Boyfriend says I'm controlling for asking him to with household chores

[Char12]

Boyfriend (25m) and I (25f) have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Over the last year I have been working a job near his parents and living there whilst I saved up. My boyfriend's parents then gave him a deposit for a house which we moved into 2 weeks ago. I pay rent and half of the bills.

 

Over the past couple of weeks I have been cleaning up for a hour before I start an 8 hour shift. He doesn't bother and has no problem living in a mess whereas I'm the opposite. It affects my mental health over time. I have figured if I want it done I will have to do it myself. However, what really annoys me is that he has no respect for the places I've just cleaned and will make a mess behind me. He'll also throw towels on the floor after his shower so they're all damp for me by the end of the week.

 

I've told him how it hurts my feelings (many times). Our conversations go something like this:

 

" I don't care about keeping the house clean and putting things away after an 8 hour shift."

" I do"

"I'm not being told what I can and can't do in my own house"

"It's not just your house, it's our house"

"Well why do you get to control how things are, I don't tell you what you can and can't do"

 

He doesn't understand the idea of compromise in a relationship and I come out feeling like I'm a nag even though I do everything and I am just asking that he doesn't make a mess behind me. Since our conversation we have barely spoken over the weekend and I'm so stressed about the situation I'm in. Am I being controlling or does he need to take my feelings into account? Any advice appreciated.

[Maddie82]

He's disrespectful, immature and lazy. Doesn't sound like he's going to change any time soon either. Maybe moving in together was a bit premature.

[elaine567]

It is NOT his job to clean and tidy -> woman's work.

NO doubt his mother ran after him tidying and cleaning up and he expects you to do the same. He drops wet towels on the floor as they always miraculously disappeared to be replaced by dry fluffy ones...

 

It is often an ingrained attitude, and even though he is still young, he will probably never do it for you or anyone else.

You can go "on strike" but he will not care about the increasing mess, whilst you go slowly mad and eventually cave in and start cleaning...

He may under pressure be persuaded to do "some" cleaning, but it will be short lived, he will do it badly, he will moan about it and quickly stop until the next blow out...

Bottom line he doesn't see why he has to do it, he doesn't want to do it and will try his hardest to not do it.

 

Guys like this need years of living alone to appreciate "cleaning", but even then they can revert in an instant as soon as a woman shows up...

Guys like this tend to move straight from being looked after by their mother to their gf/wife. They have no intention of ever doing "woman's work".

 

If you can afford it, hire a cleaner, otherwise put up and shut up, he will not change anyway, or just leave.

[schlumpy]

If you want to modify his behavior then nagging him won't do it.

 

Invite people over who's opinion he values so they can see how he lives. That will do the trick but it wil also stress your relationship.

 

Only clean up your mess and leave his to rot.

 

Forget about him and clean to your hearts content. Do it for yourself.

 

Tell him if he doesn't shape up you will find your own place and move out and be prepared to do so.

 

You will have to wrestle with your own feelings about which path is best to take.

 

 

Best Wishes

[Curiousroxy86]

Step 1. Stop arguing with him. Know that you can’t change him. No matter what you think the right thing is well he doesn’t agree. You can’t make anyone see things your way. Even if everyone on this forum fully agree with you it won’t mean a damn thing. Your boyfriend still won’t choose to clean. So stop arguing. You already talked about it and that didn’t work.

 

Step 2. Accept reality. He is not going to clean. So since your own actions really is the only thing in your control. what are you going to do about it OP?

 

Step 3. Decide what to do. Like Elaine said you can hire a maid, choose to just be the one in the relationship who cleans, or breakup with him.

 

So again I say what are you going to do about it? I really would like to know the answer to that question when you are ready to answer Op.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you're doing his laundry, definitely stop.

[Redhead14]

Never ever do laundry for a man who isn't your husband. And, don't do the other usual "wifely" duties which includes making dinner, managing finances, and shopping. If he doesn't like his home clean and orderly, is this the kind role model you want your children to have? Do you want your daughters to watch you do everything and work at a job without mutual support from your partner? Do you want your boyfriend's attitude about what's "woman

s" work to be exemplified by you? If you are planning on raising children, you need to think about what message they are going to get. If you have daughters -- "oh, I see, I'm the woman I'm supposed to do everything in the house" and the sons will be treating their girlfriends/wives like they are maids.

[Maddie82]

If you're doing his laundry, definitely stop.

 

I agree. He will soon complain when he has no clean pants. And when he asks why just tell him he knows where the washing machine is.

[Art_Critic]

"I'm not being told what I can and can't do in my own house"

 

This is how he feels... this is what your life will be from now on and you will also hear this elsewhere with other issues later.

 

IMO, I would walk...

 

The guy is jerk.

Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Invite people over who's opinion he values so they can see how he lives. That will do the trick but it wil also stress your relationship.

 

This doesn't work either as many will blame the woman... look at the mess, poor guy, SHE is a lazy slob...

or some motherly types will organise cleaning parties to come help to sort him out... do his laundry, tidy up.

He learns nothing... only that it IS woman's work.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you are planning on raising children, you need to think about what message they are going to get. If you have daughters -- "oh, I see, I'm the woman I'm supposed to do everything in the house" and the sons will be treating their girlfriends/wives like they are maids.

 

Yep. I have a friend who recently, finally, left her husband because of this. Her teen boys were turning into their father. Hopefully it is not too late to "turn them around."

[BaileyB]

This experience has shown you what you can expect in the future if you stay with this man. He has no problem living like a slob, leaving you to do all of the work and then complaining when you ask him to help. What do you think life will be like if you have children with this man? Yup, you will be doing all the work to care for the children AND you will be responsible for keeping the home.

 

Except, you pay him rent. He doesn’t see you as a partner, because it is “his” house and you are paying him rent. It’s going to be hard to get him to take you seriously as a partner as long as this is the situation.

 

I’m sorry. I think you are learning about this guy that he has some more maturing to do before he is a “grown up” man. I would be looking for somewhere else to live, I’m afraid.

[alphamale]

you need to dump this chump Char12...he's never going to change

[PRW]

I think everyone already said about everything that needs to be said.

 

Why in the heck are you paying ALL the rent AND half the bills???

 

Bottom line....

 

You moved in with a "child". You are his new "mommy".

Notice that his real "mommy" even paid the deposit,...he couldn't even do that.

[Els]

Sounds like a spoilt momma's boy - parents buy him a house, parents probably did everything for him when he lived at home. On the bright side, it's a really good thing you found this out before you got married...

[Beendaredonedat]

If he thinks you're controlling because you would like to maintain a clean home then he's never going to change and IMO he's a d-bag. Yes, I also suspect that his mother has done everything for him and he resents having a woman tell him what to do.

 

It affects my mental health over time.

I think you will be very foolish to stay in a relationship with a d-bag that because of his slovenliness wrecks havoc with your own mental health.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why in the heck are you paying ALL the rent AND half the bills???

 

She just said "rent", I'd guess she means her share.

 

Char12, if this doesn't work out, will you come move in with me? The wife and I could use someone who pays the bills AND cleans while we sit around ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

It is what it is. This guy is NOT a keeper. He's the last guy you want to accidentally end up pregnant by and be stuck with forever! You know, there are people you can love and enjoy but still not be able to live with or stay with. And he's one.

 

The worst thing about this is he has zero respect or empathy for you. This is just not a good substantive man. You date people to find out what they're like. Now you know, and it's time to move on to a better one.

[LuckyM]

This is an "Odd Couple" question (70s sitcom)

 

 

You enjoy cleaning? If you do, then go ahead.

If you don't or hate cleaning, give him good reasons or motive for cleaning up. (You will have more time for him, do something he likes.) or some reward. Anger is the worst response.

 

 

You do not want to break up over this, do you?

I like the maid idea.

 

 

Two issues here: dirt and mess. I hate cleaning dirt but I am very neat with messiness, tidying up. Maybe you can divide the chores this way.