How to cope with being made the villian...?

[DKT3]

I would say if one party is outright denying the cheating to outsiders then that’s lying - two versions of the same story would be if the facts were the same but the reasoning/perspective behind it was different. When one is simply denying the facts (I didn’t cheat - she’s just crazy) that takes it to another level

 

This is deeper then cheating, truth is there is some resentment on his behalf. So while it may seem obvious to you it may not to him. This happens far more often with woman who has quit thier marriage long before she let her husband know, but he may have felt he didn't cheat because he quit you long before that.

 

Make no mistake, I'm not agreeing, if you were married he cheated. But

[OatsAndHall]

No one wants to be the villain in thier story. This is to be expected. However, it's not always out and out lies, more what happened from the individual perspective.

 

A cheater will site issues from before the cheating and the betrayed sites the cheating. Is one more right then the other? Is one lying and the other being honest or is it simply two versions of the same story

 

 

IMO, infidelity is infidelity, period. It isn't something that can be explained away and expect to get a pat on the head. If there are issues within a relationship then they either need to be addressed or the relationship just needs to end. But, it needs to end BEFORE someone starts screwing around.

 

 

 

And, the OP's story is a clear example of yet another factor that makes infidelity within a relationship/marriage nasty and difficult to deal with. It's hard enough to come to grips with a spouse screwing around, much less having that spouse lie about their infidelity and paint the other partner as the bad-guy.

 

 

 

In my situation, it was just a constant roller coaster of emotions; depression, anger, acceptance, depression, anger acceptance...First, I had to work through the basic but harsh pain of losing a spouse. Then, I had to handle the fact that she was messing around. AND, throughout all of that, I had to come to grips with her lying about everything to everyone. I navigated my way through all of that and then got smacked down the road with more lies...

[Ronni_W]

No one wants to be the villain in thier story. [...] However, it's not always out and out lies, more what happened from the individual perspective.

[...] Is one lying and the other being honest or is it simply two versions of the same story

Agree, generally, about the role that individual perspective plays in our interpretation and experience of the circumstances and events of our life.

 

But, it still is on us to be able to distinguish and want to uphold facts and truth, instead of using or relying on lies, deception, pretense and the illusions that we try to use, and tell others,

to keep ourselves from looking like the villain in our own story.

 

Not to mention that, if someone does not want to come across like or be the villain, then all they need to do is just act with integrity and in accordance with their own highest values and standards.

(They lie about precisely those things that make them seem a villain, so obviously they do know what it is.)

 

That is, if you know that you cheated, then you get to say that you cheated...each and every extenuating circumstance notwithstanding...although you can give those details, as well.

If I understand it correctly, this is about the cheater trying to pretend that no cheating ever happened, and that Onwards13 is actually making it up...which is not the fact or the truth of it.

[Turning point]

Yes, his family is not your concern.

 

Also, your ex's preoccupation with his self-image is something he acquired from that family. They were his teachers and they too, will adopt whatever version of the story suits their image. It's a dysfunction you can't change.

 

Let them do them, and you do you. Right now, that sounds hollow but in time as you grow stronger you'll find that your knowledge of the truth is indeed enough.