Will ex be ready to commit, or is it really over forever?

[Silver_star]

My ex is coming to town this weekend for a wedding.

I am wondering if it is worth throwing one last hail mary for us to get together or to talk about us, or would it reek of desperation and sully the memory of us?

 

We have been broken up for 3 months now. I walked away from him because he was unwilling to commit to a long term relationship (he is 34), he would always say he didnt know if he saw a future with anyone...which drove me mad and upset me due to my deep emotional investment in him. He moved away for a work promotion and didn't know when he would be changing that situation, so we became long distance after a year of dating, and he expressed that he didn't want to live together, so I was unsure of how we would change the current situation with him not willing to discuss future commitment.

I was willing to help him by talking about it, or wait if he was willing to dig deeper about what was holding him back (past relationship scars, work, stress, family, culture), but he was not interested in talking about it. He agreed it is likely just timing in his life more than fear itself.

It was all on his terms.

 

On the positive side, obviously I loved him very much. He was very sweet to me, supportive of my life with family, friends and career, we shared a passionate sex life, when he lived in my city we saw each other 5-6 times a week, when he moved we texted and facetimed called every day, we travelled to a couple cool places together and shared an intense connection, he became my closest friend ...but I still had to walk away because of the misalignment in future relationship goals was hurting me every day.

 

Back to now: After the break up he was upset, but not willing to chase me. He said it made 100% sense to him that I wouldnt want to date someone who didnt see a future with me and that he wished me the best. He was sad, but he is so damn logical he didnt even fight me on it.

I felt like **** that he didnt chase after me like in the movies...but it is what it is. I know he missed me and I know he cared about me, because he is a proud man and he would still text me for a month and a half to see how I was doing and ask about things in my life. It was very hard on me to hear from him in a casual way, so I stopped texting him back and we havent spoken for over 30 days. I don't know anything about his life because he is a very private person and doesnt share anything on social media, and he is in another city so I definitely dont know his friends or anything...ive been grieving the loss of someone who is still alive, but is gone in every other sense from my life. He seemed to be the right one for me other than the commitment to future...and I still think about him every single day and cry for what I feel we lost.

 

I was thinking I could send him a text now that its been over 30 days NC and now that I know hes coming to town this weekend to gauge his response. Would that be worse for me, now that i have gone this long without contact?

 

I know he views my social media stories, and I know he has got to be thinking of me too.

Should I leave it alone, and just see if he reaches out to me?

[d0nnivain]

If he reaches out, you may have a chance. But he knows you want commitment. If he can't give that to you, he is being honorable by staying away.

 

Unless you are willing to go with the flow & not have a commitment, you reaching out to him may get you a ONS while he's in town but all you will be doing is going back into a relationship that wasn't working for you. Love is not enough.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think there is any point in contacting him. You would know if he’d had a change of heart about committing to you, but hasn’t.

 

Seeing him isn’t going to go the way you hope.

[schlumpy]

He knows where you live and he knows your email address. If he contacts you then there is reason to hope. If he doesn't and you initiate instead, you will backslide on all the progress you've made since you walked away and then he will walk away back to his new life.

 

The ball is in his court and you can't get it back unless he passes it to you.

 

I hope you can hang on. I admire the strength you displayed when you walked away from a relationship that you are deeply invested in but was not in your best interest.

[SophieG]

OP, I feel like you are me, in the future. I read your original post about that relationship and I felt like I could have written it. Been with my boyfriend for a year now. When we talk about the future, it’s pretty vague... like he talks about activities and vacations we could take next summer and stuff, but when it comes to commitments (moving in and all), that’s where it gets blurry. A difference is that we’ve met each other’s family numerous times and we spent holidays with both families. Lately, he talked about cities where we could live that would be close to both our jobs and all. Where I live, leases are up in July, and we need to give answers by March as to if we’re staying or moving. So last week, I asked him where he stood on moving in together next summer. He doesn’t know. He can see a future with me, but doesn’t know if he’ll be able to make the move when it’s time... What happens if things change? Will you still love me once we’re together 24/7? Can I really go through this heartache of splitting after moving again? He told me that he can tell me all day long that he sees a future with me, but if he doesn’t take actions, his words don’t mean sh*t. It was not the answer I wanted to hear, but it was honest. He has a lot of issues with past relationships and his family (don’t even get me started on them). He’s aware that those emotions are preventing him from moving forward. He brought up therapy to sort it all out... we’ll. I’ve made my mind, if by February he’s not ready to move in with me next summer, I’ll have to call it quits. It will break my heart, but I’m not going to waste more time with someone who doesn’t want to commit to me. He’s aware of that and he even said, that this winter, he’ll have a decision to make : move in or break it off. I might be wasting my time right now, but I’m willing to see where this goes.

 

Sorry for the thread jacking, your story just resonated so much with what I’m feeling right now. Back to you, my advice would be to not contact him. He knows what you want and if he’s willing to move forward and commit to you, he will reach out. You contacting him will probably lead you to accept less than what you want, and it would be taking a step back.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Flame Aura]

Sorry OP, but when he said he is not sure about commitment.. about a future.. with anyone.. what he really meant is with you.

 

I know this because I said the exact same thing to my ex. I wasn't ready to have kids, I wasn't ready to get married etc. I have a new girlfriend now and I cannot wait to move in with her and marry her and have kids with her. Nothing has really changed in my life... apart from my girlfriend.

 

 

If he wanted to get back with you he would have contacted you, or chased you as you say. His actions are pretty clear.

 

 

Do not contact him, continue moving on and find someone who appreciates you for you.

[Silver_star]

@Flame aura

no, I don’t think that’s what he meant. He is a good person. Just because that’s how you felt with your ex doesn’t mean that’s how all guys behave or think.

 

He didn’t want to break up. He cried when we did. He just didn’t want to talk about future and couldn’t give me a timeline for commitment which is what I want and need. Why is the onus on me to prove im worthy of a commitment? You saying he just doesn’t want a commitment with YOU... Is only something you can say when you move on and are ready for a commitment and judging from your posts you didn’t jump right into it with your current girl.. it took over a year.

 

While it’s true that he may be ready at another point, with another girl... it doesn’t mean my qualities are worse than that unknown future girl. That’s just garbage thinking and it’s pretty insulting.

[Flame Aura]

@Flame aura

no, I don’t think that’s what he meant. He is a good person. Just because that’s how you felt with your ex doesn’t mean that’s how all guys behave or think.

 

He didn’t want to break up. He cried when we did. He just didn’t want to talk about future and couldn’t give me a timeline for commitment which is what I want and need. Why is the onus on me to prove im worthy of a commitment? You saying he just doesn’t want a commitment with YOU... Is only something you can say when you move on and are ready for a commitment and judging from your posts you didn’t jump right into it with your current girl.. it took over a year.

 

While it’s true that he may be ready at another point, with another girl... it doesn’t mean my qualities are worse than that unknown future girl. That’s just garbage thinking and it’s pretty insulting.

Yea ok you keep believing that you as a woman know more about how a man's mind works than another man.

 

 

Oh poor him he cried when you broke up.. that show's he really actually wanted to be with you... but broke up anyway... right..

 

 

You need to wake up to the facts. The fact is he does not want to commit to you. He though that for whatever reason, you are not good enough to commit to. That's the truth. Yes it hurts but it's still the truth.

 

 

The sooner you realise this and get closure so you can move on and be happy with someone else who actually appreciates you for you the better.

[preraph]

He is not at all willing to work on a relationship with you. He's said it over and over and rejected all ideas.

 

I'm sure he cares about you as a person and probably misses you at times and of course, misses the sex when he's not got someone else around, but that's not enough. Truth is he does not see you as someone to spend his life with and he's still looking. Since he hasn't found that person, he doesn't know if he ever will, but he wants to look rather than settle.

[Silver_star]

Well I HAD asked advice about whether I should reach out when he was in town and I got some decent advice NOT to reach out and let him reach out to me if he wishes but not get my hopes up. It’s been tough, but thanks I will stay the course and continue NC.

 

The last bit of responses were just random unsolicited opinion about my exes feelings about me or my relationship that no one was a part of except for me and him. No need for that, I didn’t ask any one.

[Flame Aura]

 

The last bit of responses were just random unsolicited opinion about my exes feelings about me or my relationship that no one was a part of except for me and him. No need for that, I didn’t ask any one.

This is a public forum about relationships. You don't get to pick and choose what part of your relationship people can have opinions on. If you want that, go pay a professional who will tell you what you want to hear.

[Silver_star]

so this weekend I knew he was in town. I didn't reach out at all.

I actually kind of felt like I accepted the "window" was closed.

He reached out to me today and said he is in town, and wants to meet...

 

now what? I really miss him...will this set me back?

How do I reign in my expectations? Is him reaching out a good sign, or just a friendly gesture? It's been 3 months.

[d0nnivain]

It may be a good sign. Meet him. Go in with low expectations. Assume he's either just being polite or want to get laid. See what he has to say. If he's not giving you what you want -- reconciliation & a relationship -- sleep with him at your own peril. If you want commitment but have sex without it, you will devalue yourself in his eyes.

[BaileyB]

Assume he's either just being polite or want to get laid. See what he has to say. If he's not giving you what you want -- reconciliation & a relationship -- sleep with him at your own peril. If you want commitment but have sex without it, you will devalue yourself in his eyes.

 

This is good advice.

 

Keep your expectations in check. And don’t jump if he says the word “commitment.” You have a long history and you know where he stands. Do you really want to be with a man who you have to force to commit to you? That must not feel good and it’s likely not a recipe for success.

[PegNosePete]

Assume he's either just being polite or want to get laid.

Yes, good to assume that.

 

Personally I would ask him why he wants to meet, first.

 

Of course if he is looking for a bunk up he won't tell you that. He will be vague and say something like he wants to catch up, chill, etc. Unless he shows some sign of wanting to try again, I wouldn't bother wasting your time meeting.

[Silver_star]

Met up with him. He didnt want sex. It seems like he just was curious and wanted to see me. He also wanted to ensure that there was no "bad feelings" so it seems it was somewhat of a guilt motivated visit. We hugged and after he left he sent me a text that it was really nice to see me again. I guess that's pretty good closure for us.

 

I am glad I saw him again, three months out of the relationship. It was just an hour meet up. We don't have much to talk about anymore and it was awkward at times...he did ask sincerely how I was and if there was anything I wanted to say I could say it. I said no...that I said everything I had to say back then, and that I accepted that he doesn't want a long term committed relationship like I do. He told me it was nothing to do with me, because I did tell him I'd appreciate the feedback if it was something to do with me (why he didnt want to commit). He was adamant that it wasnt.

I almost got emotional, and told him I was done talking about that stuff. That i have been doing much better lately and am looking forward to my future.

I am not envious of his life, he doesnt seem happy..but again he may have been playing it down.

 

Anyways I guess its a good final chapter.

[schlumpy]

Yes. I believe you handled yourself very well. Take a bow.

[Silver_star]

I have been having a hard night/morning and I just needed some guidance and support from people who have been through similar, or just have some insight.

 

I met up with my ex last week. After 3 months of not seeing him it was a very weird mix of feelings I had seeing him, and I felt when he left like it was better closure for me, but now I am experiencing confusion again, and wondering if I should of said more/did something differently when he was here, or IF he maybe DOES want me back, but really doesn't know how to change when it comes to thinking about commitment/future with a woman. Is there anything I could even do if that is the case?

I wonder what he is thinking about the whole thing, what was his intention in visiting me, did he just wanted to meet me out of feeling guilty (I broke up with him, but it was forced because he didn't know if he saw a future together).

 

He was in town for a wedding, and he asked to meet up with me on his last day in town and I didn't ask why he wanted to I just said yes right away, and said it would be nice to see him. I still miss him alot. I've done a lot of work on myself emotionally/mentally but on a bad day (like today) I still wonder and regress back to being back with him when he lived here, and remember all the wonderful times we had together, and NOT the reason why it wasnt working which is him not wanting or being able to envision a future together. A pretty important thing for me.

 

When we got together I tried to look my best, and not get emotional. It wasnt just sex with us, and although we shared a sexual chemistry I wasnt worried that I would end up in bed with him.

He discussed only small talk things (what have you been up to, how are your friends/family, looking forward to your trip?, how have you been) and the only "closure" question I asked was if he was happy, and he said not really. That life is pretty much Work, Home, Eat, Workout, Sleep and repeat. That he bought a new flashy car there, and that brings him some happiness but other than that...life's pretty autopilot. So I dont know how to feel about that. I asked him if there was something about me, or something I did in the relationship that made him not want to go ALL in and commit because I could use the feedback, and he said no, not at all...that it was just him and his issues. He never goes into his issues. He said he hopes I have a nice trip and is looking forward to seeing pictures (on social media?). Anyways, we hugged, I gave him a few of his things he left behind and he left.

 

He said it was really nice to see me via text after he left, and that he was sorry he couldn't stay longer. He was flirtacious only after leaving with a winky face emoji...but in person it was not playful. He looked sad. Anyways, wondering what to make of it all. I am not the type to jump into a new relationship right away after I get out of one, and I didnt ask if he had, but I dont think he has either.

 

It just seems like I had to let go of a relationship while I was still in love, and I think he still has feelings for me too or why would he ask to meet up..although I wish he was chasing after me, and telling me his true feelings, but I wonder if it is a pride thing, or he really just doesn't feel it as much as I do. Should I go back into NC and leave our relationship in the past now, or should I use his coming to visit me as a prompt for more conversation?

[SophieG]

I’d move on. It easier said than done, but he knows what you want (commitment) and if he was willing to give it to you, he would have said something.

You reaching out will lead to you accepting less than what you want and it would be making a step back, because at some point, you’ll be faced with the same problem : you want to move forward and he doesn’t.

Do yourself a favor and move on. Heal your heart and then you’ll be ready for someone who will want to be commit to you.

[Silver_star]

Thank you SophieG.

 

You are right, he would have said something if he was willing to give me commitment down the line, but he doesn't feel that way still and he may never want that...I hope he does eventually want that with someone, even if it is not me. But that is his journey to take, and none of my business.

 

The biggest thing holding me back from texting him is my self respect...and i dont want him to think I would accept less if I reached out to him. I definitely would not go back to him for less, or the same as what I was getting.

 

It's hard to understand that there will be a "next one" when you are still healing from the last one. I can't even look at other men right now the same way, or see a path to loving someone else. But time will heal... back to no contact. Day 7.

[SophieG]

I get you 100%. Like I posted in another of your thread, I’m living a similar situation, but like 8 months back. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. I want to move in next year and he’s not sure if he’ll be ready. I told him that if by March he’s still unsure, I’ll have to end things and move on. I might be wasting my time right now, but I’m still hoping. We’ll see in a couple of months... but I’m adamant about what I want and I won’t compromise.

 

Give yourself so time. One day you’ll be ready.

[django]

I was a lot like your ex. I'd previously been divorced, and in my most recent relationship, I felt a lot of fear, which ultimately lead me to end the relationship. A month later, I thought it was a mistake, and I was very clear with my ex about what I wanted and how my feelings about it had changed. Your ex doesn't seem to be saying anything along those lines, which is a little worrisome when contemplating a future with him. That said, he and I are not the same people, and he may process things differently. You don't need to slam the the door on it, but I'd begin doing what you'd need to to start moving on.

[Silver_star]

Yes I recall your post. I think my situation would be a mirror to this if he had stayed in town and we continued dating in the same city.

My friend is also in the same situation now (this is not too uncommon of a problem in men & relationships). She wants to move out with her Bf and he said he didn't know when he would be ready for moving out. He had very weak excuses, and didnt give her even a timeline to work with. So she is very sad about it and it hurts the relationship. It's nice that he is honest, but it makes her feel awful...and unjustly inadequate or something. Why wouldn't he want to move forward? Especially when they spend most of their time together.

 

Anyways, I told her not to wait around too long for him to decide. That is what I was doing in essence and it only caused more pain and problems over time. It made me feel really insecure and caused resentment.

 

I also held onto a date/time frame in my mind (April), and that time came and went and he still felt the same, and then we broke up. So, March is almost 8 months away from now...what will happen in that time to change his mind? Baby steps? Like maybe you sleeping over more at his house and little changes can show him that living together would be better and not worse for your relationship?

[Silver_star]

I was a lot like your ex. I'd previously been divorced, and in my most recent relationship, I felt a lot of fear, which ultimately lead me to end the relationship. A month later, I thought it was a mistake, and I was very clear with my ex about what I wanted and how my feelings about it had changed. Your ex doesn't seem to be saying anything along those lines, which is a little worrisome when contemplating a future with him. That said, he and I are not the same people, and he may process things differently. You don't need to slam the the door on it, but I'd begin doing what you'd need to to start moving on.

 

Django: Maybe I can ask you then, Can you pinpoint your fear in your recent relationship when she got closer? Were you afraid of it failing? Were you afraid of experiencing the same loss as you had? Because it seems like it cant be fear of loss, otherwise you would be motivated to stay together...its fear of something else. Losing your independence?

[SophieG]

So, March is almost 8 months away from now...what will happen in that time to change his mind? Baby steps? Like maybe you sleeping over more at his house and little changes can show him that living together would be better and not worse for your relationship?

 

He’s looking for a therapist because he’s actually going through some big emotional issues with his family. And lately I’ve seen some little changes, like him saying he’d like to sleep at my place more often during the week (usually it’s at his place during the week) to see how trafic is to his job in the morning (as if he’s testing the road in the events of him moving in). He’s talking about projects next year and everything. I’m taking it with a grain of salt, but it seems positive. I’m not looking to change his mind or force him into anything... he knows what I want and the timeline I gave myself.