Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) Wife confessed that she cheated before marriage. She was remorseful/regretted it and was crying when she told me. Saying I didn’t love him I love you. He was small, sex wasn’t good as it was quick. He was showing me attention and affection. We got together at a very young age in our teens in the year 2000 and been together since. We got married in the fall of 2010 and currently have kids. Her reasons were I was always gone a lot (due to work but now I have a different job) and didn’t show her attention or affection as she felt neglected. She told me this about 5 years ago in 2014 but the cheating occurred in 2003. She said they had sex a couple of times and gave him oral within a month December 2003 and that was it. However I did my own research and found out that they had sex also in the summer of 2004. She was pregnant and miscarried in February 2005 with me being by her side the whole process. I found out after doing some research that after her losing the baby in 2005 is when they became friends right after. I am not 100 percent sure if there were sex still going on up to that point of losing the baby (from summer 2004 to feb 2005) or if there were Any sex after losing the baby. I will have to do more research to find this out but I am thinking yes they were still having sex but not sure how much (my research is asking a trustworthy person) What’s your thoughts on if sex was still going on base on my research about being friends right after? I confronted her on all this but denies it. I feel like she gave me only the trickle truth. Ever since she confessed I think about this everyday and want to know the full truth. Marriage has been good and no signs of cheating but I know she has not told me the whole truth (from my research) so it makes me think she may be lying about other things or not taking this serious. I do know this happen along time ago but i still have a difficult time with this. I heard I shouldn’t know all details like was the sex amazing, positions or was he better. Based on reading articles everyone says affair sex is amazing because of the newness. I must admit I have been a little insecure about if he’s better sexually than me ? Does she think about him ?Can a person have a long term affair and not love the person? However I definitely want to know when it started, was it unprotected , how many sexual encounters, did she love him, could he be a possible father and when did it end (duration). Are those details okay to know? I thought about getting a divorce or just try to work it out . Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Her reasons or excuses for cheating are BS. All cheaters find a reason to try and justify their behavior. Shes blame shifting onto you. As for the truth. All cheaters lie a lot so you probably got the sanitized version at best. Sorry you're here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) There's no right or wrong answer, there's only what works for you. Have you considered marriage counseling? Welcome to LoveShack, sorry it's under these circumstances... Mr. Lucky Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Request that she write out a timeline of the affair to the best of her memory from the beginning to the end. It will give you a baseline to work from. Best Wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Request that she write out a timeline of the affair to the best of her memory from the beginning to the end. It will give you a baseline to work from. Best Wishes Polygraph test time. Scheduling a Poly very often yields a parking lot confession. Also have STD tests done and DNA tests for the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 What she is telling is bs. I have been deployed several times over the years when I was in the military, my wife never cheated. I am sure you got lonely as well, did you cheat on her? I would divorce if I was you. This wasn’t a one time mistake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 So next time she gets lonely her solution is to just cheat again on you? Her moral compass is broken. You can’t fix that for her... it’s who she is. Dna testing the kids. Get tested for diseases and see an attorney to see what your rights are (after the dna results). Does your wife work? If so... full time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) What Schlumpy said, but also some more info so others may provide you with more guidance due to their experience with infidelity. How long have you known about the PA? Are they still in in contact with each other? Did it happen in your home whilst you were away working? Do you feel you need to DNA your children (if any)? Would she take a Polygraph to satisfy you mind? You definitely need the information to move forward for R or D. Having her trickle truth you is only prolonging the hurt/recovery. But remember once said it cannot be un heard. So what would you do if she says ‘great sex, better porn positions as well bigger’ etc. Also she is blaming you as you were working. Never accept this, as she laid with him, did those things, and to justify this she says ‘you were working away, he was nicer to me’. She has been lying to you from the start of your marriage. Good luck with this I hope you can work and stay together. Edited August 6, 2019 by Buffer Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 I thought about getting a divorce or just try to work it out . Get into IC. Talk it out. Get it clear in your mind. Find out what YOU want from life, then make the decision. Walking away from a marriage and kids is not easy, especially since you got together so young and this has been your whole life. Trickle truth is the norm. She doesn't want to lose you so she lies by omission, fearful that some little piece of info will cause you to leave. It was long ago too, how is she supposed to remember every little detail now? You just want "the truth", but when will "the truth" actually be enough? And is "the truth" even relevant now, 15 years later? Who is this "trustworthy person" feeding you info about your wife's affair?... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 If the sex was so crap then why did she keep doing it? She makes it sound like it was a one time thing, a mistake, but what she had was a full blown affair. She's clearly BSing you that it was crap and she clearly enjoyed it. She cannot be trusted now. What if you have to go away for some reason, will she jump back into bed with him? That's if she even stopped sleeping with him to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Let's get real for a minute. If I read your post correctly: You say you've been together since your were teens. All of this "cheating" (I'm not fully invested in using this term) occurred before you got married, and at a time where you admit being largely unavailable. If she was already pregnant by you in 2004, and still without a commitment - I don't see where you have a leg to stand on here. You didn't marry her until 2010 - long after she had already had a miscarriage. You're the one she married, and it appears your wife voluntarily told you about something she didn't have to, is that correct? If so, you've been given a gift; the opportunity to be trusted with her innermost pain and decide what stuff your made of. Who do you want to be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Swingen Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 You were both very different people 15 years ago, especially if you were teenagers back then. You weren't married. Most people have 'grey' periods between relationships or at the start of new ones when they are seeing different people. I can't believe you are making such a fuss about this. You are talking about ending your marriage and breaking up your family over what happened before you were married??? I think you need to grow up and realise isn't black and white, there are more choices in life than people on here yelling "divorce, divorce" and that old chestnut "once a cheater always a cheater". My advice. Go to a marriage counsellor and stop being so immature. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 That’s a good idea about asking her to write out a timeline. Like I said she said sex was a couple times and Oral in December 2003. I found out from another person they had sex in summer 2004 and in feb 2005 she was pregnant miscarriage. The person who told me said after the she miscarriage in feb 2005 is when they became just friends. Hearing this makes me think it was still going on up to pregnancy .So I would really want to know if sex was going on from summer 04 to when she got pregnant. Wife said no it was over by then and sticks to her story of a couple of times in December 2004. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) How long have you known about the PA? Are they still in in contact with each other? Did it happen in your home whilst you were away working? Do you feel you need to DNA your children (if any)? Would she take a Polygraph to satisfy you mind? Answering buffer questions The affair happen 15 years ago when we just graduated from high school. I’ve know about the affair 5 years. She admits she is the reason why she did what she did . She thought I was cheating because not being home. We wasn’t married at the time . They have not been in communication . Who do I need to contact for polygraph test ? Cost ? Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) You were both very different people 15 years ago, especially if you were teenagers back then.. You are correct it was a long time ago. We live in a small town and I know other people know but just don’t say anything to me. I know the other guy as we all went to school together and his his inner circle of friends . One of the friends I seen quite often and triggers memories. I do want to work it out and maybe counseling is the best thing. But I only know the trickle truth of what happen and it will be hard to get over when I know she is lieing. Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Answering buffer questions The affair happen 15 years ago when we just graduated from high school. I’ve know about the affair 5 years. She admits she is the reason why she did what she did . She thought I was cheating because not being home. We wasn’t married at the time . They have not been in communication . Who do I need to contact for polygraph test ? Cost ? Married or not, cheating is cheating when you're in a relationship. She is projecting what she did on to you by saying she thought you were cheating while you were away. She is trying to justify her behavior, but I would never trust her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) You say you've been together since your were teens. All of this "cheating" (I'm not fully invested in using this term) occurred before you got married, and at a time where you admit being largely unavailable. If she was already pregnant by you in 2004, and still without a commitment - I don't see where you have a leg to stand on here. You didn't marry her until 2010 - long after she had already had a miscarriage. She said sex occurred December 2003 only: I found out sex happen at least one time in summer 2004 She said she was pregnant by me in 2005. I am not sure if it was by me or not as I found out that after pregnancy in 2005 is when they started to become friends. She was my girlfriend at the time as we got married in 2010. I feel like there is some missing pieces and I want to know how long was this going on . Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) Get into IC. Talk it out. Get it clear in your mind. Find out what YOU want from life, then make the decision. Walking away from a marriage and kids is not easy, especially since you got together so young and this has been your whole life. I feel like the truth is relevant now if she is lieing about details . The details I want to know when did sex start, how many times and when did it end . She was pregnant and miscarried in 2005 . I want to know if he could have been a possible father . She said sex only occurred December 2003 but I found out sex happen at least once in summer 2004 and they were still communicating when she was pregnant . I asked her did she love him she said no but she did like him and he had my attention. I’d rather here if from her then someone else. By me knowing the truth I can try to forgive. If she is lieing I feel like she is not taking this matter seriously and try to sweep it under the rug Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 ... but I would never trust her again. Why not? She cheated in HS for Gods sake... Young people tend to cheat as they lack impulse control, they are easily flattered, their hormones are raging, empathy is lacking and they don't care a damn... Once they grow up they often become model citizens... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Swingen Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 A polygraph is an awful way to go. She's not the mafia and you're not the FBI! Find a marriage counsellor and go and talk things through. Go together, talk through your marriage, find solutions together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 If the sex was so crap then why did she keep doing it? She makes it sound like it was a one time thing, a mistake, but what she had was a full blown affair. She's clearly BSing you that it was crap and she clearly enjoyed it. She cannot be trusted now. What if you have to go away for some reason, will she jump back into bed with him? That's if she even stopped sleeping with him to begin with. She said they had sex 2x in a month and she did have an orgasm. She also gave him oral. I found out they had sex at least one other time few months later. She said she didn’t like it, he’s small, pumps real fast like a jack rabbit, he cums quick . Then she says the affair was exciting , fear of getting caught , behind your back , being with someone new . I have some insecurities . You know what they say affair sex is amazing . I feel like he was better in the bed . As for the other guy I know how guys think if i get a chance to have sex one time then i want to give my best performance so I can continue . If she lets me have sex with her again then she likes my sex better. I know the other guy personally and he’s cocky I know he probably told my wife which was girlfriend at the time I can do you better than your man . Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Why not? She cheated in HS for Gods sake... Young people tend to cheat as they lack impulse control, they are easily flattered, their hormones are raging, empathy is lacking and they don't care a damn... Once they grow up they often become model citizens... So it shouldn't matter just because they were young? That's rediculous. Age doesn't matter and she was mature enough to know what she was doing and that it was wrong. She cheated while in a relationship, multiple times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) She said they had sex 2x in a month and she did have an orgasm. She also gave him oral. I found out they had sex at least one other time few months later. She said she didn’t like it, he’s small, pumps real fast like a jack rabbit, he cums quick . Then she says the affair was exciting , fear of getting caught , behind your back , being with someone new... Stop overthinking. It'll get you nowhere. It doesn't matter if she orgasmed. Doesn't matter how good he was or wasn't, or how small he or big he was, all those things you constantly mention are irrelevant. What's important is that it happened, multiple times behind your back. There's only one question, can you live with her knowing what she did and can you trust her anymore? If the trust has gone then there isn't much of a future. Edited August 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 All these details you are obsessed with I guess are to do with retroactive jealousy. Google it Get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 She thought I was cheating because not being home. We wasn’t married at the time . Diggity11, I'm curious if you had sex with anyone else in the 7 years you were dating before you got married in 2010? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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