Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) For the intro, me and my boyfriend are in a long distance relationship. We've now been dating officialy for 7 months because in the beginning we were unsure is this worth of persuing since we currently live on the 2 different continents, but we've know each other for about 2.5 years and our relationship was friendly but we knew there might me something more there. However our connection is something we've both never experienced before and we've ultimatively decided we want each other in our lives and we hope this is.. well, forever. We agree on all the important factors like where will we live and start our lives together in 2 years, our views on relatonships, politics, marriage ect. We've spent some time together visiting each other every few months and met each other's families and friends. We can talk honestly about anything and we trust each other. So yeah, you can say we are serious . However..few days ago I stumbled upon a video on a popular porn site and my heart almost stopped. The guy in the video resembled my boyfriend quite a lot. You cannot see the face so I could never be 100% sure, but the body, motions, the same shirt my boyfriend has and most importantly voice resemble my boyfriend a lot, although it was just a brief one sentence. If I heard this voice only, in a separate situation I'd have no doubt that that's my boyfriend. After the initial shock, I convinced myself that I am imagining all of this and thought..what are the odds? There are 7.7 billion people on this planet and who knows how many homemade videos like these, so what are the odds that out all of them I found my boyfriend's? Also, I have no knowledge if he ever made one with someone. What bothers me is that we are very open about our sexual side and have an amazing chemistry and have no problem discussing anything regarding sex, so if this really is him, I am wondering why he never mentioned it, talking about sex is not a taboo for us. I am also not an irrational person or someone who will jump to conclusions, and not a jealous person who will act crazy and make crazy scenarios or assume every guy in porn is my boyfriend. Because of all of this, the fact that I am still under the impression and can't seem to let it go for a few days now, makes me wonder if I am really not imagining things and that that really is him. The video was uploaded about 3 years ago which was before we even met so cheating is not my worry here. Also, there is just one video there and it's definitely not professional or anything like that. So I am looking for an advice, what should I do? There are few possibilities: a) That's not really him and I can just look crazy if I bring it up b) That is him and he is not aware that that video is out there c) That is him and he knows that that video is out there (this would be the worst case scenario) d) I can stay silent and never get my answer Either way, I wonder what would be the best approach here (if I decide to bring it up). I would never aproach him agressively or accuse him. But if I should say something, should it be more on a serious note like: "listen babe, there's something that has been bugging me and I just want to ask you something." Or: "hey you know what, I watched a porn the other day and the guy in the video looks a lot like you haha", and then wait for his reaction. My honest opinion is that this might really be him but that he's clueless about video being out there and if this really is the case I think the only normal thing to do is to let him know. I'm just thinking that if my private video would be out there (not that I have any) I would like to know and take all the possible steps to take it down. Because I never did something like this, a part of me is disgusted by the fact that he might've done it and done it with a random girl because it obviously is not his ex girlfiend. He is usually very rational and smart man so this would be in a way disappointing. However that's a different topic now. If however, he is aware of the video being out there, is it normal and rational that I'd expect for him to let me know about it? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advance. Edited August 3, 2019 by Versha Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Normally I would say with confidence to let this go. As you noted, what's the odds that you would stumble across a porn video of your boyfriend? I would guess they are astronomical. But...….. I can read that you are unable to let this go. Even if you manage to remain silent you will let him know something is on your mind through actions, looks, snarky comments, etc. He doesn't know it but the elephant is in the room and you will end up putting your relationship is serious danger. So...… Ask him about it. You can be direct since you have no problem with sexual matters or you can try and be discreet by feigning surprise and humor about the porn video you discovered that you thought looked like him. Either approach should work depending on the personality of the person you talking with. I wish you could let it go. It was before he met you. Long distance relationships tend to leave the participants with a lot of idle time on their hands and in their minds. It would be better for you to put that effort into figuring out how you can be together. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Any other clues on the video that may make you more certain. If it is a home video - decor, pictures, lighting, colours...etc. Who uploaded the video. The user name may give you a clue. If not, do a google search on that name and that may point you in other directions that may include/exclude your bf. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Any other clues on the video that may make you more certain. If it is a home video - decor, pictures, lighting, colours...etc. Who uploaded the video. The user name may give you a clue. If not, do a google search on that name and that may point you in other directions that may include/exclude your bf. Well honestly it's hard to get any more clues. I remembered now that a mutual friend's girlfriend shared with me that around that time the boys did visit, let's say.. a sexual worker of a kind and that my bf declined and basically escaped once they got there but have no more info or details about that, could as well be that on the another occassion he was a bit more brave -.- but that I cannot know. I learned this 3 years ago (before we even met) and honestly COMPLETELY forgot about it untill now. I didn't think too much into it and I do know it was just a stupid boyish decision and not something that happened regularly. I mean everyone makes questionable decisions sometimes so I'd never judge him for it although I'm not happy about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Why don't you just wait until you are in his company again then upload the video and say something like: "OMG look at this dude, he looks just like you" and then wait to see is face and his reaction which, of course, will tell you everything you need to know if it is him. That is, if you actually NEED to know if its him. If you don't NEED to know, then just ignore it and assume to yourself that its not him. Would it cause you to break up with him if it is him? That (IMO) is the only reason you need to know or if you think he needs to know its his arse floating around on the WWW. If his face isn't showing then it can never really be proven it's him. Does he have any tattoos or birth marks that can identify him for sure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) Why don't you just wait until you are in his company again then upload the video and say something like: "OMG look at this dude, he looks just like you" and then wait to see is face and his reaction which, of course, will tell you everything you need to know if it is him. That is, if you actually NEED to know if its him. If you don't NEED to know, then just ignore it and assume to yourself that its not him. Would it cause you to break up with him if it is him? That (IMO) is the only reason you need to know or if you think he needs to know its his arse floating around on the WWW. If his face isn't showing then it can never really be proven it's him. Does he have any tattoos or birth marks that can identify him for sure? Well we won't see each other for a few months. No, seeing birthmarks in that lightning is almost impossible but other visible parts of his body do look exactly like his, but as I said, the voice is what really got me thinking. And no, I wouldn't break up with him. It's not like he has done anything directly to me. So I'm mainly worried at the moment that he doesn't know it's out there and I feel like he should if it really is him and the video was uploaded without his consent. (Which would be possible if the lady in question did it). But I'm curious as well, not gonna lie, and also, I might discover a different side of him or our relationship afterwards. Edited August 3, 2019 by Versha Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Does he know you know about the boys' visit to the sex worker? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Does he know you know about the boys' visit to the sex worker? No, I don't think so. I certainly never mentioned it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Versha, This must have been a real shock to you. You need to call him out on this. The tip-off about him visiting sex workers would have had my suspicions raised a long time ago. However, the first thing you need to do now is get tested for STDs, you must not put your health at risk. And ask him to get tested as well. If he refuses, well you have your answer.... Good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 I appreciate your worry but before we slept together for the first time I did ask him to get tested and so did I. And also recently I got tested as I do annualy and no STD's were found and thankfully I'm completely healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 I'd say just ask and be pretty casual about it. The whole "hey, I saw this guy in a porno who looked a LOT like you, it was weird". Gives him plenty of room to respond in different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 What is wrong with just telling your bf you were trolling for porn and came across his homemade Amateur Video? Just ask him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 What is wrong with just telling your bf you were trolling for porn and came across his homemade Amateur Video? Just ask him. My main struggle here is that I am not 100% sure it's him. If I could see his face no problem. But I am uncertain,more correctly not 100% certain so that is what confuses me. And if I bring it up and it turnes out it's not him, then what, I'll look completely crazy and he has every right to get offended because I assumed something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 My main struggle here is that I am not 100% sure it's him.If I could see his face no problem. but this is your b/f right and you'll have seen - ahem,, - other parts of his anatomy? So how come you can't be sure? But I am uncertain,more correctly not 100% certain so that is what confuses me. And if I bring it up and it turnes out it's not him, then what, I'll look completely crazy and he has every right to get offended because I assumed something like that. Why should he be offended when the evidence is stacking up and you have every reason to be suspicious? You've already been tipped off by someone that he's visited a sex worker, so it isn't exactly looking good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Does BF know you like cruising internet porn sites? If not, be prepared for some, er, blowback. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Does BF know you like cruising internet porn sites? If not, be prepared for some, er, blowback. Oh, no worries there, he KNOWS 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) but this is your b/f right and you'll have seen - ahem,, - other parts of his anatomy? So how come you can't be sure? Why should he be offended when the evidence is stacking up and you have every reason to be suspicious? You've already been tipped off by someone that he's visited a sex worker, so it isn't exactly looking good for him. Well I have seen all of him..but the most distinctive part of a human body is the face. My impression was strong from the moment I saw the video. Video is short and the not so bright or close up to see the details. The torso, the hands, the shirt, the voice, however, look/sound just like him. And, may I add, my gut feeling is strongly telling me that it is him. I don't usually have such a strong gut feelings about things, but when I do, they are never wrong. Still, since I always like to be as rational as possible in every situation, just concluding this based on what I stated before, is hard for me. Edited August 3, 2019 by Versha Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Oh, no worries there, he KNOWS Well in that case, is it a deal breaker for you? If not, then go ahead and tell him - but be forewarned, if it has been out there for 3 years, there will be no way to get rid of it. The only thing that will happen is that it will no longer be an ANONYMOUS porn video. Everyone will know it is him, and that will probably come back to haunt him in the future... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Versha Posted August 3, 2019 Author Share Posted August 3, 2019 Well in that case, is it a deal breaker for you? If not, then go ahead and tell him - but be forewarned, if it has been out there for 3 years, there will be no way to get rid of it. The only thing that will happen is that it will no longer be an ANONYMOUS porn video. Everyone will know it is him, and that will probably come back to haunt him in the future... It would not be a deal breaker unless something else shocking about him comes to the surface. But sorry, what do you mean by "everyone will know it is him"? How would that happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 It would not be a deal breaker unless something else shocking about him comes to the surface. So how shocking does it have to get before it becomes a deal-breaker? But sorry, what do you mean by "everyone will know it is him"? How would that happen? bcause if you could recognise him, then chances are that someone else will. This is one thing porn performers never bargain for, that someone outside the industry will recognise them, such as their next-door-neighbour . Then they get all bent out of shape when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) My honest opinion is that this might really be him but that he's clueless about video being out there and if this really is the case I think the only normal thing to do is to let him know. I'm just thinking that if my private video would be out there (not that I have any) I would like to know. Well, that’s certainly an optimistic thought. What do you think the chances are that he made a porn video and it “accidentally” got onto a porn site? Seriously, what do you think the chances are that a porn video that you are not aware of could “accidentally” turn up on a porn site? The two of you have some talking to do... Keep us posted. Edited August 3, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 My main struggle here is that I am not 100% sure it's him. If I could see his face no problem. But I am uncertain,more correctly not 100% certain so that is what confuses me. And if I bring it up and it turnes out it's not him, then what, I'll look completely crazy and he has every right to get offended because I assumed something like that. You could show him the video and say "honey, this guy looks like you, LOOK!!!" and then watch his reaction. You wouldn't be accusing him of anything you would just be showing him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 My main struggle here is that I am not 100% sure it's him. If I could see his face no problem. But I am uncertain,more correctly not 100% certain so that is what confuses me. And if I bring it up and it turnes out it's not him, then what, I'll look completely crazy and he has every right to get offended because I assumed something like that. Then like I said earlier... Show him the video and then say something like "OMG look at this dude he looks just like you." and then wait for his response. If him being in such a video isn't a deal breaker for you then just outright ask him if it is or just show him and gauge his reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 It would not be a deal breaker unless something else shocking about him comes to the surface. You're asking the wrong question. It isn't "is this you in an uploaded homemade video"? It should be "do you upload videos of yourself and your partners to these sites"? Were I you, that's what I'd want to know... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Burning Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Would you like to know how many people I've encountered who think they know me or met me over the years? I've been told I went to X high school. How who knows when I was thousands of miles away. I've been told I am related to Y & C people. That's nice. I wouldn't know Y & C from the figurative adam or eve. I've been told I am the ex-wife of F. I wouldn't know F if he tripped & landed in my lap. I've been asked wasn't I in H town at such and such a date. I had no idea where H town was or why I would even bother going there. I've been told I owned a business. I did own a business but I wouldn't work in the field in question if the salary was $1,000,000+ annually. I've been asked, by people who are too friendly as strangers, why did I curl and dye my hair. Not in this lifetime as my hair is 100% natural. I've had at least three people run across busy roads shouting at me or calling after me because they thought I was someone else. And other such events. Just because you think it's your boyfriend doesn't mean it is. We all have a 'doppelganger'. The simplest thing to do if your boyfriend indeed has no problem with you watching porn is, as others suggested, pull up the video while he is there. Link to post Share on other sites
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