How can I make the people in my life happy?

[aequanimis]

Hello all,

I'm new here so forgive any breaches in etiquette.

 

I'm currently a sophomore in college and am home for summer break. I've spent the past two semesters 8 hours away from home and dearly missed my family as well as my boyfriend and friends.

 

However, these past two months have been a little rough, and I would really like some advice on how to handle it.

 

I've never really been close to my parents, but I'm the youngest of four so they tend to be a little overbearing.

Spending time with them is also rough as they have a tendency to criticize my weight (as I'm also the only one of my siblings who is overweight) and are overall pretty negative people. However, they're always on my case about spending time with them and claim that I'm more eager to hang out with my boyfriend or friends.

I try to be close to them and spend time with them, but they always start making rude comments about how ugly I am and how the people in my life aren't worth the time I spend with them and it always ends up pushing me away. Internally, I try to justify it by saying that no one would want to be around that, but I still feel this heavy guilt for not being a better daughter.

 

They also treat me like a child and heavily control how I hang out with my friends/boyfriend. I have a pretty strict curfew and they look through my debit card statements and chew me out for spending too much money on "people who don't matter". I thought that if I paid my way through school, made all A's, and got a job to pay rent while I was on summer break that I could get more respect, but it doesn't really seem to work. I don't remember them being this way with my other siblings, and would just like more freedom to enjoy my summer break before I have to go back to school.

 

I vent to my boyfriend and his advice is always just to tune them out, that I've earned the right to be called an adult, but it always makes him unhappy that i want to keep trying to spend time with my parents and won't just put my foot down and tell them how it is. I just want to make the people in my life happy. I'm so tired of feeling guilt and inadequacy about who I am as a daughter and as a partner.

What can I do?

[d0nnivain]

You can't make them happy. They have to be happy on their own.

 

When they are negative tuning them out may be your best bet, When they criticize your weight, thank them for their concerns about your health but that you are happy & you would appreciate it if they stopped making you feel bad. If you are not happy with your own weight, do something to change it but change for you not them.

 

Find things you like about your family & focus on those not the bad stuff. Remember you are heading back to school soon.

[schlumpy]

If they have done this your whole life then my observation isn't valid but you didn't indicate that was the case.

 

I think they fear for your future. They don't like the direction you are taking in life and they don't like your friends. They believe you are financially naïve, and easily taken advantage of by those friends. They see your lack of concern as reflected in your personal care. They want to turn you down another pathway.

 

Obviously that is not what you want.

 

You don't want a curfew or be treated as a child. You want them to respect your decisions regarding your personal life. You want them to treat you as an adult. Do they also criticize your college major? Wouldn't surprise me.

 

If that's what you want, then move out and pay your own way.

 

If you can't or won't do that then accept the status Quo. As long as they pay the freight they have a right to protect their investment.

 

It's not about you not getting along with them. It's about you not living up to the unspoken terms of the contract when you continued to accept their support even though you consider yourself an "adult."

 

 

Best Wishes

[amaysngrace]

Yes they fear for your future, because you’re creating one that doesn’t include them in the ways that they want.

 

They’re trying to cage you in. Don’t allow them to do that. If they have something planned then go but if it’s just sitting around while they take jabs at you then definitely go do something else.

 

Or spend time with them but play on your phone the whole time if they’re being nasty towards you, and laugh and smile at whatever it is that’s distracting you from them.

 

Best wishes

[aequanimis]

If they have done this your whole life then my observation isn't valid but you didn't indicate that was the case.

 

I think they fear for your future. They don't like the direction you are taking in life and they don't like your friends. They believe you are financially naïve, and easily taken advantage of by those friends. They see your lack of concern as reflected in your personal care. They want to turn you down another pathway.

 

Obviously that is not what you want.

 

You don't want a curfew or be treated as a child. You want them to respect your decisions regarding your personal life. You want them to treat you as an adult. Do they also criticize your college major? Wouldn't surprise me.

 

If that's what you want, then move out and pay your own way.

 

If you can't or won't do that then accept the status Quo. As long as they pay the freight they have a right to protect their investment.

 

It's not about you not getting along with them. It's about you not living up to the unspoken terms of the contract when you continued to accept their support even though you consider yourself an "adult."

 

 

Best Wishes

 

 

I understand what you are saying, and definitely understand where you are coming from. However, while I believe your response indicates some obvious misunderstanding of my post, I also understand that you can also go off of what little you know about me or my situation.

 

I don't know if you caught the part where I mentioned that not only do I pay for my school entirely as well as my car and phone bill (which I admit, I didn't mention), but also rent while I stay here for the summer. Frankly, i think that conveys anything but financially naive.

 

My siblings have arguably gone down far worse paths, and as a straight-A engineering student, I don't think my path of life is anything to contest.

 

At the end of the day though, my parents did not hold my siblings to the same standard despite financially supporting them through their college experiences. They may fear for my future, but I believe there are better ways to communicate that thought than being tyrannical, and at the very least, they could give me the same treatment that my siblings received.

 

Ultimately, I may not be living up to the terms of some bull**** contract, but that's not to say those terms aren't unreasonable and unfair.

 

Best Wishes

[schlumpy]

Ultimately, I may not be living up to the terms of some bull**** contract, but that's not to say those terms aren't unreasonable and unfair.

 

Best Wishes

 

Thank you for acknowledging that I can only comment on what you imparted.

 

I do like this post much better as it gives me better insight into a much stronger personality than was on show in your first post. It could have been stirred up by some anger and resentment but that those qualities are there within you is what is important.

 

I have to agree with your boyfriend that your only option now is to tune them out and keep the conflict at a minimum. Blast your way through school. Maybe you could do a summer quarter so you can graduate early.

 

Once you are on your own and self sufficient I think your relationship with your parents will change for the better. I've seen that happen many times over the years.

 

 

And I do really mean - Best Wishes

Edited August 7, 2019 by schlumpy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your parents sound toxic . At some point you're probably going to have to create a lot of distance for your own mental health.

[elaine567]

Find out about dysfunctional family roles.

One of the most painful things for a child is to be the scapegoat of the family. The scapegoated child in the family is the rejected one or the child who was picked out to be abused. Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem in which one member of the family or a social group is blamed for small things, picked on and constantly put down. It’s a generational pattern of abuse that is passed down to the children.

One or both parents made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy. The mother or father makes one child bad and then looks for things (sometimes real, but most often imagined) that are wrong. Blaming and shaming are heaped on one child. The scapegoated child feels different and abandoned. Scapegoating then becomes a learned family pattern being repeated down through future generations with the parent designating a favorite child and a rejected child. The target’s of the abuse experiences bullying, exclusion, ostracism or later even expulsion

[MetallicHue]

I’ve had to live with unreasonable expectations from people in my life as well as my job. My advice to you is do what makes you happy and let it go one ear and out the other. Though I have to admit it can be incredibly difficult to do for some people to do that and is always challenging for me.

[stillafool]

Since you are taking care of yourself financially, why do you have to stay with your parents this summer? Can't you rent a room or something else so you don't have to be exposed to them? I would get away from them as fast as possible.

[BaileyB]

You can't make them happy. They have to be happy on their own.

 

This is so true. And, to take it one step further - the only person who can bring you happiness is you.

 

While they are your parents and you wish that they were loving and supportive, the fact that they are not should not keep you from finding your own happiness and following your own dreams. Obviously, it would be better if they were “with” you but you can, and should, still do it on your own.

 

Best wishes.

[Foxhall]

I would make quite a good parent I think if I ever get the chance.

 

Anyway this situation here, it seems to be the old school tough love approach,

 

 

I think it is completely unfair the way they are treating you and you deserve better,

It is a lot for you to deal with , your around 19/20 is it, you know it is hard to have the self confidence yet to deal with all this negative energy and to deal with a self-righteous opinionated authoritarian family,

 

to learn to become more self confident, to not worry about being a people pleaser, to follow your own path,

 

that is where you need to aim but that does not come overnight,

 

Have you any mentor type figure, another family member, someone older with more life experience who you can turn to for a chat,

I think you need some assistance with this, and not criticizing your boyfriend, but I doubt he has the tools to give you this,

 

for a start I would suggest next summer, plan a trip away- go travelling in Europe or Australia or somewhere and start to break the psychological hold your family has over you.