Feeling like there is no point.

[beautifulearth83]

Some things happened recently that really triggered me into depression and despair. On the surface, it probably doesn’t seem like much. Nobody died, I wasn’t diagnosed with cancer. I actually have a lot to be grateful for, but I still just feel hopeless.

 

I’m 36/M and when my life hit a rough spot, I moved back home with my parents. I have since gotten sober (6 years) and started my own business. I’m not making a crapload of money, but I get by. I eventually would like to move out and be my own man.

 

I was talking to a friend recently and he told me some things my ex said to him. She said “he’s immature, he lives with his parents and has no direction in life”. At first, I was able to sort of brush it off, because that means she just doesn’t understand my life path, and hurt people hurt people.

 

So the next day I went to the beach and enjoyed the day. I sat next to a girl and she started talking to me. We hit it off pretty well. Later that night we met and got intimate. She wanted to go home with me, and instead of just owning my situation, I got really insecure and told her how I live with my parents and we can’t go there, etc.

 

I just ended up driving her home and tried to follow up the following week. She didn’t really seem interested in meeting up again. Probably because I had become so serious about everything, when really we should have just been having a good time, like the majority of the day we met.

 

I really liked this girl, and I feel like I screwed it up. I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I have some faith that things will get better, but it really hurts.

 

I rejected myself in front of this girl, and then tried to compensate for it by coming on a bit strong, and all because of existing insecurities and possibly the salt that was thrown in the wound by my ex.

 

And it just makes me feel like garbage, like I missed a good opportunity and I’m a loser. On the other hand I think that this experience is full of lessons that can help me in the future, but I just feel so discouraged and have trouble finding the motivation. I don’t like myself right now. And sometimes I’m just not sure I’m going to make it in this life.

 

I take anti-depressants and no longer see my therapist, though I may do so when I have the cash.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Ronni_W]

Hi beautifulearth83.

 

First, congrats on your 6 years of sobriety, and starting your own business that at least allows you to 'get by'. On the surface it probably doesn't seem like much to you,

but these are, nevertheless, personal achievements that you've earned and for which you can take credit.

 

It also may seem that you need something more or different to 'be your own man'...but that is not actually true. Those types of beliefs and thoughts, and the feelings that they engender,

are only coming from negative external programming and messages.

 

The only thing that your ex said about you that is true is that you live with your parents. If you look-up the stats, you will find that this is not unique or special in these economic times;

your ex is ignorant of the actual facts of this...it's a statement of her ignorance about this, and not a negative on you.

, and instead of just owning my situation, I got really insecure and told her how I live with my parents and we can’t go there, etc.

Actually and in fact, you DID own your situation! You told the truth of it. The downside of how you owned your situation is that you negatively judged it...and yourself in the process...

...and that is what caused you to get down and stop having fun and a good time.

 

Possibly you did screw it up with this particular woman. I would call her again and invite her out again, without mentioning anything negative about the past.

If she is still disinterested, then just leave it.

 

The 'lesson learned' for the future is to acknowledge your accomplishments and to not judge yourself harshly based on material circumstances and acquisitions,

and to not put too much, if any at all, stock in any people (men, women or romantic partners) who cannot see your positive qualities, values and principles because they are too selfish

and concerned with trying to see what stuff and/or status you can give to them or help them to get.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Foxhall]

this living with parents thing, yes it can be a no go for some women,

 

and it is certainly a drawback in terms of hooking up with women who are looking for the casual fling and so on!

 

and then if you find someone you really click with though, this issue can be overcome, if you get to the point with this lady where you can speak openly about alcohol problems and that you have worked hard to get back on track, then she will understand and not judge you so much on living with your parents.

 

I would suggest if you continue to say this to ladies, put a more positive spin on it, that one of your parents has leg or hip trouble, needs help around the house at the moment and that you have moved home temporarily to help out,

this puts a whole different angle on it.

 

focus on continuing to develop yourself, growing your business and perhaps moving out in a year or two.

relax though and take it at your own pace.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would suggest if you continue to say this to ladies, put a more positive spin on it, that one of your parents has leg or hip trouble, needs help around the house at the moment and that you have moved home temporarily to help out,

this puts a whole different angle on it.

 

Not sure I’d start any relationship off by telling lies, big or little. They can come back to haunt you.

 

A certain segment of the population won’t take you seriously if you’re 36 and living at home. If that includes women you’re interested in, put your energy into changing those circumstances. You may want a second job until your business takes off.

 

Congratulations on your sobriety. Staying on that path your first priority...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beautifulearth83]

The 'lesson learned' for the future is to acknowledge your accomplishments and to not judge yourself harshly based on material circumstances and acquisitions,

and to not put too much, if any at all, stock in any people (men, women or romantic partners) who cannot see your positive qualities, values and principles because they are too selfish

and concerned with trying to see what stuff and/or status you can give to them or help them to get.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

Just wanted to say thanks for your response. It’s been really helpful. Some of these other responses are weird lol. Thing is that I don’t really mind what anybody thinks. I’m pretty happy with my situation right now. I’m more saddened that more people don’t understand that a happy life isn’t so black and white. I’m not going to just go and get my own place because I want to take girls home. I should be doing that sort of thing because it is right for my growth and my own happiness or otherwise.

 

I honestly don’t think I have that much of an interest in a relationship right now. I met this girl sort of randomly and went with it until it saw its end. I really need to work on myself and being comfortable in my own skin and work in my own personal successes. I have been keeping to myself for the most post and when I felt like I opened myself up to this stranger and put them on a pedestal, I felt like I gave away a part of myself, and it put me into despair.

 

So maybe it will just take time, but this experience was really a blow to my self-esteem, and maybe I did that to myself.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Ronni_W]

beautifulearth83,

 

People are always going to 'critique' (judge) you and your outer circumstance based only on their values and what they think is meaningful and important.

Your job in life is to critique yourself based ONLY on your own values and what YOU think is meaningful and important.

 

I hear you saying that you don't really mind what anybody [else] thinks...but your reaction to that woman's reaction would suggest that you still do mind about it. Which, of course,

at this point in your own journey, is perfectly fine and acceptable. I get that you're working on it.

So, when you really, honestly, deeply look at it, then you will be able to convey to future romantic prospects - and ALL other people - that all of your current situation and circumstances

are just externals that have nothing to do with who you are and what you aspire to be.

 

Put another way, you would be serving yourself well to find your own words to express, to women and to others, that your own personal growth and happiness are more important to you,

than using status symbols or 'symbols of wealth and/or success' to put up a façade.

 

I’m more saddened that more people don’t understand [...]

 

This actually is just critiquing (judging) them, for their lack of understanding. And, you don't want to do that, either. .

Instead of feeling 'sad' (pity) for them, or allowing them to make you feel 'saddened' (pity for) yourself...just keep focusing on what you value and what you need to think,

feel and do to uphold that; and work to think, feel and do all of it...and, after you're done doing that <lol>....then send good thoughts and vibes to the rest of the human race, that they will,

hopefully and sooner than later, arrive at some noticeable level of understanding and compassion.

 

[...] and put them on a pedestal, I felt like I gave away a part of myself,

Yep...you cannot see yourself as being inferior to someone else, and then also still feel equal and worthy of all the stuff that you've decided they are worthy of. It just cannot be done.

 

It's not that you are 'giving away a part of yourself'...it's more that you have decided and chosen (consciously or subconsciously)

to see and treat that other person as a 'higher human Being' than you are; in other words..as a lesser deity or minor god (over you)...who has a higher value in life, than you do.

 

Now...when I say that, it sound ridiculous, I know. But it is exactly the process that we go through, and put ourselves through, when we put another person on a pedestal.

So...stop doing that to yourself!!!

 

Right? .

[beautifulearth83]

@Ronni_W.....

 

I do believe you’ve hit the nail on the head in many ways. I’m going to let it soak in and then try to bring it into my experience.

 

Thank you.

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mortensorchid]

Congratulations on being sober 6 years, firstly. Second, don't be ashamed that you had to move back home to get back on your feet financially and to establish your own business.

 

With that being said, being proud of who you are is a difficult task to actually do. I wish there was one solution to tell you what you should or should not be doing in order to be as such, but there isn't. With your situation with this woman ... Well it doesn't sound like it was meant to be to begin with. Just accept it and move on.

[Watercolors]

I'll add my middle-aged experience to the mix of responses here. I am middle-aged and had to quit my job to move in with my mom to take care of her, after she had a stroke, which brought on or exacerbated her existing dementia to the point she could no longer care for herself.

 

I"ll admit at first I as embarrassed to tell people who knew me already, that I was living with my elderly parent, although it was for a good reason. Still, I felt like, people will judge me as a total loser if they know i live at home. I even told new people that I met, that i lived with my elderly mother. My social life had come to a screeching halt (I certainly wasn't presented with any opportunities like you were OP, to have sex), but the few times i ventured out to meet up with people and meet new people, if the subject came up, "Where do you live?" I learned to just tell the truth.

 

And yes, some people were quite mean and snarky to me when they found out I lived in a 55+bldg and took care of my mom. And, some were more compassionate and actually said what I was doing was a great sacrifice, b/c I had to quit working a full-time job to take care of mom 24/7 until I found a memory care home for her.

 

All I'm saying is, WHO CARES what people think when conversational context requires you to mention that you live with your parents. You're an adult, assuming they are too. If they give you a hard time about it, well, that's really their hang up. It's about THEM, not YOU. Stop being embarrassed by your life path having veered you to live at home for the time being. It happens to everyone at some point. Parents age. They either require a nursing home, or living with their adult children or relatives if that's not possible.

 

View living at home as a functional necessity. It allowed you to focus on achieving your sobriety AND it allows you to work on building your own business without the financial stressor of paying rent etc.,. at the time time. You have the luxury -- yes, luxury -- of rebuilding yourself under the comfort of your parents' home, which a lot of people don't have in your situation.

 

Do not let other people's judgments define how you feel about yourself. Easier said than done, let's face it. I try to tell myself that every day. But I think it's important not to let other people's subjective responses to our situation define how we view ourselves, or feel about ourselves. I'm still rebuilding myself, after I got mom into memory care. I'm temping, living with a roommate, looking for a full-time job, and I'm smart, a good person and I don't give a rat's #@! if men or women my age who are in their careers with a home mortgage view me as a "loser" because internally, I'm NOT and know this to be a fact.

 

We all have our own path to walk. The challenge is, walking it proudly while others try to derail you with their ignorance and cruelty.