Onwards13 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Long story short- I caught my husband cheating with a work colleague 6 months and left. Overall I’m doing well since leaving but the thing that stings the most is that he manipulated the story to make it out that the affair was a joke and I’m just ‘psycho’ and ‘crazy’. I’ll add I caught him red-handed and have proof of his affair. He won’t admit to it and has turned the story around to say I wasn’t happy and made up his cheating to leave. Anything else I can handle but being accused of lying hurts to the core. How does one deal with being made out to be a villian ? How does one deal with the hurt when people don’t believe you? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this situation. The people who don't believe you - or who at least stay neutral - need to be cut from your life. They aren't your friends. Are any of them people who you deeply care about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Show them the proof and tell them to go to hell for believing a lying manipulative cheater. You don't need these people in your life. He is projecting his guilt onto you to justify himself. He is a POS. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Ah yes - the proof! Show them the proof. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) Who is he lying to exactly? If it’s people at work or acquaintances, I wouldn’t care. If it’s family and close friends, I would tell them the truth. If it’s my children, I would grab him by the balls and make him stop. (just kidding, I wouldn’t hurt him but I would make him stop). The thing is, if you don’t give him attention he will eventually stop. So, pick your battles. And as has been said, if people believe his lies - well, those aren’t your friends. Still, it sounds like you have done well to leave this man. Consider that a blessing. The rest will pass... Edited August 7, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Yes if you have proof show it to them. That will prove to them he's lying. Personally I wouldn't give a darn. As long as I know the truth I'm done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 Personally I wouldn't give a darn. As long as I know the truth I'm done. I feel the same. Most of us fought this battle in high school or earlier, realizing that defending our self to gossip, lies and/or innuendo simply perpetuates the cycle and gives it more credence. Your STBX husband could allege anything from abuse to embezzlement, are you going to hire a publicist for rebuttal? Live your life to your standards. Be a good person and, in a general sense, good things will happen. Leave the mud-wrestling to pigs and others who enjoy it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 My ex-wife played the same game. I don't know if she was being unfaithful but her actions certainly indicated it, I lost trust in her and I left. She's been playing the victim card with people for years now; "He just left me and I don't know why!!!". She was still spewing that crap to people after the old/new boyfriend/now husband moved in before the ink was even dry on the paperwork. It made me angry initially and I would defend myself. But I stopped when I realized that the people who were asking were inconsequential in my life, for the most part. They weren't asking because they were truly concerned; they were just in it for the gossip. My friends and family know exactly what happened and that's all that matters to me. A mutual friend of ours approached me while I was shooting pool at a bar a few years ago. She was drunk and wanted to know what happened. I told her that it was done, over and it really didn't matter. She pressed the issue by stating "She says you just abandoned her!". My response was simple; "Believe her if you want, I really don't care. Please let me get back to my game." Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 (edited) They weren't asking because they were truly concerned; they were just in it for the gossip. My friends and family know exactly what happened and that's all that matters to me. Never underestimate people’s interest in good gossip!!! Still, this is exactly why you should not respond OP. Nothing that you say will satisfy the need for gossip - and try as you may, you can’t control the narrative. Whatever you say will be exaggerated, twisted, and misconstrued - and repeated for truth! The people who really matter will know the truth. Otherwise, you should try to adopt the wise old adage... “I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!” Edited August 7, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onwards13 Posted August 7, 2019 Author Share Posted August 7, 2019 Thx all for the feedback - the people I’m referring to are his family - they don’t believe he cheated and are making me out to be a bad wife who left him for no response. It’s especially vexing bc we have a son and so I will see these people for the rest of their lives - I just wish he would speak the truth but he cares too much what people think of him and would never want to be the ‘bad guy’ in his parents eyes so is throwing me under the bus instead. Sigh... infuriating!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 His family is always going to take his side. It doesn’t mean that you can’t tell them the truth. It just means that they may/may not chose to believe you and they are likely to still take his side. I would try to limit contact as much as possible and be cordial when you have to see them at events for your son. Sometimes, that’s the best you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I had the same issue with my mother-in-law early on. She thought I was over-reacting to the situation and being reactive. Her and I had several discussions about the situation, I explained what was going on but she just couldn't wrap her head around what my ex was doing. But, at the end of the day, my ex-wife's actions did all of the talking for me and she apologized to me. Honestly, I would just put it to bed when it comes to your former in-laws. Nothing good will come out of discussing the situation with them. They'll either live in denial which will just make things worse or they'll believe you and it'll create drama. I would step in and say something if your son starts making off remarks/repeating what they said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 If they don't believe you, they are not your friends. I went through this same thing with my first husband, and now I am going through it at the end of my second marriage. It's very frustrating when someone rewrites your story, but you just have to remember it's YOUR story. You know the truth, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Cut the haters out of your life. If they take his side, they deserve him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 I would step in and say something if your son starts making off remarks/repeating what they said. THIS is the most importantly thing to consider. Not sure how old your son is, but adult problems are for adults to resolve. Your son should not be drawn into this conflict, he should not be told or overhear disparaging comments about his mother (or father for that matter). To hurt the parent in front of the child is to hurt the child. This is where I would absolutely stand strong because this kind of behavior, should it occur, should never be tolerated. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 If they don't believe you, they are not your friends. I went through this same thing with my first husband, and now I am going through it at the end of my second marriage. It's very frustrating when someone rewrites your story, but you just have to remember it's YOUR story. You know the truth, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Cut the haters out of your life. If they take his side, they deserve him. AAANNNNNDDDD I just read that it's his family. Let them off the hook. My first husband's family was my only family for 32 years and I lost them all when I left him. It was painful, but in the end they were his family, not mine. I agree with Bailey that a child (regardless of age) should never be brought into the fold in that situation. To say something against his/her parent is to insult half of who they are. I cannot stand to see that happen. Do your best to protect your son from the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 My first husband's family was my only family for 32 years and I lost them all when I left him. It was painful, but in the end they were his family, not mine. This is key unfortunately. He is their blood and they will be by his side whether he was right or wrong to you. Now is the time to go back to your family for support. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 But, at the end of the day, my ex-wife's actions did all of the talking for me An important point. Onwards13, for people like your husband, lying, cheating and spreading gossip isn't a one-time occurrence. The truth and resulting karma will eventually catch up to him... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2019 Share Posted August 7, 2019 [...] - they don’t believe he cheated and are making me out to be a bad wife who left him for no response. [...] but he cares too much what people think of him and would never want to be the ‘bad guy’ Onwards13, According to what you posted that is vexing you, it is also that you care too much what people think of you...unless I am misunderstanding something... ...but you also don't want other people to think, accurately or inaccurately, that you are the 'bad girl' who just dumped him for no good reason(?) Of course it is hurtful and disappointing when people who 'should' know us better nevertheless choose to believe a false negative thing about us... ...but we can find some consolation in the fact that those people need their false/fantasy/pretend perceptions for their own unknown-to-us reasons. Even though these people are, and will always be, your child's family, and, thus, in his life, does not mean that you have to be in their life in any meaningful way... ...unless they come around to see you for who you are, and that you are not a liar. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 I basically stopped talking when I was going through my divorce. Dropped off the face of the earth to pretty much all mutual acquaintances. Including my own family - because my ex-husband made a point of calling around to everybody he could think of and telling them that the reason I had left him was because I went crazy and suddenly started sleeping around and just wanted to party (whole lotta projection there). He called MY MOTHER and told her that. I just shut my mouth and let him run his. Two people asked me about the things he'd said: my mother called me right away and was like "wtf?" and I told her my version of the story (cause she's MY mom), and HIS sister (also my childhood best friend - though we did have a falling out surrounding the divorce) eventually asked me "He said XYZ happened. What happened?" And when I told her (that it was HIS idea to get into "swinging" and that our marriage fell apart after that all went off the rails), all she really said was "that makes a lot more sense." Anybody who isn't close enough to me to know what he's saying AND ask me about it? I don't need to waste my breath reacting publicly to nonsense. The truth usually sorts itself out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onwards13 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Thank you all - your wisdom is appreciated. I’m going to bite my tongue going forward - stop caring what others think - I know the truth, he knows the truth, and I’ll just remain grateful to be out of a toxic situation. Good riddance! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 An important point. Onwards13, for people like your husband, lying, cheating and spreading gossip isn't a one-time occurrence. The truth and resulting karma will eventually catch up to him... Mr. Lucky I surely hope so. I feel bad for you, as I am currently going though the same thing. There are a bunch of people who just listen to the gossip, and a handful of people may come back and ask you your side. As already said... the people who turn on you without listening to both sides aren't really your friend. In my situation... my STBxW has spread that I was an abuser, both physically and mentally to her and the kids. She has tried to get my folks to believe that, and she has actually said to me... POINT BLANK... that "The only reason people are listening to me is because I'm lying about the entire situation." So, in this case, she has go off the rails, but doesn't see it. (I've never touched her, or even called her a name in 20 years) With that said... I've already come to the conclusion that I WILL loose some people I knew... but there is a larger majority that I'm just giving some time, and I will eventually approach them with the truth. The real pisser in all of this is... these lies are affecting the relationships of my kids and their friends, because the parent thinks I'm someone I'm not. No real help... just empathy. Sorry for your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 @Blind-Sided I went through the something similar with my ex-wife. She started coming up with outlandish stories when the truth behind our divorce started becoming clearer to people. She had quite a few people believing that I just abandoned her initially but apparently her Facebook page told a completely different story. I had her blocked so I don't know what she was posting but our mutual "friends" started to question her story so she upped the ante with some weird accusations. I was quite angry when I first heard what she was saying but I just let it be because a) what she was saying wasn't true and completely out of left field and b) anyone that's spent time with me knows that I'm not an abusive individual.. AND, people know she has a helluva temper that she shows often. At the end of the day, the only people that bought into her crap were those that don't truly know either of us. We had a close mutual friend that took her side throughout all of it until my ex-wife started spewing her crap. That friend texted me about a year after the divorce and apologized for buying into the crap. At the end of the day, my ex-wife ran off a lot of people with her actions and her mouth. Her professional reputation took a hit because she wouldn't shut up while I was fine because I kept my trap shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 @Blind-Sided ................. That friend texted me about a year after the divorce and apologized for buying into the crap. Funny you say that... I was talking with one of the older guys in my neighborhood yesterday, and he reflected the same thing. I knew his wife was starting to buy into the gossip... but he knew me better, and waited to hear both sides. At the end of the day, my ex-wife ran off a lot of people with her actions and her mouth.... It's happed already with a few people we know. But the unfortunate part is... one of those people is our oldest daughter. Sorry to the OP for sidetracking. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 No one wants to be the villain in thier story. This is to be expected. However, it's not always out and out lies, more what happened from the individual perspective. A cheater will site issues from before the cheating and the betrayed sites the cheating. Is one more right then the other? Is one lying and the other being honest or is it simply two versions of the same story Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onwards13 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 No one wants to be the villain in thier story. This is to be expected. However, it's not always out and out lies, more what happened from the individual perspective. A cheater will site issues from before the cheating and the betrayed sites the cheating. Is one more right then the other? Is one lying and the other being honest or is it simply two versions of the same story I would say if one party is outright denying the cheating to outsiders then that’s lying - two versions of the same story would be if the facts were the same but the reasoning/perspective behind it was different. When one is simply denying the facts (I didn’t cheat - she’s just crazy) that takes it to another level 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts