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Getting Father's Permission

shydad

By shydad,
in Getting Married

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shydad

shydad

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I just sent the IM to her dad. Reading the new responses got me thinking. Maybe it's ok at this age. Also, if I do it, it could be awkward and uncomfortable. If I don't do it, feelings could get hurt. Doing it is harder but has less potential for problems.

 

I asked to meet with him on the 10th (or 24th if that is better for him).

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Beendaredonedat

Beendaredonedat

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Good for you. Just be your fine self and don't worry, it will be well received I'm sure.

 

Let us know how it goes.

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Flame Aura

Flame Aura

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My girlfriend already told me when I propose to make sure I ask her dad first (she's very close to her family), make sure she has had a manicure (can't be taking ring pictures with untidy nails), make sure I go down on one knee, and to make sure it doesn't overlap with any other occasion (xmas, birthdays etc) so we have our own day. Also to talk to her best friend before I buy the ring as she will know whether my gf will like it.

 

 

Makes things easier for me at least. :p

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alphamale

alphamale

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My girlfriend already told me when I propose to make sure I ask her dad first (she's very close to her family), make sure she has had a manicure (can't be taking ring pictures with untidy nails), make sure I go down on one knee, and to make sure it doesn't overlap with any other occasion (xmas, birthdays etc) so we have our own day. Also to talk to her best friend before I buy the ring as she will know whether my gf will like it.

 

I can see who is going to wear the pants in your family :laugh:

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Lotsgoingon

Lotsgoingon

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I'm sorta against this on principle ...

 

But ... if I really liked the dad ... I mean, really really liked him ... and it sorta felt natural to do, then I'd consider it.

 

Or if my partner had hinted multiple times that she would love for a guy to talk to her dad before proposing ... then I would consider it.

 

If I did this, I would use the moment to really ask for something ... not just "permission" ... or "approval." ... I would say something like ... marriages work best when families get along ... Your daughter really admires you ... and I'd like your endorsement for me marrying her. I'd like you to be a cheerleader for us. "Cheerleader" is cheesy, I know ...

 

But the point is that I'd want to lock the guy into agreeing to be helpful to our marriage. I don't want the permission of someone destructive or dysfunctional.

 

In reality, I think context and intuition are the key here ... I wouldn't do this unless the idea really appealed to me ...

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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I just sent the IM to her dad.

 

Good. Just remember you are asking for his Blessing, not his permission.

 

Let us know how it goes & the proposal too. Best wishes!

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Haha, this is really a different strokes for different folks thing. :laugh: I would be immensely weirded out if we'd had family (or really, ANYone aside from the two of us) present at the proposal... IMO, it's a private and intimate moment, for the couple alone. There's space enough for family and friends at the wedding.

 

They weren't actually present....just helped set it up beforehand. :)

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TheRainbow

TheRainbow

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My husband didn't get my father's permission as I'm not a piece of property. But he did talk to my mother and father separately and promised to be there for me.

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shydad

shydad

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It's done. I think it went well. I asked for his blessing. He gave his blessing, and permission (which I didn't ask for).

 

We met for an hour. He did seem uncomfortable, but he's also not a chit chatty type person. He asked me about my job and benefits, custody arrangement, if I was able to keep my house after the divorce, how long I would want to wait before getting married, and what my son thinks about it. He went into detail about his daughter, and their family -- non-flattering details, to make sure I knew what I was getting into (which I do). He suggested that we could or should live together first, which surprised me. He said you learn a lot more about each other that way. (I do not intend to do this.)

 

My expectation was that he would have wanted to know more about me, to make sure I was fit for his daughter, but that didn't happen. What he said was more about making sure I knew what I was doing.

 

Thank you all for your input. Your comments were helpful.

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MissBee

MissBee

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I want to reiterate that the person whose feelings matter most about this is that of the woman you want to marry. If you don't know her feelings on this "tradition", I strongly suggest that you ASK her. It doesn't matter whether people on LS think it's a nice thing to do or whether it's something they'd want their daughter's fiance to do or not... you're not marrying her father, you're marrying HER.

 

 

Only do it if you know it's something she would want you to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it helps, not really true for me... :p

 

 

 

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

 

I agree.

 

For me, it's very strange and what it symbolizes is based in ideas I don't subscribe to....but anyone marrying me should know this and wouldn't do something like that. Which is the point, whatever we think matters very little in this case. Knowing your partner and what she believes in and would appreciate is the most important.

 

In general, by the time you've decided to marry someone, you should know they want to marry you, since you should have talked about it before, and you should also know them and their values well enough to know certain things they'd appreciate. If you don't, that is maybe a sign you need to learn a bit more before taking that leap.

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alphamale

alphamale

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It's done. I think it went well.

 

mmm you may want to re-think the above, sounds to me like he was trying to get rid of you

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basil67

basil67

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I tend to agree with Alpha. It sounds like he's got grave concerns about you marrying her.... but knows he can't stop you and so gave his blessing.

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alphamale

alphamale

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It's done. I think it went well. I asked for his blessing. He gave his blessing, and permission (which I didn't ask for).

 

We met for an hour. He did seem uncomfortable, but he's also not a chit chatty type person. He asked me about my job and benefits, custody arrangement, if I was able to keep my house after the divorce, how long I would want to wait before getting married, and what my son thinks about it. He went into detail about his daughter, and their family -- non-flattering details, to make sure I knew what I was getting into (which I do). He suggested that we could or should live together first, which surprised me. He said you learn a lot more about each other that way. (I do not intend to do this.)

 

My expectation was that he would have wanted to know more about me, to make sure I was fit for his daughter, but that didn't happen. What he said was more about making sure I knew what I was doing.

 

Thank you all for your input. Your comments were helpful.

 

#1 - He felt uncomfortable

#2 - Non flattering details about family

#3 - Suggested living together (No Dad does this)

#4 - Didn't want to know more about you

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