Fiancé gives me anxiety

[brittanymarie]

Hello,

My fiancé and I have been struggling for over a year now to get back to where we were in the beginning. I have also talked to him about separating thinking that maybe we just aren’t cut out for this and it’s too far gone but he always says he wants to work it out and has even offered to attend therapy for himself because of his anger issues.

I just don’t know how much longer I can take it, and I want to stay and work it out but he makes it nearly impossible.

We have always agreed but recently when we had an argument and he ended up throwing glass plates, kicking a fan at the cat, and broke my broom in have and came towards me with it. I was terrified as it has never got to that point before and I packed my things to leave. He threw out most of my clothes on the front step and so I thought okay it’s over. But then he leaves and comes back and makes me feel guilty for making him angry and “not to poke the bear” in the morning. But I didn’t he was talking down to me and I asked him to stop is how it began.

He offered to go to the doctor but skipped his appointment which was the only way I was staying but he doesn’t care. He now just pretend everything is okay and gets mad when I try and talk about it. The worst part is I’m SO anxious now all the time. I’m constantly walking on egg shells and don’t even feel like a normal person who can go about my life.

As soon as I hear him coming home I feel sick. I stay later at work so I don’t have to go home. I worry about my pets when he’s home alone with them. Incase they anger him and he loses it. When I’m working he only texts me or calls me to yell at me about something I forgot to do at home. So when I get a text or call from him I feel sick.

He also calls down my job and because he makes decent money ( which we don’t have combined income we have separate accounts and share expenses) he makes triple what I make so he works barely ever and takes so much time off and says I don’t work hard enough. Even though I work full time and make okay money and have a college degree. Because I sit in an office all day I’m made to do all chores and take my lunch breaks to go home to tend to animals because on his days off he does whatever he wants. I have no time to do anything for myself because he gets mad if I’m not cleaning and tending to the house.

I’m exhausted, and angry and upset and anxious. But I get no where when I try and talk to him about it. Other than a fight where I have to clean up the mess he breaks my stuff.

 

He says when we fight that I should take a hint and leave but then says he doesn’t mean it like an hour later once I’m packed up and ready to leave. I am confused. I don’t have any friends and my parents are alcoholics so I don’t have any steady support from family. So I feel alone and I only have my own thought so I argue with myself about what to do. I’m now scared about physical violence and when I try and talk to him about that he says it’s because I keep pushing him to that point. But I don’t think it’s fair to put that on me.

 

I guess I’m also really resentful because at first we talked about having kids and a family and I know that we can’t because of how things are and I don’t see it getting better and I’m not getting younger. I want children and I want to stay at home with them but it sounds like even though he said he wanted all that someday he changes his mind now that we are engaged and even says that I’ll be a bad mother because of little mistakes I make around the house or with the pets. And that’s probably the only thing in life I want is a family of my own. And I raised my younger brother my whole life as my parents were not always there and I feel like I would be a good mom, not perfect but I would try my best and always try and do better.

 

I guess I am just looking for some kind words and some support to leave. I’m not sure if that what this site is for but I feel really alone and needed to vent to someone who I feel is listening. I feel like a bad person for wanting to leave and not try harder to work it out but I puke every morning because I’m so nervous. I feel like the people at work even though I can’t tell them any of my troubles, just how nice they are to me and how they treat me like a friend makes me happier then anything which is sad. I just miss even hugs as we haven’t been physical is over a year and he doesn’t kiss or hug me. I cherish even the small little things people do for me because I’m so desperate for positive contact with people. When we are in public he acts like I’m not even with him if a girl is around and if there is a guy he puts his arm around me until the guy is gone and then he goes back to ignoring me. Because he tells me I’m stupid and annoying I sometimes intentionally won’t open up to people because I don’t want them to think like wow she’s annoying.

 

 

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to leave. I know it’s the best for both of us but he convinces me otherwise every time.

 

 

Thank you everyone in advance for taking the time to read this <3 I’m 27 btw and female. We have been together since Jan 2015. Engaged last year.

[BaileyB]

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, my dear.

 

Relationships are supposed to build you up, not break you down. What you describe - fear, anxiety, lack of affection and intimacy - that’s not love. I would suggest this man doesn’t respect you at all to treat you this way. And, you allow him to continue when you continue to stay...

 

Do not marry this man. He clearly has difficulties controlling his anger and lacks self control. He then puts the blame on you and tells you not to “poke the bear.” My friend, this bear should be living alone in a cave. Situations like this tend to escalate over time - it’s only a short leap from yelling and throwing objects around to hitting you.

 

If anyone needs counselling, it’s you - to learn why you stay with this abusive man. What you are experiencing is fairly typical of an abusive relationship - he treats you badly, you threaten to leave, he convinces you to stay... he treats you badly, you threaten to leave, he convinces you to stay... It’s called the cycle of abuse. The only person who can break this cycle is you - when you actually leave.

 

You should leave, and you can leave. Find some support - family, friends, counsellor. And, pack your bags... For your own safety, don’t tell him before you do it. Just leave.

Edited August 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[notbroken]

Do NOT marry this guy. He is abusive and has serious anger issues. They likely won't get better and you will be a verbal or actual punching bag. This is supposed to be the easy and best part of your relationship. Sure doesn't sound that way. RUN! Fast!

[Blanco]

I was thinking maybe you were just being naive wanting things to go back to how they were in the beginning Then I got to the part about him physically lashing out when angry.

 

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

 

Those things will not get better. They will get worse. You marrying someone who intentionally breaks things when angry will only show him that his behavior is acceptable.

[stillafool]

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

 

You need to save every dime you make and plan an exit from this relationship. The abuse will only escalate once you say "I do". You do everything he tells you to do so he will become increase the demands and abuse with time. When he tells you to leave and you pack your things, go and do not look back. There is nothing to be confused about. You are with an abusive man who will, I repeat, will turn to violence against you next. I know this type well.

 

Maybe you can make a friend at work and confide in them for support?

[Friendorfoe]

Please leave this guy, no matter how hard it may seem. I was married to a man for 7 years who physically abused me. But the worst part was the emotional abuse, the same stuff you are experiencing now. It pained me to read the examples you gave in your post as that's how it was for me. You are young, so get out while you have a chance to recover from the emotional abuse with the help of a professional. This happened to me 20 years ago and I still have issues from that emotional abuse.

 

PM me if you want to talk more x

[BaileyB]

Hello,

My fiancé and I have been struggling for over a year now to get back to where we were in the beginning. I have also talked to him about separating thinking that maybe we just aren’t cut out for this and it’s too far gone but he always says he wants to work it out and has even offered to attend therapy for himself because of his anger issues.

I just don’t know how much longer I can take it,and I want to stay and work it out but he makes it nearly impossible.

We have always agreed but recently when we had an argument and he ended up throwing glass plates, kicking a fan at the cat, and broke my broom in have and came towards me with it. I was terrifiedas it has never got to that point before and I packed my things to leave. He threw out most of my clothes on the front step and so I thought okay it’s over. But then he leaves and comes back and makes me feel guilty for making him angry and “not to poke the bear” in the morning. But I didn’t he was talking down to me and I asked him to stop is how it began.

He offered to go to the doctor but skipped his appointment which was the only way I was staying but he doesn’t care. He now just pretend everything is okay and gets mad when I try and talk about it. The worst part is I’m SO anxious now all the time. I’m constantly walking on egg shells and don’t even feel like a normal person who can go about my life.

As soon as I hear him coming home I feel sick. I stay later at work so I don’t have to go home. I worry about my pets when he’s home alone with them. Incase they anger him and he loses it. When I’m working he only texts me or calls me to yell at me about something I forgot to do at home. So when I get a text or call from him I feel sick.

He also calls down my job and because he makes decent money ( which we don’t have combined income we have separate accounts and share expenses) he makes triple what I make so he works barely ever and takes so much time off and says I don’t work hard enough. Even though I work full time and make okay money and have a college degree. Because I sit in an office all day I’m made to do all chores and take my lunch breaks to go home to tend to animals on his days off he does whatever he wants. I have no time to do anything for myself because he gets mad if I’m not cleaning and tending to the house.

I’m exhausted, and angry and upset and anxious. But I get no where when I try and talk to him about it. Other than a fight where I have to clean up the mess he breaks my stuff.

 

He says when we fight that I should take a hint and leave but then says he doesn’t mean it like an hour later once I’m packed up and ready to leave. I am confused. I don’t have any friends and my parents are alcoholics so I don’t have any steady support from family. So I feel alone and I only have my own thought so I argue with myself about what to do. I’m now scared about physical violenceand when I try and talk to him about that he says it’s because I keep pushing him to that point. But I don’t think it’s fair to put that on me.

 

I guess I’m also really resentful because at first we talked about having kids and a family and I know that we can’t because of how things are and I don’t see it getting better and I’m not getting younger. I want children and I want to stay at home with them but it sounds like even though he said he wanted all that someday he changes his mind now that we are engaged and even says that I’ll be a bad mother because of little mistakes I make around the house or with the pets. And that’s probably the only thing in life I want is a family of my own. And I raised my younger brother my whole life as my parents were not always there and I feel like I would be a good mom, not perfect but I would try my best and always try and do better.

 

I guess I am just looking for some kind words and some support to leave. I’m not sure if that what this site is for but I feel really alone and needed to vent to someone who I feel is listening. I feel like a bad person for wanting to leave and not try harder to work it out but I puke every morning because I’m so nervous. I feel like the people at work even though I can’t tell them any of my troubles, just how nice they are to me and how they treat me like a friend makes me happier then anything which is sad. I just miss even hugs as we haven’t been physical is over a year and he doesn’t kiss or hug me. I cherish even the small little things people do for me because I’m so desperate for positive contact with people. When we are in public he acts like I’m not even with him if a girl is around and if there is a guy he puts his arm around me until the guy is gone and then he goes back to ignoring me. Because he tells me I’m stupid and annoying I sometimes intentionally won’t open up to people because I don’t want them to think like wow she’s annoying.

 

Brittanymarie, reread what I have highlighted in bold and tell me if this is a relationship worth fighting for? Those are your own words... That’s not love.

 

I would suggest that the relationship you fight for is the one with yourself. If you have counselling through work, call them. Or, talk to your doctor. Or, call a domestic abuse hotline. Or, go to a women’s shelter and ask to talk with someone.

 

You are a pretty amazing woman if you raised your brother when your parents could not. You are an amazing woman to get a college degree when you had such little support. Don’t sell yourself short. It’s hard, when someone is telling you that you are stupid and annoying, not to believe them. But, you MUST NOT believe this man.

 

Clearly, if you were raised by two alcoholic parents you were raised in an unhealthy and probably abusive home. It’s no wonder that you have found yourself with an abusive man. But, you can change this...gather your strength, find some support, and do what you must to love and take care of yourself - leave. Today.

Edited August 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[BTDT2012]

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Leave him, and don't let him know where you are.

[BaileyB]

I have known for a while that this relationship doesn’t bring anything worthy to my life but for some reason find myself always waking up hoping that I can convince him that I am worthy of his attention and respect.

 

Your own words from a previous post in June, brittanymarie.

 

With respect, you can convince someone that they should respect you. Either they do, or they don’t. And he clearly doesn’t respect you, if he is treating you this way.

 

The person you need to convince that you are worthy of respect is not your boyfriend, but yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT. Period. There should be no need to convince anyone. You are worthy simply because - you are. If you truly thought you were worthy, you would not settle for this relationship. You would not allow this man to treat you in this way...

 

I hope you find the strength to make a different decision for yourself. The only person who can do it is you - but, there is support available to you. You need only ask...

Edited August 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

Leave him for the sake of the children you want to have someday. The cat who he kicked the fan at? That cat will be your kid one day.

 

Give those future children a home free of abuse, free of horrible tension, free of an angry father who uses them and their mother as a punching bag.

 

In other words, the future you want isn't going to happen with this man. That future will be very, very dark and it will affect more lives than your own.

[BaileyB]

Sorry, that should say you CAN’T convince someone to respect you. Either they do or they don’t. And, they won’t respect you if you don’t respect yourself. You do that by setting a boundary - showing him that he is not allowed to be abusive toward you. You do that by leaving.

[BettyDraper]

Do you want to be a battered wife? If not, don't marry this man.

[Mrin]

Don't marry this man

[Turning point]

Run, and don't look back. Don't hesitate, don't pause, and never ponder possibility in this situation again. Just run from it.

 

Let everyone who cares about you know why you ran, and don't keep this a secret.

[basil67]

Brittany, you need to confide to a loved one. Parents/sister/best friend.

 

Do you have anywhere you can go?

[Sunlight72]

GET OUT. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

 

I am really sorry you are in this situation - I am sure it is horribly confusing, and sad, and scary. I'm sorry.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to leave.

I know why. There is a far-back part of you that grew up with some kind of neglect or in a home where people treated each other in a mean-spirited way...

I am confused. I don’t have any friends and my parents are alcoholics so I don’t have any steady support from family.

Unfortunately, that far-back part of you finds this kind of environment familiar, and feels this is the 'right' place for you to be. I know in your conscious thoughts you don't want it, and don't feel loved, but there is a deeper part of you that can't understand words that feels like this makes sense.

 

There is a deep part of you that wants to recreate a dynamic similar to what you have with your parents... hurtful situation with someone who should love you (like you had with your parents)... and then figure out a way to be so good to them that you change them from hurting you and giving you no value, to treating you with love, kindness, and warm attention because you really want to fill up with the love you should have had, and should now have, from your parents/family. But this guy is not going to do that for you. He has his own deep-background framework that makes him feel he is 'right' when he is mean to you. The meaner he is, the more natural it feels to him. Deeper than words. I am sure he can't even understand it with words. Most likely it is permanent for him.

 

Just in case you wanted to know.

 

You can figure that out better later. The important thing now is to get yourself OUT of this man's life. Collect your things and your money, leave him the ring with a short note, and stay with a friend from work while you find a new, safe place to live. I would suggest you see if a friend at work would like a roommate for 6 months or so - it would be really good for you to have another person in a safe home with you while you get started on a new life.

 

I know it’s the best for both of us but he convinces me otherwise every time.

You are right, it would be best for you both. He is wrong.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited August 5, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Mr. Lucky]

As soon as I hear him coming home I feel sick.

 

I'll just repeat what's been said - for the next 20, 30 or 40 years?

 

You won't have to wait for him to hurt you, you'll be dead from the stress and anxiety.

 

You might consider a clean break, including moving to another city for a new, fresh start.

 

The hellish nightmare you describe is not the way anyone should pass their given days on Earth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Dear B,

I know exactly what you are going through. It is true you are in an abusive relationship. I was in one for 5 years when in my early 20’s. Stuck in the same endless cycle you describe. It is VERY hard to break free. I only did so after having children and I only got the courage to do so because I had to do it for them... not for myself.

 

You learn to put your head down and go into survival mode so you can drown out your own feelings of weakness that you cannot leave.

 

Don’t make my mistakes. You need to reach out to a women’s shelter and find some support. You cannot do it alone. It is sooo hard to leave. But in the end only you can save yourself. Baby steps.

 

PM me if you ever need support.