Michelle ma Belle Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Ugh...I'm having serious flashbacks of own marriage... OP, I've sooooo been here so I understand what you're going through...believe me. I'm not going to go into all the details again about my marriage so if you want to know more, you can search me out. All I will tell you is that if he doesn't step up to the plate, and soon, this won't end well. I left my husband of 20 years for many of the same reasons you wrote about. It was only after we signed the divorce papers that he finally realized what he lost and by that time it was way too late. I don't care who is withholding sex, husband or wife and for whatever reason, at some point, the cracks will take over until the relationship is no longer repairable. I'm all for trying to work things out with your partner but the bottom line is that it takes TWO PEOPLE working at the relationship at all times. One person doesn't get to call all the shots especially when it comes to sex and intimacy. There are ways around a lot of things but it all starts with honesty, communication, compromise and effort. You've gone around and around with him about this and he hasn't done anything to show you that he's not only heard you but cares enough about your needs. That's selfish and that's unacceptable. You can try counselling but if he's anything like my ex-husband, he'll not want to go and if he does he'll be kicking and screaming the whole way and not bother following through with the homework that comes with therapy. Nothing will change which means you have some serious decisions to make. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Maybe he's just looking at celebs and porn to see if he can get excited without the pressure of actually being with you during it. But clearly, he doesn't feel much sex drive. I'm sure he wishes he did. It sounds like he has legit physical problems preventing him, and really, if a person has no sex drive to speak of, it's not very pleasant for them to have to just get you off, especially when you could take care of yourself, as many people do on a day to day basis. You can't be mad at him for it. You have no reason to be insecure. He is probably only looking hoping something will bring him back. Certainly being mad and nagging isn't going to do anything but drive him further away. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Sounds like you were perhaps bait-and-switched somewhat when getting into this marriage unfortunately. Seems like your main options are to: - Continue trying to work on it - Tolerate it - Leave I would mention again that having an affair might seem like an option, but really that's #2 (attempting to make it tolerable) and will likely backfire in unpleasant ways. In theory you could ask him about opening up the marriage (openly) since he can't or won't have sex. I wouldn't recommend this, but it seems like a possible 4th option. Not sure it's anything that you'd want though + if you're not both the polyamorous type to start with that's also very likely to backfire IMO. Seems like you're in a tough spot, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 So, SunGenie what are you going to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Im still interested in sex, touching, basic intimacy. I need a man who looks at me, wants to touch me, gets excited to take me out and spend time with me. I married a cinder block. I cant live the rest of my life crying myself to sleep looking at someones back. No sex again, ever, is unrealistic of him. I get that. However, expecting lust and excitement to be in your company, of an old married man? I think that is unrealistic. He's familiar with you now. Comfortable. You also need to consider the alternative. Chances are, if you leave him, you'll be single for the rest of your life. Men our (I'm 54) age want younger women. Unless you're young looking and slender, older guys ALSO want 40 something women. Personally, I'd leave him. But I'd also accept that was it for me, as far as relationships went. No sex or intimacy while single is still better than no sex or affection while lonely in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman. No affection can destroy your soul. I personally would tell him he either makes an effort one way or another or you are done. Give him 3 months and if you don't like his effort then it seems you have your answer. And seriously - it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman. There are other ways to get pleasure and he/she is very selfish for not making an effort to please you. BTDT - living without affection is just not worth it and will likely destroy your happiness. I'd personally rather live truly alone than be lonely in a crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 Couldn't agree more with the below...tired of being with a selfish man who doesn't value me. I could care less about being married or being in a relationship, all I want is to be happy instead of in a constant state of anxiety, crying myself to sleep (I'm alone regardless, it's like sleeping with a cinder block) and always depressed. It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman. No affection can destroy your soul. I personally would tell him he either makes an effort one way or another or you are done. Give him 3 months and if you don't like his effort then it seems you have your answer. And seriously - it doesn't matter if it is a man or woman. There are other ways to get pleasure and he/she is very selfish for not making an effort to please you. BTDT - living without affection is just not worth it and will likely destroy your happiness. I'd personally rather live truly alone than be lonely in a crowd. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Yes, we understand your thoughts on it, Sun because you've repeated ad nauseum. The question now is: What are you going to do about it? Stay in your codependency and complain or leave and find a man that wants to ravish you until you can't walk? (or stay in your codependency and take a lover) Three choices, cuz he aint changing... which one do you pick? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Yes, we understand your thoughts on it, Sun because you've repeated ad nauseum. No need to be rude about it. This is a genuine issue and a lot of people take a long time to make life changing decisions. Have a little compassion! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 9, 2019 Author Share Posted August 9, 2019 Why ? You want him? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 No one here wants your husband. It was asked because you have complained about how miserable you are with him going on 4 pages and we are curious exactly what you plan to do about your situation. What do you plan to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) No need to be rude about it. This is a genuine issue and a lot of people take a long time to make life changing decisions. Have a little compassion!Oh please now.... let's not give the Op enabling dialogue to yet again ignore the question. She's repeated her story several times... She's told us in 7 posts basically the same thing. We understand her dilemma completely and she has our sympathy. I'm not asking her to leave him, she can take all the time to do that that she needs. I'm askin her if she will leave him or stay with him and just continue to vent. A simple "I don't know yet" instead of just repeating her situation perhaps? She has to be guided into controlling the only person she will have complete success in controlling and that is herself. Asking her "what are you going to do about that." Is the first step. Edited August 9, 2019 by Beendaredonedat Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunGenie Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 I have made my decision and do not need further advice! Link to post Share on other sites
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