So . make sense of this.

[Neewer]

My gf and I were together for 2 years, basically lived together for 1.5 years.

 

When I first met her, I had just moved from DC and came out of a toxic relationship. Initially, I felt she treated me badly when we first started dating.

 

For instance, I drove from DC on valentines day to take her to dinner, we were in contact the whole way and she knew I was coming, I was 30 minutes late with traffic and she went out with her friends instead.

 

She had an ex b/f who kept calling and texting who had pushed her and he would call her a bitch and a cunt, and I asked her to block him and she would say she had but would lie to me about it.

 

She had friends into cocaine and gossip and I didn't want to be around them and told her it was because I didn't think they were into great things and she said "I'm determined to make you friends with them." *** This is important.

 

Basically it was a rough start and my feelings were hurt and I voiced it to her to which she would get upset and say I was over reacting or make an excuse why she's justified.

 

As we went on, we constantly got into arguments. I can't even remember our arguments now. And the relationship just ended but they were constantly there.

 

I would get upset at her posting attention seeking photos, her going out to clubs until 3 am when I'm out of town, not posting anything of us or me, DMing guys on instagram in middle of night, etc. The main reason I'd get upset is because she wouldn't want me doing the behaviors she was doing, so I found that unfair.

 

Those people I didn't want to hang with? They caused SO MANY problems, telling me that my gf was cheating etc. when it wasn't true but it would make me insecure and question her and she would then get mad that I'd listen to them and even question her.

 

These people were the only people I met here since she was the first person I met and we started dating. So I did eventually lower my standards and hang with them for the sake of a good time.

 

And then one day she realized how toxic they were and said "block them all now everywhere". I had a hard time doing that because they were my only friends and she had others, when I didn't and it's harder for me to meet people since I work from home.

 

So I went out with them when she went out with her girlfriends and she flipped out on me. I said I'd block them and not see or talk to them anymore and I lied a few times about texting or seeing them and thats what made her dump me.

 

She dumped me a lot, and one time when she dumped me at a bar another girl scooped me up and I went home with her. At 3 AM she crawled in my bedroom window and found me with the other girl and flipped out and I spat in her face. (so wrong). But I was hurt and she came and found me in that situation that I regretted and I was so angry and hurt again so I wanted to make her feel my pain.

 

We got back together 2 days later and I knew she could never get over me sleeping with another girl. But I tried and I was so sorry.

 

I had to leave for work to DC and every day and night she'd call asking for my location and we argued so much because I was stressed (selling my company) and I just wanted her understanding and support. But she was distrustful and angry.

 

I was gone for 5 weeks and then there was an event in NYC for my family that she came up for and we met there. The week before she argued that my mother didn't like her. Well on the way up my mother was flying and so was my gf so my mother texted and asked when her flight was getting in and if she wanted to share a taxi and grab a drink until I arrived.

 

My gf texted back "I haven't seen you in 5 weeks... I'd like it to just be us"

 

And I went to meet her at train station and I get a group text and she was telling her girlfriend which station I was waiting at. Apparently she invited someone else to meet us?

 

I got upset after we met her friend and said, "Why didn't you give me a heads up? I feel like you were complaining about my mom and here she is reaching out and you tell me you just want to spend time with me but then invite your friend and take a bunch of selfies to put on social media. I felt like a third wheel and I'm hurt."

 

She told me I was insecure and jealous and controlling and never want her to see her friends. That isn't true in the least!

 

I just don't like her going out to clubs until 3 am - nothing good happens at that hour when alcohol is involved at clubs. Especially when we've been on rocky terrain and working on us.

 

So end of story, I came back from DC and when I arrived she had taken all her belongings out of the house and ghosted. Then she met me a few days later after befriending her ex (the original one she never wanted to block) and spending the weekend in his city (but says she didn't see him - who knows if that's true.)

 

I asked her for a second chance and she said no. I went NC and then she heard I went out and gave a girl a ride home and popped back up via text and yelled at me. When I proved to her (from location) I didn't sleep with her she calmed down and met me for dinner. We walked beach and kissed. I asked her to come home with me but she said no.

 

I texted her a few times to meet up again, but she would decline so I didn't push. I would text once every 2-3 days just once to check in the first month.

 

The second month, we met up again for drinks and apps and we kissed again. I brought her breakfast the next day before work and saw her on road driving home after spending night out drinking (it was Wednesday morning and she has corporate job). I was shocked, but just said wanted to start you day off well, take care.

 

She spoke with me that weekend and said she wanted to see my dog again soon maybe the weekend. I texted on weekend and she bailed.

 

This past week she started ignoring texts so I emailed her what's going on? Do I move on is there someone else?

 

She gave an odd reply leaving door open, but not answering question.

 

I saw it was her friends bday this weekend so I used to also consider a friend so I went to her friends work and when she got off gave her flowers and champagne and said, look I'm sorry to show up, but I just need to ask you what I should do or get your perspective. I broke down crying in parking lot and we sat and chatted in car.

 

When ex gf heard this last night she said I was making her very uncomfortable by doing that and to give her, her friends and family space and move on.

 

I'm going to, but I'm shocked at how cruel this person was after two years of living together. It's like I don't recognize them.

[Silver_star]

You are over stepping by talking to her friend (even if you became friends with her friends, You are broken up now and they will default to their original friendship loyalty) Even if they think you are an okay guy...this was a bad move on your part

It doesnt matter how cruel she is, or what...that is not healthy behavior.

 

I saw it was her friends bday this weekend so I used to also consider a friend so I went to her friends work and when she got off gave her flowers and champagne and said, look I'm sorry to show up, but I just need to ask you what I should do or get your perspective. I broke down crying in parking lot and we sat and chatted in car.

[Neewer]

Yes you are right, I knew I messed up. Am I entirely to blame? Is this all my fault? I keep thinking that I was jealous and controlling and insecure and I probably was but I feel like she played a role or am I not taking responsibility?

 

I totally shouldn’t have gone to her friends work. Not cool.

[Silver_star]

No, this is not all your fault. Relationships take two people to work. You can't make her take accountability though. That is her problem.

Please understand that if the relationship was working it would not be this difficult. This relationship sounds like it was toxic from the beginning and got worse.

 

Not sure of your age, but these are life lessons.

You should learn to control your reactions to others behavior and choices.

 

It is good if you can own up to your own part in the failure of the relationship and let it go. It obviously didn't make you the best version of yourself you can be. If you can let go of the relationship and accept it wasnt good for you, you don't need to look at pointing the finger anymore about who is to blame. You can only control your part in it.

 

You can definitely think of how you can work on yourself going forward, don't beat yourself up over it, but accept that this one was not right for you.