To those worried about being forever alone, don't be like me!

[Inflikted]

I know this thread will eventually drift down and out of sight, but hopefully at least some of the wayward souls who come here, worried they'll be forever alone, can see this and take something away from it.

 

First and foremost, I share the pain. At the time of me writing this, I'm a 30 year old guy that's never even been on a date, let alone in a relationship or anything of the sort. Me, I've buried myself under years (decades, even) of social dysfunction, and at this point, I don't see a way out for myself. I feel as though I've doomed myself to a life of solitude, and I have to live with the consequence of that.

 

Of course, everyone's situation is unique and different. And in many cases, a lot of the issues people have can be worked out. I've never felt like I've been equipped to give people any kind of advice, here. I mean, I have no personal experience to draw from, so what good can I really be? But in my time here, I've seen that there's a lot of good, sensible people here with good advice to give. I, unfortunately, have never been very good at figuring out how to apply any of that advice to my own life and my own situation.

 

But if I can't "give advice", than at least maybe I can be this place's best example of "what not to do". Statistically speaking, "most people" will eventually find someone. Of course, not EVERYONE will. Most likely, I fall into that small percentage. But chances are, you will not. Myself, I've only ever encountered one old man who never had anyone in his life. Those of us "forever alones" are truly a small percentage, it would seem.

 

It's a painful process in the meantime, I know. I still struggle with the pain of it, myself. But perhaps I can turn that pain into positive energy for others. If nothing else, take away from this the fact that there's a much higher chance that you'll work through whatever issues you have and find your special someone, than I ever will. Everyone deserves to experience that, and most likely, you will. I wish you all the best, and if I can't ever experience it, myself, I want to be happy for those that are lucky enough to get there. Good luck!

[ZA Dater]

I know this thread will eventually drift down and out of sight, but hopefully at least some of the wayward souls who come here, worried they'll be forever alone, can see this and take something away from it.

 

Like you I have resigned myself to being alone, like you I read advice and battle to find any sort of practical application for said advice.

 

Fundamentally the issue is as soon as a person doesn't conform to some of un written norm it becomes a lot harder for that person to be deemed attractive. People find comfort in conforming.

 

Yes, I guess I could date someone but that person wouldn't be what I want so I'd rather have nothing than someone I don't find attractive. Often I wonder about those giving advice, are they truly happy with their own circumstances, are they dating people that want to date and how much compromise are they making.

 

My advice really is people need to make the best of their high school and college years, even I could have got laid in HS, stupidly I passed up on at least four opportunities because my "life plan" didn't involve dating then, it was always something I thought I could pick up later on.

 

My other mistake was to embrace who I was and enjoy the things I enjoy instead of trying to fit in with other guys which would have made me more attractive to ladies.

 

At the end of the day superficially most of this can be overcome if one can reconcile the idea of paying for dates.

[Mysterio]

I have a friend that I don't see often. To me. He has a GF. I think he is alone. If they break up. There really is no one he can really call or turn to. Even his family is fragmented.

 

At his Wedding in 2010. He had no other friend than our mutual friend DD at the wedding. He has been separated from his 2010 wife since 2012 and they were together for 8 yrs or so before they married. No kids between them. Just their 2 sons from different relationships before they hooked up. If we did not show up. He would have had no friends at all. He is way too obsessed with the woman in his life. I could not do that. I could not have one woman be my all in anything. That includes female friends and Mom.

 

 

That's alone. I don't feel alone. I have lots of friends and family to bounce off from. I don't think that I will ever be alone.

 

Not having a SO does not = alone for me. Although I want to have a romantic relationship. I want it on my terms. That means someone compatible and we both compliment each other's life.

Edited August 4, 2019 by Mysterio

[alphamale]

why do you think you'll be alone forever Inflikted?

[The Outlaw]

I've had my own fair share of bad luck, but there's just absolutely no way I'm going to let it get me down. I'm just chill flying solo. Be happy with yourself. Forget trying to find a relationship. Find a hobby. Build your finances. Travel when you can. If it's meant to happen, trust me, it will. But I found that it didn't do me any good worrying about it. Once I stopped, it got better.

[Inflikted]

Not having a SO does not = alone for me. Although I want to have a romantic relationship. I want it on my terms. That means someone compatible and we both compliment each other's life.

 

That is very true. I, myself, am not "alone", in that I have made friends with a wonderful couple over the last year. But for the context of this thread, "alone" means "single".

 

why do you think you'll be alone forever Inflikted?

 

I mostly just don't foresee me ever being able to "meet" anyone. I plan to keep a fairly small, close social circle, and I don't anticipate taking on any activities that will be conducive to meeting others any time in the foreseeable future. So, in order to "meet" someone, I'd have to rely purely on blind luck, at which point, I'd be better off playing the lottery.

 

Even if I did manage to stumble onto someone I thought was pretty cool, I can't imagine I'd be able to "sell" myself to them. And because I have zero experience with dating or relationships at 30, I probably wouldn't make for a very good partner. I don't know how to be someone's "date", nor do I know how to be someone's "boyfriend". All I know how to be at this point is a reserved single guy. That won't really do.

 

It is on me, though. I did bury myself into a hole throughout my late teens and 20s, and rather than try to be more social, and learn about dating and whatnot, I chose to continue burying myself deeper and deeper. I made that decision, and now I fully accept the consequences. I only have myself to blame. And it is what it is, now.

 

Why should I think I won't be single forever, alphamale?

[alphamale]

Why should I think I won't be single forever, alphamale?

 

because you don't live in a vacuum Inflikted

[Inflikted]

because you don't live in a vacuum Inflikted

 

I don't understand what you mean.

[alphamale]

I don't understand what you mean.

 

you aren't the only person on the Earth....sooner or later you have to socialize, date, make friends, etc...

[Inflikted]

you aren't the only person on the Earth....sooner or later you have to socialize, date, make friends, etc...

 

Heh, well, it took me almost 30 years to make friends, and even then, that happened more so because she pushed a lot harder to get that ball rolling than I did initially. I really don't foresee any scenario where I "meet" someone, at this stage of my life.

[alphamale]

...at this stage of my life.

 

this "stage" of your life is that of a baby. you are barely an adult and will learn quite a bit about life in the next couple of decades. enjoy life cause it goes by very fast. you are just starting out

[Foxhall]

Just work at being able to hold a conversation.

 

my slight concern for you is that you seem to have a limited pool of friends and are not getting out enough,

 

your age is not a problem, you have loads of time yet,

 

but it is time to start "improving"- aim to be able to find a woman when you are 35 for instance

 

make an effort to join a few clubs, just practice talking to people and observe others interacting,

 

watch a few tv programmes even and observe the interactions, the australian soap opera Neighbours is good , lol, just portrays people having basic conversation in a relaxed way,

 

learn the basics of interaction,

 

personally Ive never been especially comfortable socially, I was never a natural,

but Ive never stopped trying and gradually overcoming the shyness,

 

Im seeing this lady now for a few months, to be honest I found our latest date stressful, and I would have been happier out walking somewhere by myself.

but then she said to me after that she had a really bad week and that i had cheered her up,

that boosted me then, you know this is the benefit of finding someone and not being isolated.

 

people can be happy alone but I dont think there is anyone who wants to be reclusive either. the soul needs engagement.

 

so look shy nervous guys can get women too,(although try to be as relaxed as you can- any women I speak casually to about this will say a stressed out guy is what turns them off, they want a relaxed vibe)

 

there will be some out there who will overlook the dodgy first date, who will give you a chance.

 

hang in there:)

[ZA Dater]

there will be some out there who will overlook the dodgy first date, who will give you a chance.

 

This is very debateable...but maybe yes the OP will find someone he likes who likes him enough to give him a second chance, me personally, I believe this scenario is exclusive to movies and does not happen much in day to day life, however the OP may prove this to be wrong and I hope he does.

[Inflikted]

this "stage" of your life is that of a baby. you are barely an adult and will learn quite a bit about life in the next couple of decades. enjoy life cause it goes by very fast. you are just starting out

 

Heh, well, I guess it's a matter of perspective. To me, I'm already at the point where it feels like time is just flying by at breakneck speed. In any case, if I can't "meet" people, then I can't find someone, and like I said, I don't personally foresee any circumstances where I "meet" anyone, in the future.

 

Just work at being able to hold a conversation. My slight concern for you is that you seem to have a limited pool of friends and are not getting out enough,your age is not a problem, you have loads of time yet, but it is time to start "improving"- aim to be able to find a woman when you are 35 for instance....

 

Thanks for your post! Very nice words. Hopefully, this will resonate with someone who's still looking for hope.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alphamale]

sigh

[Inflikted]

sigh

 

Heh, what?

[Inflikted]

Like you I have resigned myself to being alone, like you I read advice and battle to find any sort of practical application for said advice......

 

I have a friend that I don't see often. To me. He has a GF. I think he is alone. If they break up. There really is no one he can really call or turn to. Even his family is fragmented......

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I've seen both of you guys around here, and I think I've seen both of you having talked about having been on dates and whatnot, correct? At the very least, take pride in knowing you're in a much better position to find someone than I ever will be. I will be forever single, you guys probably won't share that future.

 

ZA, no offense, but you sound a bit bitter, and don't get me wrong, I've been in that place. Sometimes I still get twinges of bitterness. But you've at least been able to get that metaphorical wheel turning. That's impressive, from my standpoint! It definitely sucks when it feels like people just aren't into you, or that you can't find someone good to stick with, but you're already much further along the path of finding someone than I could ever hope to be. Be happy about that! Heh.

Edited August 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[chillii]

Yeah , 30s it's nothing,l didn't get married until after that, or do some of the huge things l've done life until long after that. To resign yourself to what your talking,now, whatever you get will be self inflicted alright. To quit on life with so much to live.

That's the main difference between you and other guys that go on to build a life they love, empires, who knows what, years and years after your age , they know it's just the beginning, some starting from scratch again at double your age, even older, they aren't gonna be squashed like a bug, too much to do and fire in their belly.

You on the other hand are quitting at 30 yrs old,

There's plenty of women out there with the same problem, some much older, you only need to meet that one, anything could happen yet.

Any half decent woman that liked you will be happy to give it a try, she doesn't wanna be alone either.

Your life will be what ever you have the courage to make of it, or not.

[Inflikted]

Yeah , 30s it's nothing,l didn't get married until after that, or do some of the huge things l've done life until long after that. To resign yourself to what your talking,now, whatever you get will be self inflicted alright. To quit on life with so much to live.

That's the main difference between you and other guys that go on to build a life they love, empires, who knows what, years and years after your age , they know it's just the beginning, some starting from scratch again at double your age, even older, they aren't gonna be squashed like a bug, too much to do and fire in their belly.

You on the other hand are quitting at 30 yrs old,

There's plenty of women out there with the same problem, some much older, you only need to meet that one, anything could happen yet.

Any half decent woman that liked you will be happy to give it a try, she doesn't wanna be alone either.

Your life will be what ever you have the courage to make of it, or not.

 

I assume you're responding directly to me and my situation? I wouldn't say I'm "quitting on life". More than anything, I'm trying to accept the consequences of the choices and decisions I've made as I've grown up. I killed my own dream, I took it away from me. I put myself in a position where it's not attainable. I have to take responsibility and hold myself accountable for that.

 

It's a difficult pill to swallow, for sure, but I'm just trying to "move on" and learn to accept what I can have out of life, versus what I can't. And I figure, if I can't contribute useful advice to people around here, perhaps I can at least help people feel better about their own situations, yanno? It's nice to be able to contribute something, and help people around here in some way.

[basil67]

Fundamentally the issue is as soon as a person doesn't conform to some of un written norm it becomes a lot harder for that person to be deemed attractive. People find comfort in conforming.

 

People find comfort because conformity is how one is accepted into the group. Here's the psychology behind it https://www.simplypsychology.org/social-roles.html

 

All the worlds a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits, and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts.

~William Shakespeare.

[chillii]

I assume you're responding directly to me and my situation? I wouldn't say I'm "quitting on life". More than anything, I'm trying to accept the consequences of the choices and decisions I've made as I've grown up. I killed my own dream, I took it away from me. I put myself in a position where it's not attainable. I have to take responsibility and hold myself accountable for that.

 

It's a difficult pill to swallow, for sure, but I'm just trying to "move on" and learn to accept what I can have out of life, versus what I can't. And I figure, if I can't contribute useful advice to people around here, perhaps I can at least help people feel better about their own situations, yanno? It's nice to be able to contribute something, and help people around here in some way.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't matter what choices you made your only 30, anything can be undone, tomorrows a new day not the past.

[ZA Dater]

People find comfort because conformity is how one is accepted into the group. Here's the psychology behind it https://www.simplypsychology.org/social-roles.html

 

All the worlds a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits, and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts.

~William Shakespeare.

 

Great prose that, thanks for sharing! I think if you look at people like the OP its usually obvious why they don't find success, they don't fit in with this called group mentality and why should one?

 

At the end of the day different thing make us happy so why apply group philosophy. Me, I get a thrill from exotic red cars from Italy, women wont ever understand that or my passion for cars per se, much like I wont understand the joys of cooking.

 

OP, you need to find something you enjoy in life, there must be something because you cannot let dating consume you. You say I am ahead of you in that I have been on dates, that's not saying much really because I can tell you its far worse to go on a date, really like the person and then get rejected.

Edited August 6, 2019 by ZA Dater

[basil67]

Why should one fit it with social norms? Did you read the article I linked?

 

>>Norms provide order in society. It is difficult to see how human society could operate without social norms. Human beings need norms to guide and direct their behavior, to provide order and predictability in social relationships and to make sense of and understanding of each other’s actions. These are some of the reasons why most people, most of the time, conform to social norms.<<

 

While some may not understand the joy fancy red Italian cars and others may not understand the joy of cooking, they are still intererests which fit in the social norm. Even if I knew nothing much about the cars, I'd be very happy to go for a day trip in one. And most would love to have a partner who shares the spoils of their cooking. Nobody would think either strange, and most could have a basic conversation about either. When we're talking about outlying interests take the example of my son who's on the autism spectrum: When he was fasinated in car washes, there really wasn't anyone who could remotely relate and they considered it quite strange (except for when we talked with the car wash mechanic who was delighted to have someone show interest) but when he got the Star Wars interest, he suddenly had a mainstream interest which many could relate to - most people can talk a bit about star wars, and some can talk a lot.

Edited August 6, 2019 by basil67

[mrs rubble]

Never say never. My cousin was the same, he'd never had a date, didn't have any friends and lived first at home with his parents, then he shifted to our city and shifted in with us. He used to spend his weekends helping my dad around the house. When he was in his mid 30's he shifted out and got a flat, soon after that he was made redundant from his job, and as it was a specialised industry there were no jobs in the whole country, so he shifted to Australia.

He must have come out of his hermit shell when he got there, because we were all extremely surprised when we got a wedding invitation from him a couple of years later.

[chillii]

As l mentioned on a few of your threads and countless others too za so this will be the last, but social norms have nothing to to with it.

You think your different, you don't know me. Been and lived different my whole life , made absolutely no difference to women accept that the type l go for is rarer than me, 1 in millions so she won;t be on every corner. No matter, never has, l always knew where to look and how to spot her, you just need like minded.

And just about anyone would love a spin in a nice sports car.

 

Great story mrs rubble pretty sure we could all tell the boys or have actually, a few like that. But alas, deaf ears.

Edited August 6, 2019 by chillii