Old vs. New friends

[David33]

Hi, I've posted before so this is part update. My GF is 43 and I'm 54 and we have dated for 3 months. We're both separated from our spouses. Hers is out of country and mine is across the country so we never see them.

 

She's friends with most of her ex's and meets one of them, who she dated 4-5 years ago briefly, monthly. They have met at least 3 times in as many months and she has never mentioned meeting him until I pressed her about what ex's she was still friends with. She said he's just a friend so didn't feel a need to inform me they were going to meet and had met. He has a GF and she says their meetings are appropriate so I believe her and she has suggested we all meet which I appreciated. We talk every day and sleep over 4-5 times a week so I thought that one of those talks at the end of the day would be, "Hey, I met my friend (ex) today, we went for a walk." But that never happened which seemed odd.

 

I'm not friends with any of my girlfriends from 20+ years ago and my STBX wife of 24 years and I are on speaking terms through text. A few months after she moved out in Dec 2018, I had a strong desire to make friends with one or two women so I didn't just have male friends. I have 4 sisters who I can talk to about anything but a close female friend is obviously different.

 

A few months ago, before I met my GF, I joined a divorce support group. The group has a rule; no dating in the group. A few weeks ago, two separate women suggested we do some shared activity. For instance, one is into surfing, as am I, and asked if I wanted to go surfing together. I said yes. She knows I have a GF and wants to meet her.

 

When I told my GF she got jealous and didn't understand why I would seek a new friendship with the opposite sex. She said she had never heard of a man seeking a female as just a friend. I resented the idea that just because we're dating, that I can't make new female friends when she has plenty of male friends, including ex's, and that's okay.

 

I still intend to seek new friendships and if I use my GF's model I shouldn't tell her when, where and what I do with them. But, that's not me. I would feel like I was hiding something from her. She apparently doesn't have that problem so I don't know, maybe she'll do the same some day.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Edited August 6, 2019 by David33

[Foxhall]

I am all for having a few other female friendships along with a girlfriend,

 

I think it is healthy and good to be involved in group activities also and to have interests and so on separate from your partner,

 

that being said, this lady has made it clear she does not like this surfing meet-up,

 

two ways you could play it,

 

stick to your guns meet the other lady for surfing, you are your own man and the girlfriend can like it or lump it.

 

play it cute- give in to your girlfriend and do not go surfing or else go and do not tell her,

 

In similar situations, I would generally take the first option,

 

However I think on this occasion- you have a younger girlfriend- a good catch I assume,

Id play it cute buddy- and that means not going surfing with the other lady (or certainly not telling her if you do!)

[schlumpy]

You are right to be suspicious of her meet up with the former friend especially when they had a romantic past.

 

She proved it to you when she got jealous of your surfing invitation even though the common interest of surfing is a good reason for a friendship. Much better then the one she had for meeting up with her former FWB.

 

I think she is projecting.

 

I would show up at one of their get togethers unannounced.

 

 

Best Wishes

[elaine567]

As you are already aware old vs new.

 

Bringing old friends into a relationship is not equivalent to being IN a relationship and feeling the need to seek out single women as new "friends" to hang out with...

I get it, some passive aggressive nonsense to punish her, make her jealous and toe the line and/or you are still on the lookout and "playing the field".

BUT

Your gf is 12 years younger, you have only been "dating" 3 months, I guess if she has any sense, she will dump you if you persist with this.

 

You are newly separated, go sow some wild oats, is my advice. Forget the "serious" bit and the fake women "friends"...

Men rarely have truly platonic women friends... unless the man is very old or infirm... and even then...

[David33]

Thanks Foxhall. I'll wait until they meet, then I'm going surfing.

 

Thanks Schlumpy, you may be right. I couldn't show up at a meeting. It sounds stalky and I wouldn't know where or when it will be.

 

Thanks elaine567. Your assumptions are a way off. One of the women is still married, I'm not passive aggressive and I don't play the field. If what you say is true about men and platonic relationships then her friend wants to sleep with her. I'd prefer not to think that.

 

Cheers

[elaine567]

If what you say is true about men and platonic relationships then her friend wants to sleep with her. I'd prefer not to think that.

I would guess he does, but I also guess she doesn't want to sleep with him. Women tend to be good at platonic stuff, IME men not so much...

[PRW]

There's a few things here, although it may be hard for me to make it clear. A lot of understanding comes from knowing the differences in how men and woman function and being able to accept that it is the way that it is.

She's friends with most of her ex's and meets one of them, who she dated 4-5 years ago briefly, monthly. They have met at least 3 times in as many months and she has never mentioned meeting him until I pressed her about what ex's she was still friends with.

Have you ever been "Friend Zone"? It is nearly impossible to get out of. The Ex has been "Friend Zoned", it is "Dating Purgatory" where all the "Nice Guys" go to die and are never heard from again. The EX is stuck there,...don't worry about it. Also, did you ever try to "Get an Ex back"? Nearly impossible,...whole books have been written on the subject,...so those Ex's getting your GF back for themselves is nearly impossible.

 

She said he's just a friend so didn't feel a need to inform me they were going to meet and had met.

She knows how insecure and jealous guys can get, so she figured why "stir the pot" over nothing.

 

A few months after she moved out in Dec 2018, I had a strong desire to make friends with one or two women so I didn't just have male friends. I have 4 sisters who I can talk to about anything but a close female friend is obviously different.

Men cannot be friends with women in the same sense he can with a man as a close "buddy". One of the two, usually the guy, will develop feelings over time even if he absolutely denies it to himself and everyone else. Women in the other hand don't have as much of a problem with it and can avoid the emotional attachment to the guy.

 

When I told my GF she got jealous and didn't understand why I would seek a new friendship with the opposite sex. She said she had never heard of a man seeking a female as just a friend. I resented the idea that just because we're dating, that I can't make new female friends when she has plenty of male friends, including ex's, and that's okay.

You just go right on deluding yourself with that. Your GF is smart enough to know that a guy cannot be "best buddies" with a woman. Your GF's "friends" are all Ex's that she Friend Zoned after the breakup. So she already had a history with them. She did not go seek out male friends as some kind of goal.

 

I still intend to seek new friendships and if I use my GF's model I shouldn't tell her when, where and what I do with them.

Then your relationship if over,...it just hasn't collapsed yet. If you are seeking out women for friends as a goal then you have some issues going on there. Insecurities? Seeking acceptance from women? Feeling insecure or inadequate around men? I don't know, but you have something going on there.

 

Women just intuitively understand what you are having such a hard time figuring out. You GF is right and if you're wanting to just actively defy her to seek women friendships without telling her about it then the relationship is effectively over,...just waiting for it to blow up.

[PRW]

I would guess he does, but I also guess she doesn't want to sleep with him. Women tend to be good at platonic stuff, IME men not so much...

Yes, exactly. It is tough to get this through people's heads,...particularly people who have bought the politically correct idea that men and women are "the same". Well,...they are not.

[David33]

Thanks elaine567 and PRW. Plenty to digest. Cheers.

[preraph]

Well, what she said is pretty much true: Men do not normally only want friendship from a woman. There are exceptions, of course. While women find it super easy to take sex out of the equation and be "just friends" with men they're not interested in romantically.

[d0nnivain]

I have always supported pre-existing friendships -- those platonic relationships that pre-date the romance.

 

I am not keen on being friends with an EX but I will concede it's rare but possible. For example: I'm your age. At my 25th HS reunion I reconnected with a guy I dated for about a month in HS. I actually found him at the bar talking to my husband. Now the 2 couples double date occasionally. I do not go out of my way to spend time with him.

 

I would not be comfortable with her spending 1 on 1 time with this guy. If he's dating somebody new & the 4 of you are going out, maybe .

 

Your "new" friend is out of bounds. If your GF is coming along fine, but otherwise get a different male surfing buddy.

[smackie9]

Make new friends with other couples....there problem solved.

[smackie9]

Just me but as you you go through life, your priorities change, and so do your friends....there are people who really don't have an importance in your life and you out grow them. I think this is what she needs to realize that it's time to adjust, and sort out what and who is important in her life.

[kendahke]

if I use my GF's model I shouldn't tell her when, where and what I do with them. But, that's not me. I would feel like I was hiding something from her. She apparently doesn't have that problem so I don't know, maybe she'll do the same some day.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

Do you love her enough to quit trying to make friends with new women and accept that she sees her ex without telling you once a month?

 

If so, then squash the idea of finding new female friends.

 

If not, then tell her exactly what you intend upon doing and there's the door if she doesn't like it. If she doesn't counter with some reasonable compromise--like telling you when she's going to see them, then you know that you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe she has to tow the same line you have to--and are you cool with that enough to stay with her indefinitely?

[MetallicHue]

I think that men can be friends with women but once it goes beyond chatting and more into doing stuff with them (and you’re married) the line starts to get blurred. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my wife hanging out with another guy. I blurred the lines myself in the past which was a mistake.

[SumGuy]

...

. We talk every day and sleep over 4-5 times a week so I thought that one of those talks at the end of the day would be, "Hey, I met my friend (ex) today, we went for a walk." But that never happened which seemed odd.

Key fact for me, you seen her three times in three months, way to soon for most to know if you'd freak out about a platonic ex and frankly too soon for where you are for it to be something she brings up.

 

 

 

When I told my GF she got jealous and didn't understand why I would seek a new friendship with the opposite sex. She said she had never heard of a man seeking a female as just a friend.

Well now she has. I have as well. Bet you will get responses of other men who have as well.

 

 

I resented the idea that just because we're dating, that I can't make new female friends when she has plenty of male friends, including ex's, and that's okay.

Your both right and wrong in my mind.

 

 

She's "right" because these are "new" friends and she thinks your still looking; she's "wrong" not to trust you and assume all male-female relationships are sexual; after all the same could be said of her relationships with other men, she's also wrong the "new" friends are worse than old exs - I mean heck there still may be a flame for an ex and you know they found each other attractive.

 

 

Your "right" in her seeing an ex should be something you mention, how do you know they are over each other; you're "wrong" not to trust her, your also wrong to believe you and her have seen each other enough or are "serious" enough that she needs to inform you of this. Yes at some point I would think she should, just not now.

 

I still intend to seek new friendships and if I use my GF's model I shouldn't tell her when, where and what I do with them. But, that's not me. I would feel like I was hiding something from her. She apparently doesn't have that problem so I don't know, maybe she'll do the same some day.

....

 

 

Be true to you.

[BeJimmiePorce]

it is like looking at hundreds of year old star light through a telescope at night and comparing it to the light of the sun and what it shines today. I think if one is seeking answers they will not fully be answered in such a comparison with the past and now.