Wife cheated before marriage

[oldtruck]

@buffer

 

You are correct she is telling me the trickle truth to not make herself look bad. The hard part is this occur 15 years ago and I’ve know for five years. Our marriage has been great and no signs of cheating but when she continues to lie about it, it’s a problem with me. We are splitting up due to all this I told her to come clean with everything as far when did it start and finish or I am out . By her not coming clean I feel like there is no remorse and should be forgiven and swept under the rug.

 

Time for a polygraph test.

 

What it does: first it repairs damage to trust issues because it

confirms that she is not lying. Second: polygraphs often yield

the parking lot confession.

 

The night before the test, or in the car going there, even just as

you pull in. The WW confesses. Then states well now you know

so we do not have to go in now.

 

Do not fall for this trickle truth test. The tell you a bit more so

you will cancel the test. You tell her thanks for telling me this

now we are going in to confirm that I have all the truth, no more

lies.

[Turning point]

Are there any real life examples of people whose spouse demanded a polygraph and you actually stayed married to them?

 

If my spouse ever asked me to take a polygraph the biggest spike would be the sound of the door closing behind me. It's already over at that point. The test will comfort them today, and then what happens tomorrow, and the next day... I don't want a parole officer for a spouse.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Turning point

[oldtruck]

Are there any real life examples of people whose spouse demanded a polygraph and you actually stayed married to them?

 

If my spouse ever asked me to take a polygraph the biggest spike would be the sound of the door closing behind me. It's already over at that point. The test will comfort them today, and then what happens tomorrow, and the next day... I don't want a parole officer for a spouse.

 

Yes there are many real life examples told on infidelity forums.

 

This is how we know about the parking lot confessions.

 

 

More important is the question to follow.

 

So what you are saying is that you are, were, the WS and it is now D day.

Your BS needs to know you are not lying, not trickle truthing. They need

you to take a polygraph. They ask you take a polygraph.

 

So the question is: are you going to tell your BS to go pound sand and

you are refusing to take the polygraph?

[Mrs._December]

Diggity - just so you know...cheaters normally NEVER give you a confession out of the blue.

 

And when that so-called confession is full of LIES, you have to ask yourself, 'what was the point of this so-called confession if a good portion of it is lies and half truths????"

 

I'll tell you why.

 

As I said, cheaters don't normally get hit with sudden 'remorse' after they've spent the last umpteen years LYING TO YOUR FACE. Sorry, but they don't.

 

You likely got that confession 5 years ago because someone was about to spill the beans to you. I don't know who it was and it doesn't matter, but that 'confession' you got wasn't because she was oh so remorseful. What a load of manure THAT is. You got it because she was about to be exposed by someone else.

 

And THAT'S why this phony 'confession' was full of lies and half-truths designed to make her look as innocent as she could - because she had to tell you something. The sex was bad, the guy was hung like a light switch, it's all YOUR fault because you weren't around and the list of lies diminishing her crap behavior just goes on and on.

 

You didn't get that phony confession out of remorse at all. She was covering her ass and so what if she was crying? Big deal. Most of us can cry on demand if we need to. Don't be foolish and think her crocodile tears actually meant anything because they didn't.

 

She's a liar and a phony. You'll see.

[Turning point]

Diggity - just so you know...cheaters normally NEVER give you a confession out of the blue.

 

This isn't true, and their age confounds it even further. Young lovers are more likely to be plagued by a kind of "perfection remorse." We don't mature in a linear fashion. We can reach a point of certainty about our relationship and still retain a Disney like perfection with respect to how we tainted it with our own immaturity.

 

The OP already expressed his own emphasis on perfection, which I'm sure he has incorporated into "their love story." This story is the thing that wears here down - until she finally admits the DVD has a scratch on it.

 

Hence, no external threat needs to exist.

[usa1ah]

This isn't true, and their age confounds it even further. Young lovers are more likely to be plagued by a kind of "perfection remorse." We don't mature in a linear fashion. We can reach a point of certainty about our relationship and still retain a Disney like perfection with respect to how we tainted it with our own immaturity.

 

The OP already expressed his own emphasis on perfection, which I'm sure he has incorporated into "their love story." This story is the thing that wears here down - until she finally admits the DVD has a scratch on it.

 

Hence, no external threat needs to exist.

 

Op expressed that he will not stand being lied to.

 

He found out 5 years ago and has tried all this time to get over it.

 

He is not able to because his wife will not be honest with him. All he asked for is the truth of what happened.

 

Now they are separated because she couldn’t be honest about cheating on OP.

 

You see it wasn’t the cheating that happened 15 years ago, it’s the lies she is telling now that has destroyed OP’s trust in his wife. He has stated several times that he just wants the truth of what went on.

[S2B]

I can’t blame you for wanting to divorce her since you can’t get her truth from her. She could be earning your trust back but she isn’t - she chooses to continue to cover up and minimize... hence, showing an alliance to her affair/partner way more (bigger priority) than rebuilding the foundation of your marriage.

 

I was in a similar situation after being with my ex for nearly 27 years. I’ve never regretted divorcing - I never could have counted on remorse and truth from him.

 

I learned to be happy on my own - amazingly happy - especially since I’m no longer with someone who provides me an amazing life, tells me they love me each day - yet cheats on me and lies to my face... love doesn’t look like that!

 

I have peace of mind now every single day - he stole that from me most of the days I was married to him.

 

No more - it’s way better without someone saying they love you but not ACTING like it!!!

[elaine567]

Now they are separated...

 

I must have missed that. I thought he was just thinking about it.

[Turning point]

I must have missed that.

 

They also were not married at the time of this supposed affair, and he wasn't even living/working anywhere near her. They were also teenagers.

 

The fact that people call this an "affair" undermines all credibility.

 

This looks far more like a father looking for an escape hatch than any kind of affair.

[Turning point]

So the question is: are you going to tell your BS to go pound sand and

you are refusing to take the polygraph?

 

You're evading the question which was:

"..examples of people who demanded a polygraph and actually stayed married.."

 

The answer is "No." Because demanding a polygraph is not about finding truth, it's about inflicting humiliation. It speaks to the character of the betrayed not the wayward.

 

Demanding a polygraph acknowledges a lack of respect incompatible with a marital relationship. It is kicking the horse after it's dead - getting in that one last shot when you've already decided to walk away. Makes for great reality TV but, does nothing to improve anyone's life.

Edited August 30, 2019 by Turning point

[usa1ah]

They also were not married at the time of this supposed affair, and he wasn't even living/working anywhere near her. They were also teenagers.

 

The fact that people call this an "affair" undermines all credibility.

 

This looks far more like a father looking for an escape hatch than any kind of affair.

 

 

They were dating at the time and living together when this happened. He was working out of town 2 to 3 nights a week.

 

She kicked him out around the time of the miscarriage.

[usa1ah]

You're evading the question which was:

"..examples of people who demanded a polygraph and actually stayed married.."

 

The answer is "No." Because demanding a polygraph is not about finding truth, it's about inflicting humiliation. It speaks to the character of the betrayed not the wayward.

 

Demanding a polygraph acknowledges a lack of respect incompatible with a marital relationship. It is kicking the horse after it's dead - getting in that one last shot when you've already decided to walk away. Makes for great reality TV but, does nothing to improve anyone's life.

 

It’s speaks directly to the character of the cheater. If the cheater could’ve just been faithful to the one they married it would never have to happen. Almost all cheaters lie, minimize or forget things that happened during the affair. If they are not willing to be honest about it with the betrayed spouse what recourse is there other than a polygraph?

[usa1ah]

You're evading the question which was:

"..examples of people who demanded a polygraph and actually stayed married.."

 

The answer is "No." Because demanding a polygraph is not about finding truth, it's about inflicting humiliation. It speaks to the character of the betrayed not the wayward.

 

Demanding a polygraph acknowledges a lack of respect incompatible with a marital relationship. It is kicking the horse after it's dead - getting in that one last shot when you've already decided to walk away. Makes for great reality TV but, does nothing to improve anyone's life.

 

Cheating shows a lack of respect and compatible with a marital relationship. It’s getting in the parting shot. Kicking a horse when it’s already dead.

 

You see it works for the cheater as well.

[oldtruck]

They also were not married at the time of this supposed affair, and he wasn't even living/working anywhere near her. They were also teenagers.

 

The fact that people call this an "affair" undermines all credibility.

 

This looks far more like a father looking for an escape hatch than any kind of affair.

 

So then unless your married then what is banging another man called?

 

An "almost affair".

[oldtruck]

You're evading the question which was:

"..examples of people who demanded a polygraph and actually stayed married.."

 

The answer is "No." Because demanding a polygraph is not about finding truth, it's about inflicting humiliation. It speaks to the character of the betrayed not the wayward.

 

Demanding a polygraph acknowledges a lack of respect incompatible with a marital relationship. It is kicking the horse after it's dead - getting in that one last shot when you've already decided to walk away. Makes for great reality TV but, does nothing to improve anyone's life.

 

I have read many threads where the WS was required to take a polygraph

test. Posters come and go on infidelity forums. Eventually the poster's names

fade away. Poly they did. Many parking lot confessions. And they recovered.

 

Telling the truth is not humiliating it is being honest. The WS had no

problem doing all the things that did with their AP. And they enjoyed the

way it made them feel, the rush, the excitement. So they should not

have any problem telling and owning what they did during the affair.

 

You may think the BS has no right right to know. It not for

the non BS to decide what they need. Even BH's that divorced their WW

are still haunted many years later because they never got the whole truth.

 

The WS broke the trust by banging their AP.

 

Then the WS denies, gaslights, trickle truths the BS to death.

 

Then the WS says I will tell you everything now just ask me

what you want to know.

 

Then the WS says I do not remember.

 

Then all of a sudden the BS is suppose to believe what the WS is

now telling them?

 

Hell no, and not even when hell freezes over.

 

The polygraph is a valid tool to be used by the BS. It is the first step

to show the BS that the WS has stopped lying. At least for the moment.

The WS needs to prove that they are being truthful now.

[RevengeOfTheCuck]

Wife confessed that she cheated before marriage. She was remorseful/regretted it and was crying when she told me. Saying I didn’t love him I love you. He was small, sex wasn’t good as it was quick. He was showing me attention and affection. We got together at a very young age in our teens in the year 2000 and been together since.

 

We got married in the fall of 2010 and currently have kids. Her reasons were I was always gone a lot (due to work but now I have a different job) and didn’t show her attention or affection as she felt neglected. She told me this about 5 years ago in 2014 but the cheating occurred in 2003. She said they had sex a couple of times and gave him oral within a month December 2003 and that was it. However I did my own research and found out that they had sex also in the summer of 2004. She was pregnant and miscarried in February 2005 with me being by her side the whole process. I found out after doing some research that after her losing the baby in 2005 is when they became friends right after.

 

I am not 100 percent sure if there were sex still going on up to that point of losing the baby (from summer 2004 to feb 2005) or if there were Any sex after losing the baby. I will have to do more research to find this out but I am thinking yes they were still having sex but not sure how much (my research is asking a trustworthy person) What’s your thoughts on if sex was still going on base on my research about being friends right after? I confronted her on all this but denies it. I feel like she gave me only the trickle truth. Ever since she confessed I think about this everyday and want to know the full truth. Marriage has been good and no signs of cheating but I know she has not told me the whole truth (from my research) so it makes me think she may be lying about other things or not taking this serious. I do know this happen along time ago but i still have a difficult time with this.

 

I heard I shouldn’t know all details like was the sex amazing, positions or was he better. Based on reading articles everyone says affair sex is amazing because of the newness. I must admit I have been a little insecure about if he’s better sexually than me ? Does she think about him ?Can a person have a long term affair and not love the person? However I definitely want to know when it started, was it unprotected , how many sexual encounters, did she love him, could he be a possible father and when did it end (duration). Are those details okay to know? I thought about getting a divorce or just try to work it out .

 

So when's the divorce?

Edited August 31, 2019 by RevengeOfTheCuck

[Diggity11]

@ Mrs December

You gave good insight.

 

Yes we are separated and taking a break . If she told me the truth on what happen during this time as far as duration of the affair and number of sexual encounters I would possibly consider to try and forgive. Like I mention In a previous post that I found out they had sex on another occasion that she denies and found out that he was coming over to the house up to the point of the time she got pregnant. So like USA1 said I feel like it’s more of the lieing at this point . I told my wife I already assume the worst like he could have been possibly the father, she loved him or strong feelings for him and sex was frequently occurring over a year, he was better in bed and more endowed. I don’t want to know details of sexual activity is that will create mind movies . Especially when I know the guy really well and his friends. I can only assume the details was everything you can think of in a sexual relationship . She said she didn’t love him but he was showing affection and attention that I wasn’t . She said I was attracted to him and liked him but not love. I mean if I was talking to someone over a year I can get emotionally attached or be in love with that person. I will wait and see if she decides to tell me the truth of what I want to know. I feel like i deserve that and if not I will be getting a divorce. The bad thing is it was a long time ago and like I said in an early post our marriage (with kids) has been great before she confessed.

[beldar]

So sorry my friend but she married you under false pretenses.

 

 

This would have met the requirements for annulment had you found out in the first couple of years. But, since you're now on a break, why not just extend it indefinitely?

[oldtruck]

So sorry my friend but she married you under false pretenses.

 

 

This would have met the requirements for annulment had you found out in the first couple of years. But, since you're now on a break, why not just extend it indefinitely?

 

Easy to say throw in the towel when one does not have a horse in the race.

 

Lot of history now and there are kids to consider.

 

Also separation never fixes things.

 

There are a lot of things to consider because this is not a black and white

matter. There is a family and a host of interrelated issues. Requires to

not only look before jumping but to think this through well before

jumping.

[beldar]

Still, it is far far better for kids to have come from a broken home than to have to live in that broken home.

[oldtruck]

Still, it is far far better for kids to have come from a broken home than to have to live in that broken home.

 

A clever retort.

 

Though it is a false assumption that a home after recovery has to be a

broken home.

 

Best to avoid knee jerk reactions. It is not always necessary to throw

the baby out with the bath water. Recovery or divorce is not to be just

about the BS. To ignore protecting the children is selfish. The best decisions

are not made in a vacuum.

 

Not every marriage must end in divorce after an affair.

[oldlion]

Are you actually going to destroy your marriage over something that happened 15 years ago? You must be mistaken to say your marriage has been good over these years. Maybe you are just looking for a way to get out of being married. What happened to me happened decades ago and I have never ask for any details. My marriage has been long and very happy and I have never regretted once not asking questions. I have noticed that men have a hard time wanting to know the truth even if the truth has been told. They always, and I mean always, just know there is more. Would you feel better if she made up something that had an array of sexual acts and times. You are going to divorce her because you think she hasn't told you everything but if she does tell you more you are going to divorce her because she kept things from you. Either way she loses. I learned in my own marriage that obsessing over something that happened long ago, and will never happen again, has no comparison to something like putting a comrade , who has been shot and bleeding out, on a helicopter and have him wink at you as the it lifts off. Knowing he never made it to the aid station. Both my instances happened a lot more than 15 years ago for me. Which one do you think I have mind movies about? If you don't love her then tell her you don't love her. Then divorce, but don't use something from 15 years ago to destroy what you have now. It's kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Just my two cents worth. I do wish you well.

Edited September 5, 2019 by oldlion

[beatcuff]

Wife confessed that she cheated before marriage...She told me this about 5 years ago in 2014 but the cheating occurred in 2003...I did my own research and found out that they had sex also in the summer of 2004...

ok, i am REALLY confused. you found out FIVE YEARS ago and already followed it up. are you seriously telling us that this has been stewing for 5 years?!? why are you [really] here TODAY? sounds like you are asking permission (looking for justification) to leave her

[DKT3]

Too often people focus in on the wrong things. People keep telling OP that he is wrong for wanting out over something that happened a long time ago when they were so young. What's being missed is his real issue which is she is lying TODAY.

 

Look he knows she had the affair and he stayed. Yet he wants to leave now because he knows she's not being honest. Dont really get why its so hard to understand

[oldtruck]

Too often people focus in on the wrong things. People keep telling OP that he is wrong for wanting out over something that happened a long time ago when they were so young. What's being missed is his real issue which is she is lying TODAY.

 

Look he knows she had the affair and he stayed. Yet he wants to leave now because he knows she's not being honest. Dont really get why its so hard to understand

 

This is his WW's problem, she does not tell him the whole truth he will

divorce her. WW is afraid that if she tells him the whole truth he will divorce

her. WW is screwed, she is in a lose, lose situation.

 

This BH has to decide that all he needs is the truth, that no matter how bad

the truth is, once having the truth he will not divorce his WW. Then he needs

to tell his WW this. He has to make his WW feel safe enough before she

will talk.