usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Why not? She cheated in HS for Gods sake... Young people tend to cheat as they lack impulse control, they are easily flattered, their hormones are raging, empathy is lacking and they don't care a damn... Once they grow up they often become model citizens... No she cheated on him in college. 19 to 21/22 years of age. She could have been cheating their entire marriage as far as OP knows. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 To USA1ah No she has no communication with him. He moved to a different town . Based on information provided do you think sex happen or was going on between summer 04 and feb 05? If a woman had an affair for over a year could they be in love , infatuation or Limerence? She only admits the affair was in one month. What about if the affair was on and off for 2 years ? Just curios I never been in a situation like this. I have seen it both was. I have friends that have been cheated on and ex friends that cheated. What I have seen is that when an affair stops so does the communication between the two. The remaining friends afterwards is a WTF moment. Diggity you have to come to terms with what you can and cannot live with. No one on here can do that for you. There are only a few ways for you to get the true and they all have the possibility of ending your marriage. I have seen it said and have seen it work many times or the years. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. That is if you want to save it. Polygraph with a parking lot confession has worked before to get the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Your biggest issue is all the lies she’s told you over the years.Then she doesn’t omit to anything until you start putting it all together. You have no clue what is and what isn’t the truth anymore. It’s obvious your wife cannot be trusted with what she tells you. Edited August 8, 2019 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Diggity to answer the other part of your question, it is very possible. You won’t know because your wife is not capable of telling the truth. It needs to be forced. Schedule a polygraph and don’t tell her anything about it until you pull into the parking lot. Tell her she has one chance to be honest with you before the test. If you lie to any of the questions we’re done. This has worked in getting the truth. Draw up separation/divorce papers. Talk with her and say this is your last chance to be honest. Then hand her the paperwork. Do not tell her anything you know. Try to get a hold of the OM and ask him what happened. The truth will be somewhere in the middle of what he says and what your wife has said. Don’t do anything you are not willing to follow through with. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 One last thing for now. Do not let anyone try to belittle you by saying this happened years ago. For you this just happened you just learn the truth about your girlfriend now wife cheated on you with another man for at least a year. All of the hurt anger what the F is all real and your emotions that you’re going through right now. All the pain you feel now is real don’t let anybody tell you any different. It normally takes 2 to 3 years to get heal from someone cheating on you. That’s if the cheater does all the hard work to make you feel safe and secure and trusting them again. If your wife is not willing to do the work and tell the truth of what actually went on, you won’t heal and your marriage will not make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 She only admits the affair was in one month. What about if the affair was on and off for 2 years ? Just curios I never been in a situation like this. I'm trying to understand why this distinction, having happened 15 years ago, is so important to you? Either way, "Wife cheated before marriage", the title of your thread, is true. She did sleep with him so why is it important to know whether she swung from the chandelier one of those times a decade and a half ago? Diggity11, you are indeed a BH, welcome to the club no one wants to join. The simple question is - where to from here? I'll only offer this: I do trust my wife since we’ve been married as she hasn’t gave me any reasons to think differently. She is good to me and a great mother. This is what true remorse looks like. Had you busted her back when the cheating occurred, this is what you would have asked of her going forward. I hope you wouldn't value it any less just because you've already received it... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Divod62 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 To USA1ah No she has no communication with him. He moved to a different town . Based on information provided do you think sex happen or was going on between summer 04 and feb 05? If a woman had an affair for over a year could they be in love , infatuation or Limerence? She only admits the affair was in one month. What about if the affair was on and off for 2 years ? Just curios I never been in a situation like this. As I understand it, your wife confessed to you on her own for something that happened some 15 years ago. You think that she's not being truthful about all the times she may have hooked up. What would be her reason or motivation for confessing to you about a month long affair with details, but leave out another period of infidelity, all of which happened way before marriage? What could she possibly gain by withholding this information? Seems to me if she was motivated enough to confess, she'd tell you about all of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 I'm trying to understand why this distinction, having happened 15 years ago, is so important to you? Either way, "Wife cheated before marriage", the title of your thread, is true. She did sleep with him so why is it important to know whether she swung from the chandelier one of those times a decade and a half ago? Diggity11, you are indeed a BH, welcome to the club no one wants to join. The simple question is - where to from here? I'll only offer this: This is what true remorse looks like. Had you busted her back when the cheating occurred, this is what you would have asked of her going forward. I hope you wouldn't value it any less just because you've already received it... Mr. Lucky No it’s not remorse it’s being married. True remorse is being completely honest about what happened and doing everything she can to correct the situation. All she’s done for the past 15 years is lie about it. The only reason she’s been truthful for a part of it is because he was about the find out on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Diggity What has happened here recently to cause all of this to come back up. How long did you have that job when she was cheating on you? When she lost the baby in 2005, was it a miscarriage or was it an abortion? Where are you back home when this happened in 2005 Or were you still working out of town only coming home every now and then? Edited August 8, 2019 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 However I did my own research and found out that they had sex also in the summer of 2004. She was pregnant and miscarried in February 2005 with me being by her side the whole process. I found out after doing some research that after her losing the baby in 2005 is when they became friends right after. So if they were still having sex the summer of 2004 the baby could’ve been the OM. What do you mean by that’s when they became friends. Were they still lovers up to this point? If it was the other mans child, would you have been able to tell when the baby was born? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Betrayal is so awful for anyone I witness my friends get cheated on and I was there to help them get over it and friends who were the cheaters and I had to separate myself. The cheating happen along time ago but I found out 5 years ago . I know most people say it takes 2-5 years to get over. I am way better now then I was then finding out. I could have slept with plenty of girls but refused and stay committed . Sometimes I think if i slept with other women at that time i wouldn’t feel as bad. We got together in high school and this girl is the only one I loved. Now when I look at her sometimes I think to myself ; how could you crave someone else for sex, how could you have infatuation or love another guy (if she really did or not as she said she loved me and didn’t love him). How much time did they spend together for her to feel comfortable to have sex or conversation? I would assume they had conversation about me probably laughing at me behind my back . I know the guy well he loved every minute of it , just coke over have sex, hang out and leave with no strings attached and I am sure had other women he was having sex with . But if the affair happen over a year or on and off for 2 years how could you not fall in love ? I know I would have strong feelings for fell in love if I was messing around for a year or 2. Those 3 years was the rocky part of our relationship as I was away about 2-3 nights per week on the road (some of the times were weekends). She said they never went out in public or dates (which I believe because my family or friends would have seen them and told ). She said he was showing her attention and affection. We argued a lot during this time . After 3 years of working I quit because even though the money was great it was causing problems. So I had the job from sept O3 to September’ 06. She lost the baby 05 in feb through miscarriage. The month of January 05 we had a big fight were she kicked me out but I moved back in next few days. We argued several times that month and sex was a lot less due to arguing . When she found out she was pregnant She was shocked And upset about it - she wasnt happy for joy . I assume she was like this because we were arguing and not getting along in January and February . She confessed because living in this small town I seen the other guy best friend out (we all grew up together) and it triggered a memory from the past as I knew he tried to talk with her and be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 I found from a valid source - that the OM said after she lost the baby that’s when we became friends. That was all what was said other than sex happen in summer 04 . Thats what gets me thinking if anything happen between summer 04 and feb 05. Like I said I can easily find out by asking but I rather her tell me . Because if I start asking questions for timeline/info it will be bad and start drama. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 I found from a valid source - that the OM said after she lost the baby that’s when we became friends. That was all what was said other than sex happen in summer 04 . Thats what gets me thinking if anything happen between summer 04 and feb 05. Like I said I can easily find out by asking but I rather her tell me . Because if I start asking questions for timeline/info it will be bad and start drama. If the other man said this is when they became friends, this is when they stopped having sex. All the fighting the two of you were having at this time is because she was seeing the other man still and having sex with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 You were only on the road for 2 to 3 nights at a time and she couldn’t handle it she got lonely. Ouch You should’ve divorced her five years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 My wife and I had a friend and she was having problems in her marriage and they were just not getting along. One of the questions we asked was why did they get married her answer was who else was I going to marry. They were from a small town not much to choose from from. That could’ve been your wife’s reason for marrying you. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 16, 2019 Share Posted August 16, 2019 So OP if she only had sex with him twice you are ok with it and if she had sex with him for many months you are not ok with it? Are you gonna divorce her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 So OP if she only had sex with him twice you are ok with it and if she had sex with him for many months you are not ok with it? Are you gonna divorce her? I am not okay when either but definitely not okay if she continue to lie about the length of the affair. I know she is lieing about sex in summer 04 and he was still coming around (I do not know how often I am still contemplating on whether or not to get a divorce. As of now I am in the middle on my decision. I plan to doing some more research to find out more . I feel very strongly sex was going on from what she told me obviously but more than I know. I do know sex is just not sex for girls and they have to have some kind of connection . I would like to find out everything then make my decision. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted August 17, 2019 Share Posted August 17, 2019 polygraph test time Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 18, 2019 Share Posted August 18, 2019 (edited) I would like to find out everything then make my decision. You will never find everything out. Edited August 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 You will never find everything out. You are correct I won’t find out everything but I want to know how long it went on Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 You are correct I won’t find out everything but I want to know how long it went on I think that you being so obsessed to find out how long it was going on is because you want to give yourself a reason to forgive her. If cheating even once was really a deal breaker for you, you wouldn't care THAT much (to the point of obsession) how many times you were cheated on. But it seems you are ready to forgive the "couple of times" and you want to be sure it really is "couple of times" so you don't feel emasculated when you do forgive her. It's llike a child who steals money from its mother's wallet, the how much is important to decide which the punishment will be. If it's like 10 cents, nah it's ok, no punishment, go out and play. If it's 100 dollars though, yeah now this can't be easily forgotten. Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Personally I find what she did to be an easy deal breaker. How dare she hide this and go on to marry you! I don't care if it was in the past - cheating is cheating and lying is lying. I would walk away no further discussion, no regrets. Short term it's going to hurt but long term it will be much better for your confidence, health and just general well being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 26, 2019 Share Posted August 26, 2019 (edited) You are correct I won’t find out everything but I want to know how long it went on She is hoping you will stop questioning her, she is telling you minimal so to protect her lifestyle. All cheaters lie, small in size, terrible in bed, quick to finish, yet they all go back for second or thirds. She is disrespecting you and your marriage. Tell her you know, there is a lot more to a few rolls in the hay, it is quite possible a long term affair and assume the worst until she can prove otherwise. Good luck with this and it may be time to move on. Edited August 26, 2019 by Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted August 28, 2019 Author Share Posted August 28, 2019 @buffer You are correct she is telling me the trickle truth to not make herself look bad. The hard part is this occur 15 years ago and I’ve know for five years. Our marriage has been great and no signs of cheating but when she continues to lie about it, it’s a problem with me. We are splitting up due to all this I told her to come clean with everything as far when did it start and finish or I am out . By her not coming clean I feel like there is no remorse and should be forgiven and swept under the rug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 28, 2019 Share Posted August 28, 2019 By her not coming clean I feel like there is no remorse and should be forgiven and swept under the rug. You are justified to feel this way but don't make this a power struggle. Emphasize that it's what you need to move on with the marriage. I'm not sure what's holding her back. Most of it is already out in the open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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