Finally Over

[BlindsidedTwice]

Well, here I am. Just like most of the posts I've read... I am the OW. I can't believe I've gotten to this point. I need help.

 

I'll tell my story as briefly as possible, while still trying to convey the depth of it.

 

When I was in high school, I fell in love with a boy. He pursued me and loved me hard and I fell hard. I got nervous about moving forward sexually, so he broke up with me. I didn't see it coming and it was heartbreaking. I ended up losing my virginity to him later on anyway... We continued to keep a sexual and friendly relationship until we were in our early twenties - in between other real relationships with other people.

 

About ten years later, I found him on social media. I'm pretty sure I went looking for him, but with no bad intentions whatsoever. We were (and still are) both happily married to other people. I was very happy for him and his beautiful wife and their new baby. We ended up direct messaging, which led to reminiscing, which led to flirting, which led to old inappropriate talk... Things went up/downhill from there. I don't want to get into the details but it was bad. This time around it was more than just sex friends. We became close friends and then fell in love. It lasted nearly three years. It was both of us, and we are both fools. These things can't end well.

 

16 days ago, he social media messaged me to say he had a sketchy convo with his wife, and then a really really bad dream and it made him want to delete his social media. I let him go - no begging or questioning. I told him he did not have to delete his account, that I would not reach out ever again and we could block each other. But he said he would not be able to stop himself from messaging me if he still had the account. He left me with "I miss you already. No regrets." and then he was gone.

 

I did text his phone to say that I'd never forget how easily he threw me away. He responded, "That wasn't easy. This is hard for me too." and then I never responded.

 

So ok, I very much understand that damage could be 1000x times worse. I am grateful that things ended this way. And yet... here I am. I am the OW. I am the horribly deceitful person. I have a wonderful husband who loves me so much and trusts me. I have an amazing 4-year-old who deserves my full attention. ...and here I am just heartbroken to lose my MM. I hate myself.

 

It's been 16 days NC. How much longer till this horrible ache goes away? I wake up every morning in pain with this void in my life. Does he miss me? I miss him so much and yet, how could I have done this to my marriage?

 

(I sincerely hope I was able to follow the rules for this forum. I understand if there is something I said that needs to be deleted. Additionally, if the wolves want to feast on me for being such a low life, so be it... I deserve it. I need to hear it.)

[MetallicHue]

I think it takes a lot of time for people to get over love and heartbreak. I’ve seen it all over this forum. If you go to the coping section of the forum there is a lot of support over there as well as some no contact threads where you can read peoples NC experiences. I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I won’t judge you. I’ve come to realize that love can be blinding over pretty much anything else.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thank you. I am scared of the judgement in other sections, although maybe that is where I belong.

[MetallicHue]

I myself met someone at work. The feelings were unrequited even though I felt like we got along pretty well. I’m married but part of me still a year later had wished things worked out just because it felt so great to be around her. Well regardless I can relate to how you may have been feeling before it ended to some extent. Also this is someone you had history with - almost sounds like first love so I’m sure it made that more complicated with past feelings for him.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thanks for responding. I'm hurting.

 

I can't really talk to anyone about this because of the infidelity part... It feels like a normal break up, but trying to navigate it totally alone.

 

When I told him "alright bye i guess" (I don't handle goodbyes very well...), he said "not forever i hope" and that line is just keeping me on the hook.

 

Even just being able to write all this out feels a little better.

Edited August 8, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice

[mark clemson]

It's been 16 days NC. How much longer till this horrible ache goes away?

 

Probably months, maybe up to 1-3 years, unfortunately if you're one of the unlucky few who take that long to process. Also be aware he will probably try to contact you again at some point. It's unlikely that he doesn't feel something of the same thing.

 

Additionally, if the wolves want to feast on me for being such a low life, so be it... I deserve it. I need to hear it.

 

Interesting approach to alleviating your guilty feelings. They're not really wolves, I think, for the most part. They are trying to help, although I guess folks can get a bit "judgy".

 

Why do you need to hear it, other than a certain amount of emotional masochism? Are you afraid you'll slip back into the A if he contacts you? That would just mean you're right back here after a few months or years, trying to get past it all over again. It's tough to stay firm but that's the fastest way out of the distress.

[MetallicHue]

You may want to seek a therapist as someone to talk too but that may be hard because your husband would be like why do you want to see a therapist. I can’t speak for other people but I definitely seen a lot of these ending badly. I really think you should cut off contact and that would be the best for yourself. Things may seem tough now but they will get easier very slowly over time.

[BlindsidedTwice]

You may want to seek a therapist as someone to talk too

 

I'm on it. Started looking up therapists today and will make an appointment by the end of this week.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Interesting approach to alleviating your guilty feelings. They're not really wolves, I think, for the most part. They are trying to help, although I guess folks can get a bit "judgy".

 

Why do you need to hear it, other than a certain amount of emotional masochism? Are you afraid you'll slip back into the A if he contacts you? That would just mean you're right back here after a few months or years, trying to get past it all over again. It's tough to stay firm but that's the fastest way out of the distress.

 

I guess I feel like I need/deserve a slap in the face. Some perspective.

 

And yes, I am petrified of slipping back into the A. I need to let my brain lead the way here. My heart is trashed.

[heartwhole2]

First love affairs are very common and intoxicating, as far as affairs go. There's a reason I have my first love blocked on social media. Some people you have too much history with to have a platonic relationship.

 

For perspective, imagine the fall-out of a true discovery by your spouses. Imagine your spouses completely gutted. Imagine them outing you to your relatives. Imagine a traumatized spouse crying day after day, unable to eat. Imagine how it will feel when your MM makes a big show of blocking and discarding you because he will do anything for a second chance with his wife. Imagine losing the respect of your children.

 

You've been given a soft landing here. That doesn't mean that you're not grieving, but it means that things could be 1,000 times worse. Imagine trying to grieve the illicit and wrong relationship you allowed yourself to have while your husband is gutted by your betrayal. Imagine trying to grieve the good times you had with MM while his wife is trying to decide if she needs to contact you to make sure it's over. If you are discovered, there will be no room for grief or self-pity. You will need to throw everything you have, and more, into building up the loved ones you willingly cut down. You will need to develop the strength to comfort and reassure and rebuild. You've spent three years worrying about your needs and your fun. You will not have a second more for that.

 

And here's the thing. You never know if this train will crash. Five years from now one of your spouses could find something and figure it out. Even if you are never discovered, this will hang over you forever. This is the choice that you made willingly. You risked it all for this, and now it's over. You need an IC who can help you build yourself up. You need strength and humility and patience and perspective. Remember all this while you grieve. Even your grief is an indulgence.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Thank you. I need this painful perspective.

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Abetterme]

Hello OP - I am sorry you are hurting. A lot of what I read in your thread reminds me of myself as I was processing a similar ending to my A. We were not young loves, that is an additional dynamic that is hard, but it sounds like our children were about the same age when we entered the A and mine was also around 3 years.

 

I think you it would help if you take a step back and remind yourself of what the intended end game was. Like me, it doesn’t sound like you had any intentions of leaving your family. I too felt I was happily married when I started my A and am horrified by my actions and poor boundaries. After working with a therapist I think I’ve come to realize that I was in crisis a bit as a new mom, managing a challenging career and trying to stay connected to a spouse who was also very busy. I had very VERY poor coping skills and this resulted in a failure to protect my marriage from someone I thought was seemingly safe.

 

You are stuck in faulting him for “throwing you away easily”. My take, he had a very real discussion with you about how this might end poorly and needed to make a choice. A choice you would likely have made if the situation was reversed. He didn’t “discard you easily”, you made the choice to go NC. I don’t say this to be harsh, but the blaming him kept me stuck for much longer than I would have liked. Look at it from an outsiders view in that as much as it hurts, he is doing the right thing.

 

I never wanted a life with xMM and I believe that when you are through this affair fog, you’ll realize the same thing is true for you. Your morals, gut and instinct tell you to go, but limerance causes you to stay.

 

I hope you’ll hold your resolve to stay NC. I regret allowing things to resume when my xMM broke. It will get better, but not if you keep going back. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.

[Zona]

16 days ago, he social media messaged me to say he had a sketchy convo with his wife

 

I am a BS who found out about my wife's affair years after the fact... the hard way.

 

I think the most reasonable interpretation of this is that there was a D-day with his wife finding out about the affair, and demanding that he go NC with you or pack up his stuff and move out. This leaves a big risk exposure for you if she should happen to call your husband and spill it.

 

In a perfect world, here is what you would do:

 

- Confess the affair to your husband and family.

- Go NC with AP permanently with no backsliding.

- Take full responsibility for the affair.

- Seek counselling to find out how you could betray your family this way.

- Put a huge effort into becoming a better person who is a safe partner for your husband.

- Be completely honest with everyone affected. No lying, no gaslighting and no trickle-truth

- Take on the heavy load of helping your husband recover from the betrayal, wherever that leads (maybe 50/50 divorce chances).

 

 

What will likely happen:

 

 

- You will continue to pine for AP, and slide right back into the affair once he feels he is safe to reach out again.

 

 

This will lead to more misery, delay your healing, further estrange you from your husband and family, and make reconciliation more difficult if and when the affair is exposed.

 

I wish I could find some positive aspect to your situation, but there just isn't. Sorry. There are just better or worse actions you can take moving forward.

Edited August 8, 2019 by Zona

[pa2k]

It usually takes about 3 months to feel noticeably better, however there is one problem...MMs usually come back (in my experience, it was in 3 months) and you can find yourself slipping back into the A.

 

If you feel in your heart that this is not for you, and you do love your H, then work on building a stronger relationship with him and your family. A's don't usually happen for women in a vacuum, usually there's something missing in their primary relationship. You need to examine that and figure out what's missing and how to fill that void.

 

For me, DH is a workaholic and puts it first. I know that he does it because the way he was raised, working equates love. He also didn't communicate with me, preferring to come home, go on the computer by himself and fall asleep in his office chair. I was bored and craved a connection AttachedM gave me that attention I needed when he was single, but when he got a gf, he started pulling back and leaving crumbs, until he almost got caught, freaked out and ghosted me for 3 months. I still talk to him, but it was humiliating being tossed like I was nothing, and getting crumbs, I don't feel the same as before. I still struggle with DH's workaholic and lack of communication, so if I got the same level of attention, I could be vulnerable again...

 

Good Luck

[elaine567]

Like Zona, I also think he likely had a DDay, maybe not a full total transparency marriage meltdown DDay, but I guess his wife found out "something" so he has retreated back to the family fold and like so many do, he probably then threw you under the bus to save his own skin.

Unfortunately it means he will probably try to creep back as soon as he feels the coast is clear...

Atm the affair is not worth the risk to him, but once his wife calms down and he feels safer he may try to contact you again.

Cultivating a new OW can be difficult to do, and many will want to pick up where they left off...

 

Of course although it is very common, some never return.

They get a severe wake up call or they are just not feeling it any more or they find another OW...

So he may not come back... it is not guaranteed.

 

NC though hard, is your friend here.

"Out of sight, out of mind" does work if you let it.

Try not to wallow.

This was NOT the love story of the century.

It was never meant to last.

Too many OWs get stuck on "love" and "hope" and it does them no favours whatsoever.

 

Go to IC, talk it all out, put it into perspective.

[Amethyst68]

I'm curious how you can say you are happily married when there's no evidence of it in your post, no sign of you valuing your marriage, your family at all. I wonder how much of your family's life you have missed out on during this 3yr affair. Your son would have been a 1yr old when it started, did you involve him in the affair? Did he ever meet the MM?.

 

I agree with the others who say he'll probably come back when things calm down at home, not necessarily because he loves you but because it's almost certain you'll agree to have sex with him again.

 

Your husband deserves the truth, he deserves to be able to make a fully informed decision about HIS life, not to mention get STI checked because to be honest you've no idea if you are or have been the only person the MM is having sex with.

 

I hope you stick with NC and continue with the healing process. I know it's early days but there is a saying here and other places 'No new contact equals no new hurt'. It's very true and something to consider going forward.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Hello OP - I am sorry you are hurting. A lot of what I read in your thread reminds me of myself as I was processing a similar ending to my A. We were not young loves, that is an additional dynamic that is hard, but it sounds like our children were about the same age when we entered the A and mine was also around 3 years.

 

I think you it would help if you take a step back and remind yourself of what the intended end game was. Like me, it doesn’t sound like you had any intentions of leaving your family. I too felt I was happily married when I started my A and am horrified by my actions and poor boundaries. After working with a therapist I think I’ve come to realize that I was in crisis a bit as a new mom, managing a challenging career and trying to stay connected to a spouse who was also very busy. I had very VERY poor coping skills and this resulted in a failure to protect my marriage from someone I thought was seemingly safe

 

 

Thank you so much for your response and some understanding. You are right – I had no intentions of leaving my family. My husband is a better person for me by a landslide. There are certain elements missing from our relationship and like you, I guess I coped in a very VERY poor way… IC appointment is set for next week...

 

I don’t really feel angry about being “easily thrown away” anymore – I was just angry in that final moment and wanted to hurt him back, or maybe try to keep him on the hook too. I don’t really know… I am trying to find gratitude in how things ended and focus my energy on my husband and family.

 

I so very much want to hold NC and I know I can do it if he never contacts me again. But if he does contacts me again… I am not strong enough yet. I have NEVER been able to say no to this man. I NEED to, to save my family, and yet, I honestly can’t say what I’ll do… I do know, I will post to this group and ask for all the help/reminders if it does happen!!

Edited August 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Naivewomen]

Hi! Wow we share a very similar story except we were co workers. I understand all about being infatuated with a person. You seem to be infutuated with him for a very long time which he ultimately knows and can feel. He will use that weakness you have for him to his advantage. You will get over him in time.

Try your best to halt rumination. This entire fantasy of him is all in your head. Not at all real life love that's committed. He doesnt value you and never will.

 

Let him go!!! I'm rooting for you. Btw, IC helps tremendously.

[Mrs._December]

I'm curious how you can say you are happily married when there's no evidence of it in your post, no sign of you valuing your marriage, your family at all. I wonder how much of your family's life you have missed out on during this 3yr affair. Your son would have been a 1yr old when it started, did you involve him in the affair? Did he ever meet the MM?.

 

I agree with the others who say he'll probably come back when things calm down at home, not necessarily because he loves you but because it's almost certain you'll agree to have sex with him again.

 

Your husband deserves the truth, he deserves to be able to make a fully informed decision about HIS life, not to mention get STI checked because to be honest you've no idea if you are or have been the only person the MM is having sex with.

 

I hope you stick with NC and continue with the healing process. I know it's early days but there is a saying here and other places 'No new contact equals no new hurt'. It's very true and something to consider going forward.

I had to repeat this post because of the brutal honesty it contains.

 

I too kept wondering where all this love for your family is when you're talking about 'waking up in pain' in the morning, and not being able to get over the ache in your heart, etc. etc. You don't think your poor son isn't feeling the negative vibes you're putting out? He is. In some form or fashion, it's unfairly affecting HIM when your heart and your thoughts are somewhere else and not in the present. And quite honestly, it's a waste of your time to be pining after someone who likely didn't think twice about throwing you right under the bus to his wife if he did have a semi D-Day.

 

OP, the sad truth is that most of them do come sniffing back. And some do it over and over and over again. They dump you and sing their swan song, depart into the sunset, then a little later down the road they suddenly contact you and tell you they're a 'broken' man who can't live without you. You, of course, have this big reunion with him which obviously includes lots of sex (lets not kid ourselves) and the nasty cycle eventually repeats itself all over again when he once more sings his swan song and dumps you again after he's once more had you scratch that itch he had.

 

You can seek better or you can continue wasting your headspace on someone who will always pick his wife and family first. Always.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I'm curious how you can say you are happily married when there's no evidence of it in your post, no sign of you valuing your marriage, your family at all. I wonder how much of your family's life you have missed out on during this 3yr affair. Your son would have been a 1yr old when it started, did you involve him in the affair? Did he ever meet the MM?.

 

I agree with the others who say he'll probably come back when things calm down at home, not necessarily because he loves you but because it's almost certain you'll agree to have sex with him again.

 

Your husband deserves the truth, he deserves to be able to make a fully informed decision about HIS life, not to mention get STI checked because to be honest you've no idea if you are or have been the only person the MM is having sex with.

 

I hope you stick with NC and continue with the healing process. I know it's early days but there is a saying here and other places 'No new contact equals no new hurt'. It's very true and something to consider going forward.

 

 

 

 

@Amethyst68 and @Mrs. December -

 

Thank you for this brutal honesty. It is hard to hear, and I need it.

 

I love my son more than anyone else in this world, even if there was no proof of that in my post or my actions. Mentioning that he is probably feeling my negative vibes has really implanted in my head. He is so sweet, kind, innocent, happy, and absolutely amazed at every new thing. He did not ever meet xMM, but I knew I was being a terrible mom. I wish I had stopped.

 

My husband deserves better than me. He always has. He was absolutely everything I needed when we first met. Time, marriage, bills, kid, careers have taken their toll. I am not attracted to him, so at first I used xMM online convos as a way to feel excited again in my own married sex life. I knew the slope was slippery, and yet I proceeded anyway.

 

Thank you for my new mantra “no new contact equals no new hurt”. Logically,, I hope he does not come back... egotistically, I do. I am finding new strength through LS and I can’t thank you all enough for that.

Edited August 8, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice

[BlindsidedTwice]

I am a BS who found out about my wife's affair years after the fact... the hard way.

 

I think the most reasonable interpretation of this is that there was a D-day with his wife finding out about the affair, and demanding that he go NC with you or pack up his stuff and move out. This leaves a big risk exposure for you if she should happen to call your husband and spill it.

 

In a perfect world, here is what you would do:

 

- Confess the affair to your husband and family.

- Go NC with AP permanently with no backsliding.

- Take full responsibility for the affair.

- Seek counselling to find out how you could betray your family this way.

- Put a huge effort into becoming a better person who is a safe partner for your husband.

- Be completely honest with everyone affected. No lying, no gaslighting and no trickle-truth

- Take on the heavy load of helping your husband recover from the betrayal, wherever that leads (maybe 50/50 divorce chances).

 

 

What will likely happen:

 

 

- You will continue to pine for AP, and slide right back into the affair once he feels he is safe to reach out again.

 

 

This will lead to more misery, delay your healing, further estrange you from your husband and family, and make reconciliation more difficult if and when the affair is exposed.

 

I wish I could find some positive aspect to your situation, but there just isn't. Sorry. There are just better or worse actions you can take moving forward.

 

 

Thank you for this painful perspective. I can at least start working through the top list.

[Bittersweetie]

Your A has ended. And now you have a chance to change the pattern, change the path.

 

You have a chance to look inward, to ask, why did I think these actions were okay? What did I tell myself that justified my choices? What can I change, inside myself, in order to not make those same choices again (if that's your wish)? Who do I want to be moving forward, and what can I do to get there?

 

If you have issues with your marriage, they need to be dealt with in a healthy manner. Not through an A. That's what I did and it was a terrible path to choose. My H actually said to me at one point that me asking for a divorce would've been less painful than my affair.

 

Channel that negative self-talk into self-examination. Journal. Exercise. IC. Read some books on affairs or self-esteem. And most of all, NC. Not for him, but for you. You've made it 16 days, double that and you've done a month. Take it one day at a time and it will add up.

 

Good luck.

[Amethyst68]

So why open with the insistence that you are happily married?

 

You say you were not attracted to your BH at the start of the affair. I wonder how much of that is true and how much is you rewriting history to suit your affair narrative. Oh there may not have been much sex at that time, new parents, adjusting to new work life balance, your son was probably not sleeping through the night, etc. Many things things that can take a toll on people's sex lives. I'm just saying that looking back through the affair fog can cloud your judgment and your memories.

[MetallicHue]

I think the tone here is a little too harsh in some of the posts. People make mistakes. I understand that yes it’s wrong to your spouse but people are not perfect. I heard some statistic that 50% of people cheat both guys/girls. We don’t need to attack the person who came to post her. Let’s be a little more positive or at least constructive. You can only move forward, not wallow in the past.

[Zona]

If sex is important to you, and you are no longer attracted to him, you should divorce him under reasonable terms and move on.

If the lack of attraction is due to something he can change (weight or whatever) then talk to him about it. There are ways to spice things up in the bedroom too.

As others have pointed out, having an affair with a married man won't be a solution to the problem. It's more likely to destroy people and leave them permanently scarred.