I regret hiding my feelings but I may have a chance! Ideas?

[arrasoh]

I am in so much pain and full of regret. Any help would be great.

 

I quietly had a crush on a guy for many years. This February, he asked me out. I was over the moon! I have low self esteem and I couldn’t even believe it, since in my mind he is 100x more attractive than me, soo kind and humble, rich, cool, I know plenty of girls that want to date him - basically I could not believe someone like him would ever like a poor, weird girl like me. I would lose sleep each night because I was so excited about everything. I am 25 but never slept with anyone or even had a boyfriend because I have been so nervous my whole life, but with him, I was too head over heels. I slept with him, I dreamed of him.

 

However, I stupidly played the “cool girl” role to impress him, so I never told him about my deep feelings for him. We would always sleep together and yeah he’d introduce me to his roommates and friends, hold my hand and all that, but we never spoke about being exclusive. He was about to travel for the summer, so I didn’t think there was a point to get serious right before he leaves, especially when we had only hung out 8 times. I’m sure he thought the same thing. He did invite me to travel with him, but I have my studies here.

 

Anyway, I always pretended to be cool and made jokes about how I might get a boyfriend in the summer (my pathetic way of making him think about being exclusive at some point), but well we began equally joking about those things. Because of that, he didn’t take me seriously I’m sure. I know he liked me, but probably didn’t think I liked him as much, even though I secretly loved him. When he left to travel, we would video chat and often text for the first 2 months, but I still played “cool”. At one point he asked me if I was F-ing with other guys and I joked “who knows? good guess!” and he looked a bit shocked and UGH I regret it all so much. I was too nervous to confess my strong feelings for him and wanting to be more, but was so anxious and scared of rejection that I used the “cool card” as a shield and ended up losing his attention. I would even purposely not look at his instagram story and he would mention how I don’t pay attention to him. I didn’t really change my behaviour, I wanted him to chase me. I just believe I did it all in the worst way. Again, I had zero experience before this guy so yes I now realize all of my stupid actions.

 

With all this being said, there would be many times he wouldn’t text me for days, or he would set up a video chat time but not go through with it. Things like that. He would make up for it later, but still. He tried to play “hard to get” with me too, but wasn’t ever cruel with his jokes etc like I was. He never took his behaviour too far. I just tried to be cool and never admitted my feelings. All of these issues existed because we never had a serious conversation about our feelings. There has always been a ton of tension between us and we have both been too stubborn to face it.

 

Well, I saw his WhatsApp today, and he had a photo up with his arm across some girl’s thigh in a sexy way. Basically, he is screwing some random girl. It broke my heart, but I know this is all mostly my fault, because I never confessed anything to him. After all, I am the one who has liked him for years (which he doesn’t even know about!) He, on the other hand, has always had a girlfriend, always was sought after and was mostly acting like any other normal person interested in someone. But me - I always played the “whatever, I am so cool with anything, who cares” role and now it stabbed me in the back.

 

We haven’t spoken in a couple weeks (nothing happened, he is just busy with this other girl I am assuming), but I know when he’s back in a month, he will reach out to me to sleep with me, because unfortunately with my ridiculous “I’m soo chill and cool, I don’t care about anything, go ahead and bang anyone!” attitude, that is what I turned this all into, instead of just being honest with him.

 

So, when he is back, what should I say? I deeply regret my attitude from before, but I know I have a chance to open up when we speak in the near future. Now, if that girl was not a hook up and is indeed his new girlfriend, then I will take the loss and learn from this. But most likely, it is a girl he’s casually seeing for the summer until he is back. So, I most likely do have a real chance to be honest. Any advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know if he will be interested in trying to meet up with you when he's back. It seems he's tried to get to know you but got tired of feeling like you don't care; when that happens, people's feelings can change to the point that there's no room for a do-over. They will pursue other options who express mutual interest and desire.

 

All you can do is talk to him when he's back and tell him what you told us here. Not all the details, of course, but a synopsis of why you've been so aloof and stand-offish. Keep in mind it might not change anything, though. He might feel it's too late or too difficult to try to date you again if you're so afraid that you put up walls like this.

 

In any event, I would work on your self-esteem. This is the crux of the problem, and it will create similar issues in the future if you don't address it now.

[elaine567]

Trouble is people rarely forget and whilst you may want to wipe the slate clean, he remembers all the times you hurt him with your "I couldn't care less" attitude and your jibes.

 

Second chances are thus rare, it is better to get it right the first time.

 

My guess, he has relegated you to the FWB pile. You are not gf material.

He may find the fact you love him a bit of a ego boost, but he will likely not want to be burned again. He may start his own, "I could not care less" game, or he may use you for sex, or he will bypass and concentrate on his new gf...

 

I think it is probably too late for falling into each others arms, declaring undying love. Too much water under that bridge.

[schlumpy]

If you want him to be your boyfriend or husband then don't accept him into your bed under any other conditions. Somehow you have to shatter the fantasy you have indoctrinated yourself with that this is a love affair when it's in reality just friends with benefits.

 

It you are satisfied with that then fine. If not, don't linger.

 

Best Wishes

[Foxhall]

dont be so hard on yourself about it,

 

in terms of gaining experience you will make mistakes along the way,

 

if it is meant to be with this chap, it can still work out, but if not you take the positives from this and learn from your mistakes- but do not dwell on them,

 

agree with previous post, do not jump into bed with him at the next opportunity, adopt a deeper getting to know you properly approach and in doing so change the dynamic.

[stillafool]

You continue to blame yourself for not revealing your true feelings for him and asking for exclusivity. Did he ever reveal his feelings for you and ask you to be his gf?

[spiderowl]

It is really hard to know what this guy's attachment to you was/is. You say he let you down with chatting sometimes, but on the other hand you were blase about everything too.

 

So far, it seems to have been a friends with benefits arrangements with no real commitment on either side. I agree with other posters, if you want the dynamic to change, you need to change your approach. Instead of ending up in bed with him, meet him as a friend and talk, spend time with him - if he is interested in that. Tell him, you no longer want a FWB arrangement, you are looking for something serious in the future. If he shows interest in this, then take it from there, but don't just leap into bed with him. If he is really interested in you as a person, he will wait for you to be comfortable with the relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Robert]

Seems like the thread starter hasn't been back in a while, I'll close this up until they return, thanks all who participated and gave the thread starter great advice.