Jesstada Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I know that this is commonly interpreted as lying to yourself but I still just need to get it out of my mind. I broke up with my bf whom I've been with for two years and living together for about one year. The main reason is that we just constantly fight over nothing and I believe it comes from the fact that we never met each others need/expectation for a partner even though we tried. I'm not meeting his need for something and neither does he and we are just constantly left frustrated and picking on each other. He also has a bit of alcoholic problem that he says really mean and terrible things after drinking. So I decided to finally end it. In spite of all these, I also feel that we never quite reach the level. We became really good and intimate friend and live as partners but we never got the sort of harmony that I see in other couples. Even though I'm the one that broke up (it is mutual he accepted it but of course it was hard too), I'm very sad that I'm losing my best friend. I don't think we work as partners but he is also my really good friend that I spent so much time with. A partner is at the same time your best friend is how I feel. I'm not sure if he would think the same as he was reluctant of this outcome but only agreed because I want it. Should I keep in touch once I move out or should I just leave him alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Leave him alone. He doesn't need you as a friend, I'm sure he has plenty of guy friends, same way you do not need him as a friend, that's what your girl friends are for. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 This takes a LOT of emotional maturity. Some folks can handle it, but many if not most cannot. Consider how you will feel as his friend when he finds a new GF and she's pretty and he's really into her. Consider how he might feel once you get a new BF. And if he's harboring secret feelings and then gets drunk one day... Seems to me this is asking for trouble/drama. You can be sure that across the country assaults happen every day over situations like this. IMO true friends aren't normally problematic to a relationship; however "orbiter" ex's frequently can be... Link to post Share on other sites
Swingen Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) It's always the dumper who wants to be friends. The dumpee is shell shocked and may want to be friends in a hope of getting back together. You ended it, it's up to him if he wants to friends with you. Think about this... will he want to here about your new boyfriend and the great new sex? Will you want to know him really when your in the new relationship love bubble. Google 'my ex wants to be friends' there's a lot of good stuff out there. In my opinion, nope you can't, Edited August 7, 2019 by Swingen added more stuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Yes, when we break up, we often lose our best friend. But this isn't a life-long best friend ... you've dated two years, you say? No, being friends doesn't work 99.999 percent of the time. It really doesn't. As Swingen said, your ex (the dumpee) will almost certainly interpret being friends as being one step along the path to getting back together as lovers. Dumpees can't help themselves in this regard. They will fake like they're happy being friends, they'll lie to themselves ... they'll be extra nice ... all in an attempt to win you back. Attempting to be friends only undermines the dumpee's recovery and eventual moving on with their life. And you're not going to be able to date someone (at least someone who's sharp and mature) when you tell them that you're "best friends" with your ex, your recent ex. Everybody knows that's toxic and doesn't work. I'm super close friends with an ex, but she and I only dated a short while. We were friends first ... and it took years ... maybe a decade before we could fully rekindle that friendship. And frankly, you won't be friends. You're living with him. If you were living with a genuine friend, you would feel comfortable bringing men home and having loud sex with them. And let's say you move out, again ... if you're really friends, you could call your ex and tell him bluntly about any new guy you met. What you can do ... what lots of folks do with exes ... is internalize over time the connection they felt with the person. Remember his good words, what you liked about him, what he did that made you feel good about yourself ... What you learned from dating him--the good and the bad, the bad being things you want to avoid next time you date. The bottom line is that "losing" your best friend is part of parcel of breaking up when you have a serious relationship. I'm divorced ... yeah, I lost my best friend, but that's the way it has to be. The friendship is more tied into the romance--the romance is more tied into the friendship--that you're thinking right now. He will not be able to be your best friend. It will thoroughly self-destructive for him to even attempt to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Leave him alone. If you see him out & about be gracious & civil but let him set the pace / tone. You dumped him so he gets to lick his wounds. Right now it would be too painful for him to be your friend because he wants more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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