Feel awful for not liking her hair

[r321148]

OK so am quite aware this makes me sound like a complete ass first up.

I suffer with anxiety and have been beating myself up over it all night so just looking for a little advice.

 

Basically situation is we have been in a relationship for 18 months. She gets her hair done about every 8 weeks. She will spend the whole day at the hairdresser and spends a lot of money..... And every time I think her hair looks, feels and smells better before she goes in. Basically about 6-7 weeks after she has it done is when she looks her best and her hair feels shiny and nice.

 

Some things I am aware of: it's her hair. It's her time. It's her money.

 

She just had it done yesterday (streaked pink) and I dislike it more than usual. She has been fishing for compliments but really can't flat out lie to her so have just said nothing about the hair. I told her that her dress looked nice. I told her I liked her shoes.....its the best I can do really, although it is probably really obvious I don't like it. We went to a friend's birthday last week and I told her that she looked amazing (she did). Think that just makes it more obvious though because I do give genuine compliments if I like something.

 

I also hate the chemical smell and I hate that it feels like straw because of the dye. I instinctively recoiled when she cuddled up to me last night because of the chemical smell.... Which obviously lead her to question what was wrong. I told her I was just tired and wanting to sleep.

 

I can't bring myself to tell her I dislike it because she invests a lot of time and money in it and I feel like a bad person for not liking it. I really would struggle with flat out lying to her and telling her I like it. I lay awake last night thinking I'm an awful person for hating it. I don't want her to stop doing something that she likes, so I can't tell her. We are usually quite cuddly so she is obviously noticing that I'm not at the moment... I just can't bring myself to tell her that it's because I hate the feel and smell of her hair.... Which then makes her think there is something else wrong.

 

I love her anyway and don't care what her hair looks like. I just don't know what to say when she fishes for compliments. I feel like I should just tell her I love it.... But I am a terrible liar. I don't know how to avoid the fact that I hate the feel and smell of it as I find that hard to hide.

 

I know me telling her will upset her and then I'd just feel controlling as I honestly don't care what she does with her hair. I don't want to make her feel inadequate and if getting her hair styled helps her to feel better then that's great... I just wish there wasn't such a huge amount of expectation on me to like it because of the time and money she invests in it. Maybe that's just me and the anxiety that creates the pressure, but I don't know how to deal with it.

 

Any thoughts?

[Maddie82]

I'd say honesty is the best policy.

[Cersei]

Was her hair like this when you met? If so then leave it alone. Don't say a word.

 

If it was "normal" when you met and you liked it look back at old pics and say sonething like "Oh I love this look on you! Remember that hair style?"

 

How old is she? Perhaps she is covering grey hair. If that is the case, learn to love it and say nothing.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend likes my hair when it’s long. A few weeks ago, I cut it a little shorter. I asked him - “Everyone has complimented my hair but you. Why?” His response - “I don’t like it.” I laughed, I know he likes it when it’s longer and I usually wear it longer. But it was summer, and I wanted to cut it.

 

The thing is, it is her hair and she has every right to do it however she likes. That doesn’t mean that you can’t tell her what you like or that you don’t like what she has done.

 

And finally, think of it as a phase. This month, it’s pink. Next month, it may be blonde. Six months from now, with any luck she may not want to colour it at all. She what I’m saying... It’s just hair colour. And, women try different things all the time... It would be a shame to end a relationship with a woman over something that she could chose to change next month.

[Tribble]

You need to chill - this is really not a problem.

 

Is your gf insecure in general? How important do you think it is to her that you like her hair?

 

Although I don't do it every 8 weeks, I dye my hair wacky colours on a regular basis. My parents openly tell me they don't like it and my bf occasionally makes comments but I suspect he doesn't like it sometimes! But I don't do it for them, or anyone else, I do it for me because I like it. Personally, I would prefer someone to not say anything about my hair than lie and say they like it. But I'm not bothered that they don't like it - do you think it would upset your girlfriend if you didn't like it?

 

In terms of the smell and feel. That chemical smell goes away after a few washes. Everyone who dyes their hair knows about the smell. I don't like it and I always understand if my bf doesn't want to smell it right after. Why are you afraid of telling your gf that is the reason why? The feel is a little more tricky. I am so careful about the condition of my hair because of all the abuse I put it through. This is your gfs decision though about how much the feel matters to her and is something you'll have to learn to live with I think.

[chillii]

Not to say the old hair thing is not a very tricky one, but why would it make you sound like an ass, to us anyway- to her maybe but whatdowe care .

lt happens.

But funny l do know what you mean about it looking better later on , l often think that about someones hair.

Hair is a really big thing to me l'm passionate about my womans hair , she doesn't get it says it's only hair , but to me it's much more that that and can completely change her.

Hmm, but your problem , dunno. Have you talked to her about it. lt's hardly controlling having a fav' look with your woman , or not so fav'. You can bet they'll say something when they don't like yours, or ya pants, or shirt, or the way you eat sleep get up in the morning , your friends and bla bla bla.

Talk to her,,, but l didn't say that.

[Curiousroxy86]

Op I love how considerate you are trying to be of your girlfriends feelings many people don’t have that mindset about their partners sadly....

 

If my loving boyfriend did his hair in a way that I hated I wouldn’t just flat out tell him that I don’t like it unless he asked me. These kind of things I like to throw in the category of either you are accepting of all your partners flaws or your not. A wack a** hairstyle isn’t my list of deal breakers in a relationship lol. So I won’t proactively tell him “it’s ugly”. I would say nothing. I’m like what another poster said above. I would rather a guy not say anything then lie if he don’t like it and to add to it I rather he don’t say anything then tell me proactively he don’t like something. But if he ask me then I would say “honestly babe I like it better when it looked like xyz but I forgive you”. I prefer a tact, classy, softer approach with a bit of sassy humor but be honest. Not cold blunt arse hat approach.

 

I think volunteering your opinion about someone in a negative manner when no one asked is actually very rude and uncalled for. So I don’t think you necessarily need to say anything about her hair. She likes it. you don’t. It is what it is. You don’t have to lie and compliment. Say nothing. If she ask you though then be honest but have some class. Honesty is the best policy but you don’t have to bust up your honeys ego and self esteem in the process imo.

 

Now The exception to not proactively telling her is when it’s something that you really can’t accept or deal whether that means remain in a relationship or it means changing how you interact with your partner in a negative way. If you can just deal with the chemical smell temporarily then I would just deal but Say the chemical smell is very unbearable and you can’t bring yourself to just cuddle then you should say something instead of her feeling neglected. again keep it classy and soften the blow. you may have to proactively say “babe I love spending time with you and cuddling but the smell of the chemical hair dye really bothers me.” Let her respond however she wants to respond.

 

Goodluck

[basil67]

Most of the time, hubby doesn't comment on my new haircuts. Why? Because he doesn't really like my hair short. But he respects that I hate dealing with long hair and it never looked good on me anyway.

 

It's Ok that he doesn't like my hair.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you don't think she would take a critique of the color well, make it about the chemical smell of that hair dye. If it's not usually that bad, maybe it will encourage her to stick with other ones and not do the pink again?

 

Just a thought.

[Timshel]

I'd say honesty is the best policy.

 

Agree.

If you can't talk to your SO about hair...

Are you in a relationship or 'i'm so happy to get laid...i got nothin?'

[The Outlaw]

Telling her the truth is still better than nothing at all. It's just better to air out how you feel about it rather than keeping it to yourself. Everyone in a relationship will have at least one thing they don't like about their partner, but as said, honesty is the best policy.

[r321148]

Thanks for all the replies. Some really good advice.

 

I think a lot of it is my own anxiety that causes me to worry too much.

 

Internal conversation goes along the lines of;

 

I don't like that colour or style

But she has put loads of effort in

But I hate it

I am an ass for hating it

Why do I hate it

Maybe she knows I hate it

Maybe she is going to hate me for hating it after she tried hard

What does it matter anyway its just hair

Why is it even my business

But she's put all this time effort and money into it. I should really compliment her

No I shouldn't compliment her because its not sincere and she'll know

But then she'll notice I haven't complimented her and be upset

I don't want her to be upset.

I don't want to cuddle her because of the smell and feel

She'll notice I'm not being cuddly

I should just cuddle her

 

Basically my head is a mess.

 

I know logically it should just be.

 

"I hate it but hey ho, it's her hair, she likes it and I love her for who she is and not what her hair looks like. Just say nothing and enjoy being with her."

 

But for some reason my head doesn't seem to want to think like that.

 

Yes she does have some insecurity issues too. Which is partly why I worry about not complimenting her.

She is 34 and yes she is worried about grey hair.... But the pink looks like a 34 year old woman trying to be 16 and doesn't suit her (in my opinion) ....but she likes it which at the end of the day is all that matters.

 

Thanks for the help. I am going to bring up the smell and texture because that does bother me, but the look is none of my business so will just leave it and stick to genuine complements of things I do like.

[smackie9]

You can be honest with her about the smell and feel of the hair, but also compliment her for being adventurous and trying someone new...and that is what you really love about her....someone that is willing to take a risk. If it makes her feel good to have pink hair, then you feel good about that.

[Whodatdog]

Theres ways of answering her without telling her you hate it. You can just say...well, its different!... I dont see any real reason to tell her you flat out dont like it, all that will do is hurt her feelings. Just remember it will grow out, and in a few weeks she will go get something different.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Why not try giving her hair a little bit of attention - just touch it, look at it, and then say something like "your natural hair was so beautiful..."

 

Or if you've never actually seen her hair natural (can't believe how common that is, yikes), something like "I bet your natural hair would be so gorgeous."

 

You can replace beautiful with something more specific if you feel inspired: soft, shiny, whatever.

 

Say it longingly.

[Foxhall]

I always compliment a woman on her hair and yes I also prefer the natural look.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

I know logically it should just be.

 

"I hate it but hey ho, it's her hair, she likes it and I love her for who she is and not what her hair looks like. Just say nothing and enjoy being with her."

 

Thanks for the help. I am going to bring up the smell and texture because that does bother me, but the look is none of my business so will just leave it and stick to genuine complements of things I do like.

 

Just go with that and ignore everyone else’s terrible advice please

[r321148]

She just got it done again and I'm having the same issues.

I did bring up with her last time that I didn't like the smell or feel as she did notice that I was less affectionate. It didn't go that well but she understood that part I think. She then asked me what I thought and I told her I didn't really like it but it was her choice. She got upset and said about how much effort she had put in to coordinating her outfit and hair. That made me feel pretty crappy for upsetting her.

This time it's purple and I'm having the same issue. It smells bad again and feels horrible. It also looks even worse than last time. I recognise that this is my issue and I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts and feelings everytime she gets her hair done.

I don't want to feel controlling and hate myself for it, especially given that she got pretty upset last time. I guess I'd mind less if she just got some dye and experimented herself in an evening. It kind of makes it worse that she spends so much time (a whole day) and money (£300+) and comes back with it looking, smelling and feeling worse.... But again I know it's her time, her money and her hair.

I really do feel awful for even thinking this. I don't want to be a control freak and she should be able to do whatever she likes. I love her and I don't want this to be an issue every time I just don't know how to get past it.

[stillafool]

Well you have a right to like what you like and dislike what you dislike. I don't find purple hair, pink hair or blue hair attractive either and I'm a woman. Some men must really like it because I see a lot of women with those hair colors these days. I don't understand why her hair would smell bad if she just got it done though. I guess the only thing you can do at this point is grin and bear it.

[fromheart]

If she asks, I would just say yes it looks great but my favorite hairstyle on you was....

 

Then you're being gently honest and also giving her the adult freedom to choose.

[r321148]

If she asks, I would just say yes it looks great but my favorite hairstyle on you was....

 

Then you're being gently honest and also giving her the adult freedom to choose.

 

But that would be a lie and she would tell straight away.

 

@stillafool; I guess it smells/feels bad because of the dye? I'm not sure as not an expert on whether that is normal or not. Yeah I guess a lot of people do it and I think it's probably a freedom of expression, rather than doing it because they think men will find it attractive.... I think that is why she does it anyway; which is why I feel bad for disliking it.... As I also respect her right to do it.

[Whodatdog]

I honestly think that the entire problem is that you are both taking this far too seriously. Its hair. In 6 weeks she will change it again. I dont see a thing wrong with you saying you really dont care for it, or say...well, its different!.... but you can do it with a smile and a laugh, not a serious face. And she's taking too serious, too. If you dont love it, oh well. Its her hair.

 

I hate to think what will happen with you two if you have a disagreement about something serious. Laugh it off, bud. Its not that big of a deal.

[ChatroomHero]

As far as the smell, that's not really on her so I'm not sure why she would be hurt. I would have no problem saying it smells bad and it feels bad. It's like if you bought a used pair of high end Nikes from you loved but they smell like dirty feet. I'm pretty sure she would have no problem telling you the whole room smells like feet when you wore them...even if it gives you great enjoyment and they look nice. I doubt the investment would make her grin and bear the smell of rank foot odor.

 

 

As far as how it looks I would tell her, "It looks nice and you'd look hot if you were bald but I will ALWAYS prefer XXX". The times it does look really good when she tries other things, tell her, "Hey, I really like your hair that way a lot". Eventually she'll know what you like and don't like when you really give her a compliment. Other times she'll start to accept that you just have a preference that's hard to beat and you won't be necessarily saying you don't like it.

 

 

Her expecting you to love any style she chooses is kind of childish. Frankly she should know if she changes it up a lot, there are times it will look bad or you will not like it at all.

[Gaeta]

You have not answered if she was doing this already when you met her?

 

 

I believe in honesty between partners. That includes telling each other what we don't like (what we like) in hairstyles, or certain clothes we wear, or certain mannerism. I would not want my bf to endure me in a haircut he doesn't like. I would prefer he'd be honest and I would adjust to a point we are both happy.

[kendahke]

Any thoughts?

 

Get her that Olaplex gift set that's on sale right now. Her hair will feel and smell amazing.

 

At the 6 week mark is when the color has faded to the point where the roots start showing, hence her getting her hair done.