To those worried about being forever alone, don't be like me!

[ZA Dater]

Nobody would think either strange, and most could have a basic conversation about either. When we're talking about outlying interests take the example of my son who's on the autism spectrum: When he was fasinated in car washes, there really wasn't anyone who could remotely relate and they considered it quite strange (except for when we talked with the car wash mechanic who was delighted to have someone show interest) but when he got the Star Wars interest, he suddenly had a mainstream interest which many could relate to - most people can talk a bit about star wars, and some can talk a lot.

 

See, maybe I think differently but in the world of car detailing there is nothing wrong with being interested in car washes. Yes, it would be impossible to date if that were ones only interest BUT I assure you society will judge him poorly for having that as an interest, irrespective of what his other interests are.

 

Here is the thing I like people that "norms" don't really relate to. In fact almost every person and perhaps this is true of the OP too that has different interests is somewhat interesting to me, provided they have the intellect to actually speak about those interests.

 

OP is probably only going on this defeatist trip because he doesn't believe in something better because norms have made him feel isolated. Society has much to answer for, everyday we can choose how to interact and based on the OP I wonder how people have interacted with him to allow him to arrive at the somewhat defeatist conclusion he has. Yes, we can choose but if one is bombarded with the same thing over and over again you do to an extent start to believe it.

 

Case in point "he is handsome", "he is a catch for any lady", if I repeated these to myself often enough I might believe them but my outcomes wont support that belief.

[ZA Dater]

As l mentioned on a few of your threads and countless others too za so this will be the last, but social norms have nothing to to with it.

.

 

So how does he arrive at these defeatist conclusions then? Why has he not been able to date?

 

Its basic marketing, be marketable and you can find a date but that also means being generic to a large extent. Even I find it tough to believe the OP has had such terrible luck but I understand where he finds himself now.

 

I'd be so bold as to say if a pretty lady smiled at the OP he would probably feel a bit better about himself, each day all of us have the power to make someone else feel better by doing the smallest of things, that's the only social norm in my view, that's worth observing.

Edited August 6, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Foxhall]

Never say never. My cousin was the same, he'd never had a date, didn't have any friends and lived first at home with his parents, then he shifted to our city and shifted in with us. He used to spend his weekends helping my dad around the house. When he was in his mid 30's he shifted out and got a flat, soon after that he was made redundant from his job, and as it was a specialised industry there were no jobs in the whole country, so he shifted to Australia.

He must have come out of his hermit shell when he got there, because we were all extremely surprised when we got a wedding invitation from him a couple of years later.

 

 

Like this post,

 

we do not have to accept "we are who we are"- we can always be better

[basil67]

See, maybe I think differently but in the world of car detailing there is nothing wrong with being interested in car washes. Yes, it would be impossible to date if that were ones only interest BUT I assure you society will judge him poorly for having that as an interest, irrespective of what his other interests are.

 

I didn't say otherwise. Having ASD he is an outlier. Many people on the spectrum are outliers BECAUSE they don't fit social norms.

 

Here is the thing I like people that "norms" don't really relate to. In fact almost every person and perhaps this is true of the OP too that has different interests is somewhat interesting to me, provided they have the intellect to actually speak about those interests.

 

Yes, I also have friends who are a bit on the fringe. But you're sounding a bit pretentious wanting someone to have the intellect to talk about their interests. Lots of interests don't require intellect. Just passion.

 

OP is probably only going on this defeatist trip because he doesn't believe in something better because norms have made him feel isolated. Society has much to answer for, everyday we can choose how to interact and based on the OP I wonder how people have interacted with him to allow him to arrive at the somewhat defeatist conclusion he has. Yes, we can choose but if one is bombarded with the same thing over and over again you do to an extent start to believe it.

 

As you stated above, you can only relate to people who are intelligent. How is your inability/unwillingness to converse with someone who's got lower intelligence on a topic any different to how average Neuro Typicals relate to other NTs? Either way, all of us connect with our own tribe -those who we relate to. Have you considered how someone with a lower intellect may feel with you not being able to connect because of something they can't help?

 

All that said, most of those I know who are really, truly unable to connect are on the autism spectrum. There's a name for why they can't connect with others.

 

Case in point "he is handsome", "he is a catch for any lady", if I repeated these to myself often enough I might believe them but my outcomes wont support that belief.

 

It would be foolish to believe statements like this. Physical attractiveness is subjective. And nobody is a catch for everyone. Both are impossible to achieve - not to mention impossible to measure, so of course the outcome will be failure.

 

Better to have goals which are measurable. Such as "I can find something interesting about most people I talk with" "I can attend a party and make conversation with a stranger who's pouring a drink next to me".

[basil67]

So how does he arrive at these defeatist conclusions then? Why has he not been able to date?

 

Its basic marketing, be marketable and you can find a date but that also means being generic to a large extent. Even I find it tough to believe the OP has had such terrible luck but I understand where he finds himself now.

 

I'd be so bold as to say if a pretty lady smiled at the OP he would probably feel a bit better about himself, each day all of us have the power to make someone else feel better by doing the smallest of things, that's the only social norm in my view, that's worth observing.

 

Defeatest conclusions would have started in school when he didn't have the skills to connect. Marketing isn't what's required: it's having sound social skills and the ability to connect with others.

 

Why do you say "pretty" lady? Do you see no value in being smiled at by a kind, nice or thoughtful lady?

[ZA Dater]

Defeatest conclusions would have started in school when he didn't have the skills to connect. Marketing isn't what's required: it's having sound social skills and the ability to connect with others.

 

Why do you say "pretty" lady? Do you see no value in being smiled at by a kind, nice or thoughtful lady?

 

Because you can see pretty, you cant see kind and thoughtful. A story I tell often is how someone came to work for me, he stuttered, had low confidence levels, grew up in very adverse circumstances and he had the look of someone who didn't believe in much and he too like the OP had a rather defeatist mentality.

 

4 years later, he had no stutter and had acquired a vastly improved vocab. More than that he achieved a degree, the first person in his family ever to do so, he walks with confidence and is married.

 

Why the turnaround, well I and others believed in him and it took time but the defeatist attitude was replaced with a can do one, largely because he had victories along the road.

 

My point is simply, the OP hasn't clearly had much to smile about when it comes to dating, there aren't people around him who believe he can, he doesn't believe he can. If I could live my life over one of the things I would do, would be to take advantage of my teen years to learn about dating when everyone knew nothing about it, that way I and I suspect the OP too would not be in the situations we find ourselves in now.

 

Ultimately because you cant succeed at one thing doesn't mean you cant accomplish other things. The inherent problem thought is being with someone is a human quality, everyone wants companionship so we will always chase it no matter what we might say.

 

OP I think adversity is a useful learning tool, I am sure, like me, you see those with seemingly perfect lives the decent looking guy who gets to choose his dates, the ladies who choose their bf's but I do think guys like you and I can date who we want but it needs an extremely specific set of circumstances to allow for that to happen, by this I mean I wont find a date at a club because I don't do well there.

Edited August 6, 2019 by ZA Dater

[preraph]

Inflickted, you're an articulate intelligent guy. You are, at 30, at a great age for a man. Nothing is over.

 

My feeling is that you have made some great strides. You have accomplished Step 1 of being social: You have made friends. It is nearly impossible to make women friends if you can't make male friends, but now that you have done this and are enjoying it, you will continue to progress socially. Yes, you are a few years behind, but you are in no way over the hill.

 

You are working and making friends. This is progress. It's not a matter of if you will meet women, but it is always the worry to everyone whether one will meet the right woman. No one knows that. But if you continue to progress with keeping employment and making friends, it just won't matter as much because there are other things that can fill the void.

[Inflikted]

Wow, you guys have been busy since I last wrote, haha. I'll try to respond to everything, although I'm currently at work and trying to type on my phone, so I'll probably have to split some stuff up, lol.

 

Doesn't matter what choices you made your only 30, anything can be undone, tomorrows a new day not the past.

 

You're not wrong. I, personally, don't see myself undoing the damage I did to myself. And as much as I would love to believe in serendipity, I feel like I'd be better off hoping to win the lottery, heh.

 

OP, you need to find something you enjoy in life, there must be something because you cannot let dating consume you.

 

Yeah, I have my own little hobbies, and I've been trying really hard to come up with new things, it's just difficult for me because I don't have a lot of interest in things. And as much as I'd love to be able to, I can't force myself to be interested in something that I'm not. In any case, I feel like I'm moving past being "consumed" by my lack of a "love life". I'm now just trying to redirect those thoughts and feelings elsewhere.

 

You say I am ahead of you in that I have been on dates, that's not saying much really because I can tell you its far worse to go on a date, really like the person and then get rejected.

 

Personally, sure, I imagine that stings. But the experience is invaluable! That's really cool that you've been able to at least gain some experience in knowing how to date people. Even the experience of getting rejected is good. Whether you realize it or not, you're better equipped to meet someone and attempt to date them and maybe make it into something, and that's never a bad thing!

 

He must have come out of his hermit shell when he got there, because we were all extremely surprised when we got a wedding invitation from him a couple of years later.

 

Nice, nice! "Most" people do eventually find their way, that's great to hear!

[Inflikted]

Okay, so let's talk about my "defeatist" mentality.

 

I get it, "giving up" is generally regarded very negatively. However, regardless of how much one may want something, or even how much work they may put into it, not everyone can attain everything they dream of. That's just life, yeah? Sometimes, you have to take a step back and realize that something just isn't realistic for you.

 

Looking at the situation realistically, the odds are not good for me. I don't have any hobbies or interests that get me out in the world, meeting people, and I don't foresee myself developing an interest in any such activities in the near future. And, I mean, an awesome girl isn't just going to knock on my front door one day, heh. I can't date and find the "right" person if I'm not actually meeting people.

 

I get social fulfillment from my two best friends, and while my social circle is small, I kind of like it that way. I don't have the energy to try to manage friendships with tons of people. In theory, my best odds for meeting someone will be by meeting them through my friends, but even that's a long shot, and I can't bank on that.

 

Yes, in the past, I felt quite bad about my situation, but I'm trying to turn those thoughts and feelings from a negative to a positive. I need to be "okay" with this future. And if my fate can be used to be uplifting or inspiriting to other individuals who feel down on their luck, then perhaps I can turn my negatives into someone else's positive.

 

I'm not "sad" or "depressed" about this, make no mistake. Or, at least, I'm working to not be sad about it. I'm trying to learn to be upbeat and positive about it, and to use my "experience" to make others feel better about themselves. I might as well contribute in some meaningful way to this place, yeah?

[PRW]

because you don't live in a vacuum Inflikted

There is a YouTube channel that a guy created devoted to this. If you put comments at the bottom of the video listing things he/they can do (or stop doing) to help them they will ignore you. But if you post a "woe-is-me" comment commiserating with them you will get a bunch of Thumbs-Ups.

[Inflikted]

There is a YouTube channel that a guy created devoted to this. If you put comments at the bottom of the video listing things he/they can do (or stop doing) to help them they will ignore you. But if you post a "woe-is-me" comment commiserating with them you will get a bunch of Thumbs-Ups.

 

For what it's worth, I, personally, am not looking for anyone's pity or sympathy, or anything like that. When it comes to my own life situation, I'm just looking at things from a "matter of fact" kind of way, and use myself as an example for people to be better than.

[Chris2016]

Never say never. My cousin was the same, he'd never had a date, didn't have any friends and lived first at home with his parents, then he shifted to our city and shifted in with us. He used to spend his weekends helping my dad around the house. When he was in his mid 30's he shifted out and got a flat, soon after that he was made redundant from his job, and as it was a specialised industry there were no jobs in the whole country, so he shifted to Australia.

He must have come out of his hermit shell when he got there, because we were all extremely surprised when we got a wedding invitation from him a couple of years later.

 

OP, it's nice you want to help the forever alone's

 

Maybe one way is being a "successful" story yourself, as in mrs rubble's example?

 

Hearing examples like that, or from guys who've been in your shoes share their stories can be pretty motivating ... What changed? What are you doing different now, than before?

Edited August 8, 2019 by Chris2016

[Inflikted]

OP, it's nice you want to help the forever alone's

 

Maybe one way is being a "successful" story yourself, as in mrs rubble's example?

 

Hearing examples like that, or from guys who've been in your shoes share their stories can be pretty motivating ... What changed? What are you doing different now, than before? ... are some of things I'd want to know.

 

Heh, well, we all have to play to our strengths, yeah? It would be wonderful if I could be THAT kind of inspiration, to be someone people could say "Be like him!" about. But, that's not really in my wheelhouse, I'm afraid. Again, though, we kind of have to go with what we're "best" at, and I can be "best" at being an example of what NOT to be. To be honest, it's... kind of nice to be "best" at something, for a change, heh. I can at least "give back" in that way.

[mr_ybor]

Myself, I've only ever encountered one old man who never had anyone in his life.

 

 

Is that my future self?

[ZA Dater]

 

Maybe one way is being a "successful" story yourself, as in mrs rubble's example?

 

 

To be fair and with respect I wonder if the guy in that story settled or he found the person he was looking for, if its the latter good for him, if its the former I'd argue its not such a great story.

 

Again I think beyond a certain age your chances of success drop away substantially because you become out of step with everyone else of your age group, being single when everyone else is married with kids, you either shop down or you shop up both have pros and cons.

 

Ultimately my view is the older you get the more you are forced to compromise if you want to date someone.

[Inflikted]

Is that my future self?

 

I'm sure your situation isn't as dire as you think it is!

 

Again I think beyond a certain age your chances of success drop away substantially because you become out of step with everyone else of your age group, being single when everyone else is married with kids, you either shop down or you shop up both have pros and cons.

 

Admittedly, that's something I think about, as well. When I already have as much working against me as I do, I also have to take into consideration that now that I'm in my 30s, most people are already spoken for.

 

That said, of course, people who are well adjusted and properly equipped for dating can still meet someone into their older years.

 

I assume that, on the off chance I ever do date, it'll most likely have to be a "take whatever I can get" scenario, which really doesn't sound that appealing. I definitely feel like I missed the boat. But, that doesn't mean other people have to!

[mr_ybor]

I'm sure your situation isn't as dire as you think it is!

 

Perhaps not, but I went from being someone women were at least occasionally interested in, to not having a date in six years now... at a point in life where I think I should be finding someone for the long haul. It's extremely frustrating.

[Inflikted]

Perhaps not, but I went from being someone women were at least occasionally interested in, to not having a date in six years now... at a point in life where I think I should be finding someone for the long haul. It's extremely frustrating.

 

Hey, now, that's still more dates than I've ever been on! You've made it happen before, you can definitely make it happen again. It must be cool to know what it's like for women to have been interested in you. If they were before, they can be again. If something changed between then and now, perhaps you just have to try to figure out what that is?

[mr_ybor]

If something changed between then and now, perhaps you just have to try to figure out what that is?

 

 

My age? Everything else has gotten better, IMO. It's not like I make an effort to be crappier than the previous incarnation of myself, you know?

[Inflikted]

My age? Everything else has gotten better, IMO. It's not like I make an effort to be crappier than the previous incarnation of myself, you know?

 

Sure, sure. But if you were hitting it off with people before, I don't see why you couldn't be able to again. I can't imagine age, alone, would change that. Perhaps you just temporarily lost sight of some common ground with them?

[mr_ybor]

Sure, sure. But if you were hitting it off with people before, I don't see why you couldn't be able to again. I can't imagine age, alone, would change that. Perhaps you just temporarily lost sight of some common ground with them?

 

Right?

 

I dunno, you tell me. I'm looking for matches as much as ever. Not finding much of anyone willing to match to begin with, so I can't exactly have a conversation about it.

 

I try to have as many hooks in my profile as I can, but no one seems to even read the thing.

Edited August 10, 2019 by mr_ybor

[Inflikted]

Right?

 

I dunno, you tell me.

 

Hah, I wish I knew, but heck, you're probably more well-rounded and better equipped to answer that question than me.

 

I'm looking for matches as much as ever. Not finding much of anyone willing to match to begin with, so I can't exactly have a conversation about it.

 

I try to have as many hooks in my profile as I can, but no one seems to even read the thing.

 

Yanno, to be honest, I get the sense that people don't really "use" online dating and Tinder to actually meet people and date. Does it happen? I'm sure it does, occasionally. But honestly, I think people use those things more to try to boost their own confidence, and make themselves "feel" like they're mingling with people, rather than to actually try to meet people and go on dates. In other words, I think most people just look for it to be an artificial confidence booster for themselves. They want to think they're desirable and that people want to talk to them, but they don't want to actually MEET someone that way.

 

Which, I kinda get. Honestly, thinking about it, that's kind of the mentality I've always had when I used to try online dating, and stuff like Tinder. I'd tell myself I'm looking to see what's out there, but really, I'd often just go into it hoping people would match with me and want to talk to me. And unfortunately, I've never gotten any actual attention from anyone through those services at all. Like, literally zero.

 

But I never really wanted to "meet" anyone that way. Ideally, I'd rather meet someone out in the real world, either through pure "serendipity", or through friends, or whatever.

 

And don't get me wrong, that's not to disparage the people who are on these sites. I'm not trying to say people on them are shallow and just looking to get their egos stroked, lol. I just don't think most people that use these services take it very seriously. It's just kind of a way for people to do some light chatting, and stuff.

[mr_ybor]

Yanno, to be honest, I get the sense that people don't really "use" online dating and Tinder to actually meet people and date. Does it happen? I'm sure it does, occasionally.

 

According to statistics, appearently, it does... more-and-more every year. Seems crazy to not at least have it as an option in 2019.

 

Ideally, I'd rather meet someone out in the real world, either through pure "serendipity", or through friends, or whatever.

 

Yeah, serendipity has never been too good to me. As for friends, I'm still pretty new to the area and I don't really have many. Certainly not a friend circle with single ladies in it. That would be nice.

[Inflikted]

According to statistics, appearently, it does... more-and-more every year. Seems crazy to not at least have it as an option in 2019.

 

Yeah, absolutely, nothing wrong with options. I just wouldn't really put a lot of stock in it. I feel like it's the loosest, most "casual" way to mingle and find dates. I guess what I meant was, I'm sure people will go on dates with others they've met online, but I don't get the sense that a lot of long term relationships result from it. When it comes down to it, I think people would generally prefer to meet someone "offline", and online dating is just sort of a filler thing until someone special comes along.

 

Yeah, serendipity has never been too good to me. As for friends, I'm still pretty new to the area and I don't really have many. Certainly not a friend circle with single ladies in it. That would be nice.

 

Hah, yeah, I can relate on serendipity never having been on my side. Still, if you've been able to mingle and socialize before, I think you'll be able to again. You just have to find your footing again. Count your blessings you're not socially stunted in general, like me!