Dumped for political beliefs

[alligator42]

So I was dating this girl for about 3 months. We were dating/hanging out about 3 times a week and having fun. I was starting to develop feelings for her, so I decided it was about time to have the exclusive talk.

 

The talk kind of blindsided me. All she really said was that we have very different views and that she doesn't know if she could have a serious relationship with me because of it.

 

We never actually had a talk about politics. She never asked me what I thought or why I thought the way I did, she just stayed silent and judged my position based on the odd comment I'd make in conversation. So much is politicized these days it's hard to avoid.

 

We ended up breaking up anyway. I tried talking to her about it but she refused. She never told me her "core beliefs" she was so passionate about despite me asking several times, and she never actually asked me what I thought and why. Hell, I remember her even telling me she doesn't really keep up with politics. I told her I thought it was pretty judgmental of her to do that but it was her choice, that I enjoyed spending time with her and wished her luck.

 

I'm trying not to let it bother me, but being judged like that to someone you were vulnerable with does hurt.

[amaysngrace]

You’re probably better off.

[PRW]

If you don't have compatible political and religious beliefs you'll never get along long term anyway. She did you a favor.

[basil67]

I wonder if it wasn't so much your politics which drove you apart, but your core beliefs and how they reflect on your morals and ethics. And for many of us, having similar morals and ethics are essential in a relationship.

 

One doesn't have to be 'into politics' to have core beliefs which are reflected by a certain political party.

[alligator42]

If you don't have compatible political and religious beliefs you'll never get along long term anyway. She did you a favor.

 

I agree to an extent, I think it depends on the people and boundaries in the relationship.

 

I am taking it as her doing me a favor for different reasons, but overall it just feels like she wasted my time. I'd get her giving me this response a couple weeks in, but I think 3 months at least warrants a conversation to try to find common ground.

[basil67]

Would you have been open to changing your position if a conversation had been had?

[alligator42]

I wonder if it wasn't so much your politics which drove you apart, but your core beliefs and how they reflect on your morals and ethics. And for many of us, having similar morals and ethics are essential in a relationship.

 

One doesn't have to be 'into politics' to have core beliefs which are reflected by a certain political party.

 

You bring up a good point. She was a lot wilder when she was younger then myself. Grew up poor on government assistance, smoker, lots of drug and alcohol use, multiple partners etc. She made a lot of changes to herself this year though which she was proud of. Quit smoking, no drugs, good job, active and eating healthy, which was more in line with my lifestyle, which is why we started dating. In the end, she made mention we were very different people, but I thought of us just having very different backgrounds. I wouldn't have been interested in the younger her.

[alligator42]

Would you have been open to changing your position if a conversation had been had?

 

I would have liked a conversation to see where she actually stood, and why she thought that way. Usually people want the same things, they just have different ideas of getting there. I just feel like she assumed the worst without ever really exploring whether it was true, which is frustrating for me.

 

My views are generally fact based so if she had a better argument I would have reconsidered or at least researched more into it. I also believe that politics don't have to kill relationships, and enjoy hearing the other sides views.

[Logo]

Her wasting your time for 3 months was part of her old self, if one can even put it that way. She just didn’t care.

 

If you had fun and enjoyed those 3 months, keep those memories and try not to look at it as wasted time. You said you enjoyed it.

 

 

Could you have gotten the same out of being with someone with whom you end up staying longer? Maybe.

 

 

Three months is better than waking up 2 years into a relationship and realizing your partner is not who you thought he or she was.

[basil67]

My views are generally fact based so if she had a better argument I would have reconsidered or at least researched more into it.

 

Problem is, most political issues have facts which support both sides of the argument. They can also be twisted in many different ways. It really comes down to morals and ethics rather than facts.

[lana-banana]

Your describing your opinions as "fact-based" and implying that hers aren't, or aren't well-reasoned enough, is already really telling about you and what you believe. Political differences can absolutely be a dealbreaker. Beyond the stances themselves, they're indicative of moral and ethical values, as well as your approach to problem-solving. If someone doesn't share your values or doesn't view the same things as important, you don't stand much of a chance as a couple.

[alligator42]

Her wasting your time for 3 months was part of her old self, if one can even put it that way. She just didn’t care.

 

If you had fun and enjoyed those 3 months, keep those memories and try not to look at it as wasted time. You said you enjoyed it.

 

 

Could you have gotten the same out of being with someone with whom you end up staying longer? Maybe.

 

 

Three months is better than waking up 2 years into a relationship and realizing your partner is not who you thought he or she was.

 

I did enjoy those 3 months with her. She just knew from the beginning I was looking for a serious relationship, she agreed with me. If this was only a couple weeks in and she told me this and didn't want to talk about it I would be more accepting of it, but 3 months with the amount of time we spent together I started to develop feelings for her.

 

To me, she knew there were compatibility problems but never told me. She let me fall for what she showed me, while she's emotionally at an arms length trying to judge my character. Why not just ask me or talk to me about it at any point during the 3 months?

[Prudence V]

Why not just ask me or talk to me about it at any point during the 3 months?

 

Because she was still trying to figure out if the R had any kind of future? Your “talk” made her realise she needed to make a call, on the spot, and the chips fell where they fell.

 

I’ve often walked away from relationships when I’ve felt a moral / political / value disconnect. Especially if the person claimed not to be very “political”. It’s not about party politics, it’s about world view, orientation, life values... everything. I could share a milkshake with someone whose views conflicted with my own, but not a bed, and certainly not a life. It may have taken her three months to see it, but be grateful she spotted it before you had a mortgage, 2.5 kids and a mountain of credit card debt together.

[alligator42]

Problem is, most political issues have facts which support both sides of the argument. They can also be twisted in many different ways. It really comes down to morals and ethics rather than facts.

 

I agree with you overall, i think it just also depends on the specific issue. I assume everyone wants the outcome that creates the greatest good in society. Some viewpoints on the surface sound very virtuous and honorable, but in practice actually cause more problems. That's why I think attempting to research both sides is important.

 

Your describing your opinions as "fact-based" and implying that hers aren't, or aren't well-reasoned enough, is already really telling about you and what you believe.

I think that's a bit of a stretch. I can't make that judgment about her opinions because we never had that conversation. I wasn't trying to imply anything.

 

I agree political differences can be a deal breaker, but am I wrong to assume it deserved an honest conversation before cutting the cord?

[elaine567]

I agree political differences can be a deal breaker, but am I wrong to assume it deserved an honest conversation before cutting the cord?

 

Sort of, but what can happen is that it all gets heated when the dumpee refuses to accept the POV of the dumper.

The dumpee's agenda in wanting to have a conversation is usually an attempt to change the dumper's mind.

If the dumper's mind is made up, then they tend to feel there is nothing left to discuss.

They do not want to get into an argument.

As far as they are concerned it is over.

[amaysngrace]

Don’t worry about the conversation not coming. You’re probably better off for that too.

 

I say this as someone who has had hatred spewed at me from extended family members, you know, those self-professed-tolerant ones. lol

[Highndry]

In reality, it doesn't really matter why you were dumped. The only thing that matters is that this woman did not have a high enough interest level to continue dating you. Focus on women who don't want to let you get away. Those are the ones who will make good partners, not the flaky, wishy-washy types.

[alligator42]

Sort of, but what can happen is that it all gets heated when the dumpee refuses to accept the POV of the dumper.

The dumpee's agenda in wanting to have a conversation is usually an attempt to change the dumper's mind.

If the dumper's mind is made up, then they tend to feel there is nothing left to discuss.

They do not want to get into an argument.

As far as they are concerned it is over.

 

Thanks. I think wanting to talk about it was knee jerk reaction from me thinking there was some sort of misunderstanding. We had spent everyday together the week prior to the conversation, both of us seemingly had a great time.

When I had the exclusive talk with her, she kind of just shut down and stopped talking to me after saying our views are too different. I was calm, but confused and was just asking her to explain what she meant. She wouldn't answer and things just got awkward until I left.

I only got what info I have from texting her a couple of days later and asking her where she stood.

 

Don’t worry about the conversation not coming. You’re probably better off for that too.

 

I say this as someone who has had hatred spewed at me from extended family members, you know, those self-professed-tolerant ones. lol

 

Lol, yes I definitely know the type. She may be in that category who knows. Regardless, I believe her not wanting the conversation is more her loss then my loss.

[The Outlaw]

As already said, you're better off. But I think it's totally pathetic and petty to break up with someone because you don't hold the same political or religious views as they do.

[basil67]

Hang on, you weren't exlusive?? You've been making out like she was a girlfriend who'd dumped you. If you didn't care enough to be exlusive long before this, I can't see that it's such a great loss. It's not like you tied yourself down for her.

 

Perhaps it's your ego which is actually more damaged.

[amaysngrace]

No basil, it’s a matter of common courtesy. If you know you don’t click with someone on a very fundamental level you stop dating them, not string them along for months.

 

Besides, trust and intimacy take time to build and it appears as though he got neither from her.

[basil67]

If you really like someone, I see it as courtesy to stop being available to others in less than three months.

[amaysngrace]

That’s your standard. It’s not everyone’s.

 

Turns out she isn’t relationship material anyway by the way she had an opinion yet still kept dating him.

 

Seems dishonest.

[basil67]

That’s your standard. It’s not everyone’s.

 

Turns out she isn’t relationship material anyway by the way she had an opinion yet still kept dating him.

 

Seems dishonest.

 

Everyone has different standards. I think that if you want someone to behave as a boyfriend or girlfriend, you make them a boyfriend or girlfriend. If that conversation hasn't happened, then it's just a casual thing while it works for both of them.

 

It sounds to me like she was perfectly happy with the casual relationship that they had. The fact that they'd been seeing others for three months indicates that it was a very casual set up.

[lana-banana]

I agree political differences can be a deal breaker, but am I wrong to assume it deserved an honest conversation before cutting the cord?

 

Yes, you are. Anyone can have a dealbreaker for any reason, and if it keeps them from wanting to move the relationship along then that's their right. If someone is at a point where they're content to let you go there's nothing you can do.

 

At no point did she string you along or act dishonestly with you. She was happy to date casually but didn't see you as long-term material, so when you made that step she ended it. I'm sorry that it turned out this way but she wasn't rude or unfair.