My husband doesn't do enough

[marriage81]

I've been with my husband for 16 years (11 married), I'm so frustrated 99% of the time. Everything was great and then we had kids and now everything is not so great. He's good at helping with the kids, he changes diapers and all that stuff and I appreciate it - but he needs to be told to do everything!! like literally everything! And the things he does do after I tell him to do them he does them so slowly, like he just literally lumbers about the house taking 20 minutes to find a spoon or something. It's the most frustrating! Because I have two kids bugging me for things all day long, I really need more help from him! I need him to stop being in a daze and be in the present and do things quicker without lumbering about. I need him to understand that he has to talk to the kids when they're talking that it's not just me who has to talk to them, or he has to take initiative to plan things and take the kids out, etc... he has to teach the kids things, etc... our older son has a lot of frustration issues or physical slowness issues and my husband and me complain about it all the time, and I'm trying so hard to fix them, but he doesn't do anything to help. He just gets annoyed that he's acting the way he is. And I tell him he needs to be more cognizant of hte problem and help work through it with our son, but he just says "i am helping" or "school will help" stupid things like that.

 

It's so frustrating, I feel like a single parent. I mean not totally a single parent because I do appreciate his help, dishes, laundry, bedtime, bathtime, lading the car, that's all really helpful and great. But I need way more than that. ANd he thinks everytime i bring this up to him that i"m saying he's not doing anything. When in reality I know he does a lot of those things, but they're either being done because I told him to do it, or they're being done wrong in general.

 

Perfect example, my son didn't do homework this year. He didn't do hoemwork because I chose to not do it and see how long it would take my husband to get my son to do his homework. But not once did he acknowledge that there was homework and to tell my son to do it! So no homework the entire schoolyear! Or another example, I potty trained our first son because he was just not thinking about it. And now our second son is way harder to potty train, and evrytime I try to start I fail, and with two kids it's impossible to devote enough time. But he's not helping at all, he's waiting for me to tell him to help potty train and when I do tell him to help he won't even do it right, I know he won't and on top of that he'll get frustrated that I'm bugging him to help do it he'll say "I know he has to be trained, i'm trying", but he isn't trying. Or he'll say "He's too hard to potty train, it'll never work anyway". It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm at my wit's end with this.

 

Is this normal? Are most dad's like this?! I went to a relationship counsellar who told me most men are like this, they need to be told what to do. But I call BS on that, and to add to that even when I tell him what to do he does it wrong or way too slow anyway.

 

i'm really frustrated... any advice?!

[BaileyB]

We were just talking about this at work last week. Sorry to say, your complaint was the same complaint by many of my coworkers. Some husband’s were more helpful than others, but most kids still see their mother as the “primary” parent. In that, it would seem that your experience is fairly typical...

[elaine567]

How old is he?

[clia]

This is apparently very common. Google "emotional labor" and "mental load." In many relationships, it falls entirely on the women.

 

There is also a great comic strip called "You Should've Asked" that explains this very well:

 

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

 

Also, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink":

 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

 

I don't have an answer for you, but rest assured, you are not alone.

[schlumpy]

Is this normal? Are most dad's like this?! I went to a relationship counsellar who told me most men are like this, they need to be told what to do. But I call BS on that, and to add to that even when I tell him what to do he does it wrong or way too slow anyway.

 

i'm really frustrated... any advice?!

 

I'm a guy and I can feel the frown on your face already. I guess as a gender we aren't putting any points on your scoreboard lately.

 

Bailey beat me to it but yes, I do believe this is typical. I have no children myself but I do have a large family with lots of kids and the behavior you are apoplectic about was likely within their ranks but not total.

 

I think one approach you can take is to make something you need help with your husbands job and require that he solve the problem. Don't criticize how he accomplishes the task as long as it gets done. This is an outcome based strategy. I always had an easier time helping my wife with her projects if she allowed me to do it in a way I was comfortable with. If she criticized my efforts just because she did it another way, I was reluctant to help out.

 

If you want him to shoulder more responsibility you have to give up some of your power over the household.

 

You know, of course, this will never be solved as an issue between spouses and you will be laughing at your own kids one day as they describe exactly the same scenario to you.

 

 

Best Wishes

[elaine567]

If for instance your husband wanted you to do the garden and you hated it and resented him for asking you to do it, then you would act the same.

You would be slow, you would never see anything to be done, you would wait for instruction, you would do as little as possible, you might "get it wrong " to avoid being asked again... you would shirk responsibility... you would not want to be taught or want to learn anything as bottom line you just do not want to do it.

[stillafool]

I can imagine how frustrated you must be. Perhaps try marriage counseling. I don't understand your son not doing his homework for a year because neither you or your husband would help him. Can he do his own homework?

[PRW]

Is this normal? Are most dad's like this?!

No.

 

Many will lean that way in a MILD way and I think that is normal,...but not to the degree this guy is acting that way. But you've been with the guy for 16 years,...you are just seeing this now?

 

I went to a relationship counsellar who told me most men are like this, they need to be told what to do. But I call BS on that,

I've often heard that most therapists need a therapist,...sound like this one does. Get a new therapist.

[BaileyB]

Many will lean that way in a MILD way and I think that is normal,...but not to the degree this guy is acting that way.

 

Agreed. Your husband seems to be a little more obtuse than most, OP.

 

But then again, I don’t know many mothers who would allow their children not to do homework for a whole year to prove a point to her husband. Or rather, not to prove a point as much as to hold it over your husband’s head what a poor parent he is...

 

There has to be a middle ground that the two of you can find. I would encourage you to keep working...

Edited August 5, 2019 by BaileyB

[BrennaR]

Could it be that you expect things done certain way and when he does them his way, you are disappointed? I've fallen in this kind of dynamic before with a controlling partner, they make you doubt yourself and not know how to load a dishwasher, when before you knew them you were able to operate a dishwasher just fine. Perhaps if you let him do things his way they would still get done, even though they would not be perfect?

 

Just a thought.

[sandylee1]

I think men need the obvious pointed out to them. I was the one who always supported my kids with homework. My husband wouldn't have a clue if it was done or not.

 

He couldn't tell you their teachers names or school friends.

 

I think he saw his role as financial providing, even though I worked as well.

 

He was also good at doing the fun things with the kids...but doesn't quite think about stuff like homework.

[Els]

Sorry to say, your complaint was the same complaint by many of my coworkers. Some husband’s were more helpful than others, but most kids still see their mother as the “primary” parent.

 

 

This is what I've heard from my female friends with kids, too. I'm not sure to what extent the OP's partner tries, but it's not just the partner's fault - kids are also socialized to run to their mum more than their dad. And not even just the kids, but anyone who interacts with the kids (teachers, relatives, daycare, etc) - many women were incredibly frustrated that they are ALWAYS the one who gets called and their work day interrupted if anything is needed, and that even if they tell the person to call the dad, nothing really changes.

 

 

 

It's like our entire society is conditioned to think of the mum as the parent that does everything, while dads are patted on the back for so much as changing a dirty diaper, or lauded for "babysitting" their own kid. And I think that's also where the frustration from the men comes from, because the standards are set so low for them - they think they're already doing more than the men they know, even if it's not anywhere near 50%. "I'm already changing two diapers a day, which is 200% more than my own father did, and you're expecting MORE?"

 

 

 

We most certainly have not achieved gender equality when it comes to parenting IMO, which is a big part of the reason why I'm leaning towards being childfree.

[BaileyB]

kids are also socialized to run to their mum more than their dad.

 

I have a friend who calls this “the default parent.” If both parents are available, the kids will usually still go to “the default parent.”

 

And not even just the kids, but anyone who interacts with the kids (teachers, relatives, daycare, etc) - many women were incredibly frustrated that they are ALWAYS the one who gets called and their work day interrupted if anything is needed.

 

I notice this at work. And yet, it is also propagated by the families themselves, at times. If I call a family and the father answers, I will usually say what I have to say to that parent. More often than not, after I’m finished they will say “that’s great, I’m going to let you talk to my wife...” It provides an interesting view of family dynamics...

[Allupinnit]

Hopefully as times marches on and more of these antiquated ideas of how families "should" function will become a thing of the past.

 

Men are quite capable of doing any of the above-mentioned responsibilities you cited - it sounds like he just doesn't want to or have to. And really no amount of nagging on your part is going to change anything. They just tune it out.

 

In my experience the only way men have had that "come to Jesus" moment is when they get left (see Clia's article). You don't need another child - you need a partner.

 

Think of allllllll the things that men can accomplish in one day at work. And I think it's really unfair that women are expected to shoulder the whole load at home because "men just don't know any better and need to be told what to do."

[Beendaredonedat]

I mean not totally a single parent because I do appreciate his help, dishes, laundry, bedtime, bath time, lading the car, that's all really helpful and great. But I need way more than that

I'm posting without reading any other replies so my bad if this has already been said, but lady, you need to stop being so helpless and actually REALLY appreciate what your husband is doing. If he's doing dishes, laundry, bedtimes,bath times and "lading" the car then you need to stop asking for more from him. If he's working and doing all that then he's doing more than what most men do and what all men did during my child rearing days.

 

Do you work outside the home or are you a stay at home mother?

 

If you're going to demand he do even more than I suggest that you make a list of all chores that need to be done and then split them down the middle so that you are doing equal shares. Of course if you are a stay at home mother than the majority of what stay-at-home-parents need getting done because THAT is your job. My husband paid me a wage to stay at home and do the brunt of the house work while he worked full time and did the outdoor chores around the home.

 

Bottom line IMO... you are lucky to get the help is is giving you and try to remedy without making him do the majority of the work.

 

If you are tired of the kids always coming to you for things than simply tell them that "Daddy is right there, you can ask him to do that for you too." Keep saying that and in time they will rely on both of you to get them the things they need getting/done.

Edited August 5, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Els]

 

Bottom line IMO... you are lucky to get the help is is giving you and try to remedy without making him do the majority of the work.

 

 

Why is it even considered "helping" when the kids are 50% his and he lives in the house as well??? Unless the OP is indeed a SAHM and her husband is the sole breadwinner, this is a very antiquated way of looking at it. Kind of like saying I'm helping myself brush my teeth...

[Beendaredonedat]

Why is it even considered "helping" when the kids are 50% his and he lives in the house as well??? Unless the OP is indeed a SAHM and her husband is the sole breadwinner, this is a very antiquated way of looking at it. Kind of like saying I'm helping myself brush my teeth...

 

Lets not split hairs. The point is she is getting plenty of CO-PARENTING REARING as is, particularly if he works outside the home and she doesn't.

[Els]

Lets not split hairs. The point is she is getting plenty of CO-PARENTING REARING as is, particularly if he works outside the home and she doesn't.

 

 

You're considering it "plenty" just because it exceeds your yardstick for fathers. But if their genders were flipped, would you tell the OP that his wife was doing "plenty" just because she does "dishes, laundry, bedtime, bath time, loading the car"?

 

 

I agree that if she doesn't work outside the home, your point would be valid. But we don't know that.

[notbroken]

I can't help but wonder if the wife is happy when he does do things or does she criticize the way/speed he does them? If you read the first post it sounds like the poor guy can't do anything right - and sorry but I doubt that is true.

 

Have him assume responsibility for a complete task (bathing the kids?) and let him do it without complaint. Choose something that would be helpful and let him do it.

[Beendaredonedat]

You're considering it "plenty" just because it exceeds your yardstick for fathers. But if their genders were flipped, would you tell the OP that his wife was doing "plenty" just because she does "dishes, laundry, bedtime, bath time, loading the car"?

 

 

I agree that if she doesn't work outside the home, your point would be valid. But we don't know that.

 

You are assuming. re the bolded.

 

He does help her and is doing plenty. If the genders were flipped I would say exactly the same thing. Good grief... I'm a feminist. Equality for both genders and even for those who are "fluid."

 

Op: Do you work outside the home?

[Els]

You are assuming. re the bolded.

 

He does help her and is doing plenty. If the genders were flipped I would say exactly the same thing. Good grief... I'm a feminist. Equality for both genders and even for those who are "fluid."

 

 

lady, you need to stop being so helpless and actually REALLY appreciate what your husband is doing. If he's doing dishes, laundry, bedtimes,bath times and "lading" the car then you need to stop asking for more from him. If he's working and doing all that then he's doing more than what most men do and what all men did during my child rearing days.

Could've fooled me.

[Allupinnit]

If the OP is feeling like she shoulders the family burden and has to tell him what to do else he loafs around the house, I don't think telling her to sack up because he's doing enough *in your opinion* is helpful.

[Beendaredonedat]

Still waiting for you to let us know if you work outside the home, OP. If you do then you are even more expecting too much from your husband IMO.

 

If you want to remedy then make that list and split it down the middle. Be prepared to include the outside chores in the list so that your husband isn't doing all of it.

 

Frankly, I think that you are a tad depressed and that is why you are having a hard time coping. Being the caregiver to my two grandchildren during summer holidays, (they are 5 and 3) I can sympathize with you in regards to them always coming to me for whatever it is they want when their grandfather is sitting right there. They are slowly getting it that he can do for them just as well as I can with repeated prompting to ask their grandfather) Other than that, thank your lucky stars he is greatly participating in the children's needs and do not criticize if he isn't doing things the way you would do them. (which I suspect you may be doing).

 

If you can do that, you will not feel the resentment you are currently feeling.

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off toic

[Beendaredonedat]

If the OP is feeling like she shoulders the family burden and has to tell him what to do else he loafs around the house, I don't think telling her to sack up because he's doing enough *in your opinion* is helpful.

 

... and He's hardly "loafing around the house" if he" bathing the kids, doing the dishes, taking care of bedtimes and everything else he's doing.

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Beendaredonedat]

and to add to that even when I tell him what to do he does it wrong or way too slow anyway.

It would appear that the Dude can't win.

 

I'm sorry I'm not as sympathetic as some but you have to learn to not criticize if you are actually telling him or nagging at him that he's not doing it right.

 

I get it, you are frustrated but you have to change your mindset to be grateful for what he is doing and trying to do and less irked in how he is doing what he does do. Just like the kids, your husband will also respond to Positive Reinforcement. You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.