Can a husband be okay with this?

[pepperbird]

I have a couple of chronic autoimmune illnesses ( systemic diffuse scleroderma, sjoren's syndrome and something my doctors can't pin down yet) and to be blunt, there are times, often really long ones, when sex isn't even on my radar.

 

I have no interest at those times. These illness effect my hands, teeth and mouth- I've had to have all of my teeth extracted and am waiting to heal enough to get dentures. It also hits a person's lungs, heart, kidneys, esophagus, genital tract, eyes and spleen. You get so bloody tired, and the meds. make me sick.

 

I know this is hard on my husband, and he tries to be good about it. None of this is easy for him, and it's hard to have a spouse with a chronic illness.

 

Can a man be happy in a relationship like that? I see on here so many times men saying they would walk if their wife wasn't sleeping with them. I don't want to do that to my husband, but there can be weeks or even a few months when sex is few and far between and if we do, it's just for him because I won't get much out of it. Mind you, it's not always like that, but the times that it is make me sad for him, like I'm denying him something.

 

We do cuddle a lot, hold hands when I can etc., but can that be enough?

 

Is it wrong for me to ask him to be okay with this? He's also got his own issues, and is back in therapy for his combat PTSD. I worry that my problems may be making it even harder for him.

[d0nnivain]

It doesn't matter if men in general can be OK with it. It's about your husband & his personal take on the situation.

 

Marriage is for better or worse, in sickness & in health, in good times & bad. I think an honorable person who knows they are loved by their spouse will try to understand.

 

Since you believe it's an issue, reach deep down & when you can say yes even when you might want to say no, he should appreciate the effort. I call that cold pizza sex . . .when one partner wants it & the other "gives in" even when they would rather not; the one who wanted it gets some lovin' even if it's not the best so they at least feel cared about.

[schlumpy]

The sample size here is too small to make an accurate determination but I think your question is heavily weighted by the age of the spouse and the Spouse's sense of honor in the concept of "For Better or For Worse."

 

It would be easy to slander people who cannot live up to the ideal but not every person has the internal qualities to do so and for many people it is a crushing burden they are not equipped mentally to carry.

[Ronni_W]

We do cuddle a lot, hold hands when I can etc., but can that be enough?

Yes, OF COURSE that can be enough! (It is 'enough' for you, so why would you think that you are a 'different' or a 'higher' human Being than your husband?)

Which is not to say, necessarily, that your husband has reached your own level of consciousness...but to just think, worry, decide or assume that he has not (reached that level),

certainly is not the wisest or most constructive for either of you.

 

Is it wrong for me to ask him to be okay with this? He's also got his own issues, and is back in therapy for his combat PTSD. I worry that my problems may be making it even harder for him.

You were not actually in charge of 'asking him' this question, but he is, nevertheless, being made to make a decision about who he is and what he supports. (If that makes sense?)

 

If it is that he needs to heal his own PTSD while also having to be compassionate/understanding of some other person, then that is not you making it so, but some other force.

(If that makes sense?)

 

At the practical/pragmatic level, why not express your concerns, so that, in doing that, you can help him reach into deeper levels what he, himself, is going through?

[basil67]

I told my husband that I read of men here who are leaving/told to leave their wives because sex isn't happening. He nearly choked on his tea.

 

For the record, there are sex problems here too (on both sides) and nobody is leaving anybody. Our bonds are strong enough to sustain us.

[usa1ah]

 

We do cuddle a lot, hold hands when I can etc., but can that be enough?

 

Is it wrong for me to ask him to be okay with this? He's also got his own issues, and is back in therapy for his combat PTSD. I worry that my problems may be making it even harder for him.

 

There is a big difference between won’t have sex and can’t have sex.

 

So sorry to hear what is going on with your health.

 

Your husband’s happiness depends on him. Part of loving someone is taking care of them when needed. Right now your needs come first.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Really sorry for what you're having to deal with. Sounds like your husband is hanging in there. And as someone else said, to an ethical man, there is a difference between can't and won't. Please realize when most women cut off sex, it's because the relationship has gone down the tubes and they're not getting along. So that's not exactly your situation.

[Swingen]

It sounds like you have a good marriage and the cuddles, hand holding and occasional sex are a good sign of this.

 

With respect to the marriage vows, well you only have to look at the divorce rate to see how binding they are. With respect to 'in sickness and in health' very easy for a pair of horny, healthy, happy 20 year olds to sign up to with absolute no idea as to the reality of a long marriage, age, infirmity etc...

 

Ill health can end a marriage, but it doesn't have to. Most of us do sign up for life and as we get older realise that ill health to one or both of us is part of the deal. The sex issue is a slightly different. Let's say that you can no longer have sex, but your husband still wants and needs to. Then maybe an accommodation is reached. Maybe he pays for it.

 

It may not be even be something that is discussed. He comes home late once a month, needs taken care of. You know why and ignore it. You cuddle up and get on with life.

 

Sex can be hugely important (70% of people site the lack of it during divorce) but if you have the love side of things. What's the reality? Half an hour once a week?

 

Your illness is part of the reality of marriage and all of us will have to face that. However, maybe a new accommodation will have to be made to keep your husband happy and your marriage alive.

[pepperbird]

Thanks for all the replies. They have been helpful.

[DKT3]

My uncle's wife had MS. When I was about 13 or 14 he and my dad had a conversation that I overheard. He was telling my dad that they hadn't had intercourse in years, my dad responded with that's tough. He said not really, she has no desire and physically cant do it but its important to her to do what she can and for me that's enough.

 

As mentioned there is a huge difference between wont and cant.

[mark clemson]

There is a big difference between won’t have sex and can’t have sex.

 

As mentioned there is a huge difference between wont and cant.

 

 

Ditto that as well. Your emotions towards him and the fact this is illness based not a loss of interest probably count for quite a lot...

[pepperbird]

He and I talked about this last night. It well well, as far as I can tell.

 

I understand the idea of giving him a green light to see a "professional" sex worker should he feel he needs to. TBH, we tried that awhile back.

 

There was a type of sexual activity I can't do, and he really wanted to. We talked about it a lot, and we ended up "hiring" ( I hate that term for it) a woman so he could enjoy that experience.

 

It was a flop. I thought I was okay with it, but it turned out, I wasn't. He said he felt like he was cheating on me, I felt incredibly sad and we both felt like he had used another human being in a way he shouldn't have.

[elaine567]

Most long term marriages contain monogamous people.

They therefore cannot tolerate "opening" them up to a OW/OM or employing a sex worker.

It is either a case of accepting a new, virtually sexless dynamic or getting a divorce.

 

Seems to me divorce is for some the only viable option as sex is so important to them.

To others the marriage and all that entails is far more important.

 

Never easy though.

[pepperbird]

Most long term marriages contain monogamous people.

They therefore cannot tolerate "opening" them up to a OW/OM or employing a sex worker.

.

 

 

That's me. I'm a monogamist at heart. Anything else leaves me anxious and unhappy.

 

My husband? He says he's okay with the status quo. I won't say he's happy, but he says he understands and the fact that I took his feelings into consideration seems to matter a lot to him. Just like what was said here:)

[Els]

To answer your question, I think there comes a point in everyone's lives, especially as you age, where physical illness will knock your sexual ability flat for prolonged periods of time. If someone cannot tolerate this and must get their jollies no matter what, I personally think that they should never have gotten married. "In sickness and in health" - that's literally part of the marital vows that most people use.

 

An unsolicited suggestion - do you think it might help to broaden your definition of "sex"? I mean, there isn't just a binary choice between full-on PiV and him masturbating alone. Perhaps you could cuddle while he gives himself a HJ (or you give him a HJ if you're not too ill to do so)? Depending on how your external vulva feels, perhaps he could go down on you, but not do penetration?

[Normm]

You gotta get him off regularly either hands or mouth. If not then give him the OK to get it elsewhere assuming he doesn't cheat or leave you first.

[elaine567]

Scleroderma is a hardening, thickening, tightening and contracting of the skin everywhere in the body.

Both the hands and mouth may be affected.

Resulting in reduced movement of the fingers and hands often with pain associated and being unable to open the mouth wide due to tightening of the skin.

With the best will in the world...

 

They have already tried opening up the marriage... not good.

[Normm]

I got nothing then. Other than perhaps she gets him off with a fleshlight from time to time to keep him honest.

[schlumpy]

You could gracefully accept that due to the finite nature of human beings all good things must come to an end.

[major_merrick]

There is a big difference between won’t have sex and can’t have sex.

 

 

This. I'm not sure what your situation exactly is. If it is no desire, then find some time to please him and instruct him in how to get you interested. If it is an inability to have sex, then you're perfectly right to ask and expect him to stick with you.

As much as I love sex, and as much as I encourage couples to have as much of it as they can, there's a certain point where your marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" apply. Being sick and in pain is a good reason not to have sex. If my husband or I were sick and in pain, we wouldn't be having sex. If I get to a point where all I can do is curl up in his lap, I know we'll be fine. If he gets to a point where that's all he wants to do, we'll still be ok. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it isn't everything.

 

One question - what is your non-sexual physical touch like? Are you still affectionate with each other? I mean, like really affectionate? Close, prolonged contact plus frequent touches whenever you are in proximity? If so, then your relationship is healthy.

[SolG]

That's me. I'm a monogamist at heart. Anything else leaves me anxious and unhappy.

 

My husband? He says he's okay with the status quo. I won't say he's happy, but he says he understands and the fact that I took his feelings into consideration seems to matter a lot to him. Just like what was said here:)

 

pepperbird, I'd like to commend you on the intimacy you and your H maintain in your relationship. Having sex is often mislabeled as 'intimate', when it can actually often be a purely physical activity that is anything but.

 

That you and he are having this open and honest discourse about such a truly difficult issue - THAT is intimacy. You may not be having sex, but you appear to me to be being loving and intimate. It seems to me reading what you have writ that you love each other very much.

 

What do we do when that which we most desire is beyond doubt beyond our reach? Most of us compromise, and do the best we can for those we love. That is absolutely okay. And in some cases, even commendable.

 

Would it be beyond the realms of possibility for you to hold one another, while you whisper about your shared fantasies into his ear while he pleases himself? Are there ways you can incorporate shared eroticism without exacerbating your conditions?

[Swingen]

That you and he are having this open and honest discourse about such a truly difficult issue - THAT is intimacy.

 

I think you are both dealing with an awful situation the best way you can. I also think that whoever you were you couldn't do better than this. You've talked things through, tried a couple of options and now have to make the best of a bad situation.

 

I thought a previous posters suggestion regarding talking intimately while he takes care of his own business was a good one.

 

Good luck to you both, I think you are both very lucky to have each other.