Harvest Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 The other day we went to a restaurant, I got talking to an elderly man to be nice, she was upset most of day. At check out she paid and I carried items to car, she was mad and said the day was good til I left her alone like we weren't married, she stated that I just wanted to be single and not be around her. She gets upset about our love life, she thinks I dont want her, but when I do she's to tired or young children up. This is very hard to deal with, married 19 yrs have 3 kids and it's been a roller coaster life. I'm an animal lover, always have, she not so much. I'm not perfect but I do get mad when she gets on to me/bitxhes at me for not (minding or not acting the way she thinks I should act) acting the same way as when we first got married. Marriage is to me a commitment ups and downs, sex is difficult when you get bitched out during the day, hearing her complain about the animals and how things are different in 19 yrs. I do love her, but it's frustrating when you try to say I'm sorry and still your wrong when you dont know what you've done that so horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Sounds like a huge disconnect between the two of you. You're as unhappy with her as she is with you. What have you done to try and understand each other? Have you done counselling? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 If this has been an ongoing problem in your relationship then counseling would certainly be a good option but...… If this is a sudden change that is recent, say within the last year, I would consider looking around for an outside influence. Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 The other day we went to a restaurant, I got talking to an elderly man to be nice, she was upset most of day. At check out she paid and I carried items to car, she was mad and said the day was good til I left her alone like we weren't married, she stated that I just wanted to be single and not be around her. OK, so what were you thinking? Sitting alone in a restaurant as a woman is awkward, and the fact you would rather speak to a stranger for I guess quite a long time was humiliating and upsetting. Seems to be rather common, men looking around for other people to speak to rather than their wives... She went to that restaurant to speak to YOU and for you to give her your undivided attention. You took her for granted, you didn't care she was sitting there alone, you knew she would still be there after you were finished speaking to this other guy. YOU chose to give your undivided attention to some stranger... and now you seem clueless as to why she would be upset... She wanted to see love and affection like when you first dated. She did not want to sit there like a lemon, whilst you chose to go speak to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I know Elaine but if she wants his loving attention there are better ways to get it than to sit there with a scowl on her face. No one wants to engage with a person who is angry all the time. They are boring and hard to talk to. You certainly don't want to have sex with that person. I agree that they need MC. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I know Elaine but if she wants his loving attention there are better ways to get it than to sit there with a scowl on her face. As she said all was good, until he decided to ignore her and go off to speak to some elderly gentleman. Then I guess the scowl started to appear... He no doubt felt sorry for the old guy who was "all on his own", but he deserted his wife who was then "all on her own"... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I suppose joining the conversation rather than sulking like a child wasn’t a possibility? Or, perhaps speaking up to regain her husband’s attention? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 She sounds pretty insecure to me. Also quite immature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 She didn't want to demand attention or steam into the conversation, she wanted him to show her attention, not ignore her to go speak to someone else. She wanted him to choose her, show her he cared about her. She didn't want to force his hand... nor for him to get mad when she interrupted his nice chat with the old guy... She waited to see just how long he would ignore her. I guess too long... I do get mad when she gets on to me/bitxhes at me for not (minding or not acting the way she thinks I should act) acting the same way as when we first got married. She is a long term married woman who feels she is no longer important to her husband. She wants the one she married back, but he gets mad when she wants him to be the person she fell in love with... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 I do love her, but it's frustrating when you try to say I'm sorry and still your wrong when you dont know what you've done that so horrible. OK, I see 3 possibilities: 1) you’re doing nothing wrong, she’s a nag and a control freak. Leave her. 2) you’re doing plenty wrong, but you’re not even aware of that. She’s not telling you (or, she tells you in passive-aggressive ways, and it lands up as a big fight) and your marital communication sucks. Get some MC to learn better ways of relating, and addressing issues. 3) she’s tried, you’re beyond all hope, and she’s just sticking it out until the kids are old enough so she can leave. Get IC to learn to be a better partner, parent, human being, and she might stay, and might stop her passive-aggressive behaviour. I suspect it’s (2), but consider whether it might be (1) or (3) and then plan the appropriate action. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 Prudence I like your take, but remember "wrong" is in the eyes of the beholder. I suspect there are deeper issues here. Perhaps W doesn't like socializing much but OP does? So he is "lonely within the marriage" to an extent (not uncommon from what I understand)? So he tries to socialize when an opportunity arises (they're out together) and she feels both uncomfortable and neglected and so gets angry. OP, perhaps I'm totally off here. If not, consider making platonic friendships and/or socializing at agreed upon times in agreed upon ways after discussing with your wife. This will require direct discussion IMO. Then when it's date night/couples time together give her the full attention she desires. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2019 Share Posted August 5, 2019 You're as unhappy with her as she is with you. I'm going to turn around Basil's perceptive observation: She's as unhappy with you as you are with her. I'd guess a marriage counselor could give the two of you hugely valuable insights on communicating, recognizing needs and expressing appreciation. Unless, like her, you just want to complain? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Very well said Elaine. Harvest, be stronger than your wife and get back to courting her. Take her out on a date, touch her, flirt with her, don't be easily dissuaded and show her how much you want her. Then make sure you two have a good opportunity for sex, whether it be shipping the kids off somewhere else or getting a hotel or whatever. Also, stop apologizing and you pay and carry the stuff to the car at checkout next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Prudence I like your take, but remember "wrong" is in the eyes of the beholder. Absolutely. Something the W considers wrong, but the OP is not aware she considers it wrong. Whether anyone else - including OP - considers it wrong is beside the point. She considers it wrong, and bases her response on that. (If this scenario holds...) If this is the case, she needs to be clearer about telling OP what the issues are. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 this is another one of those situations where we are only hearing one side. Her side may be very, very different. OP, if we were to ask your wife for her interpretation of these recent events, what would they be? If we were to ask her about the things that you do that irritate her, what would they be? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 If this is the case, she needs to be clearer about telling OP what the issues are. To add tot his, the OP has to be willing to actually listen. This can be really hard. It's difficult to actually listen to someone when they are trying to tell you something that's bothering them. It's so easy to slip into " it's not like that" or " you're wrong" or " that's not how I think". OP, it sounds like you've had a long marriage. Has her behavior always been an issue for you, or is it new? If it's not new, what's going on in YOUR life that this is suddenly a big deal ( i.e.- have you been talking with a female co-worker or other female a lot, even if it's 100 percent platonic? I'm an NOT accusing you of cheating , but this sort of thing happens a lot)? If it's new, if there something going on in her life or yours that's different? Link to post Share on other sites
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