SunGenie Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Ive been married almost 3 years. My husband is 63 and I am 56. When we first met he told me he has a pituitary tumor (non cancerous). He said it causes prolactin to flood his body and decreases his sex drive, causes ED. He used Viagra and we were able to work around it. Wasnt great sex but I felt wanted and happy. 6 months into our marriage all the excuses started. We stopped having sex. He put forth zero effort, I would offer to get him off but he never seemed interested, I was using the wrong lube or not doing it right that it was too sensitive, hurt, numb... Whatever sexual hangups he has along with ED and zero testosterone, he has shut down completely from wanting anything to do with sex. My sex drive is still high, he makes no effort to please me. NONE. He doesnt even touch me except to rub my back every now and then. He claims I need to make the first move, dress sexy, turn him on. why? He has no interest and refuses to even try to get turned on. I have toys he could use on me, he has hands and a mouth that still work....zip, nada. No interest. No desire to keep me happy or please me. And here is the kicker, he goes online to look at women. He told me "porn is degrading to women, I dont look at it, why would I, I cant get an erection". Lies, I found porn history and porn pics saved on his computer. I hate being married to a man that wont desire me or even flirt, he could get me off if he really loved me, he doesnt even seem to care I cry myself to sleep being in a sexless marriage with a man who wants nothing more than a wife for a room mate. I am frustrated, I feel rejected and he makes it worse by saying I have insecurity and jealousy issues about him looking at other women. Yea, I am insecure I feel unwanted and rejected. He is more into women celebs on the internet than his own wife. Why would a man claim he cant get it up and has no interest in sex then in secrecy oogle women on the internet or porn. He cant get it up but I guess he can be lazy and stare at Katy Perry and jack off and climax? Im unhappy and lonely and want a man who wants me. I dont need jungle sex, just a mans touch and to feel wanted and loved. He doesnt care if my needs are not met. Doesnt care about me other than having me as a room mate it seems. He gets mad and asks me why sex is so important he does everything else for me. He knows I miss sex, wont do anything about it. Ive even wondered if he is gay or something happened in his childhood. He says no, he just has no desire. Ok, then why oogle women online and look at porn? He says "I was just curious". WTH? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Agree this doesn't make much sense. Not sure, but if he really has ED that badly it doesn't make sense that he can climax to porn readily. Are you 100% sure he cums, or is it just looking? Possibly he's addicted to porn, which I've heard can make it difficult to enjoy normal sex (e.g. since many women take a while to get warmed up, and porn often presents fetishes "on demand", etc). Sorry I don't have any easy answers for you. I think he's not being 100% straight with you at some level, but it's hard to pin down exactly what the issue is. I will say that, given that apparently many women lose a significant amount of drive around this age, it's a shame to let a more active woman like you "go to waste" IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I suspect its just easier for him to masturbate then it is to get you to. He's likely been having his orgasms that way all of his life since he's developed the tumour. He's not going to change so why are you staying with him? If you don't want to leave him, would he be open to letting you have a lover? Would he be willing to go to a sex therapist with you? He doesn't seem to think you are willing to leave him if he's not willing to show you the affection you are missing. Have you told him you will if he doesn't do SOMETHING to change things up? Would you leave him? Don't say it if you won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 If its easier for him to jack off to porn he should have stayed single instead of lie to me and take marriage vows. Im readybto leave him, and I do mean it. Sick of being rejected by my own husband. I think he sat fantasizing about unattainable women for so long, he cant perform with a real woman. I know why he never had a long term relationship, just a bunch of women friends he was having emotional affairs with. Im sick of loving a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable. It sucks, Id rather be single, I pretty much am now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 If its easier for him to jack off to porn he should have stayed single instead of lie to me and take marriage vows. Yes but I assume you knew he had a problem going into the relationship. Yes? it's like any relationship... once the honeymoon period is over, things tend to be less lustful. When someone has the problem he does, then getting someone off probably becomes a chore when things are less lustful (just sayin) Im ready to leave him, and I do mean it. Sick of being rejected by my own husband. I think he sat fantasizing about unattainable women for so long, he cant perform with a real woman. I know why he never had a long term relationship, just a bunch of women friends he was having emotional affairs with. Im sick of loving a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable. It sucks, Id rather be single, I pretty much am now.Then yes, time to throw in the towel, particularly if you talk to him honestly like you are here and he won't go to sex therapy with you and personal therapy on his own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 He had a problem but Viagra helped and he put forth effort and got me to marry him. Once we got married he refused to take Viagra again, claims it doesnt work anymore. I know if the tables were turned and I couldnt have sex, Id sure as hell still be giving him blow and hand jobs to keep him satisfied. I mean hencould use my vibrator on me or use his hand, he wont even offer to do that. I asked him if he wasnt turned on by menanymore to let me go find someone who is. He thinks what he does for me is enough that its stupid I need orgasms. He doesnt even get that I need touch and intimacy and to feel wanted by a man. I know nothing will change, he withholds thisnfrom me for some reason, maybe its a power trip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I’m just going to point out we’ve seen the other side of this coin here many times. In those cases, the husband is advised to be patient and understanding as the wife works through the medical issues and is often told he’s overvaluing sex, he should emphasize other parts of the marriage. It is frequently implied his focus on sex is selfish. I’m not sure why the OP’s situation is much different ... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I’m not sure why the OP’s situation is much different ... It not. However, if she is not able to do exactly as you have suggested, as has been suggested to others... you can’t make someone love you or want to be intimate. If physical and emotional intimacy with another person is important to this OP, her only other option is to consider leaving the marriage to find it elsewhere... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I’m not sure why the OP’s situation is much different ... Never seen a man here in a sexless marriage complaining that his wife is masturbating to porn, but is ignoring him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 It is a big psycho problem for many men who can’t gave an erection. Just because he can’t get it up doesn’t mean he is unable to orgasm. If he can orgasm, you can alter your bed room activities so every on is happy. He can also get a penile implant and last for hours. When he turns 65, Medicare will pay for it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I know if the tables were turned and I couldnt have sex, Id sure as hell still be giving him blow and hand jobs to keep him satisfied. I mean hencould use my vibrator on me or use his hand, he wont even offer to do that. It doesn't tend to work like that, take away desire and the genitals are a no go area basically. It becomes a chore, resentment builds and it is then at first avoided then stopped... Porn and his hand is easier and a lot less hassle, less stressful and more pleasurable for him than trying to get you to orgasm. That is the bottom line. At 63 he may have little clue what to do apart from stick it in, some men don't know and some men don't want to know either... Seems your guy is dismissive of the female orgasm... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Its to the point my husband withholds physical intimacy, all I want to do is seek attention elsewhere. Otherwise Im living with someone who is nothing more than a room mate. I do believe he masturbates even though he cant get an erection and stares at women on the internet to feel like a man. He was all gung ho when we were dating, he flirted and always told me I qas beautiful. Now I feel like all I am is a damn maid and cook. He works and when he is not working, he is bitching about work then stares at the tv, goes to bed. I feel scammed. I think he just wanted a ring on his finger and the ability, age at 63, to say he is married. He is more into other mens wives than his own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Not uncommon, Older man seeks wife as maid and cook, and potential nurse and caretaker too... Bait and switch. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 He isn't having sex with you because he is not turned on and with ED he just can't perform. Like you said he still has a mouth and hands but his lace of desire is why he doesn't use them. I find it interesting that he can look at younger women on the computer and possibly get a rise. Elaine is correct that quite a few older men marry to have someone to take care of them. I know some older women who are miserable with their husbands also and the lack of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Not uncommon, Older man seeks wife as maid and cook, and potential nurse and caretaker too... Bait and switch. Sadly true. I would also add companion, but perhaps not “sexual partner.” If he was invested in the relationship and concerned with your feelings, there would be SOME kind of physical intimacy, even if that is not sexual intimacy. What you describe sounds like he has found something easy that meets his needs. If you want more, you are going to have to look elsewhere... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I say this to the men and I'll say it to you too: it's not unreasonable in a marriage to insist that your needs be met to some acceptable level. Otherwise, you're just roommates and/or, as you say, maid and cook. That situation does actually work for some folks, but too one sided and lacking in pleasure to be happy in for many others. If he wants to stay married, he can, as been pointed out, figure out something. IF it's worth bothering to you, consider seeing what happens if you insist on what you want from him. Just be sure you know in advance what the stakes are for you, and how far you're willing to go if the answer is no and/or he just can't be bothered. My other suggestion would be to avoid having an affair. It appears that in the vast majority of cases it doesn't make things better (read the relevant sections of this forum if you don't believe me). Just leave and you can have a full and open relationship with someone who's a better match for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I agree in this instance that taking a lover likely won't work for you, OP. You sound like you totally resent your husband to the point of not even loving him anymore so finding a lover will more likely than not lead to you falling for your lover and being mixed up with a guy that would do you knowing you're married (not the best choice of character to be hooked on emotionally, IMO). Good luck, I hope he will seek out sex therapy with you... first though, you have to get real and talk to him as candidly as you've vented to us here. He's not convinced you're at the end of your rope with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Never seen a man here in a sexless marriage complaining that his wife is masturbating to porn, but is ignoring him. Agreed, you’d have to substitute Facebook or TV but the dynamic still the same. SunGenie, I’d give him one chance to fix this through counseling, otherwise I’d be gone. Life’s too short... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 How many men would settle for a totally sexless marriage? A wife who refuses to touch, show affection, flirt, or even remotely act interested in her husband? Im still interested in sex, touching, basic intimacy. I need a man who looks at me, wants to touch me, gets excited to take me out and spend time with me. I married a cinder block. I cant live the rest of my life crying myself to sleep looking at someones back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 How many men would settle for a totally sexless marriage? A wife who refuses to touch, show affection, flirt, or even remotely act interested in her husband? Actually quite a lot do. You can read around this forum and see their stories. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 So, Sungenie: Have you decided to actually communicate to your husband that you are at your breakup point with him due to his lack of emotional and physical intimacy? Are you going to give him a chance to remedy or are you finished with him and you're just going to dump him? Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Im still interested in sex, touching, basic intimacy. I need a man who looks at me, wants to touch me, gets excited to take me out and spend time with me. I married a cinder block. I cant live the rest of my life crying myself to sleep looking at someones back. At this point and with you just reiterating what you've already said, its sounding like you're soliciting for such a man. What, SunGenie will you do now that you've run out of rope with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I need a man who looks at me, wants to touch me, gets excited to take me out and spend time with me. You've convinced us but it's not our decision. The crowd consensus here - - he's not participating in your marriage - your needs are completely normal - he doesn't seem interested in fixing the problem Next step up to you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 When we first met he told me he has a pituitary tumor (non cancerous). He said it causes prolactin to flood his body and decreases his sex drive, causes ED. Is he on medication for his hyperprolactinaemia? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) I have communicated with him a million times already. I told him I need physical touch, to feel wanted. I said if we just made time to cuddle, hold each other, get in bed naked and just be together that I would never expect him to produce a raging hard on and have jungle sex. He does take medication for the prolactin, a drug called Cabergoline which turns him into a zombie. He only takes it once a week. The issue is he already has it in his mind an erection will never happen so he doesnt try. Last time I suggested Viagra, he pretended to take it but didnt so of course, nothing happened. He got injections and although I never saw him inject himself, nothing happened. I didnt find out about a lot of things until after we got married but he was involved emotionally with a lot of women "friends", many married women who were emailing and texting him. I left him once because he never seemed to be able to close the door on these email relationships with these women. My husband has relied on relationships with women who are unattainable (married or not interested in anything other than friendship) because these relationships were safe for him. He played on their sympathy as a lonely single guy and would write to them offering friendship and money (he loaned $10k to some married woman in another state). I think being besties and loaning money to married women and having them turn to him for friendship filled the gap of not being able to have sex. I found out he was involved more than he led on to with a lady that lived in another city. He wanted a relationship with her, she used him for money and favors and never wanted to be anything more than friends.....until he met me. I came into the picture and ALL these women got jealous and suddenly tried convincing him they cared about him. I think he prefers unattainable women, they are more exciting...he has had the hots for Robin Meade, Shania Twain, Katy Perry, Julianne Hough as he searches for these women on the internet. He claims he loves me and married me but I truly wonder if its because he wanted to be married and just have someone who is a good wife, yet behind closed doors live his secret life of fantasizing about women he cant get. He doesnt seem very experienced sexually, I think he just gave a bunch of women oral sex but never could do it with them. I dont know if something else happened in his childhood or youth (I asked him but he said no). Im attractive to other men, yet to my husband you would think Im invisible. Maybe I am too loving and kind and its more exciting to chase an unattainable bitch who doesnt want him for anything except favors and money? Maybe if I acted like I didnt love him and ignored him, treated him.like crap he would get turned on and want me more. I dunno, I flat out have told him Im sexually frustrated and lonely and he just tells me oir relationship is good except I am demanding orgasms... stupid but thats what he said, he totally missed the physical intimacy explanation and that I just want to feel wanted. He withholds and now Im withholding, I feel lied to and rejected, no talks ever help, he just gets mad and then starts saying "I guess Im a rotten husband" and has a pity party. Edited August 6, 2019 by SunGenie Link to post Share on other sites
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