He cheated and lied about it

[Melrose78]

I know the saying is all wounds heal but this is very fresh. We ended it a few hours ago after I confronted him.

My now ex was cheating on me with another girl. And funny enough the night he slept with her I had a feeling something had happened. Just by his SMS the next day n what he actually didn't say in the message.

It's hard enough knowing he cheated. But twice? I guessed the second time as well. He's a bad lier. He said he was having a boys night possibly but wasn't going to be sure until the Friday. He's words didn't add up. And I read people well.

 

So the first time was a month ago n the second time 1 1/2 weeks ago. The night before we went out to celebrate our 4 year anniversary.

 

How do you move past someone you loved with all your heart ripping your heart out?

I was stupid. He's always been up and down with his emotions. And each time he would back off I would "fix" it. Instead of believing in my own self worth.

[MetallicHue]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. When someone you love betrays you it cuts to the bone. All I can tell you is that you did not deserve this. From what I’ve seen in the forum it will just take time to let things go. The pain will be great for a while but over time it will wane. I hope that you find happiness again in the near future.

[schlumpy]

To answer your question about moving on - you can't move on if you sweep everything under the rug. That was a mistake and it looks like you've learned that.

 

By allowing him to come back with minimal consequences it created a dynamic between the two of you that made it likely he would cheat again.

 

So it's ended and I hope you were the one to end it because that's a good sign that you are seeing clearly now.

 

It's a waiting game until your feelings are under control. Block all communication and go no contact. Avoid places where you have gone to or are likely to meet. Don't allow friends to relay news about your Ex.

 

Take this opportunity to do something new and interesting.

 

Get rid of all memorabilia and if you cannot bring yourself to deep six them then at least box it up securely and put it in a dark and lonely place - wet and damp may apply also.

 

Go out with friends as a group, exercise even if it consists of a 20 min walk once a day. Grieve but don't isolate yourself.

 

It won't be easy but you will come out on the other side a wiser person for it.

[smackie9]

gather up all his crap, put it in a metal garbage can and set it on fire.

Edited August 7, 2019 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

First you stop thinking of yourself as stupid. You knew something was off & your instinct proved to be right. That is hardly stupid.

 

Now that you know he can't be trusted, you end things. Then you lick wounds. In a while you move forward. You get your self esteem back by knowing you didn't sit around & let him disrespect you. You stuck up for yourself.

[Melrose78]

I gave him his stuff back. Still have a little bit here. I won't burn it ? because he has a few things I want back.

 

I just don't get cheating. Why? I'm assuming it's because he didn't love me but couldn't end it because he was scared to be alone.

 

And for a girl to sleep with a guy, knowing he's in a relationship. Wtf is with that?!

 

I was warned by people on here that he's uncertainty was because he's not into me.

I ignored it. I basically gave him permission to treat me like this. Lesson learnt!

[Melrose78]

I read your post enigma. All I can say is the girl is a player. I don't get people like that. Stay single of you only want your ego stroked.

[schlumpy]

I just don't get cheating. Why? I'm assuming it's because he didn't love me but couldn't end it because he was scared to be alone.

 

WARNIGN! This is just my opinion based on observation and reading. I cannot support this speculation except with anecdotal evidence.

 

I think it's possible he loves you. I'm sure he said the sex didn't mean anything. It appears to me that there are at least two types of people when it comes to sex. There are those who equate sex with love and those who view it as a recreational activity with little or no connection to love. I believe your ex fits in the later category.

 

In the future attempt to match up with the category you feel you belong to.

[Melrose78]

No he said he was drawn to this girl. And that it meant something by cheating. Eg he wasn't in love with me.

There's no going back

But I'm curious. How many relationships last that are based on cheating on a partner. I can't see it lasting. Especially with everyone finding out. His best friend and best friends wife reached out to me. I don't think he has his "nice guy" status anymore.

My emotions are all over the shop. I've joined some singles pages not to date. But to meet others. But even that makes me feel weird.

I can't eat. Haven't eaten for 2 days. And living on 4 hours sleep. I know it gets easier. And I know I need to try n stay busy. But when you're by yourself n the brains ticking over...

If only there was an off button!

[d0nnivain]

I can't eat. Haven't eaten for 2 days. And living on 4 hours sleep. I know it gets easier. And I know I need to try n stay busy. But when you're by yourself n the brains ticking over...

 

If only there was an off button!

 

There isn't an "off' button but you can change the channel. When you find yourself upset, stop. Acknowledge what you are feeling & then redirect your mind. Say positive things to yourself about the situation & do some breathing to calm yourself.

[Melrose78]

He's coping a bit of wrath from a few people ??? Serves him right.

One of my friends sent him this "Hi Frank its Sharon

Im sorry to hear that you & Mel l have spilt up

But im glad she is a strong proud respectable person that has her own integrity

U are a very disappointing character with no self respect or integrity & don't deserve someone like mel I hope ur daughters don't find out the kind of male u really are u lack so much of the goodness hope life gives you back spades of disrespect as u have given"

[elaine567]

My guess all that problems with the dog, the arguments, the supposed "fear" was all to do with him not being serious about you.

He may even have been cheating then too.

[Melrose78]

Definitely Washington serious about me.

He wasn't cheati then. That I know. I knew he started recent because he was responding differently. Cheating is a scummy thing to do. The one cheating n also the one who's cheating with. I will listen to my instincts more in the future.

[Watercolors]

People cheat because they want to. Cheating is -- for some -- a quick fix to a more serious problem (that they don't want to be with the person they're with anymore).

 

It would be more considerate for the want-to-be-cheater to just end the relationship b/c that shows that at least they respect their partner's feelings. When they choose to cheat on their partner instead, that is because at their core, they don't respect their partner's feelings and are not emotionally invested in their partner's welfare or well-being anymore. Otherwise, they wouldn't cheat.

 

If the cheater creates problems like picking fights, that's because they are too cowardly to leave the relationship before they have their rebound partner set up first.

 

A guy who cheated on me actually tried to deny his cheating even after I showed him text message proof of his cheating. I asked him why he didn't just break up with me instead of cheat. His response was revealing b/c he said, "You weren't worth the effort. Sorry."

[Melrose78]

I'm hearing ya, watercolours. That's something I'm making myself face. Kills me inside knowing it but maybe that's a lesson I'm meant to learn. I'm just shocked. He's always been thought of by everyone who knows him as a super nice guy. He's fallen off that status now.

[Melrose78]

I know he either never loved me or stopped loving me.

I just struggle knowing he held onto us until he met someone else. Someone's who knew he had a girlfriend and slept with him twice while on drugs both times apparently as well.

We broke up in my eyes the last time. I was done. But he convinced me to stay. He loved me.

 

I know he's a man child. He's decision show me he doesn't deserve me. Never has.

But that still doesn't take away the fact that I'm left cleaning up a broken heart.

In my head I see how close we were. Then he met her and that changed. But for it to become what is now. I will never understand it forgive.