My husband doesn't do enough

[basil67]

Couple of thoughts outside of what has already been suggested:

 

* Perhaps child #2 isn't ready to toilet train yet. Give them more time and come back to it later.

 

* There's no evidence that homework makes any difference to outcomes for children who are in gradeschool. If you're finding it overwhelming, don't worry about it. Tell the teachers that if they've got any concerns, they should speak with you.

 

It's OK to make your life easier.

[DKT3]

Could it be that you expect things done certain way and when he does them his way, you are disappointed? I've fallen in this kind of dynamic before with a controlling partner, they make you doubt yourself and not know how to load a dishwasher, when before you knew them you were able to operate a dishwasher just fine. Perhaps if you let him do things his way they would still get done, even though they would not be perfect?

 

Just a thought.

 

This is my thoughts exactly. Funny thing is she says he doesn't do enough then lists a long item of things he does. So really its not that he isn't doing enough items more he isnt doing them how and when she wants it done. This is also typical for a control freak.

[Lauradlou]

Hmmm, I am sorry you feel so frustrated. Parenting is hard! I definitely think complimenting the things that are happening and getting done is a great place to start. Each relationship is different and our roles in them is also different. I think communicating to each other what each of you expect from the other and finding a place to meet in the middle will be helpful. You each need to feel valued and appreciated for what you bring to the marriage and parenting. I think if that doesn't seem to help, then find a different counselor. One that can offer some real and helpful advice. I will be praying you will both find peace in the process and resolution!

[DKT3]

Another point, I have three children, I'm a very involved father and I simply never saw it as very taxing. I hear women say all the time how hard it is, I just dont get it. I could spend 18 hours a day with my kids as toddlers and love ever second.

[S2B]

If you want him doing things for you/the kids/the house = then spell it out for him!

 

 

Stop getting mad because he’s not a mind reader - tell him what YOU need from him. Then he can say yes or no to your request.

 

These kind of resentments end marriages - which can be fixed by communicating!

 

You want to communicate or you want to divorce?

[Mr. Lucky]

Still waiting for you to let us know if you work outside the home, OP. If you do then you are even more expecting too much from your husband IMO.

 

At this point, can't even tell if the OP's husband is employed and works outside the home. They could be living in her parent's basement for all we know.

 

marriage81, is your husband the sole breadwinner and support of your family? If that's the case, I agree you're undervaluing his contribution.

 

Welcome to LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

If you want him doing things for you/the kids/the house = then spell it out for him!

Stop getting mad because he’s not a mind reader - tell him what YOU need from him.

 

BUT is that not the OPs gripe?

She doesn't want to keep telling him what to do, she wants him to take some responsibility, use common sense and figure out for himself what needs done.

She is fed up being a single parent with a hanger on who needs spoon fed every day.

She wants him to be an adult and an equal partner she can rely on.

She doesn't want someone who is "clueless" until she steps in and walks him through it.

[S2B]

Was he always like this?

 

Do you both work?

[BettyDraper]

I wish that more women would consider certain unpleasant truths before becoming mothers. Most fathers do not do as much as mothers once children arrive. Even when mothers work outside the home, the burden of childcare and housework fall on the women's shoulders.

 

With all that being said, the OP comes across as controlling and rather ungrateful. Some fathers barely lift a finger. Maybe the OP's husband just works at a different pace. Nobody likes to be constantly told that he is wrong when he's trying his best to help. A little bit of appreciation and respect could go a long way.

[Els]

I hear women say all the time how hard it is, I just dont get it. I could spend 18 hours a day with my kids as toddlers and love ever second.

 

 

Did you ever ACTUALLY spend 18 hours a day with them every day for any significant period of time, or is this all hypothetical?

[preraph]

Maybe you'd be better off divorcing him and insisting to the judge he get joint custody so he'd HAVE to do more for the kids and you'd have three and a half days of time to yourself every week to have a social life and shop and rest up. Of course, this means you will have to get a job you can make a living on, though he will have to pay at least half of everything for the kids as far as medical, etc.

[Turning point]

You have a lot more control over this than you admit. You're using a hammer where a soft brush would be more effective. Do you know what happens after dolphins jump through a hoop? They get a fish.

 

How grateful are you when he does do something? How grateful are you when there's nothing at all to be done? What is your husband looking forward to when he engages with you?

 

In addition, what might he be doing that you take no notice of at all? What does you husband do around the house that you never ask him to do? Does he mow the lawn, shovel snow, paint the house/apartment, repair things, service the cars, remodel or renovate, do laundry, pick up supplies, etc.?

 

Many people will tell you his lack of support is typical - but, it's largely bulls**. It's just one half of the equation and a lot of people suck at math.

 

Women for example, are often highly critical. They demand their man do something, and throughout the process complain that he's not doing it the way they do it. When it's complete they complain it's not done well enough. Finally they complain in unilateral terms that he NEVER does anything right.

 

Meanwhile they fail to recognize all the things he might do that they themselves would never do, often appearing stunningly ignorant that any of these other chores even exist.

 

Who on earth can work enthusiastically under such conditions? On what planet is it okay to drop the ball on our own son just so we can blame our spouse a year later for his failing grades?

 

Model the behavior you want, and have a fish to offer while soliciting and getting the response you want.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Turning point

[BettyDraper]

Women for example, are often highly critical. They demand their man do something, and throughout the process complain that he's not doing it the way they do it. When it's complete they complain it's not done well enough. Finally they complain in unilateral terms that he NEVER does anything right.

 

Meanwhile they fail to recognize all the things he might do that they themselves would never do, often appearing stunningly ignorant that any of these other chores even exist.

 

This is true. Many women do not understand that respect and appreciation are vital for men. I was once a bitter and complaining wife. It was hard to come to that realization, apologize to my husband, and began the process of changing my perspective.

 

I do feel the need to say that it isn't BS that men don't do as much as women as far as parenting is concerned. There have been several studies of this dynamic. Regardless of statistical information, it seems like the OP receives far more help than most wives and she doesn't appreciate it.

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beendaredonedat]

@TurningPoint. Post #32... I would quote your post in full so that the OP can see what she clearly is not seeing but there is a quote limitation so I'll just say: Good Post in this particular situation and:

 

Op: Read his post over and over and change your attitude so that you're not in resentment mode the way you currently are. Be gracious when he does his part and see a therapist if you are, as I summize, depressed or feeling neglected romantically. (which you both probably are with life and kids etc getting in the way). I think you'd feel less put upon if you got back to more often that of a Husband/Wife role rather than Daddy/Mommy mode.

 

Good luck.

[Turning point]

I do feel the need to say that it isn't BS that men don't do as much as women as far as parenting is concerned. There have been several studies of this dynamic.

 

All of which are BS because they fail to account for the societal bias imposed on men.

 

Do you know what happens when a dad shows up with his kids at the local playground? The mothers move closer to their kids. There's an immediate air of suspicion, especially should any of their own children try to engage.

 

If he goes to the bank or supermarket with kids in tow, the comments are: "Oh! How sweet, a special day for dad with the kids." Never mind that he shows up 3 times a week, 15 years in a row in front of the same tellers or check out clerks. Their bias doesn't allow them to accept that a man might be the primary caregiver.

 

This permeates every facet of life a man might show up in with his kids. There's no studies that account for that reality.

[basil67]

The societal bias I am seeing reinforced by many here: The idea that he doesn't know what needs to be done and must be told like a child. If men can't figure stuff out for themselves, it's no surprise that women apparently get closer to their kids when men are around and get warm and fuzzy feels when they see men out with their kids. ('ve never noticed this myself, but you said it, so it must be true)

 

The start of changing this bias is to assume male competency and not accept the concept that he needs to be told what the house needs to keep running.

[preraph]

It's one thing to expect a man to do the same task the exact way you do it, and it's another when a man pretends not to notice it needs to be done. There's a whole lot of "Ignore it and she'll eventually do it herself" going around out there, at least in my 67 years of observation. A lot of men definitely resent doing housework and childcare and think it's women's work. Nowadays, there are a lot more who aren't of that mindset, but I imagine it's still pretty imbalanced.

 

But this is why if it gets unbearable, you don't shoot yourself in the foot and get a divorce and go for full custody or most of the custody and just play into his hand so he gets to see the kids when it's convenient and doesn't actually have to do the daily grind of it all. This is why if it ever gets to that point, you need to make him do 50/50 joint custody, because until he does, he's not ever going to get it or have any respect for what you do.

 

The trash needs to be emptied when the trash is full and that's obvious, and yet this has been a bone of contention with men holding out as long as possible until the woman is boiling mad and tells him she can't make dinner until it's out, for centuries!

 

If you can resolve the issues, resolve them, through counseling or whatever. But if you find yourself in a position where he's like having one big uncooperative bully child and it's simply not pleasant anymore being married to him, don't stay for the kids. They will grow up thinking that's normal and not do any better for themselves.

[Allupinnit]

The societal bias I am seeing reinforced by many here: The idea that he doesn't know what needs to be done and must be told like a child. If men can't figure stuff out for themselves, it's no surprise that women apparently get closer to their kids when men are around and get warm and fuzzy feels when they see men out with their kids. ('ve never noticed this myself, but you said it, so it must be true)

 

The start of changing this bias is to assume male competency and not accept the concept that he needs to be told what the house needs to keep running.

 

Men are capable of literally all of the same things that women are - they just don't process information and multi-task the way women do. Women expect them to think the same, but they are simply wired differently and it's a gruelling uphill battle to finally get to the point of understanding that.

 

However, as a woman to assume that they must be treated like children in order to get them to act like an adult in the home they *also* eat, sleep, shower, poop and everything else a woman does without the responsibility (if she is also working outside of the home) pays a huge disservice to yourself.

 

I have a friend whose husband was a complete disaster around the house when they met and now he is very neat and tidy. She yelled at him a LOT the first year. LOL

[Beendaredonedat]

Well, I suppose that today's mothers and fathers (single or in a marriage/partnership) are to blame for a lot of what you're saying, Basil. If you don't teach our young sons that they need to keep their rooms clean, how to do laundry, how to cook, how to barbeque, how to bathe a baby, how to fix a broken window, how to mow a lawn how and when the garbage needs to be taken out (without being told), how to paint a room, how to change our oil, how he's responsible to change a diaper when he smells poop. yadda, yadda, yadda

then nothing will ever change.

 

Lists of who does what and when is how we as a four decade married couple with children got through it reasonably unscathed. That and positive reinforcement as opposed to nagging and complaining that its not done the way I do it.

 

Adding: I'm having to redo that list since my husband retired he thinks that's retired from every chore as well. Nuh, uh.

[Turning point]

I've been witness to a lot of households that are the opposite of what's been given in this thread to be the rule.

 

These are households where the men are the ones that do literally everything, and absent their intervention the woman would be living as a hoarder. This notion of women nagging the man to take out the trash may be true in television sitcoms but, I'm not seeing it in the households I have a window to.

 

A lot of western women are incredibly selfish, full of entitlement, and often quite full of themselves. Some, thrive on the social narrative and publicly lay claim to all sorts of "women's work" that they in fact, DON'T DO privately. Women's magazines do a great job of sustaining and egging them on.

 

What people align themselves with publicly, the flags they rally around; often do not line up with how they live privately. That's not to ignore the many amazing mother's out there. But, I don't think it is necessary to cast men in these negative stereotypes in order to appreciate moms.

 

Anyone who acts like an ungrateful martyr in the household is going to illicit increasing distance from their spouse rather than sympathetic support. "Woe is me" is not an attitude people like to be around.

Edited August 7, 2019 by Turning point

[Woggle]

I don't know what goes on in your house but there are some marriages where the man can literally do everything and she will still complain that he doesn't do anything. Not saying this is the case in your life but just making an observation. This is why men should not even attempt to please male bashers because it will never be good enough. If more men realized this their lives would be much easier.

[BettyDraper]

All of which are BS because they fail to account for the societal bias imposed on men.

 

Do you know what happens when a dad shows up with his kids at the local playground? The mothers move closer to their kids. There's an immediate air of suspicion, especially should any of their own children try to engage.

 

If he goes to the bank or supermarket with kids in tow, the comments are: "Oh! How sweet, a special day for dad with the kids." Never mind that he shows up 3 times a week, 15 years in a row in front of the same tellers or check out clerks. Their bias doesn't allow them to accept that a man might be the primary caregiver.

 

This permeates every facet of life a man might show up in with his kids. There's no studies that account for that reality.

 

When a father does the smallest thing for his child, he is praised as if he is such a wonderful parent. A father who takes his child to the park or reads a book to his child is put on a pedestal. Women don't get the same amount of praise for all of the mundane tasks associated with motherhood because we are expected to complete them.

 

When a child is not doing well in some way, the mother is usually blamed for the child's troubles. Fathers are not held accountable the way mothers are. That's why so many men refer to taking care of their children as "babysitting".

 

While I agree that men can be primary caregivers, that is the exception and not the rule. Women are typically the custodial parent and the parent who is mostly on call. It's much easier for a man to walk away from his children than it is for a mother. This is due to innate differences between men and women as well as societal pressures.

[BettyDraper]

I've been witness to a lot of households that are the opposite of what's been given in this thread to be the rule.

 

These are households where the men are the ones that do literally everything, and absent their intervention the woman would be living as a hoarder. This notion of women nagging the man to take out the trash may be true in television sitcoms but, I'm not seeing it in the households I have a window to.

 

A lot of western women are incredibly selfish, full of entitlement, and often quite full of themselves. Some, thrive on the social narrative and publicly lay claim to all sorts of "women's work" that they in fact, DON'T DO privately. Women's magazines do a great job of sustaining and egging them on.

 

What people align themselves with publicly, the flags they rally around; often do not line up with how they live privately. That's not to ignore the many amazing mother's out there. But, I don't think it is necessary to cast men in these negative stereotypes in order to appreciate moms.

 

Anyone who acts like an ungrateful martyr in the household is going to illicit increasing distance from their spouse rather than sympathetic support. "Woe is me" is not an attitude people like to be around.

 

I will concede that many women on this side of the pond are entitled and lazy. I have seen many SAHMs who do not cook or clean. They put their children in front of the tv and play on the internet all day long. They don't even bother to shower or wear something other than pajamas. They often use "depression" as an excuse but they find the energy for fun activities such as shopping or lunch with friends. Spouses who stay at home, regardless of gender, have no excuse for dirty homes and lack of nutritious meals. I find it hard to respect anyone who doesn't pull her weight.

 

At the same time, it has been proven that women do more housework and childcare than men whether women are working outside the home or not. Today's fathers do more than fathers of earlier generations but they still don't do as much as women do.

 

The OP seems to have a husband who is trying his best to help her. I agree that her attitude is unhealthy and the controlling behavior will erode her marriage until there is nothing left.

[heartbrokenlady]

My ex husband wanted kids. At least 2. We had the first one and he did nothing. Literally nothing. He changed maybe 4 or 5 nappies in total. He didn't play with her, do anything for her, ever.

 

On top of no childcare, he didn't want to do ANY housework. I might add, we both worked full time. If he did any, it was because I told him to and insisted.

 

When she was 5, he wanted us to have another baby. Nope. Sorry. I didn't sign up for being a single parent.

 

I got sick of him. He wasn't a husband, he was another responsibility. In the end I left, and never regretted leaving.

[basil67]

Spouses who stay at home, regardless of gender, have no excuse for dirty homes and lack of nutritious meals. I find it hard to respect anyone who doesn't pull her weight.

 

Mental health issues are a very good reason why this can happen. Not all people who can't get it together go shopping and to tennis with their friends.