Made A Horrible Mistake, me

[Alwaysthinkofme]

My Husband is in the process of obtaining a marriage green card. We received our letter for an interview a few weeks ago. He went away on travel for work in California and was working till 3am. It was very stressing on him and for me as well. He received a quote from his lawyer about attending the interview and preparing documents however, it was a lot of money. It would had consumed his entire check and he texted me stressing about it. He asked me to look around for other lawyers and I did. I came across one lawyer who went through the immigration process himself. He had more experience in immigration and lead me to believe he was a good choice. He offered us a quote for $1000 to prepare documents and attend our interview. (It was too good to be true…and I should had followed that instinct.) After speaking with him off and on for a month, I felt trusting enough to convince my Husband to switch lawyers.

 

We attended a sit down and he did nothing but, give us a question sheets. He did not prepare any documents for us and said we were good to go for this interview. Fast forward and we went through the list immigration had given us and it turns out we are not (Good to go..) We have to fill out a large sheet of paper work for an application required for this interview. We then called the lawyers office and sure enough she says "Yes you have to re-fill that application out again." They never mentioned this to us during our appointment other than say "You are good.." His job was to look over our documents and prepare and then she said "We might have to charge you to prepare that document." Um WHAT? I paid and agreed prior on the phone with my Husband that we would be having him (Prepare documents and attend the interview with us.) So far he has done little to nothing and we both feel he got free money from us. I thought he was amazing because he seemed trusting and has 50/5 star reviews. I couldn't find one negative on him..

 

Here is the worst part.. Its absolutely destroying our marriage.. He has yelled, argued with me, off and on saying "I cannot believe I trusted you! I will never trust you again! I am so pissed! He has done nothing and our interview is next week!" His Mom has even given her say over the phone (Which has pissed me off greatly.) saying "It should only take 15 minutes to prepare, I don't like him!" Now she is pissed at him and my Husband is pissed at me off and on. It's driving me crazy and I am not sure what to do or say. I have mentioned divorce off and on, but it goes right through one ear and out the other. Like he doesn't ever get it…. We try to plan starting a Family, but it drives me to fear what my future will be like with him.

 

When I got married I never thought about how hard it would be, being married to a legal immigrant who is in the process of obtaining legal status, neither the hurtles that are thrown at you along the way. I am worried though….. This is not the first time I have mentioned divorce to him. This would be the 5th time… I have asked him to stop yelling/fighting and each time its "I'm sorry, okay okay.." then he will force a hug on me or try cracking a joke. I don't know how many chances I can give to him, when he does this. It would be the 7th time now… What should I do? How do I fix this? I feel horrible and cannot even function anymore as it affect my health. Shaking vision, shaking hands, crying spells, running away. I need any advice…..please..

Edited August 6, 2019 by Alwaysthinkofme

[Mr. Lucky]

He asked me to look around for other lawyers and I did. I came across one lawyer who went through the immigration process himself. He had more experience in immigration and lead me to believe he was a good choice. He offered us a quote for $1000 to prepare documents and attend our interview. (It was too good to be true…and I should had followed that instinct.)

 

You know, I think about the same thing every time I hear ads for discount Lasik treatment - is eye surgery something you want done by the lowest bidder? Your legal situation is similar, you often get what you pay for.

 

Regardless, don't see why all the blame falls on you - again. After 7 divorce conversations, probably time to fix things or move on. I certainly wouldn't start a family without counseling first...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Acacia98]

Yes, you both made a mistake. And it cost you some money.

 

But it sounds like your husband has not lost his immigration status as a consequence. It also sounds like you're not facing legal consequences. So, in an ideal world, you would both express relief and try to do things better, having learned from your mistake.

 

I'll give you advice from a friend who's gone through the same process: Yes, hire a lawyer. But don't sit back, relax, and assume the lawyer will do everything properly. Make sure that, even after you've hired the lawyer, you independently keep track of all the documentation needed and all the steps you have to take. Lawyers can make mistakes. Lawyers can be incompetent. And your husband's immigration status is too important to leave to chance.

 

Now, regarding your relationship: your husband's behavior is very concerning. He sounds like the sort of person who rushes to blame others when something goes wrong. That is one of the surest ways to undermine a relationship. You're not any better, though. That you are quick to threaten divorce whenever you guys have a bad fight is terrible. Especially since his immigration status might be dependent on your marriage.

 

I don't know anything about you both, i.e. beyond what you've written here. Based solely on your words here, I think you both are lousy at handling stress and conflict. You need to find healthier ways of dealing with stress that don't involve turning on each other.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

I agree that we both have issues in communicating and dealing with stress. Though there is not much of back story to this involving the past, I can say that in regards to me jumping to divorce during an argument, is not done so quickly. This has been something that has grown deep with time. (Reaching a major breaking point) There have been a mountain of issues surrounding other behaviors that my Husband has displayed. (Not disregarding my own in this marriage.) He suffers from severe anger outbursts in the past and now, chewing his thumbs into a bloody mess and peeling the skin off, random anxiety outbursts that are hard to handle, yelling, degrading comments in public. This has popped up here and there, but was much more severe in the past that we have discussed.

 

I am not a saint and I entirely get this.. I have had a hand in spiking this marriage through the way I handle things. I take responsibility for my failure in communication and not giving thought to my words during an argument. Aside this, mentioning divorce has been there since a year back and it has not been getting better. I have physically and mentally turned off my ability to imagine having intimacy and trying to has became impossible at times for me. I have gone well over 3 months without sex due to this and I cannot explain it. He wants children and I have explained in countless ways that I do not with him. It does not get through to him and if anything, I get blamed for not wanting children in this marriage. Truthfully I am terrified of the thought in involving a baby, which is why I suggest condoms/protection and fear sex in the marriage. (One reason I avoid this.)

 

 

I have explained and broken down that I do not see this marriage lasting (If things continue) and it has became clear (more than once) that our paths are different in what we both want in our futures. I have decided after reading the first post, to either setup counseling to save the marriage and discuss what went wrong with both of us having a hand in the marriage or suggest that we get a simplified divorce. I will always petition for him and there are ways for him to keep his status however, I can't pretend to be happy. My body shakes (tiny shivers) in my hands, head, eyes from stress, cannot sleep and have to take pain killers to get through the anxiety outbursts when he lashes out. I am taking time to really think about this and after we move, I'm hoping things might get better. If not then we will need a lot of counseling for us both. I don't want to withhold and for us to feel depressed. I just want us to be happy and its hard when I cannot predict when the anxiety outburst will happen. I admit though that my poor behavior and reactions are innapropriate and need to severly change.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Alwaysthinkofme

[Acacia98]

Wow. So sorry to read that, Alwaysthinkofme. I think you're right: going forward with counselling would be a good option. It's definitely better to be proactive than to wait for another explosion. And that degree of emotional stress can lead to/compound physical illness. I appreciate your willingness to petition on his behalf regardless. You are very kind.

 

All the best dealing with your relationship challenges and the immigration process.

---

P.S. Perhaps the time for an intervention is now. Your physical reaction to his outbursts suggests the situation is urgent.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Acacia98

[BaileyB]

I would leave this marriage. What you describe is a terrible way to live your life’s. I personally don’t think that counselling will change anything - particularly because it’s not being suggested by him and he’s given no indication that he believes there is a problem/he needs to change.

 

There is absolutely no way I would bring a child into the world, with this man.

 

I’m sorry.

[Maddie82]

Do you mention divorce EVERY time you have an argument? That's bound to make him feel insecure and i suggest that if you never actually plan on following through on it that you should stop threatening it. It's making things worse. Also him blaming you when he asked you to find a lawyer is out of order. This back and forth arguing is causing allot of resentment so I strongly agree with someone else who suggested counselling.

[BaileyB]

He suffers from severe anger outbursts in the past and now, random outbursts that are hard to handle, yelling, degrading comments in public.

 

I feel horrible and cannot even function anymore as it affect my health.

 

I have physically and mentally turned off my ability to imagine having intimacy and trying to has became impossible at times for me. He wants children and I have explained in countless ways that I do not with him. I get blamed for not wanting children in this marriage. Truthfully I am terrified of the thought in involving a baby, which is why I suggest condoms/protection and fear sex in the marriage. (One reason I avoid this.)

 

My body shakes (tiny shivers) in my hands, head, eyes from stress, cannot sleep and have to take pain killers to get through the anxiety outbursts when he lashes out. its hard when I cannot predict when the anxiety outburst will happen.

 

This, sounds like emotional abuse.

 

I have asked him to stop yelling/fighting and each time its "I'm sorry, okay okay.." then he will force a hug on me or try cracking a joke. I don't know how many chances I can give to him, when he does this.

 

This is the cycle of abuse.

 

I admit though that my poor behavior and reactions are innapropriate and need to severly change.

 

And these are the words of a woman who has been emotionally abused.

Edited August 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[Alwaysthinkofme]

I don't mention divorce in every argument. Most times I go into the bedroom and curl up or run off to be alone. He does not allow me the privacy and time to myself, that is needed during or right after an argument. He will often confront and bother me like it did not happen, even though it has made an impact. (Saying "Okay okay okay I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" Tries to hug or pull me in physically.) It also depends what type of argument it is. If it regards his random outburst, deep shaming, yelling, blaming, anxiety filled attack then after a certain breaking point, I mention that divorce is not far behind us. Not to hurt him, but to express how I honestly feel. I say it because I want him to equally acknowledge that our marriage is not doing well. Being the only one (That I know of, aside from himself.) feeling critical emotionally at the time, it wears down and that loud voice of (Divorce) gets stronger. After feeling trapped and cornered, I eventually re-mention divorce. In that moment I just don't know what to do because he will follow me after I try to diffuse the tension. There is no privacy or room to grieve with him.

 

I woke up this morning feeling like garbage. I stayed up all night thinking about the future with him. Regardless of me wanting children in my future and the positives, I try to think about whether the negative is enough to destroy that. How long can I emotionally and physically take this? Because I honestly don't know if theres a chance it could impact my health or possibly kill me.

I forget about what I'm taking when he starts up and I will take two pain killers and want to reach for something else. I have to remind myself that I just took something for the nerves. I am trying to stop doing this, because I don't think clearly when this happens. (Not good at all, I know.)

 

I agree with the comments about looking at the reality that the marriage should be evaluated. That counseling might not help, but it is urgent. The longer I wait the worse its going to get. Much as I don't want to think about divorcing him, I might eventually not have a choice. I also agree that the lawyer is not entirely my fault. He asked for a cheaper lawyer and I found one. Turned out not to be a good desicion on my own part.

 

Also if I mention the word abuse he will get really upset. He will raise his voice and say I am not being abused, claiming I use this with everything when I never say the word abuse. (I do not say he abuses me) but it does feel like it. He will deny till he is blue in the face and I don't know what to believe.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Alwaysthinkofme

[d0nnivain]

Report that lawyer to your state's bar association & get them to help you get your money back. You can take the lawyer to a fee arbitration process. Don't let money derail your dreams.

 

Your husband is lashing out in fear. Fix the immediate money problem & then go forward.

 

 

This will be a bump in the road or it will destroy your marriage if you let it.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

We are fearful of reporting this lawyer to the State Bar because 1) We have an interiew in less than a week. 2) He could use the very private information/documents against us.

[d0nnivain]

We are fearful of reporting this lawyer to the State Bar because 1) We have an interiew in less than a week. 2) He could use the very private information/documents against us.

 

The lawyer cannot use the info / documents against you. The lawyer would be disbarred.

 

Is the lawyer going to the interview with you? If the lawyer is prepared but you are simply stressed because this is an overwhelming & scary process, try to trust that the lawyer knows what s/he is doing. While he's new for you; it's old hat to the lawyer.

[BaileyB]

Also if I mention the word abuse he will get really upset. He will raise his voice and say I am not being abused, claiming I use this with everything when I never say the word abuse. (I do not say he abuses me) but it does feel like it. He will deny till he is blue in the face and I don't know what to believe.

 

Of course he gets upset. In other words, what you are saying is that he abuses you when you tell him that he may be acting abusively toward you.

 

There is a word for that he does - gaslighting. Search that term. Basically, whenever you attempt to call him on his behavior, he gets upset and tells you that you have no right to be upset, he isn’t doing anything wrong... ie. it’s your problem, not his.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most times I go into the bedroom and curl up or run off to be alone.

 

Lather, rinse and repeat - for the rest of your life? Not something I'd sign up for.

 

I'm not sure why you're focused on the immigration situation and resulting disconnect. Based on what you've written, that's far from the most pressing issue in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure why you're focused on the immigration situation and resulting disconnect. Based on what you've written, that's far from the most pressing issue in your marriage...

 

I most definitely agree.

[Lobouspo]

Divorce him. You didnt do anything wrong. Unfortunately like alot of foreigners in the U.S. he is using you to some degree just to get permanent residency.