Pistolpete1976 Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Almost been 3 years now, wife decided she wanted to separate. The 1st year I dated a few women but nothing serious Came from it. I remained hopeful that one day she and I might be able to work things out. We share 2 children together. She has been M.I.A for the last 2 years now, she took a route that was all about her needs and I fully understand she was a stay at home mom for 20 years. In the past month she had been coming around more often and calling wanting to do family activities. I am open to this considering my kids have missed out. She has also expressed how she misses her family all under one roof and is wanting to work on our marriage. I am still in love with her so of course I want the same. Last week I found out she has been in a relationship for the past 2years. Blew me away!! Shocked me and took me off the charts mentally.. I know were separated and she is entitled to what she needs to be happy. She mentioned she is willing to drop everything to have the kids and I back. Her relationship has me confused, is she going continue with her relationship while we try to see if we can work it out and I canÂ’t digest the fact she was seeing someone all this time is also an issue I have . This is holding me back from moving forward. Really lost. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 It's not her holding you back - it's you. She has shown you exactly what kind of person she is. She left you to be with another man and now it's not working out, she wants to turn back the clock and act like nothing happened. How did you find out about her new relationship? She has shown you exactly where you stand: you don't even deserve honesty? You need to take off the rose-tinted glasses. Look at this logically. Do you think a relationship with someone who acts this way is likely to last in the long term? I wouldn't bet on it. The odds are very much stacked against a happy ending here. If I were you I'd tell her that it's great she wants to be a part of the kids lives again, but you can't put your heart on the line by being in a relationship with someone who bailed when you needed them most. Or at the very least, you have to move slowly and rebuild trust, and she must be 100% open and honest with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Guess the grass wasn't greener after all. No specific advice. IF you're happy letting her call the shots in your life, that's really up to you. Be conscious that that is what you're allowing though, by taking her back. Even if you're Plan A now, this time last year you were Plan B (and you could possibly become that again). Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 ...she is entitled to what she needs to be happy. And what about you? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Yes, she left to go live with another man. That relationship is now 'on the rocks' and she wants to come back. She will likely come back, realize it is not Disneyland/perfect at your house after all, and ultimately be unhappy and want to leave again. You and your kids have already 'been through the ringer'. Don't let her do it to you twice. Encourage her to see the kids as much as possible (1/2 time?) but divorce her and move on. Seems inevitable. You are her backup plan. Don't be. Why would you sign up for that? I'd bet a months pay that she was cheating with the guy before she left the first time. Almost guaranteed. Take off your blinders and see her for who she really is - not who you want her to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 I could use some clarity on a few things: She was a stay at home mom for 20 years: does this mean your marriage lasted for over 20 years? The first year you separated you dated a few women: Was this a demonstration of your understanding that separation was the end of monogamy between you and your wife? How did you find out that she has been in a relationship with someone for 2 or more years? ..and what is your knowledge of it's current disposition? What is the age of and where are your kids at this point in life? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 She has been M.I.A for the last 2 years now, she took a route that was all about her needs and I fully understand she was a stay at home mom for 20 years. No. Sorry, you give her way too much understanding. A mother does not get to go “MIA” from her children for two years. I don’t care if she was a stay at home mother for 20 years - many stay at home mothers do not go MIA from their families for two years. I would never consider taking this woman back. She has shown you that she is selfish, dishonest, and unworthy of your trust. Take her back at your own risk - I would NEVER do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Bud, the separation was to try out her new boyfriend. It didn't work out or he dumped her so she's looking for her plan B backup. If you look back and dig a bit you'll probably find the real truth. The problem is if she did it once the capability is there for her to do it again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I'd bet a months pay that she was cheating with the guy before she left the first time. Almost guaranteed. Take off your blinders and see her for who she really is - not who you want her to be. Yep, you really need to wake up Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Everybody is right. There is nothing to ensure she won't leave again except her promises and your needy feelings which are going to betray you. If you let her back in what happens will be on you. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Bud, the separation was to try out her new boyfriend. It didn't work out or he dumped her so she's looking for her plan B backup. Amen. If her OM would still have her, she’d remain in the witness protection program. She probably wants to come home because there’s no where else to go. Be very afraid... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
traditional Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 I think you are a lucky man. You have been handed your life back on a platter. You are free and you have enough tangible reasons to divorce. Even though you were single already for the time she is gone, you have not accepted it and you feel bound, but its all just in your mind. You can and will find someone, but first be willing and happy that you are alone, be just as self sufficient as you have been in her absence but enjoy it. I only recently learned that you must love people enough to accept and function even if they do not want to be in your life. It is good that you don't need a woman or women or anyone to be content and alive. There are a few thousand ways you can enjoy your life. You could date women so many women or date nobody, you could get a small plot to keep a few cattle, start learning to ply guitar, do motivational talks at schools, learn to weld art or useful items you can sell. There re a million ways to get to where you need. Live in the moment, and if she is not in your moments still enjoy them. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 It's a story as old as these forums (at least...) She tried it with the OM, now she wants to land back in her comfort zone with her "family" back together. Nope. She destroyed that family. You be the best father you can be to your children. Co-parent, if you must (but it sounds like they perhaps do not need any more co-parenting), but do not let that deceiver of partners and destroyer of marriages back into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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