elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 A lot of assumptions here that the wife has not told the truth, we don't KNOW that. A lot of over-dramatisation from some LS members about what may have happened, fed by vivid imaginations and past hurts... Projecting their own cheating wife onto the OPs wife. When does "the truth" bottom out and it becomes "the real truth"? Does it ever? 15 years ago, how is anyone supposed to remember anything from way back then apart from fuzzy stuff. Vague memories that are I guess not ever "enough" for an upset BS. Like oldlion says she is damned whichever way this plays out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 A lot of assumptions here that the wife has not told the truth, we don't KNOW that. A lot of over-dramatisation from some LS members about what may have happened, fed by vivid imaginations and past hurts... Projecting their own cheating wife onto the OPs wife. When does "the truth" bottom out and it becomes "the real truth"? Does it ever? 15 years ago, how is anyone supposed to remember anything from way back then apart from fuzzy stuff. Vague memories that are I guess not ever "enough" for an upset BS. Like oldlion says she is damned whichever way this plays out. Elaine, my problem I never got 10% of the truth. I got stone walled. Trickle truthed. I don't remember from the beginning. 30 plus years I still need the whole truth. 6 months ago my wife finally accepted my need to know. Now she says it was so long ago I don't remember to 99% of the questions that I asked. Her willing to talk now accomplished nothing to clear up issues. The BH is damned because how does he know whether she does not know or she is saying she does not know. Not being told the truth how does the BH know if what the WW did the OM was a deal breaker? If you were a man you would understand his need to reclaim his WW sexually. A man needs to get better than what the WW gave her OM. Time has run out. I am too old to hysterical bond. Too old to top what the OM could of done to my WW. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 If you were a man you would understand his need to reclaim his WW sexually. A man needs to get better than what the WW gave her OM. We get this all the time here, men getting stuck on what could have happened with the OM... and the desire to top it. What if they just had PIV missionary sex? Is that totally unbelievable? Why does it need to be stuff straight out of a porn movie? Why is the OM always hung like a donkey... Why is the MW always giving the OM stuff she never gave her husband? I get the trickle truth and how frustrating that must be, but how do you differentiate between what honestly happened and what is the result of a very fertile imagination on the part of the BH? "She must have gone to him for the extreme sex." Um no. Married women in affairs are often just looking for the love and attention they are not getting at home... Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 We get this all the time here, men getting stuck on what could have happened with the OM... and the desire to top it. What if they just had PIV missionary sex? Is that totally unbelievable? Why does it need to be stuff straight out of a porn movie? Why is the OM always hung like a donkey... Why is the MW always giving the OM stuff she never gave her husband? I get the trickle truth and how frustrating that must be, but how do you differentiate between what honestly happened and what is the result of a very fertile imagination on the part of the BH? "She must have gone to him for the extreme sex." Um no. Married women in affairs are often just looking for the love and attention they are not getting at home... Example: it does not have to be porn star sex. How about she had sex 2 times on a date with the OM. She lied about that. Now she tells me this and I am too old to match the OM at 2 times in one night so forget about me going for 3 times in one night to get better and do her better than the OM. Women cannot see men's need to give better and get better than the OM got during the affair. A man should never ask about sex with previous lovers. No need to create retroactive jealousy. And no matter how good or bad the sex was she left them before you and choose to marry you. But a WW having an affair changes the need to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 Also elaine567, when a WW will not give her BH the full truth it keeps him from healing. When you do not know who the OM was how does the BH know there is NC? Because the WW says so? It is impossible for the BH to let this slip into the past because his brain is left trying to figure out all the missing pieces. When a WW can't remember whether how many times she had sex with the OM, but she says the affair went on for about 12 months they used date about once a week I guess we had sex about 52 times. She is trying to be honest. If the WW is off 10% either way she is trying to be honest. But when the WW said we did nothing that would upset you we just went out on dates like the movies, dinner. Then years later well we just kissed. More years, well it was just oral. More years, well it was sex but only once, and it was not that good. She would not talk about it. I needed to talk about it to get past it. Now too much time has past to get the answers I need. She claims all forgotten. How do I believe that? And the need to sexually one up the OM is gone because I am too old. So forget the hysterical bonding. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 And so she gets away with it. The tt has served her well all these years. Why stop now? People tend go with what works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 (edited) We get this all the time here, men getting stuck on what could have happened with the OM... and the desire to top it. What if they just had PIV missionary sex? Is that totally unbelievable? Why does it need to be stuff straight out of a porn movie? Why is the OM always hung like a donkey... Why is the MW always giving the OM stuff she never gave her husband? I get the trickle truth and how frustrating that must be, but how do you differentiate between what honestly happened and what is the result of a very fertile imagination on the part of the BH? "She must have gone to him for the extreme sex." Um no. Married women in affairs are often just looking for the love and attention they are not getting at home... Last part is not true. They are bored with real life and the marriage. They have bought into the idea that an affair can make the marriage better instead of investing themselves into it. I have seen many way wards threads say “ if I knew how it would hurt my husband I would have never done it”. Men and women are completely different when it comes to the way we view cheating. Most men want the honest truth about what happened we don’t handle being lied to very well when we ask for the truth. I don’t mean the details about the sex but why and how it started and how long it went on. Edited September 8, 2019 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 And so she gets away with it. The tt has served her well all these years. Why stop now? People tend go with what works. Exactly. She knows you're gonna stay no matter what. She's in total control. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted September 8, 2019 Share Posted September 8, 2019 It sounds like you are trying to give a free pass to the cheater...It was a long time ago... I can't remember... we never did anything physical...after the cheating, I came back to you, so please let it all be water under the bridge - and stop asking questions! Yadda yadda yadda… For any of the apologists out there, have you told your spouse that if you catch them in an affair, you will be a bit peeved, but as long as they decide to come home to you it can be overlooked? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 19, 2019 Share Posted September 19, 2019 How are you doing Diggity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted September 28, 2019 Author Share Posted September 28, 2019 How are you doing Diggity? I am making it okay. Still denying it was more than what she first told me. I brought up if you are telling the truth then prove it on a polygraph test . I told her I will take one too. She got Angry and felt like that was a strike against her character to ask her to do that. She said she is not taking a polygraph test because she is telling the truth . I told her questions that I would ask is how long was the affair ? Could he have been possibly the father of the child that was miscarried? How many times did you guys have sex? Any sex in the bed where we slept ( we no longer have that bed or live in same place)? As far other details such as was he bigger ? Better in bed? Positions/Oral ? Unprotected? Orgasm? I will not ask because most of those details I could assume I already know the answers. She wants to forget about the past and move on with our kids and marriage. She asks why do I keep pushing on this as I am not going to get any different answers. Marriage has been great and the affair happen years ago (before marriage) but ever since I find out more things that occurred I have been pushing for the whole truth so as of late our marriage is borderline . I told her I am not giving in until I get those questions answered truthfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 28, 2019 Share Posted September 28, 2019 Her refusal screams 'guilty'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 29, 2019 Share Posted September 29, 2019 Sorry to say but big red flag. She is hiding stuff. Schedule the poly, if she refuses to take you know she is lying about what actually happened. Do not let her know you scheduled the polygraph. Once scheduled just say we have to go somewhere. Then take her to it. If she refuses to take it do what you need to do for you and your kids. Her cheating is the hit on her character. Do not let her know the questions. Other then OM and diggity, have you had sexual contact with anyone else? Is the time period of you cheating that you gave diggity correct? Could “OM” have been the father of the child you miscarried? Did you and OM have any sexual contact after your miscarriage? There is no time period that will nullified cheating. Your wife can talk til she is blue in the face, it will never change the fact that she cheated at least with one OM. Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Okay, she cheated long, long ago. By your own words, you have had a very good marriage for the last 15 years. You say you love your wife and she is good to you. So, I ask you this. Is your marriage worth destroying to satisfy your craving to get your version of the truth? Your drive to fulfill your desire to have the truth, as you see it, is slowing deteriorating your marriage. Do you want your marriage or do you want the truth as you see it? If your truth is more important than your marriage then just get out now rather than destroying it a little piece at the time. What happened in my marriage happened over four decades ago. I know it was emotional but I have never ask if it was physical. My wanting to know everything was not worth my marriage to the woman I love. For the last 40 years my marriage has been great, even more than great. To be honest, because of the man I was, if I had known it had been physical, I would have hurt a man, who pretended to be my friend, very badly. I didn't want to know then and I don't care about it now. The only time I even think about it is when a situation like yours comes to light. Time to make a decision. Do you want your marriage or do you want to continue your drive for your truth which will eventually destroy the life and marriage you have. If you want your truth, then it's best to leave now before the marriage is destroyed. If you want the marriage then stop the witch hunt and enjoy what you have. Your choice. I do wish you well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beldar Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Oh yeah. Sure. Because having spent your entire life living a lie is so much better. Because having spent your entire life living within a lie is so much better. Because having spent your entire life living with a liar is so much better. Because you're now so old that you have no other choice so you might as well suck it up and let life ream you up the bung-hole. No. Maybe now is the start of your real life. It may not be for a long time, but it will be YOUR time. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Okay, she cheated long, long ago. If that was the only time then why is she flipping out and vehemently refusing to take a poly? Because she knows she'll get caught out for other things he doesn't know about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 If that was the only time then why is she flipping out and vehemently refusing to take a poly? Because she knows she'll get caught out for other things he doesn't know about. Does not mean there where other men and other affairs most likely it is a WW in damage control mode afraid of the damage the truth will cause from the original affair Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Does not mean there where other men and other affairs If that were true then she wouldn't have a problem taking a poly. She's definitely hiding something. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 If that were true then she wouldn't have a problem taking a poly. She's definitely hiding something. your answer was in my 2nd and 3rd lines Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 How can she do a poly over stuff that happened 16 years ago? Madness. He knows the gist of it, he either lives with it or he gets a divorce, the details don't really matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 If it was only that one instance 16 years ago then yeah, maybe it is a little crazy. But i think he feels that there is more to it and that she has done it more than once. He just wants to know the truth, if she had cheated AFTER marriage and she seems pretty defensive about it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 He is always going to think there is more to it, that is the problem here. There will never be a day that he will think "That is it I know it all." There is nothing she can say to persuade him that whatever mind movie is the flavour of the month, never happened. He has convinced himself his wife had a wild time with this "superior" guy and nothing she can do or say will make any difference. She is defensive as she is not being believed. She is probably almost at the stage of making things up to get him off her back... That is why he needs to let it go, or divorce. Moral of the story: Never, ever confess, it is not worth it. Keep those skeletons in the cupboard and keep schtum till your dying day. She made a big mistake here in confessing, she should have kept quiet. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 She made a big mistake here in confessing, she should have kept quiet. You're basically encouraging married people to keep secrets from each other lol that's not a good idea. Being open and honest with the one you love is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 What led to the confession? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 You're basically encouraging married people to keep secrets from each other lol that's not a good idea. Being open and honest with the one you love is the right thing to do. Not if it ruins 20 years of marriage and leaves your loved one in a state of distress... Link to post Share on other sites
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