RainbowPride Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hey everyone. I just signed up to get some help with something. I have been dating this married woman for a little over 8 months. Her and her husband are still together, are still living together, etc. The problem I need help with is my jealousy, and it's not what you think. I get jealous when they have sex, even though her and I have sex more than they do. It's so weird to the both of us. It's not causing us problems or anything, but I don't wanna feel like that. Can anyone explain to me why I feel this way? I am very much in love with her, and she is with me, too. She's polyamorous, I am not. Her husband does not know. I just want some help to try and figure out why I feel jealous. I'm not jealous of anything else. Just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I get jealous when they have sex, even though her and I have sex more than they do. Can anyone explain to me why I feel this way? I am very much in love with her, and she is with me, too. She's polyamorous, I am not. Her husband does not know. Bold text is your answer. You're a one-woman guy and right now, you basically have a time share. Also, if she's poly, why doesn't her husband know about you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainbowPride Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Bold text is your answer. You're a one-woman guy and right now, you basically have a time share. Also, if she's poly, why doesn't her husband know about you? Because he's not poly and doesn't believe in sharing. Her marriage would end if he found out. He considers that cheating, honestly. I don't think that's my answer. I knew she was poly when we got together. I only get to see her once maybe twice a week Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 OK, so then she's a cheater. Classy. You may have known she was "poly" when you started seeing her, but you probably felt you were able to handle things because it was still a hypothetical. Now you've fallen for her, you're not poly, so of course you feel jealous about "sharing" this woman. You're aware this has no future, right? Even if she left her husband, because she's "poly," you'll always be splitting time with her and at least one other guy. Unless you're OK with that, I don't see why you stay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Because he's not poly and doesn't believe in sharing. Her marriage would end if he found out. He considers that cheating, honestly. Polyamory is when two people AGREE to open their relationship. It's all about consent of both parties. Without consent, it's just cheating. And you feel bad because you're not an acknowledged party. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Agree with Basil. Also, she’s poly by nature so much so that she will cheat on her husband. You think she won’t do that to you? She will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainbowPride Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Agree with Basil. Also, she’s poly by nature so much so that she will cheat on her husband. You think she won’t do that to you? She will. Oh i've been told that if she would do it to him, she'd do it to me. I don't make a big deal about it to her because she is married. She wishes that he would allow her to be with someone else besides him. He HAS told her that he wouldn't care if she were with another woman, BUT she wants me. I'm a Transgender Woman, but I still have male parts. I have met her husband. We all 3 hang out a lot and we just go on like nothing is going on. He brings her over once or a twice a week and she stays a day or 2 with me. Yes, overnight. That's the only time we our alone time together. It's not easy. It never will be easy. Now, I don't go out looking for anyone else, because yes, I would feel like I would be cheating on her. I ain't doing that to her. . . . IF she were to ever fully get with me, I would allow her to be with me and another WOMAN only. . BUT would not allow them to go off on their own without me. I won't allow them to be intimate without me. I can't do that. When I first met her, I was with her and her friend together. We had a 3-sum several times. Yes, I enjoyed that. I slept with both of them at the same time. I am fully ok with that since we all 3 were together. I know this is going to end badly for me eventually. I was just trying to get some help on why I feel jealous when she has sex with her own husband, even though she has sex with me way more. They have sex like 3 times a month. . Her and me, about 8 times a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RainbowPride Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 OK, so then she's a cheater. Classy. You may have known she was "poly" when you started seeing her, but you probably felt you were able to handle things because it was still a hypothetical. Now you've fallen for her, you're not poly, so of course you feel jealous about "sharing" this woman. You're aware this has no future, right? Even if she left her husband, because she's "poly," you'll always be splitting time with her and at least one other guy. Unless you're OK with that, I don't see why you stay. Because I'm a Transgender Girl, and she's the first woman in 3 years that has even given me a chance. I don't date men. I'm not attracted to them. No biological woman wants to deal with a Transgender Girl, even if they are a lesbian. I don't have the right parts just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Swingen Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Putting the transgender issue to one side. I agree with the previous posters. She's not polyamorous, she's cheating! You aren't 'dating a married woman'. You are the OW with someone having an affair. The transgender side of things is way out of my knowledge and comfort zone, but the issues you are facing are ones that many people have faced. Lots of charities and helplines are available with good advice. Whatever your sexuality, sex or tastes, you don't want to be the OW. Read the blogs on this website, it's full of very unhappy people who've wasted years of their lives with married men and women. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Jealousy is a biological predisposition. It exists because it's effective. It's hard to switch off, as you're wishing you could do because of the circumstances. Perhaps you can condition yourself to be less jealous, similar to how we can overcome irrational fear through exposure. You can have a conversation with yourself about it when it happens. Instead of thinking of that jealous feeling as being who you are in that moment, say eh, it's just my amygdala inappropriately pushing those mate-guarding instincts at me... then hit the snooze button and go on about your day. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Married women aren’t supposed to date. This woman is cheating on her husband, regardless of how she tries to frame it. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Hey everyone. I just signed up to get some help with something. I have been dating this married woman for a little over 8 months. Her and her husband are still together, are still living together, etc. The problem I need help with is my jealousy, and it's not what you think. I get jealous when they have sex, even though her and I have sex more than they do. It's so weird to the both of us. It's not causing us problems or anything, but I don't wanna feel like that. Can anyone explain to me why I feel this way? I am very much in love with her, and she is with me, too. She's polyamorous, I am not. Her husband does not know. I just want some help to try and figure out why I feel jealous. I'm not jealous of anything else. Just that. Are you married though? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Married women aren’t supposed to date. This woman is cheating on her husband, regardless of how she tries to frame it. Bailey, I think we passed Supposed To Blvd awhile ago –– don't think the OP came here to seek our permission or spiritual guidance. It is in the OM/OW forum. Aren't threads in this section supposed to get a pass on conventional morality judging, or are they fair game based on noncompliance with each member's code of moral conduct? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Are you sure that the root of what you are feeling is in fact jealousy or is it just manifesting that way? If the time spent with this woman is of a different character than what you really want in a relationship, and that character appears to you to be present in her marriage - then I think those feelings would look a lot like jealousy. Is there anything that stands out about how she treats you in general? Is this truly a healthy relationship for you? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 I think your being jealous is the reaction most people would have to someone they love having sex with someone else - even if it is her husband. No matter how cool we want to be about something intellectually our emotions aren't always going to cooperate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 Aren't threads in this section supposed to get a pass on conventional morality judging, or are they fair game based on noncompliance with each member's code of moral conduct? I think they are beyond posting a merely pass/fail grade, but there is always the business of trying to navigate a non-conventional reality within any society's existing moral perception. It's great to walk around barefoot until you get hungry and come face to face with that sign on the door that reads: "Shoes and shirt required." Link to post Share on other sites
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