they seem happy with something. At her friends wedding I heard some of the same people who told her to her face that she looked good talking in a group about how bad it looked. I felt sad for her then.

Im not sure what it is about the hair specifically. She has some quirky clothes that I've seen her in and never minded them even though not exactly my taste. They don't smell or feel bad though.

I know it'll grow out but I just dread what she is going to do in 8 weeks time. Last time was pink, this time purple... So not sure where it'll go next. I am struggling because I don't find her attractive at the moment (and feel really awful for even saying that) and as I've said the smell and texture are really difficult to deal with. I still love her personality and her little quirks which are all still the same I just don't know how to focus on those more and stop being so fixated on her hair.

[frus69]

" Because *I* put in lots of effort and money, so *you* have to like it", what is it? Moral/emotional hijacking? No you didnt ask her to do that, you dont have to like it.

 

She has her right to do whatever, you cant control her but you also have the right to not like it and walk away.

 

But anyway the issue is more her insecurity than the hair. She will do more ridiculous things if she doesnt solve that problem. Also doesnt she know dying that frequently is going to ruin her hair?

[Allupinnit]

I knew a girl like this. She would spend 8 hours and hundreds of dollars to get her hair a very deep purple you could argue looked very unprofessional (I also think women look silly with rainbow-colored hair like that after a certain age). She was also overweight.

 

The reason her hair is so dry like that is because the stylist has to strip the hair first, and THEN add color on top of that, otherwise the pink would fade within a few washes. I went platinum blonde once and it was quite a process that left my hair feeling like hay. Never put my hair through that again.

 

This is a tough one. She obviously likes her hair like that. But man, if you aren't even feeling attraction toward her as a result you need to speak up. This doesn't make you a bad boyfriend or a bad person - in fact you sound like a great guy. . I'd be mortified if I found out my H hated how I was doing my hair!

[fromheart]

Is it her hair you're not attracted to, or her?

[r321148]

@frus69 yes she damaged her hair before apparently, which is why she had normal coloured hair when I met her and for a year after. Once it repaired she has now decided to dye it again.

She does have quite dark hair naturally so yes they lighten it first and then colour it... Which I guess explains the time, cost, smell and feel.

 

Her hair colour doesn't mean I love her less. Her personality hasn't changed and I still love being around her.

The issue I am having is with intimacy. I don't want to cuddle up to her or run my fingers through her hair because of the smell and feel.....and I just don't find her attractive with pink/purple hair. I feel like a shallow POS for even thinking that!

[r321148]

This is a tough one. She obviously likes her hair like that. But man, if you aren't even feeling attraction toward her as a result you need to speak up. This doesn't make you a bad boyfriend or a bad person - in fact you sound like a great guy. . I'd be mortified if I found out my H hated how I was doing my hair!

 

I did kind of raise it before. At the wedding I told her I didn't care for the pink hair and she got upset. To be honest I didn't go about it the right way. I was desperately trying to fake that i liked it, but she noticed that I was kind of avoiding looking at her and that I recoiled a bit when she hugged me. That wasn't intentional and hadn't even realised I was doing it until she told me and asked why. I told her I didn't like the smell or feel of her hair and she said ok. She then asked if I liked how it looked and I said it wasn't for me. That was when I got the comment of "everyone else has complimented me, but my boyfriend thinks I look ridiculous". I felt pretty bad then.

 

Now it's purple. I spoke to her a bit about it last night as she was starting to notice the drop in affection. She asked if I liked it this time and I said that I still wasn't keen and preferred it when it went back to its natural colour. I also said it was her hair and if it made her happy then I would avoid saying anything negative about it, but that i couldn't help how it made me feel. She got a bit upset again and said crazy colours are a part of her and doing it makes her happy. She said that me not liking it is rejection of a part of her. She said her hairdresser is like a friend, they have fun planning it all out and he always tells her it looks great. She said her family have all told her they like it, so she doesn't understand why I am so against it. I told her it was all personal preference and that it just wasn't something I liked (or have ever liked; it's not just her). We've not had sex since she got it done and we don't even cuddle in bed at the moment either so she is obviously noticing and I feel awful and shallow about the whole thing! I really want her to be happy and doing this does seem to make her happy, so I don't know how to get over the fact the whole package (smell, texture and look) really turns me off and (in my opinion) makes her look unattractive.

Edited October 17, 2019 by r321148

[ajequals]

Maybe if she goes to a different place that removes the smell that might help? My girl goes to a place in my town that doesn't use the ammonia based coloring agents so there is never a smell. It's also much better for. her hair. it's very soft and shinny

[Gaeta]

She said her hairdresser is like a friend, they have fun planning it all out and he always tells her it looks great. .

Of course he'll say it looks great she pays what? $300 each 6 weeks for that? Can she at least ask her hairdresser if there is a way to eliminate the smell and if he could dehydrate her hair.

 

 

.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Dude, stop feeling bad. SHE should feel bad for trying to guilt you into liking it. Attraction doesn't work that way, no matter what feminist propaganda has led her to believe. You don't like it because it's garbage. That's not shallow, it's normal.

 

Being attracted to natural healthy hair is normal.

[r321148]

She won't go elsewhere. She says she likes her hairdresser and feels comfortable and trusts him with her hair. That's fine and I get it. She did also say that the smell and feel is because they bleach down the hair first so that the colour shows and lasts longer, so I guess that explains that bit.

 

We had a long talk about it last night. She said she was feeling neglected as i had been more withdrawn. In the end, I just told her straight that my physical attraction to her had reduced with her hair like that. Obviously not the best.

 

She said she did it partly to test me because i didn't like the pink. I didn't really like that admission, but at least she was honest. She said she was considering not getting it coloured, then got annoyed with herself for even considering compromising on something that makes her happy and went for the wackiest colour she could fine to see to see how I would react. I think I failed the test.

 

I told her I just preferred natural colours, but that she was free to do as she liked. She said she couldn't deal with having to have plain brown hair forever. She said I was basically giving her the choice between not doing something that made her happy, or dealing with me being turned off by it. That's not how i meant it as it sounds controlling and isn't what I want. I do want her to be free to do the things she likes doing, I just can't help what I am/am not physically attracted to.

 

She said she is worried about how far it will go and whether I am going to start hating her nails and her clothes. I am a bit hurt by that, but do see where she's coming from. Obviously I am going to have preferences, but I'm never going to tell her what she can or can't wear/do. To me, nails are less obtrusive and I barely notice what colour they are or what they look like, so it doesn't bother me at all..... and a horrible dress is never going to bother me that much, as it can always be taken off at the end of the night! The hair to me is obtrusive. It frames her face, looks weird (in my opinion) makes her skin look pale (in my opinion) and is right there in my face when we are in bed/sex etc. The weird colouring also lasts for 3-4 weeks, so there's no getting away from it and even then it's only another 3-4 weeks before she does it all again.

 

She also doesn't get why we haven't had sex and I just said I wasn't feeling turned on. She asked why it matters when we can just turn the lights out and I wouldn't see her hair. To me, I don't really want to have to have to turn the lights out every time.....and I don't see how that is going to make her feel particularly good either! I also don't think it is going to make her feel particularly good if every time she gets her hair done and asks me if i like her it, I either lie (which she would spot straight away) or say "no I don't like it". I don't want that for her either.

 

She asked how I'd feel if all her hair fell out or if it all went grey. I told her that wouldn't bother me as it would be outside of her control. That was an interesting question, as I'm not completely sure what the difference is. Maybe I am just a bad person.

[basil67]

Being attracted to natural healthy hair is normal.

 

"I love mouse brown hair" said nobody ever.

[basil67]

You're not having sex? Sorry OP, prepare to be dumped. She wants someone who loves her as she is, with all her indie style. I'm sure there are loads of indie guys out there who will embrace her aesthetic. And this leaves you free to find someone with a more natural look which is more suited to your preference.

[Timshel]

You sound 'mouse brown' hair-ist Basil.

 

 

OP, dating is to explore compatibility. There isn't anything inherently wrong with discovering incompatibility. Take it in for what it is and move on. The sky won't fall.

[r321148]

We haven't had sex since it went purple. I just can't seem to get myself in the mood for it.

Thing is I do love her. I love who she is, but for the first year and a bit of dating she never did the weird colours. She had brown hair and it never came up as an issue. I had no pre-warning that it was going to go pink (not that she was obliged to) and now it seems that the colours are going to stay. Just because she has purple hair now and previously pink doesn't mean that I don't love her. I do still love being around her, I love her personality, I love that she is kind and caring and I love that she is quirky and bit different. This is why I'm feeling really shallow because I don't like the hair colours (or smell or texture) and don't feel physically attracted to her at the moment. I don't want to have 1/2 the year where I'm not feeling attracted to her. I want to be able to get over that because I love literally everything else about her.

[Timshel]

She asked how I'd feel if all her hair fell out or if it all went grey. I told her that wouldn't bother me as it would be outside of her control. That was an interesting question, as I'm not completely sure what the difference is. Maybe I am just a bad person.

 

 

In the context of choice to color her hair...this is not a fair question.

 

For my husband and I, taking each other's likes and dislikes into consideration is fundamental for a healthy, respectful relationship.

 

 

She is saying that you will need to get over this or leave. There is no compromise. This says much more than pink or purple hair. She is demanding that you deny what attracts you.

 

She is not wrong to be herself and neither are you. Marriage and long term relationships will face bigger challenges than this.

 

She does not care, your move.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I think you should tell her the truth. You don't like the chemical smell and her hair feels like straw because of the dye. You two are in a relationship so she has to take your feelings into account, if she doesn't care or is offended then you can debate that and move on. If she holds a grudge then you know what you'd be in for in the long run. I know we, as humans, have every right to do with our hair and body what we like, but when we are in a relationship we are connected emotionally to someone else who spends the majority of their time with us, and if we dismiss their feelings then why be in a relationship?

[preraph]

I think you need to amend one thing. It doesn't need to go back to her natural color. It needs to go back to "a" natural color, like medium brown, which is usually more attractive than mouse brown.

 

I think her hairdresser is part of the problem here. He's using bleach and ruining her hair. Tell her you wouldn't mind whatever brown she chose and that as long as her hairdresser isn't allowed to use bleach or ammonia, her hair will become more healthy and not smell. I use no-ammonia hair color to take my hair from streaky gray to brown. It is soft and never smells. Her hair is going to be damaged for awhile though because she let her hairdresser do that to her.

 

I understand her concerns about what next, but you need to just tell her you don't care what she does with her nails and haven't had any problems with what she wears so far except that time it matched her pink hair, and at a wedding. She has bad taste. No one needs to look pink head to toe. And I'm talking as someone who actually has owned both a pink and violet wig for 40 years.

 

It's hard for you to counsel her on this because you're a guy. And obviously her hairdresser is of no use. She can still go to him and get her hair dyed, but seriously, DO tell her to stop using the bleach first and that her hairdresser ought to know better than to overprocess her hair and ruin its texture. Tell her your preference would be to only use ammonia-free dyes and let her hair repair itself, which could take a couple of years if she has long hair. Tell her you don't need it to be her natural color, but any brown color and no bleaching.

 

You've already gone this far, so you may as well go that extra step and then it's her decision. You may as well tell her what length you like too as she's liable to go get her hair dyed brown and then come home with a mohawk just to rebel against you.

[Gaeta]

Your post #61 is highly revealing. Do not date people that 'put you through a test'. Love is understanding, kindness, and compromise. This woman is all about herself and not much left for understanding and empathy. She is also playing stupid when she says she's not understanding why your attraction has declined. She is selfish with very little emotional maturity.

 

 

 

I really think you should break up.

[elaine567]

She is one of these women who dyes her hair the colours of the rainbow, who likes to change her "look" regularly.

It all sounds fairly harmless but it isn't as far as sexual attraction goes as the OP has found out.

His "type" is based on soft silky brown locks, not on straw like, purple locks with a chemical aroma...

She will not be happy being brown and "boring", he will not be happy having sex with a rainbow...

 

Incompatibility.

[Gaeta]

OP for what it's worth. My daughter is 32. She has always loved coloring her hair purple or pink or orange, sometimes green. She's a natural brunette. When she met her boyfriend 2 years ago he preferred her as a brunette so they made a compromise. My daughter *once in a while* will do a punk color. She keeps it as long as it's nice maybe 2 weeks, then goes back to brunette. She may go wild 4 times a year. That's called a compromise.

[GoreSP]

Women in their 30s tend to realize they have spent their lives pleasing other people and often go through a big change in their personal style. The fact she chose for flashy colours and you feel like she is trying to look 16 tells me you are looking a Plain Jane type of woman (for lack of a better word, not saying it's a bad thing).

 

I am really not into the passive «I prefer your natural colour» type messages. She isn’t stupid and she will know what you really mean is «I wish you went back to your natural hair colour»

 

Fact is, she in no longer the Plain Jane she was when you started dating. Whatever the reason, this is now her look. It can last for a year, it can last for 10.

 

You can either deal with that fact, or leave. You both deserve better.

[Timshel]

OP has admitted not being attracted to her and basically stopped having sex with her. She is probably freaking out because it seems the only reason he’s given her is not liking her hair.

 

 

Yup, that seems to be the reason. Is that not valid? He does not want to have sex with her because of her hair.

Which is the easier fix?...change op's sexual inclinations...or, hair dye.

 

Both are correct...she should be free to dye her hair any color she pleases and he should be free to be with a women who's hair doesn't take center stage in their relationship. It's hair.

 

Such a simple thing on the outset, until a person makes it a big thing. It's a big thing now.

Despite their supposed compatibility in all things except this one thing, which I think is one-sided on his part, because her hair is blowing everything else up and she is 33 and hypothetically not so obtuse that pink and purple are attention getters for hair. No grown woman is ignorant of this, whether they choose it for themselves or not.

She does not mind that her CHOICE of hair color is a boner killer for her bf. Volumes.

[r321148]

I agree. Have tried to keep this about me as I realise it's my issue. Hair shouldn't be such a big issue.

 

She is great. Kind caring funny and loving. Changing her hair should not have such an effect on my levels of attraction. I want to get past it as it would be such a stupid thing to break up over. Thing is she has gone from being my "type" to being almost the opposite. I don't know what to do about that.

[Gaeta]

We are all telling you she's in the wrong so why do you keep on beating yourself? Romantic relationships are based on attraction, without attraction you're friends. When the attraction is gone the romantic relationship is over. You can still care, enjoy her company and her personality, but it's not a romantic relationship anymore.