Feel awful for not liking her hair

[Timshel]

Look, no one here is suggesting that you are a shallow, 'bad' guy. It would be great if your gf would wrap her head around how silly it is to let her relationship with you dissolve over her hair. She is going down that road despite your pleas.

 

You are more invested in this relationship than she is. She would rather have pink/purple/yellow/green/blue whatever hair color than be sexually compatible to you. Period. She is making her choice.

 

You need to make your own and stop dragging it out.

[S2B]

I agree. Have tried to keep this about me as I realise it's my issue. Hair shouldn't be such a big issue.

 

She is great. Kind caring funny and loving. Changing her hair should not have such an effect on my levels of attraction. I want to get past it as it would be such a stupid thing to break up over. Thing is she has gone from being my "type" to being almost the opposite. I don't know what to do about that.

 

Ya know - if this is that important to you then end the relationship.

 

My sister is bald from chemo therapy... her husband says she is the most beautiful gal he’s ever seen.

 

He loves all of her! The hair is insignificant.

 

If hair is that important to you what will you do when any woman changes their hairstyle? Can you learn to be more open to changes?

[Gaeta]

SB2: You cannot compare a woman that lost her hair during chemo to OP's situation. Chemo patients have NO control over losing their hair!

[Timshel]

Ya know - if this is that important to you then end the relationship.

 

My sister is bald from chemo therapy... her husband says she is the most beautiful gal he’s ever seen.

 

He loves all of her! The hair is insignificant.

 

If hair is that important to you what will you do when any woman changes their hairstyle? Can you learn to be more open to changes?

 

 

I'll be honest and say I find this reasoning manipulative and having people who have passed from cancer, not at all something to let slide.

 

 

Chemotherapy and hair dye are world apart. The comparison is insulting.

 

 

S2B, I hope your sister is better with treatment and wish her family well.

[GoreSP]

Yup, that seems to be the reason. Is that not valid? He does not want to have sex with her because of her hair.

Which is the easier fix?...change op's sexual inclinations...or, hair dye.

 

Both are correct...she should be free to dye her hair any color she pleases and he should be free to be with a women who's hair doesn't take center stage in their relationship. It's hair.

 

Such a simple thing on the outset, until a person makes it a big thing. It's a big thing now.

Despite their supposed compatibility in all things except this one thing, which I think is one-sided on his part, because her hair is blowing everything else up and she is 33 and hypothetically not so obtuse that pink and purple are attention getters for hair. No grown woman is ignorant of this, whether they choose it for themselves or not.

She does not mind that her CHOICE of hair color is a boner killer for her bf. Volumes.

 

I did not say it wasn't valid. OP is the one who made a big thing out of it...Now he is withdrawn and not having sex with her.

 

If OP's girlfriend was the one posting, we'd all be telling her to kick that controlling a$$hat to the curb.

[Timshel]

It is very unlikely that I would change my response. That is not how I post.

Good on on you Gore for taking the adversarial position, nothing wrong with that.

[S2B]

SB2: You cannot compare a woman that lost her hair during chemo to OP's situation. Chemo patients have NO control over losing their hair!

 

Well sure - on one hand.

 

But my suggestion was if it’s that important then the relationship should be reconsidered.

[basil67]

We are all telling you she's in the wrong so why do you keep on beating yourself?

 

I'm not telling you that she's in the wrong. If looking like how she wants to look doesn't work for you, then it's a compatibility issue. Do you really want her to wear hair she feels wrong in just to keep you happy?

 

(This is coming from a woman who has a pixie cut despite her husband loving long hair. I look stupid with long hair)

[fishlips]

I agree. Have tried to keep this about me as I realise it's my issue. Hair shouldn't be such a big issue.

 

She is great. Kind caring funny and loving. Changing her hair should not have such an effect on my levels of attraction. I want to get past it as it would be such a stupid thing to break up over. Thing is she has gone from being my "type" to being almost the opposite. I don't know what to do about that.

 

It sounds like you have deeper issues than just the hair. I know how it is when your partner likes something about their appearance and you don't. My husband has a beard, and I hate it. In fact, I think it makes him unattractive. However, he loves it, so it's not going away any time soon.

 

That said, I still love him and have sex with him. I can look past the beard.

 

If you aren't having sex with your honey and don't even want to cuddle with her, then there is more going on than meets the eye.

[S2B]

We are all telling you she's in the wrong so why do you keep on beating yourself? Romantic relationships are based on attraction, without attraction you're friends. When the attraction is gone the romantic relationship is over. You can still care, enjoy her company and her personality, but it's not a romantic relationship anymore.

 

I wasn’t saying she is in the wrong.

 

I simply said if it bothers him that much then he should reconsider the relationship.

 

It’s really about him - not her.

 

If any man required me to have my hair any certain way I’d definitely see that he has a problem - not me.

[r321148]

I agree that I sound controlling. I don't want to be. I want her to be happy. I don't want to tell her what she can or can't do with her hair.

Equally I want to feel attracted to her. I'm not withholding sex to punish her. I am just struggling to get intimate with someone that I think looks ridiculous, smells like a swimming pool and feels like a scarecrow.

 

I don't care much for the hair loss argument either. She used that as well and to me that is different. I'm not sure why.

 

I remember a few years back I had a girlfriend who hated my beard and wouldn't kiss me with it because it tickled her. I love my beard and think I look better with one but went clean shaven most of the time. Ok sometimes I got lazy or if she was away I'd let it get a bit unruly but I respected her. I didn't feel like I couldn't have a beard but I didn't want her to be uncomfortable. I didn't see it as her as trying to control me she just didn't like it.

 

We spoke a bit and there are maybe solutions like either doing something more subtle, more temporary or just colouring it less often. Hopefully there'll be some middle ground somewhere that we can both be happy with.

[Kitty Tantrum]

A series of colored wigs would be less expensive, no less expressive, and wouldn't ruin her hair and make her smell funny.

 

Honestly though I think if you're going to date a woman in her 30s you should at least be getting some emotional maturity out of the deal. I mean really. She neeeeeeeeds crazy colored hair because it's part of her identity? That's not normal grownup behavior, I don't care what anyone says. Normal overgrown child fantasyland first world problems behavior, sure.

 

Quit tying yourself in knots trying to force yourself to be attracted to a woman who is openly and defiantly making herself unattractive to you, and blatantly testing to see how much of that garbage behavior she can get away with.

 

You don't sound controlling.

 

YOU DON'T SOUND CONTROLLING.

 

SHE sounds... like a pun I'm probably not allowed to make here. It ain't pleasant-lady-trolling, I tell you what.