Unhappily married and met man overseas

[Over40]

Hi all

Please no judgement I feel bad enough as it is -

I have been wort my husband for 15 years married 9- we have 2 young children 6 and 4. When we met it was great in love etc but after a couple years it did fizzle for me slightly —it wasn’t bad just dull and we were different

Approaching 30 I married anyway - my self esteem wasn’t good and I found it hard to find a decent man. On paper my husband is amazing

Excellent father . Provider and nothing most women would hate not abusive or controlling . The last 5 at least years I have been unhappy or bored for the most part we are very different he isn’t very outgoing well I am very outgoing

And I love to travel , I always felt surely this isn’t normal but as it wasn’t bad o stick around so for the kids they adore him. We have a good life a beautiful home it’s just a boring passionless marriage which depresses me

I thought I could hang on till the kids were older . Well recently I went on a trip with a friend and I met another man who’s around 4 years younger than me never married . We instantly had some crazy chemistry I think him more than me but over a couple days of getting to know each other I found myself more and more attracted to each other - as I got to know him I began to like him

More and more just innocent flirting really - on the final day of the trip

We went out and after a few drinks kissed and I ended up back at his and we slept together multiple times. The next day I flew home

Well I thought I would go back to normal not so , o had so much guilt

And the guy o met who lives 30 hours away has been messaging me over a month now . It has gotten more and more

I decided I have to end my marriage so told my husband I can’t no more

He’s not happy as apparently I’m selfish and ruining the kids

After a night of passion I admit I’m craving more

So back to the other man , we have gotten more and more contact

Daily all via text except 1 video call I instigated

He’s a sweet heart really and I think we have both fallen for each other

Not sure where it can possibly go-

No where I’m thinking- I’m so confused. To be honest

For now me and the hubby are living in the same house

I really want to see this other guy again and I think he does too

But I think I’m a headcase right now

Would it be stupid to see him again in 6 months ??

[ExpatInItaly]

I would start preparing for life as a single mom, first and foremost. If you are serious about ending your marriage, you need to start getting those ducks in a row so you and your husband can separate with as little strain on the kids as possible. Visit a lawyer and find out what your options are. Do you work?

 

Next, understand that flings of this nature rarely ever turn into something long-lasting and sustainable. The logistics are completely against you here, with him so far away and you two only having had a one real night together. You are still in that hazy fog that sets in when you finally feel attractive, alive and wanted. It's clouding your vision. Yeah, perhaps you could see him in another 6 months, but then what? You have kids you can't uproot to move around the world, and the likelihood he would do the same for you is slim. What sort of future do you think is realistic?

 

So ask yourself these questions:

1) How will you feel if the messages from this man start to taper off in the coming weeks or months? Or if he just suddenly stops replying to you one day, never to hear from him again?

2) How will you feel if you learn he's dating or sleeping with other women?

3) How will you feel if you do see him again, and nothing comes of it other than some more sex?

 

I know you were unhappy in your marriage, but I would be very concerned that you are putting too many eggs in this affair-basket and are going to have some serious regrets when it eventually ends.

[aliveagain]

My question to you is what about your children? Unless O/M moves to the same country as you and your husband I doubt your husband will allow you to take his children 30 hours away from him. If you relocate to be near O/M you would probably be doing so without your 2 children. You need to talk to a lawyer before you do something that will harm your relationship with your children.

[BaileyB]

I know you were unhappy in your marriage, but I would be very concerned that you are putting too many eggs in this affair-basket and are going to have some serious regrets when it eventually ends.

 

This is really true. You are living the fantasy right now, but it’s more likely that reality is going to come crashing down on you at some point.

 

Would I be willing to see him again in six months, probably not. Six months is a long time away and basically, you’ve had a brief fling with a man you barely know on holiday. It’s not exactly the start of something for which you can be making life plans with this man...

 

You need to reel it back in... What is your life going to look like as a single mom? Where are you going to live? How are you going to pay the bills? Get your kids to soccer practice? There is probably not going to be much money left over for travel when you are paying your own rent... That’s the stuff you need to focus on right now, rather than fantasizing about this other man you slept with while on vacation...

 

If I may, you should also consider counselling for yourself. You have a life that most women would envy. And yet, you are about to throw it away to chase some fantasy life with a stranger you met on vacation... Women who are in a good place personally, tend not to do these kind of things. It seems to me that you could go off chasing rainbows only to realize, that the pot of gold was at home with your family all along. Be careful what you wish for... If you are going to end your marriage, be very sure that you are making the right decision. Don’t allow your decision making to be clouded by dreams of elicit sex with younger men on exciting vacations... Because, that’s not real life.

Edited August 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[snowcones]

Any bad decision that I have ever made in my life was made when I was bored or out of boredom. I have come to realize that boredom is the cause of so much damage and so many problems. It's stealth and silently insidious. No one even suspects it can be harmful. Now I can even tell when someone is engaging with me because they are bored. I find it to be dangerous and I always question it. You have to learn to identify when you are bored and accept that it's not so innocent and that you will do stupid things and make stupid decisions just to satisfy this feeling. The better thing to do is to recognize that you need to fulfill this in other, more healthy ways. Ways in which you don't end up harming yourself or others, or jeopardizing the good things in your life. Take up another hobby, start a business, make more healthy friends, volunteer, go sky diving, invent something....figure out SOMETHING else to do with this energy.

 

 

As for your husband and this affair. Stay with your husband if he wants to work it out (I am of the opinion that most husbands will still want to stay) and dump this other guy who won't amount to anything anyway, and most importantly, SHIFT your thinking so that you relieve your boredom in more healthy ways.

Edited August 3, 2019 by snowcones

[Turning point]

Well, I guess if your goal was to end your marriage then congratulations - you've succeeded. If I were your spouse and saw how you characterized me in yoru original post I'd divorce on that basis alone. It might take a while for the reality of what you truly think of me to sink in - but, I'd be done. That makes this affair nothing more than a side show, really.

 

I get that your bored and love to travel. Probably should have considered that before you had children. I take it the kids didn't go on this overseas holiday with you? How do they feel about that, in addition to it being the reason their parents are divided?

 

It's not my aim to be mean here, I'm simply pointing out the obvious. You've effectively dumped your husband (even if he's not yet reacted to it) for the sake of a one night stand with someone who's not even on the same continent.

 

I get that the fling has given you the confidence to end your marriage, but I think the person headed for a better life is going to be your ex-husband. Your post and future plans hold no accounting for your children - what's going to happen there?

 

PS: What are the chances that the new man is also married??

Edited August 3, 2019 by Turning point

[stillafool]

Would it be stupid to see him again in 6 months ??

 

Not at all, you should be well on your way to divorce by then. When are you planning on filing?

[BaileyB]

I get that your bored and love to travel. Probably should have considered that before you had children.

 

You've effectively dumped your husband (even if he's not yet reacted to it) for the sake of a one night stand with someone who's not even on the same continent.

 

I get that the fling has given you the confidence to end your marriage, but I think the person headed for a better life is going to be your ex-husband.

 

This is bang on. When you put it this way, the whole things seems more than a little foolish. You have ended your marriage and broken your family for a one night stand.

 

Maybe your marriage was meant to be, maybe it wasn’t. The only person who knows is you and you can’t make this decision right now because your head is in the clouds, dreaming about your other man. Thing is, once you let your husband go he will be free to find someone who loves him and wants to raise your children with him. And you, will be free to pursue your own options. Good luck to you.

[usa1ah]

Of course Go and see him. Pack a few bags and fly out there.

 

Your betrayed husband and kids will be great with out you.

[d0nnivain]

Would it be stupid to see him again in 6 months ??

 

if you have moved out of the house you share with your husband & started divorce proceedings, no it wouldn't be stupid but it may be foolish. How on earth is this going to work? It's not sustainable. Do divorce your husband but don't think you will effectively monkey branch to this guy in another country.