Logo Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 You're either turning in for the night or have just awakened and you start feeling lonely. You might even wake up late at night, toss and turn, unable to sleep, you find your thoughts wandering. You might have been dating someone, you might have just broken up with someone or they have broken up with you. You might even be trying to date, but it's just not working out. What do you tell yourself to help cope with the loneliness? Do the phrases "It's been years" and "It would be nice if someone I like or love was lying next to me" bounce inside your head like the annoying rattle of an empty tin can? Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I’d actually flip it the other way. What about some people who are happy being single? I’m married but in all honesty there’s been times I just wish I was by myself. Relationships are incredibly stressful some times and take a huge emotional investment. Sometimes they are great. Sometimes they fizzle out and people stay in them for years - like my parents did just to torture me. I think you’re going at this with a one sided view. I have a friend who doesn’t want all the drama, who’s in her 40s and happily single for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Logo Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 I understand your perspective. But a healthy relationship isn't supposed to be stressful or require constant work. I had been in a relationship that started out two sided and felt like heaven on earth until it became one sided and was emotionally draining. I finally felt relief when I was single. My perspective is that relationships are a journey where two people make the decision to travel together and help one another, overcome obstacles together and hopefully become better versions of themselves. Some people stay together in spite of all the negativity because it suits some aspects of their life - it's a convenient living arrangement, it's a convenient fill in the blank ___ Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I get what you are saying, Logo. I don't NEED a man in my life, but I would like someone who I can trust to have my back, care for me, share life experiences with me, and I will do the same for him. He would accept me as I am and not try to change me, and again, I would do the same for him. I keep myself busy working about 70 hours per week, but that loneliness does creep in when I am stuck in my head, usually alone at night. I didn't think that wish for a partner was too much to ask. Unfortunately, I made the wrong choice - twice. It makes me afraid to make a move in any direction ever again. (Not that I am ready to do so now, nor in the near future....) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I wake up to a dog on each side most days. I’m good with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I have a hot tub and when I get too lonely and need a hug I take a soak... it helps a little bit... nothing beats the feel of another human being though. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 just waking up is a spiritual event 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing just by being alone, but it's just a fleeting thought. Nothing beats the feel of another human being, sure. But when you're single, you have so much more time to do things you want to do, go where you want to go and have time to improve. And sometimes it's just better than being in an unhealthy relationship. Loneliness will come and go, you just can't let it get you down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 A day of loneliness is better than a day of abuse.... Yep... That saying got me through a lot of dark days 3 Link to post Share on other sites
girlinNYC Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I used to be a hopeless romantic until my mindset changed. The only person you need is yourself. It all comes from within. If you haven't worked on yourself there is absolutely nothing that can fill a void because your inner self will still be empty. Are you a self confident person? Link to post Share on other sites
LauraXX Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I do have lonely evenings. But when that happens, I remind myself that I was single in the happiest phases of my life. And that during the loneliest and saddest times of my life - I was actually in a relationship. So I know that I don't need a partner to be happy. However, it's been a while since my last commited relationship and I'm definitely ready to give it another try. But I'd rather stay alone for ten more years than being in another "relationship of convenience". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 That's how I feel. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having that closeness. I have been single so long now I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship but I am willing to try as soon as the right guy shows up... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 OP, It sounds like you hold a good perspective on this issue. I've learned the hard way several times that there's no reason to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling for you, isn't a partnership, and where both people put in equal effort. I personally love your line "My perspective is that relationships are a journey where two people make the decision to travel together and help one another, overcome obstacles together and hopefully become better versions of themselves." I have found though that as a culture we suffer from "slash and burn" or a "scorched earth" policy. While people stayed in bad relationships in years gone by because it wasn't easy to divorce, women weren't empowered to work and support themselves, religious reasons,etc. - the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme with a lot of people. People, and not just "millennials" find it easy to cut the cord and run the first time there's a problem, the first time the relationship gets hard, or the first time there needs to be real compromise. I totally understand that it's not always easy to be the first in a relationship to flex to support a partner, especially for those of us who are loving, caring, and giving by nature. But you can't not be who you are and love is a risk. We see these "cute" couples all over social media, TV, etc. and people just wait till it's too late to find the "perfect" person or relationship or they bounce from one relationship to the next because they have some ideal in their minds. But a real relationship is built on mutuality, partnership, and as you said - working together to better themselves and each other. Yes, lots of threads and advice on threads here about needing to be relatively okay with yourself first. Totally agree. But I think we overestimate how "easy" a relationship should be. I recently got out of a two-year relationship. There was an age gap between us but it wasn't a problem for me at first. But with hindsight I can now see that I was ignoring the signs that she wasn't really emotionally mature, she was from a controlling and un-affectionate family, and she had no real relationship experience. So despite her words and verbal caring, she wasn't really sacrificing anything to be with me (I bent over backwards to make it work) and once things got a bit difficult, she cut and run. Maybe I should have known better being the "older, wiser" person, but I was honestly in love and I am a giver by nature. That said, lesson for me that it's not just about words and it's not just about someone committing - it's about level of effort and a hundred other small things that I didn't pick up on we were missing. So back to your post/question - there's a lot of things to tell yourself when you're lonely. It depends on your circumstances. Fresh out of a relationship things like "it will get better" and "I deserve better" help - especially if it wasn't a mutual and mature break up. Single for a while - I think it's important to keep a checklist of what you want in a partner and a relationship - and refine it every week, twice a month, monthly - it will help bring up memories to validate your worth, the effort you put into past relationships, and help guide you moving forward. And for me, after previous break ups, it's been healthy to chat with a few close people. And tbh - nothing wrong with a short fling or two in between serious things. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 I have been single for years (as well as most of my life) and I can honestly say that thought has never crossed my mind. For me it's always been the other way around. When I have someone in my bed, I can't wait for them to leave so that I can have the whole bed for myself Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 totally agree ES Link to post Share on other sites
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