Dumpers are not always the bad guy/girl.....

[basil67]

To be honest i have been trying to fix it. I even pleaded. I even ask for an option that he can drink everyday but if he is with me, maybe he can forget it just for a day. It came to the point that we are fighting on the street and crying and he was disrespecting me in front of grace, in a restaurant or home. I am also a nurse and i explained to him how bad drinking is for him. Every night he'd do that.

 

Ok, so he didn't change and you've ended it with good reason.

 

I was mean to the girl (only to myself) because she once ruined us to the point that my ex blocked him. Now he is with her. I just have a feeling of being played.

 

Thanks for the explanation about the ex. But she didn't ruin his life - it was his choice to cheat on you with her early on. Either way though, she's not part of the equation now because he's a free agent. As for him playing you: he can't be playing you because you dumped him. He should no longer have significance to you. If you don't want to stay in contact as friends, then tell him so. You're giving away all of your power here.

Edited August 4, 2019 by basil67

[bea1984]

She was an easy choice for him to turn to after the break-up, then.

 

However, if his drinking and ability to stay faithful were issues, I'd gladly let her have him. You broke up for valid reasons. I think had her not gone running back to her it wouldn't sting so much now.

 

It doesn't sound like you're missing much, even if your ego is trying to convince you otherwise right now.

 

 

Just like what i was telling. The girl is desperate. And she knows that she is a rebound.

My remaining respect to the guy dropped actually. Thinking that, my reason to leave was right. Although it hurts. Had he chose a girl better than that girl then i would probably can accept the past. Now i am playing too much movies on my mind of what was really happening.

 

Yes that was quick and easy. 2 weeks after we broke up, they are already friends in fb again. And my gut intuition just explained it. I didn't unfriend him. I think that is more immature. Although i don't see him/them. The girl probably thought i can see them. But no. I'm not even blinking. I don't post any on my fb too.

[bea1984]

Ok, so he didn't change and you've ended it with good reason.

 

 

 

Thanks for the explanation about the ex. But she didn't ruin his life - it was his choice to cheat on you with her early on. Either way though, she's not part of the equation now because he's a free agent. As for him playing you: he can't be playing you because you dumped him. He should no longer have significance to you. If you don't want to stay in contact as friends, then tell him so. You're giving away all of your power here.

 

 

I meant that time. She ruined his life by revealing to me that she was a weekend fling and posted everything and tagged the guy to tjeir pictures feeling that she is the girlfriend.

Anyway i know i did the right thing. I was vulnerable that time because of my mom's passing and maybe. Blinded by all these. I cant let go of the guy that time even thougj i knew that he is not right for me. I should have

[basil67]

JThe girl is desperate. And she knows that she is a rebound.

 

But you begged and pleaded with a cheating alcoholic. Honestly, the two of you sound on par with each other in terms of low self esteem. Take a look at your own choices before judging her.

 

I think you can do better than this.

[bea1984]

But you begged and pleaded with a cheating alcoholic. Honestly, the two of you sound on par with each other in terms of low self esteem. Take a look at your own choices before judging her.

 

I think you can do better than this.

 

Although it hurts but yes you are right. I had that low self esteem then because i was grieving and i felt that he was given to me to move on. ( what a silly thinking). I pleaded about the drinking yeah just to see if he really cares. And now i am starting to realize how much i disrespected myself.

[basil67]

But his drinking didn't reflect about how much he cares for you. It's alcoholism and he will only fix it when he reaches rock bottom. It was never about you.

 

As part of your recovery process, I suggest you go to AlAnon to learn more about loving an alcoholic.

[bea1984]

But his drinking didn't reflect about how much he cares for you. It's alcoholism and he will only fix it when he reaches rock bottom. It was never about you.

 

As part of your recovery process, I suggest you go to AlAnon to learn more about loving an alcoholic.

 

 

I wanna think that way too.. And i wanted him to change not just for me but for us. Over all i looked at him as not able to have a family anymore. And im too young for this.

 

I wanted to be on that group too but what for. He is already with a different girl. If ever they will fail, i dont think i can wait for him.

 

I know he will not change just yet

[ExpatInItaly]

Just like what i was telling. The girl is desperate. And she knows that she is a rebound.

 

Well, you took him back after he cheated and stuck around despite his obvious alcoholic tendencies.

 

What was that old saying about not throwing stones from glass houses?

 

You are too focused on her. I doubt she cares she is a rebound, or that you think she's desperate. She's just out there having fun now and probably not thinking about sticking it to you as much you believe she is.

 

Turn your focus back toward you, and learning why you stayed in what sounds like a largely unhealthy relationship. That is what will truly move you forward and help you let go of this.

[basil67]

I wanna think that way too.. And i wanted him to change not just for me but for us. Over all i looked at him as not able to have a family anymore. And im too young for this.

 

I wanted to be on that group too but what for. He is already with a different girl. If ever they will fail, i dont think i can wait for him.

 

Going to the group would help with closure. It will help you understand why he wouldn't change either for you or for the relationship.

 

He may never change.

[bea1984]

Well, you took him back after he cheated and stuck around despite his obvious alcoholic tendencies.

 

Turn your focus back toward you, and learning why you stayed in what sounds like a largely unhealthy relationship. That is what will truly move you forward and help you let go of this.

 

I know that i have fault on this. I was so in love with him then without seeing all the flaws that may happen in the future

[bea1984]

Going to the group would help with closure. It will help you understand why he wouldn't change either for you or for the relationship.

 

He may never change.

 

Thank you.. I may consider that. I have been reading about that. I was trying to understand his case but it just kept on breaking me. I hope it will really help me.

[basil67]

I know that i have fault on this. I was so in love with him then without seeing all the flaws that may happen in the future

 

To be fair, you did see all the flaws. This is why you begged, cried and pleaded for change. What you did wrong was think he would change.

 

Even if you don't to AlAnon, do more reading about loving an addict.

[Beachead]

@bea1984

 

Oh wow, thank you for this. I felt so much relieved. Everything you have said feels like you were in my situation. A lot of what you said was an awakening / validation. *forced dumper *me functioning as a dumpee *him dating right away.

 

No problem. I'm speaking from experience. That's probably why it hits home.

 

I didn't delete him in fb but unfollowed him because i dont want to see all his romantic sitcom. But i know he is watching me and i wanna show him what he lost (i'm like a typical dumpee).

 

That's because social media is the last connection you have to him. If you cut him off, that's it. That means you are forced to look ahead, into the future, that's riddled with uncertainty. I bet you're afraid of what that future holds. A lot of people tend to be, including myself, which is why many prefer to keep their eyes on the rearview mirror. In this way, we all distract ourselves in abusive situations or by holding onto something that's done and out of our control; irrational behaviour that stems from fear of the future and lack of faith in oneself. You've got to shut your fears down, and have some faith in yourself that you're going to be alright.

 

But, if you keep doing what you're doing, then all your hard work, your actions, your choices, your decisions will all be centralized around eliciting a reaction from him. You end up holding yourself hostage to the past, expecting a result from a person you don't even see a future with. Then, you won't be making optimal decisions for your life which will help you reach your best self. Your choices will be skewed in the wrong direction. Then you won't see all the good coming your way because your eyes are focused on your rearview mirror. You lose at the end of the day.

 

But to be honest i dont see a future with him.

 

That's really all that matters. If you don't see a future with him, it makes all these social media games and stress/anxiety you're feeling pointless. Granted, it's okay to feel this way. Your breakup is fresh and you'll be irrational for awhile until you gain clarity and strength again. But having said that, it should be in the back of your mind that if you're going to suffer over someone, then suffer over a person you see yourself being with for the longterm, who's worth it. Don't suffer over someone who you were forced to breakup with because they wouldn't compromise their toxic habits. He won't change for you. He'll change when he wants to and you don't have control over if or when that happens so cannot bank your life on it. Remind yourself of this and use it as a reason to block and delete him off of social media.

 

- Beach

Edited August 5, 2019 by Beachead

[Foxhall]

there could be the situation where a person starts dating two or three people at roughly the same time,

 

or if a former flame returns and do they stay with present love or is the draw of the returner too great,

 

they have to make a decision then at some point and commit to one, which leads to the hard call and letting a person down gently.

[bea1984]

To be fair, you did see all the flaws. This is why you begged, cried and pleaded for change. What you did wrong was think he would change.

.

 

 

Well i was so in love and blinded. I cannot think straight that time. But day by day I am seeing clarity and trying to forgive myself

[bea1984]

 

That's really all that matters. If you don't see a future with him, it makes all these social media games and stress/anxiety you're feeling pointless. Granted, it's okay to feel this way. Your breakup is fresh and you'll be irrational for awhile until you gain clarity and strength again. But having said that, it should be in the back of your mind that if you're going to suffer over someone, then suffer over a person you see yourself being with for the longterm, who's worth it. Don't suffer over someone who you were forced to breakup with because they wouldn't compromise their toxic habits. He won't change for you. He'll change when he wants to and you don't have control over if or when that happens so cannot bank your life on it. Remind yourself of this and use it as a reason to block and delete him off of social media.

 

- Beach

 

 

Thank you for all the words. Everything that you have said are right and i am speechless how to answer. Just because it's d#mn right. I just can't let go because of the bonding maybe but I know as time goes by, I will see clarity. I know he will not change. I accepted that. I hold on to accept him but it contunued to break me. And one day I finally exploded. I can't believe how stupid and blind I was.

Thank you again for these word. That's exactly what my situation is

[bea1984]

they have to make a decision then at some point and commit to one, which leads to the hard call and letting a person down gently.

 

 

This one I'm sure happened. He works in different countries and I'm sure, now that I'm not blind anymore, he had a couple of flings. And who ever can tolerate the set up can stay. Unfortunately I can't anymore.

[Commongoal123]

You can't change people. The only person you have control over is you.

 

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life.

 

-Common

 

I wanna think that way too.. And i wanted him to change not just for me but for us. Over all i looked at him as not able to have a family anymore. And im too young for this.

 

I wanted to be on that group too but what for. He is already with a different girl. If ever they will fail, i dont think i can wait for him.

 

I know he will not change just yet

[Beachead]

@bea1984

 

No, you're not stupid.

 

What are red flags in hindsight were just passed over as a bad day or rough period of time for them because loved him. When we love people, we forgive, we understand their side, we show patience, kindness and compassion. You can't fault yourself for that. To love in a world like this is one of the bravest things one can do.

 

Unfortunately when romantic feelings are attached to that love and it happens to be given to the wrong person, that person can destroy you. But you had the sense to realize what you didn't want from a partner and you left. You respected yourself. Not many people are able to do that.

 

Regarding your mistakes..making mistakes is a sign that you're living and that you're human. Without failure, how we get better right? All you can ask of yourself is to try and learn from them and apply that wisdom to your future. If it wasn't for my billion failures, I wouldn't be me today.

 

My advice to you is to cut him off and focus your eyes ahead towards the horizon and start walking towards it. You'll be fine.

 

Glad to be of service. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

Edited August 6, 2019 by Beachead

[bea1984]

You can't change people. The only person you have control over is you.

 

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life.

 

-Common

 

 

I know I can't and that's why I left even though I am not emotionally ready. But I also know that I am hurting more than happy when I was with him

[bea1984]

@bea1984

 

No, you're not stupid.

 

What are red flags in hindsight were just passed over as a bad day or rough period of time for them because loved him. When we love people, we forgive, we understand their side, we show patience, kindness and compassion. You can't fault yourself for that. To love in a world like this is one of the bravest things one can do.

 

Unfortunately when romantic feelings are attached to that love and it happens to be given to the wrong person, that person can destroy you. But you had the sense to realize what you didn't want from a partner and you left. You respected yourself. Not many people are able to do that.

 

 

- Beach

 

Thanks again.what a deep point of view. Whatever you said were all comforting and gives me more realization of what have happened and just took it as a lesson.. I can say that you learned so much in life.

 

I was not ready when I left but I can only lose so much dignity before I can finally lose self respect. I am hurting feeling empty. What I just gave myself is a thought of where will my life be in 10 years. Or even just the next 1 or 2 years. But yes I am learning. And your words are helping me forgive myself.

 

Thanks again.!

[Beachead]

@bea1984

 

I can say that you learned so much in life.

 

Oh yes, the ups and downs of life will teach us a lot of things. I have learned a lot but I'm still learning everyday.

 

Use your thread or the No Contact/Coping threads on here to post whenever you feel weak or need some advice. If I catch your posts, I'll try to offer some help.

 

Stay strong!

 

- Beach

[bea1984]

@bea1984

 

 

 

Oh yes, the ups and downs of life will teach us a lot of things. I have learned a lot but I'm still learning everyday.

 

Use your thread or the No Contact/Coping threads on here to post whenever you feel weak or need some advice. If I catch your posts, I'll try to offer some help.

 

Stay strong!

 

- Beach

 

Thank you. Your words are uplifting. I will.. And I hope you'll catch my post just in case..

 

I am learning. And will try to be strong