My daughter and my gf, how do l handle this?

[chillii]

Hi people .

Sorry but l'll have to explain here first to give the full picture.

Ex and l divorced 7yrs ago , still can't believe it happened actually especially for my daughter.

Anyway my daughter use to stay over a lot, often all her friends too and l rented a place 15mins away for 5yrs or so , so that we could both come and go as often and easily as possible. Ex and l tried to work together and she was very good with it all too.

 

Later on my daughter got to 15 , 16, and met a boy and they were together for a few yrs. she was also getting into friends and teening and then school was came into the heavier end. So with all that she was hardly staying anymore and l'd just pick her up we'd go somewhere or she'd come over for awhile but at this stage we were only catching up a few times a week and that was ok she had her life to live and school and stuff.

 

Then l bought a place 25mins away, we chose it together and l hoped l'd be happy there too but priority one was just to stay close to her till she was older and it's her home to of course and although she was a busy teen these days it's here fore her and l'm here for her.

She lives with her mum and , grit my teeth- her mums bf now they've been together 4 or 5 yrs.My ex moved in with him 18mths ago . We didn't have anyone new around my daughter until she reached 16.

Anyway , she's 18now and is doing her last year at tech , it's a very heavy yr and she;s been working really hard so we've mostly only been catching up a few times a wk understandably .

The bf and her split a yr or so back and she hasn't been spending much time with friends mainly school work and one or two close friends lately.

We often come over the house for awhile and catch up.

 

Soooooo, it's been so nice this last few mths, my daughter got her licence and she's been coming over to the house for the wkend most wkends last few months. Been beautiful her staying again, been a long time and we still get along great round the house.

 

Well, the first thing is though, she's at the most heaviest point in school right now but so l worry that what time she does have, she's spending it with me at 18. l worry she should be out with friends . l know her circles changing a lot lately again as it does, and she doesn't like the small town her and mum live in, so she's glad at this point to be able to get outa there when she does have the time and hang over here for a change.

But l worry she maybe she should be out with her friends. l dunno.

 

The second part of it is, my gf is only here a month or two ata time, then she has to go back up home for a few months, 12hours away, do her stuff, then she comes back down, been like that for over 12mths . Well , my daughter hasn't met her yet because l've just been giving me and gf time to see how we go before we bother with that stuff.

Anyway , she's coming back down next week, but meanwhile my daughters finally been staying over again just the two of us and we've had a beautiful time.

But now gf's coming down.

l explained to my d and that l understand she might not wanna stay for awhile now as she hasn't even met her yet but of course this is her house too so if they meet and she feels comfortable she's still of course welcome to stay anytime she wants it's all up to her. She said yeah of course dad no worries l understand , l come come over a bit and we'll just see how we go . But you know, l worry deep down she might be a bit upset about it and that she needs me right now and she'd rather just the two of us.

 

Soooo, did l handle that right?

l felt really bad actually, l almost told gf we might just hold off with this stay because my d and l have finally been getting some great time together and l don;t wanna mess with that right now.

But l haven't and at the moment she's still due to come down next week.

l mean l think they'd get along fine, l dunno how they'd go with my d staying, my gf's a good women and very easy going, l think they'd like each other but eh, who knows.

l just don't want my daughter feeling out right now and l'm a bit worried, l'm just not sure if l'm handling this right.

 

Any thoughts or tips would be really appreciated.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Edited August 4, 2019 by chillii

[Beendaredonedat]

I think your concern for your daughter's best interests should be commended. Good on you for keeping that in mind.

 

How long have you been dating your girlfriend? I think if its been a good while and you are reasonably sure that she is a keeper, then introducing your daughter is the next step in you advancing your relationship with your girlfriend.

 

Your daughter said she would hang out a bit with you two and see how it goes so she's got a good head on her shoulders and she sounds very well adjusted as well.

 

Good luck... let us know how they take to each other.

[chillii]

Thanks very much for the thoughts, l'm really stressing about this.

Well, gf and l yeah she is de'f a keeper in that sense, but l dunno about it in another way and this is a thing too. As she has some really big stuff going on , she might even have to go back to her country for who knows how long as her parents are in trouble.

She also has some financial problems, so it's not really an us thing it's just her stuff that's making things uncertain. Not sure if l should wait or what. D knows about it all .

 

My d yeah , she's a very bright girl. She never met the gf l was with for 3yrs before because she was already dealing with mums bf l just didn't want her to have to cope with someone else too.

She knew about her and we'd talk and stuff , but so this would be a first.

 

Must admit though l'm a bit worried about my d's home sitch and that she wants to be with her actual dad right and not this thing at home with mum and her bf. l don't know this guy and don't wanna but l do know there's nothing bad as such it's just that he's not me of course and l don't know if they even connect but l doubt it he's totally different to me. Just worried it might be something like that and her change in friends right now and everything, lot's of changes goin on for her and shifts, maybe she needs me right now, maybe it's a bad time to have gf around.

 

She won't say much about home and tbh, l have trouble talking about it anyway so l don't push it, but she'll just say yeah yeah dado all cool, donnnn'ttt worry. l dunno.

We talk about lots of things else though even her ex bf, my gf, her friends, but yeah a lot of all that has totally changed for her this last 12mths.

l know her and her mum get along really well and her mum looks after her that should still be ok.

 

l dunno , bit worried it's not a good time to bring gf into this right now and l sure don't wanna mess with my d staying over right now if she needs it , you know.

Edited August 5, 2019 by chillii

[Beendaredonedat]

Well, perhaps, since your g/f has these troubles going on and may have to leave the country, then you should wait to introduce her to your daughter if things are so unsettled.

[Ronni_W]

Hey, chillii.

 

It actually all sounds like it's going great...because of all the thinking, compassion, time and Energy you've put into it the past seven years. Kudos and hugs to you, for that.

 

In the meanwhile, your intuitive good parenting has made it so that your daughter is her own person, and autonomous, self-determining entity...

...who can think and feel for herself, knows what's constructive, and can make her own free-will decisions and choices.

 

She said yeah of course dad no worries l understand , l come come over a bit and we'll just see how we go .

She told you that she gets your concerns...and/but that you don't need to be concerned...because she'll let you know what/when/how she needs,

and what/when/how is a problem that you need to address together.

 

I would offer to not just keep seeing her as someone you need to look after and take care of (a child or invalid), but as an actual thinking, rational, confident,

'I-know-who-I-am-and-what-I-like-and-don't-like' adult human Being and woman...and who won't mind kicking your a$$ if and when she thinks you need it! .

 

You don't need to put the rest of your life on hold just because you have an 18-year-old daughter. That is, whatever fears you have around making a bigger commitment to the woman in your life,

don't try to hang it on your loving and beloved daughter...that is simply not fair or equitable to either of these two ladies.

 

If that makes sense?

[preraph]

She's young and she'll adapt. Hopefully, she'll like your gf. You can still plan "alone time" with your daughter. Ask your gf not to give a little space if she sees you're having some father/daughter time. But don't let your daughter abuse that or even tell her about it. Once a week, take your daughter to lunch or drive her to school or go to a movie just you two, but also incorporate your gf into some activities.

 

Your daughter hasn't been negative about it yet, so don't go looking for trouble. Usually teens are pretty blunt when they don't like who their parent is dating, brutally so.

 

Since she and her bf broke up, maybe this is just a period of adjustment for her. Maybe she's even a little depressed and doesn't feel like being social. But do ask her about her friends and just see if she's still got some or tell her to invite a couple of friends to a bbq or something like that. I hope she didn't blow off all her friends when she had the bf and then is left without any.

[chillii]

Thanks for that ronni.

And yeah she's always been very much her own person, just like dad haha, and we've always taught her that too because l've always seen the pressures in others.

So these days yeah she's every bit of that and a lot more buttt, as l say , lot of big changes for her this last year or two too on top of the rest so, you know.

So nope no interest in hanging anything on d, last thing on this planet l'd do but l do wanna be there for her if somethings not right right now is all.

l probably wouldn't even be bothering with her meeting gf right now as yet because like l say there's some stuff l'm still figuring out but it's just that d's been staying lately so with gf coming down again, well.

 

Hey Paraph and thanks for that too. Yep def' don't wanna find trouble haha.

But yeah she dumped the bf and most of her friends she's sick of them all wants some change right now so the depressed thing yeah exactly what l've been a bit worried about actually. l just wanna make sure me and the house are there for her if needed ya know.

[elaine567]

I would put the gf on hold.

Big stuff going on in her life, she is maybe leaving the country...

To be frank, she is the temporary fixture here.

 

Your daughter seems to be going through a tough time, ? depressed and under pressure. She needs to be able to talk to you alone.

A stranger no matter how nice is still a stranger...

I think you have to choose your daughter as priority just now.

[Maddie82]

It's a tough one. You sound like an amazing dad though with how dedicated you are to your daughter. But she's also pretty much an adult now and sounds very mature. I think she would handle meeting your gf just fine. If your gf is a keeper and will remain a big part of your life then them meeting will be a good thing. They would have to meet at some point anyway.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I understand your stress about this. I am also divorced with an 18 year old daughter (and a son). Like me, I'm sure you do not want your daughter to feel like she is a "guest" in either your home or your ex's home. You want her to feel like she has a home....that it's HER home to feel free to come to whenever she wishes and not feel uncomfortable. I don't know what you should do, just wanted to let you know I empathize with how you're feeling because I'd be grappling with the same anxieties.

[chillii]

I would put the gf on hold.

Big stuff going on in her life, she is maybe leaving the country...

To be frank, she is the temporary fixture here.

 

Your daughter seems to be going through a tough time, ? depressed and under pressure. She needs to be able to talk to you alone.

A stranger no matter how nice is still a stranger...

I think you have to choose your daughter as priority just now.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for that and yeah , that's been all exactly my worries too.

And as ya say l'm not 100% sure how gf is gonna work out anyway with all her stuff, so l yeah, l'm not even fussed about them even meeting yet tbh.

[chillii]

I understand your stress about this. I am also divorced with an 18 year old daughter (and a son). Like me, I'm sure you do not want your daughter to feel like she is a "guest" in either your home or your ex's home. You want her to feel like she has a home....that it's HER home to feel free to come to whenever she wishes and not feel uncomfortable. I don't know what you should do, just wanted to let you know I empathize with how you're feeling because I'd be grappling with the same anxieties.

 

 

 

 

Thanks a lot co and yep , exactly. The guest thing to is so not what l want for her especially right now.

She just walses in any old time right now, brings her veggie food rumbles around in the kitchen.

We sit up late watchin movies . she lays all her school work out,lt's just really nice to see, l just don;t want her feeling tip toe or losing that right now, especially if she needs it atm.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I totally agree with you. She didn't choose to have to bounce back and forth between two houses. She deserves to feel AT HOME as much as anybody else.

[chillii]

It's a tough one. You sound like an amazing dad though with how dedicated you are to your daughter. But she's also pretty much an adult now and sounds very mature. I think she would handle meeting your gf just fine. If your gf is a keeper and will remain a big part of your life then them meeting will be a good thing. They would have to meet at some point anyway.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for that Maddie but well, l've tried my best especially because of the circumstances .

Thing is though gf is a keeper or would be but it;s just though with her stuff l'm just not sure how we'd manage it so on the other hand it is a bit up in the air right now too tbh. There's def' no rush for them to meet right now whatever the case though.

Gf has appointments up home in 3 weeks so she'd have to go back. We were talking last night maybe we put this stay off a few weeks right now and she stays home for those rather than up and back and then back again, meanwhile we see how my daughters doing.

[chillii]

I totally agree with you. She didn't choose to have to bounce back and forth between two houses. She deserves to feel AT HOME as much as anybody else.

 

 

 

 

Thanks co yeah my sentiments exactly . lt's been hard enough on them having as it is to live this way that's why l've always allowed.

And it;'s always been really really important to me that she feels our home is just as much her home as the other one.

Anyway , as l was just saying , think gf and me might delay this one now, with her business up home in just a few weeks anyway sooo, we see l guess.

[Foxhall]

If I could look twenty years ahead, I think I would like to be where you are, in-terms of having a loving daughter,

 

Perhaps you are overly stressing about how the new girlfriend and daughter will gel, chances are it will all work out just fine.

 

enjoy this bonding time too with your daughter, shes likely to be fleeing the nest, spreading her own wings soon enough so it is good you have a close connection now.

[chillii]

Thanks for that foxhall and yeah you bet l'm so pleased that we've been getting this time again.

And it's real time you know, real living, just hanging out at home, being in the same house.

last few yrs because of where her school is l'd usually pick her up and we'd go down the beach for a few hours, ot wkends sat or sunday l'd pick her up and we'd go somewhere.

lt just worked out less driving , especially after school later for her the trip home was much closer later when she'd be getting tired.Or wkends she'd be busy with the bf or friends, undersyandable but you know.

We'd usually go away a few times a year too but with school and stuff, life, my end too last year or two we haven't managed.

But with all that stuff what you really want is just some living together again, like a normal father daughter would be in the same house you know and just living, l've really missed that know she has too.

 

 

Anyway, gf did end up coming, d knows and said all cool but she probably won't stay over which is understandable for now.

She'll only be down 3weeks so l'm really hoping d n me will get back to a few more wkends again after this .

We see.

Edited August 9, 2019 by chillii