d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 If she has been faithful DURING the marriage, find a way to work through this. In 2003 you were both young. She made a mistake. By the time you married, things were better, right? Get some counseling. Work together to rebuild trust. Yes, you have a right to be upset but I think you can get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 So it shouldn't matter just because they were young? That's rediculous. Age doesn't matter and she was mature enough to know what she was doing and that it was wrong. She cheated while in a relationship, multiple times. Yes She cheated with one guy when she was 19 two times as she told me it happen in dec 04. I found out they did it again when she was 20 about 8 months summer 04 later in which she denies. Also when she was 21 in feb 2005 she was pregnant and I heard right after losing the baby they became just friends, I am not 100 percent sure if sex was going on from summer 04 to February 05 but I would think so based on comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 6, 2019 Author Share Posted August 6, 2019 Mr. lucky, No I never had sexual intercourse with another woman. The only thing I did was kiss another girl in which I told her the next day I did years ago before we were married. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 I can tell you what not to do... Don't look up an old love and have sex with her just to get revenge. My grandma told me... once a cheater always a cheater. My xMM proved this to be true. She told me this when I was a teenager and I was dating him. It turns out I have always been the OW with my xMM even when we were teenagers he was sneaking around with me behind his gf back. I had totally forgot about this until my xMM told me about how he a had taken some girl (me) to the movies and was busted by his gf father. He cheated on his 1st wife... was busted by one of his kids. So when he looked me up... he was on his 2nd wife when he learned that she cheated on him before marriage... so he looked me up and pursued me as revenge. He told me this after we had sex. Talk about being hurt! Up to that point I was thinking he cared about me and was in an unhappy marriage. After all his brother and my bestie were telling me the marriage was ending. But really it just turns out he is a cheater... always has been always will be... My grandma was right. It sounds like she has been a long time cheater even if it was just once a year... it still spans a period of years. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 (edited) You need to man up here and get real. The only timeline that matters is the one that starts TODAY. You had no business expecting her to act like a dutiful wife right out of high school. I say "act like" because YOU WERE NOT MARRIED at the time. Neither of you was mature enough to even have, let alone act on these expectations you are framing now, 15 years in hindsight. I'll just say it: "She didn't cheat on you." Forget about the timeline and forget about the details. LIVE IN THE PRESENT. If you can't do that than let her go, because she deserves better. Telling you was a show of respect, show some in return. If you continue to drag up her past and lord it over her you will lose her, ...and for what? Foolish pride? Edited August 6, 2019 by Turning point 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) I feel like there is some missing pieces... There's one: you're girlfriend isn't Snow White. Boo-Hoo. Time to grow up and appreciate the less than Disney perfect woman who is now your wife and do right by those kids. The best way you can do that is to stop talking and start LISTENING to her. Do you know what makes Prince Charming so charming? He doesn't start each day by interrogating his wife about the 7 single men she was sharing a tree-house with before he married her. Edited August 7, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Why not? She cheated in HS for Gods sake... Young people tend to cheat as they lack impulse control, they are easily flattered, their hormones are raging, empathy is lacking and they don't care a damn... Once they grow up they often become model citizens... This was not a lack of impulse control. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 All these details you are obsessed with I guess are to do with retroactive jealousy. Google it Get help. The details are because his wife cheated on him. To OP it is like it just happened. Are you seriously going to say he is jealous of a guy she use to date when she cheated on him. Retroactive jealously is being jealous of a previous partner not the person she was cheating with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 The details are because his wife cheated on him. Actually, his high school GF cheated on him. She was a child, subject to all the missteps we all make in our late teens. I saw each of my kids deal with the same responsibilities and bad decisions, very different than the fine adults they turned out to be, Diggity11, how would you characterize your wife's role in your marriage? Loyal wife? Good mother? Committed partner in life? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) Yes She cheated with one guy when she was 19 two times as she told me it happen in dec 04. I found out they did it again when she was 20 about 8 months summer 04 later in which she denies. Also when she was 21 in feb 2005 she was pregnant and I heard right after losing the baby they became just friends, I am not 100 percent sure if sex was going on from summer 04 to February 05 but I would think so based on comments. It doesn't matter when it happened or how many times it happened. It happened and that's all there is to it. The details are irrelevant but you cant seem to let go of them. Either you will stay with her and try and get past it, or leave if you don't think you can trust her anymore. Edited August 7, 2019 by Maddie82 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 This was not a lack of impulse control. How do you know? She was a stupid kid at the time. This was 15 years ago... The past is the past, we can't change it. He now has a responsibility to his kids and building a future, NOT obsessing about the size of some other kid's dick 15 years ago... Maybe she should abandon everything too, due to the fact the OP "kissed" another girl when he was young and foolish... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 How do you know? She was a stupid kid at the time. This was 15 years ago... The past is the past, we can't change it. He now has a responsibility to his kids and building a future, NOT obsessing about the size of some other kid's dick 15 years ago... Maybe she should abandon everything too, due to the fact the OP "kissed" another girl when he was young and foolish... She was 19, a full grown adult who knew what she was doing. She went behind his back. No excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 People's brains don't stop maturing till they are 25. It's why so many young people take enormous risks. It's why car insurance companies put such high premiums on young people. Given this, I would argue that a 19yo is actually pretty immature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 She was 19, a full grown adult who knew what she was doing. She went behind his back. No excuses. OK so he went behind her back... no excuses... This is all utter nonsense. HS shenanigans that should be left in the past where they belong. There are some little kids who need their parents involved here, stop fanning the flames. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 OK so he went behind her back... no excuses... This is all utter nonsense. HS shenanigans that should be left in the past where they belong. There are some little kids who need their parents involved here, stop fanning the flames. She was past the high school age and it was more than just shenanigans if it went on multiple times after. She was not a child in the slightest. She knew exactly what she was doing. That fact that she has suddenly decided to tell him now after all this time tells me that something has happened recently, that maybe this guy has come back on the scene or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 That fact that she has suddenly decided to tell him now Actually: She told me this about 5 years ago in 2014 but the cheating occurred in 2003. Diggity11, your choice is pretty simple, don't think there's much middle ground: - blow up your current life and family and start the next chapter as a divorced father and single man - use some of the available tools - counseling, etc. - to put this in perspective and make your marriage stronger What I wouldn't do is stay married and use resentment as a club to beat your spouse over the head. Doesn't do either of you any good. As always, up to you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 She was out of high school we were both 19 and neither had a lot of sexual experiences from others since we got together in high school. I do trust my wife since we’ve been married as she hasn’t gave me any reasons to think differently. She is good to me and a great mother. I give her attention and affection and show my love for her . I admit when we were 19 I didn’t always do that. I am not worried about the other guys dick size or was it her best sex ever . I can assume the answer to that as she did it more than once. I know she cheated but I am struggling with the lies - as far as she admits 2x in dec 04 and oral once at the age of 19. But I found out at least once in summer 04 at the age of 20 in which she Denies . She got pregnant in feb 05 at age 21 and miscarried. I found out that after she got pregnant that’s when They became just friends. Now I don’t know for sure if sex was going on from summer 04 to feb 05 . But based on the info provided I would say yes. So that’s why I want her to come clean and tell me the truth about the number of times and duration. That’s what I am struggling with the most. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Actually, his high school GF cheated on him. She was a child, subject to all the missteps we all make in our late teens. I saw each of my kids deal with the same responsibilities and bad decisions, very different than the fine adults they turned out to be, Diggity11, how would you characterize your wife's role in your marriage? Loyal wife? Good mother? Committed partner in life? Mr. Lucky Bs The girl he married cheated on him several times before they got married. Age hasn’t got anything to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 The lies are what will eat at you. If you can schedule a polygraph test and ask some questions. Talk with the person that runs the test and explain what is going on, they should help you form the questions. Don’t tell your wife where you are going when it is time until you pull into the parking lot. Then tell her what is going on and that she has one chance to tell the whole truth before going in. Then have her do the test. If she refuses then you know she has been lying to you your entire marriage. Also dna test your kids just to show your wife how much your trust in her is gone. They are young and would know what’s up. You get the results back in a few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 How do you know? She was a stupid kid at the time. This was 15 years ago... The past is the past, we can't change it. He now has a responsibility to his kids and building a future, NOT obsessing about the size of some other kid's dick 15 years ago... Maybe she should abandon everything too, due to the fact the OP "kissed" another girl when he was young and foolish... But he sure can divorce her lying azz. Like he said it’s the lies that are the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Actually, his high school GF cheated on him. She was a child, subject to all the missteps we all make in our late teens. I saw each of my kids deal with the same responsibilities and bad decisions, very different than the fine adults they turned out to be, Diggity11, how would you characterize your wife's role in your marriage? Loyal wife? Good mother? Committed partner in life? Mr. Lucky Me Lucky I have nothing at all against your kids. This went on from 19 to her early 20’s. She knew better. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 How do you know? She was a stupid kid at the time. This was 15 years ago... The past is the past, we can't change it. He now has a responsibility to his kids and building a future, NOT obsessing about the size of some other kid's dick 15 years ago... Maybe she should abandon everything too, due to the fact the OP "kissed" another girl when he was young and foolish... Let’s see him kissing another girl and being honest about it vs. her having sex with another guy on and off for years then lying about it. Ya I can see how the two are the same. I think your right, she should leave him for the kiss. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Is your wife still friends with the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 To USA1ah No she has no communication with him. He moved to a different town . Based on information provided do you think sex happen or was going on between summer 04 and feb 05? If a woman had an affair for over a year could they be in love , infatuation or Limerence? She only admits the affair was in one month. What about if the affair was on and off for 2 years ? Just curios I never been in a situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Based on information provided do you think sex happen or was going on between summer 04 and feb 05? If a woman had an affair for over a year could they be in love , infatuation or Limerence? She only admits the affair was in one month. What about if the affair was on and off for 2 years ? Just curios I never been in a situation like this. Based on information provided, there is no definitive answer. But the answer to the question, "could they have been having sex, in love (or lust or whatever)," yes of course. If they were having sex in December I'd say it's probable they were having sex in the summer and as long as the association continued. It's also probable that she's creating the narrative to minimize the involvement. Affairs are all about the sex –– in affairs people don't just quit doing sex and become buddies. Once it starts, it continues. But does any of that really matter? You know enough to decide whether you want to be in or out. She'll always try to minimize it. Your choice doesn't ride on these details; it rides on whether you can let it go and be happy with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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