Transparency after an affair

[Pantheon]

I recently ended an affair with someone and realize it was a complete mistake. My marriage had been rocky for some time. There's a lot to unpack but the point is I connected with my AP and she was my escape from the realities of my marriage. It was brief and didn't really develop into anything.

 

I had a moment of clarity, like a slap to the face, when I realized this person wasn't who I thought she was, I was living a lie, and my wife was truly the one I wanted to build a life with. She is amazing and has been so understanding. I feel like a dick and want to do whatever is necessary to repair and build my marriage again.

 

My question is, how much transparency is needed with her? There are details I don't want to share because I'm afraid of hurting her more. Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too. How much truth is too much truth?

Edited August 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Beendaredonedat]

This is something you should be discussing with a marriage counsellor so that she learns to trust you again because you are doing everything in your power to show her that you can be trusted. The therapist will guide you in what you should and shouldn't "have to do" to get that trust back.

 

You should be looking into finding a therapist rather than looking at what you should and shouldn't have to share with her.

 

In my personal opinion, you should do whatever it is she thinks she needs in order to get past the betrayal to a point. If she's using what she gets from you to punish you, then her knowing it all is pointless and will do nothing to help you both get back the emotional connection and trust.

[DKT3]

To rebuild trust you need 100% transparency. It's that simple.

 

If she wants to look she should be able too.

[schlumpy]

If you are sincere about your intentions, then you need to do whatever she needs to get herself into a safe place within the marriage.

 

You've proven yourself untrustworthy and a liar. If she wants to monitor you I don't see how you can reasonably refuse. I agree, it shouldn't be a life sentence but it has to be for an amount of time that allows her to start to rebuild her trust. That space of time will be different for everyone.

 

The best thing for you both is to be under the guidance of a good marriage counselor who can manage the process.

 

Good luck and I hope you are successful.

[mark clemson]

If you have not yet disclosed and she has no knowledge of the affair, then I suggest you think carefully about what you intend to accomplish by telling her and weigh that against the risk you take - e.g. what you expect your wife's reaction to be, etc. I also suggest you speak with a family attorney, as in a few states infidelity can substantially impact any divorce settlement. This only applies to a few states, but IMO is quite relevant to your decision if you happen to live in one...

 

If you have already disclosed the affair and/or she knows about it, then I have no specific advice for you - others will do a great job in explaining their points of view...

 

There are many good reasons and potential benefits to disclosing. There are also good reasons not too IMO and I've found they tend to get under-emphasized around here. In my view the two sides of the decision should be weighed in each individual case...

[Buffer]

I recently ended an affair with someone and realize it was a complete mistake...

I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too...

 

First off brother the truth and full truth is needed. It isn’t about you, it is about her and her healing after your betrayal. She may want full disclosure or just need snippets, again it is about her and what she needs to begin the roller coaster ride of emotions to see if she can or will undertake R or D.

It can’t be “I don’t want”, no bad WH, you don’t understand this is to show her that you are on board with R and that you are trying to win her trust back. Hence the phone and media access, notification on your movements etc so she knows you aren’t with your affair partner or are not colluding to start the A again.

Her mind movies will have you two all doing all the porn moves that you never did with her, if asked please tell her. But tell her that once heard it cannot be unheard. Have a PG version and if pressed provide the version she requested. She needs to know. It isn’t about you it is about her, her trust, her heart, her mind, her self worth have been shattered by your actions.

You have to show her why she should stay with her cheating partner, not because you say you love her, she needs so much support.

IC can help both for her and you. MC after as well but no hidden truth or lies (to spare her feelings) this will just reopen her wounds and it will be like DD all over again, no TT please.

R is hopeful but just how committed will be up to you , your action and words.

Good luck.

[elaine567]

I need to get on with my life too.

 

This is a common "cheater" position.

It's all over, let's not dwell on it...

 

BUT this may take 3-5+ years for your wife to get "over it", if she ever does fully.

There will many questions, many bad times ahead, and you are going to have to prove to your wife she can now trust you and that usually involves full transparency.

[Mr. Lucky]

my wife was truly the one I wanted to build a life with. She is amazing and has been so understanding. I feel like a dick and want to do whatever is necessary to repair and build my marriage again.

 

I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too.

 

These are conflicting and incompatible positions.

 

Pick one of the two...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time.

Pantheon,

 

I would say to give her what she asks for...but only after you have received her assurance that she will do her best to not generate any new/increased feelings of anger,

sadness, bitterness, grief, etc., based on any new information/details that you give her.

 

She does have her own part to play and take responsibility for, in her own healing.

 

You don't actually have the knowledge, wisdom or insight into her conscious and subconscious, to know what might or might not 'hurt her more', so withholding on that basis is not actually valid.

 

If you feel that you are being treated like a child or like a prisoner, then you do need to stop that situation. You need to both work together to find the respectful, loving, compassionate,

understanding, charitable boundaries that will encompass the environment in which you can, together, heal as individuals and as a couple.

 

Wishing you both the best.

[pepperbird]

Op, I know it may seem fundamentally unfair to you. You know the A is over and that you regret it, won't do do it again, whatever. The thing is, your wife doesn't know that. She isn't able to read your mind. All she has to go on is her experience so far, and you've shown her that you can't be trusted...at least for now.

 

That will hopefully change. I once heard that trust is like a bank. It takes along time to build up a significant savings, and once you with draw them, they are gone and you have to make deposits over time to build it up again. This comes through a series of small actions and being open with her, talking as much as you can, even if it's hard and not hiding anything form her she asks about.

 

She is an adult. If she asks about something, tell her. The reality is usually far better than what the mind creates when it doesn't know.

 

My spouse used to be the only other person in this whole world I trusted. 100 percent. I don't trust him that way anymore. I can't. Self protection and all. That doesn't mean I don't love him or trust him 99 percent, it will just never have that completeness again. That was a very painful loss.

 

You sound like a decent guy, and I think you can understand this. It's going to be a lot of heavy lifting for you, but in the end, if you two can make it, you may well have a marriage that will last. My spouse cheated 10 years ago, and we're still together and happy. In fact, or 22nd anniversary is coming up this month.

[pepperbird]

Pantheon,

 

I would say to give her what she asks for...but only after you have received her assurance that she will do her best to not generate any new/increased feelings of anger,

sadness, bitterness, grief, etc., based on any new information/details that you give her.

 

 

I'm sorry, but how can she make a promise like that? Is she supposed to just put up with all of his crap, smile on her face and endure it?

 

She is NOT his therapist. She is allowed to have her feelings about his actions, and if he can't handle that, then he needs to decide if reconciliation is really what he wants.

 

It's not just about her lashing out. If she bottles up all her hurt and anger to spare his feelings it may well come out later in a far worse way.

 

Op, I'm not saying you should accept abusive behvaior. What I am saying is that accepting her pain and grief is part and parcel of reconciling. Would you feel differently if it was her who cheated and asked you to not develop new anger or grief as the whole truth comes out?

[understand50]

It is always better to give out all the information your spouse wants about your Affair. Better, she knows the truth from you, not from someone else or her imagination. Once things are known, you can then work on the problems and not be cought up in her trying to find out what happened. Better for a short sharp hurt, then a long drawn out one. Lastly, if you will not tell her everything she needs to know, how can she ever trust you again?

 

I wish you luck...

[karmaisabitotch]

I recently ended an affair with someone and realize it was a complete mistake. My marriage had been rocky for some time. There's a lot to unpack but the point is I connected with my AP and she was my escape from the realities of my marriage. It was brief and didn't really develop into anything. I had a moment of clarity, like a slap to the face, when I realized this person wasn't who I thought she was, I was living a lie, and my wife was truly the one I wanted to build a life with. She is amazing and has been so understanding. I feel like a dick and want to do whatever is necessary to repair and build my marriage again. My question is, how much transparency is needed with her? There are details I don't want to share because I'm afraid of hurting her more. Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too. How much truth is too much truth?

 

 

You do what you can and you seem you're willing to work on your marriage but since you told her your mistake, then now it's up to her that means you're in her hand now, she doesn't trust you now as the trust has broken which needs to be earned back requiring time and effort.

 

Of course you feel like you're treated like a kid and policed because you're not trusted now, your wife will suspect your every move.

If you want to work on your marriage, patience is a must.

[Bittersweetie]

After my d-day, my H asked for my passwords, which I gave. He also asked that I text him when I arrived at work/school/etc. It rankled me at first, I fully admit. Then I realized I needed to reframe it: it wasn't him trying to police me...it was a chance for me, in small steps, to rebuild trust. To him, my word was shot. Why would he believe what I said? But when I said I was going to class, then I texted him I was at class, it rebuilt a small, tiny bit of trust back for both of us. The bank metaphor is a good one...after d-day I was rebuilding my savings one penny at a time.

 

If you truly want to reconcile with your wife and rebuild the marriage, you are going to have to be open and honest. Give your wife the answers she asks for. Do the things she needs to help her feel safe with you. Be humble and vulnerable because she is giving you the gift of a second chance, which not everyone receives.

 

The main thing is to work together, and if a counselor can help you with that, then do it. My H and I worked through things ourselves though we did each have our own individual counselor. It is a hard road but if the true work is done, rewarding. And ten years later, my H still has my passwords...I have no idea if he checks stuff, I don't really care, I have nothing to hide. I also still text him when I go places...not to be "policed" but because we stay connected and are open with each other.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

My question is, how much transparency is needed with her? There are details I don't want to share because I'm afraid of hurting her more. Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too. How much truth is too much truth?

 

By cheating, you lost your wife's trust and faith in you so if she needs to monitor your phone and email then let her do just that. You don't get a say in this since you created the mistrust and betrayed her. If you truly have nothing to hide and if you want your wife to trust you again, be an open book on every level and that means answering uncomfortable questions that may hurt her. She wants the truth and that includes details of sex with the other woman.

 

You're lucky that she is willing to give you a second chance.

[Doorstopper]

I feel like a dick and want to do whatever is necessary to repair and build my marriage again. My question is, how much transparency is needed with her? There are details I don't want to share because I'm afraid of hurting her more. Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too. How much truth is too much truth?

 

100% transparency with no minimization. I think its ok to have a conversation about whether or not your wife want to know every intimate detail, and how that could affect her, but its her decision. I think that that is also something that should be "slept on" or thought about for a few days. Its like toothpaste, you know what's going to come out, but once its out, its never going back in.

 

The most important thing IMHO: Do not omit or minimize anything. Do this once, and your wife will be wondering, if she got the truth. Do it twice, and it will add years to the the time to reconcile.

 

Policing: Your wife is going to police you until you make her feel safe. Safe that you are not going to cheat again. This means so much more than clean text and phone records. This is about love and understanding; Understanding that you destroyed her life, and are willing do anything to repair the relationship. Step 1 is to stop thinking you are being treated like a kid or policed.

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry, but how can she make a promise like that?

The promise is "...that she will do her best...", because, "She does have her own part to play and take responsibility for, in her own healing."

 

Most people don't mind making a promise to do their best; and all truly self-determining adults should be able to and want to take responsibility for how they express their own feelings,

including of hurt, anger, emotional pain, disappointment.

 

Quoting me out of context doesn't change any of that.

[pepperbird]

The promise is "...that she will do her best...", because, "She does have her own part to play and take responsibility for, in her own healing."

 

Most people don't mind making a promise to do their best; and all truly self-determining adults should be able to and want to take responsibility for how they express their own feelings,

including of hurt, anger, emotional pain, disappointment.

 

Quoting me out of context doesn't change any of that.

 

 

I'm not tryng to quibble, but this is your words "I would say to give her what she asks for...but only after you have received her assurance that she will do her best to not generate any new/increased feelings of anger,

sadness, bitterness, grief, etc., based on any new information/details that you give her." ( quote taken from post number 9 in this thread).

 

 

Really think about what you're saying. She is being asked to keep herself calm and cool ( or at least try to) while he dumps who knows what on her lap.

One thing the marriage counselor we saw told us is that it's perfectly normal and actually healthy for a BS to be angry, hurt, bitter whatever. A bs is allowed to have whatever feelings they have. Her job is NOT to keep herself from feeling these emotions, but to address them once they occur.

 

It could be we are saying the same thing though. It's not the feelings but what she does about them?

[Ronni_W]

It could be we are saying the same thing though. It's not the feelings but what she does about them?

pepperbird,

 

That's exactly right. Of course she gets to feel all her feelings...and OP should expect that there'll be hurt, tears, etc.

 

I was speaking to the situation where he is giving her details because she has specifically asked for them...not where he's surprising her with or 'dumping' new stuff on her,

but where she is ready and expecting to hear some crappy stuff (because she's asked to hear about it).

 

Second, everything is already bad enough...but it's easy to let additional details turn the primary problem and pain of betrayal into an even bigger 'monster' than it already was

(before new details were added.) To me, it is on the person who is asking for those details to at least be aware of, and prepared for, the potential negative impact of receiving new details...

...and to do their best to not let it add to or become just another obstacle that the couple and each of the individuals have to overcome. (Hope this all helps to clarify it.)

[heartwhole2]

The question is, why wouldn't you be transparent in a marriage? Do you often do things that you don't want your wife to know about?

 

My life is an open book. I don't do things that would embarrass me if they were in the public eye. And my husband isn't the public anyway . . . he's my best friend and partner, and his life is intertwined with mine.

 

If you feel like you are being treated like a child or policed after infidelity, then you need to work on your attitude. Your wife has graciously given you a second chance, but you're trying to keep a few things hidden so that you get more freedom? It sounds to me like you're acting like a child, so why shouldn't you be treated like one?

 

It's very common for cheaters to engage in "trickle truth" where they reveal pertinent details slowly and only when forced to. This makes rebuilding trust 100x more difficult. It's a self-defeating approach because you are sabotaging the reconciliation you claim you are so thankful for. The truth is that you're still trying to control things, you're still living like the rules don't apply to you, you still think it's OK to lie to get what you want.

 

You're the one who chose to do despicable things. That doesn't mean lying is warranted. If you weren't OK with lying, imagine how much kinder and stronger and respectable you'd be. Having lying as a handy "get out of jail free card" means you keep doing things that warrant sending you to jail. Don't be that guy. Be someone better.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no disclosing of an affair that is not brutally painful and humiliating to the other person. Holding back or withholding details does not soften the blow any more than a doctor's kind voice (as opposed to a casual voice) softens the blow of a cancer diagnosis.

 

Basically you have to answer all her questions. And yes, she may ask questions that are painful to hear ... I think that's inevitable and OK and part of the process ... because the big picture is she needs to be absolutely certain of the reality of the affair ... what happened, when, where and all of that--in order to ground her forgiveness so that she can feel safe going forward.

 

When you've been cheated on and you don't know it, learning about it throws your entire sense of reality out of whack. You realize you were completely clueless and uninformed and ignorant about the relationship and about your partner and about yourself. So the person who has been cheated on ... usually needs all the details ... in order to recover a sense of reality.

 

People, couples, can get past affairs, but there is not short cut or painless way to do so. And her paranoia may go on for awhile ... but people can move past that and build a new relationship. BTW: you're talking about a multi-year process of rebuilding trust. So you might have to show your phone, etc., for the first year ... but eventually, if you guys really work things out, she will cease wanting to do that.

 

I can't tell: have you disclosed or are you planning to disclose? And are you in marriage counseling. You really do want counseling to get through this process.

[Melrose78]

You need serious counseling. By yourself and together.

You need to understand why you had the affair in the first place. Or you risk repeating it.

During counseling you can both discuss how you move forward. I'm going through the emotions of being cheated on. And I have to say I hope she doesn't allow you to get past this without serious consequences!

[aliveagain]

I recently ended an affair with someone and realize it was a complete mistake. My marriage had been rocky for some time. There's a lot to unpack but the point is I connected with my AP and she was my escape from the realities of my marriage. It was brief and didn't really develop into anything. I had a moment of clarity, like a slap to the face, when I realized this person wasn't who I thought she was, I was living a lie, and my wife was truly the one I wanted to build a life with. She is amazing and has been so understanding. I feel like a dick and want to do whatever is necessary to repair and build my marriage again. My question is, how much transparency is needed with her? There are details I don't want to share because I'm afraid of hurting her more. Should I give her all access to my phone or accounts (passwords, social media, etc)? I don't have anything left to hide but I don't want to be treated like her kid or be policed all the time. I need to get on with my life too. How much truth is too much truth?

 

 

You need to tell her everything that she asks you for and do not minimize, do not lie by omission, do not blame shift and if you really want any hope of reconciliation, do not trickle truth. Second chances are earned so earn it by being honest. She needs to feel safe with you, right now everything about you is a lie and by withholding information or not giving her access to all your devices and passwords it's further proof that you are a risky partner. If you want a chance at saving your marriage you will accept being policed because she can't trust you, you've proved that to her without a shadow of a doubt. It is her decision when she stops, not yours. The easiest thing for her to do at this time is to dump your cheating a$$ rather then spend years making things work with you so loose the "I don't want to be treated like a kid BS."

 

Your life could be a hell of a lot worse right now. You could be supporting two households, paying child and spousal support on the same salary you have now.

[SolG]

Hi Pantheon. Do you see the hypocrisy in stating that you "don't want to be treated like her kid", but at the same time seeming intent on treating your W like a child by determining what it is she should or shouldn't know about your A?

 

Yes, revelation is going to hurt; probably both of you in the process. But your W, as an adult with agency, is best placed to determine what she needs, and doesn't need to know (preferably under the guidance of a MC).

 

Good luck with your R.

[ladykita]

It takes complete forgiveness to get through an affair. Whatever she feels she needs to forgive you, you should try to fulfill.