DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 She isnt attracted to him because he isnt the other guy. I have to ask, why stay married. I know the PC answer the kids, dont want to hurt them blah blah. Behind the PC answer is the real reason. In my opinion its usually fear, fear of being alone, fear of being the bad guy and overall selfishness. I never believed the for the kids line, truth is if you were acting in the beat interest of your child there is no way you could have carried this out for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Alright well, I might as well give some more details to the start of the A. I really appreciate everyone’s insight. I have scheduled an IC appointment for next week so I am also trying to move forward on a professional level too. Before the A with this xMM, I had actually reached out to a different ex, who had treated me badly but had this wild passion. I believe my intent was to get some flirting and dirty talk from him and then use it to have more fun in bed with my H. That ex, who was single, politely and appropriately turned me down. He reminded me that if I was claiming to be happy in my marriage, then we had no business talking. About a week later, my xMM contacted me, seemingly out of the blue, and was very interested in me. I transferred those feelings of *wanting to be* horny to my xMM and then I chose to let it build into an A. I understand if this makes me hateable. I am trying to be honest at least with myself first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 I think the tone here is a little too harsh in some of the posts. People make mistakes. I understand that yes it’s wrong to your spouse but people are not perfect. I heard some statistic that 50% of people cheat both guys/girls. We don’t need to attack the person who came to post her. Let’s be a little more positive or at least constructive. You can only move forward, not wallow in the past. Thanks... I do understand why most people are frustrated/furious with me, but I also really appreciate your kindness. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Blindsided - I really appreciate Baileys post just above. I think it is something that was good for me to hear and continue to read as I evolve. You have to CHOOSE to be better. Do you like how the A makes you see yourself? Your last post is troubling, albeit I know honest, it paints a far different picture than what a lot of people claim as “it just happened”. You essentially went looking for something. I’m not judging, but I think you should focus on this with the counselor. What is happening with YOU that makes you seek validation outside of your marriage. It was a major part of understanding my actions. This is not your about husband (or mine) it is a you (me) problem. I do believe this man will be back and I’m very concerned for how you will handle it as you are clearly not ready for this to be over. Have you considered blocking him altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Blindsided - I really appreciate Baileys post just above. I think it is something that was good for me to hear and continue to read as I evolve. You have to CHOOSE to be better. Do you like how the A makes you see yourself? Your last post is troubling, albeit I know honest, it paints a far different picture than what a lot of people claim as “it just happened”. You essentially went looking for something. I’m not judging, but I think you should focus on this with the counselor. What is happening with YOU that makes you seek validation outside of your marriage. It was a major part of understanding my actions. This is not your about husband (or mine) it is a you (me) problem. I do believe this man will be back and I’m very concerned for how you will handle it as you are clearly not ready for this to be over. Have you considered blocking him altogether? Oh shoot.. I do not see a post by Bailey. I am new here so maybe I’m not looking in the right spot. And no, I hate the way I felt in the A. Believe or not, honesty and loyalty used to be some of my top morals/values. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Sorry! Typo...I mean Bittersweeties post. She always has great insight! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Oh shoot.. I do not see a post by Bailey. I am new here so maybe I’m not looking in the right spot. And no, I hate the way I felt in the A. Believe or not, honesty and loyalty used to be some of my top morals/values. If this is true then you had discussed with your husband your lack of physical attraction for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Sorry! Typo...I mean Bittersweeties post. She always has great insight! Ohh got it! Thanks. I will refer back to that response often. I wish I could delete my last post about my initial intentions. I am embarrassed and I think no one will want to give me advice because this is so obviously my fault. Right now, my plan is to continue NC permanently. If he contacts me, I will post on here for help first before jumping to respond. Hopefully someone will talk me off the ledge if that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Behind the PC answer is the real reason. In my opinion its usually fear, fear of being alone, fear of being the bad guy and overall selfishness. Are those not valid and understandable reasons to stay? Do not many people function through fear? Fear of being alone, fear of being the bad guy are pretty common. And selfishness is a survival trait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Ohh got it! Thanks. I will refer back to that response often. I wish I could delete my last post about my initial intentions. I am embarrassed and I think no one will want to give me advice because this is so obviously my fault. Right now, my plan is to continue NC permanently. If he contacts me, I will post on here for help first before jumping to respond. Hopefully someone will talk me off the ledge if that happens. Being honest is good. When selling snake oil in a room of snake oil salesmen bs is detected easily. I snuffed a few odd comments you made that doesn't fit. That last post actually cleared it up. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Are those not valid and understandable reasons to stay? Do not many people function through fear? Fear of being alone, fear of being the bad guy are pretty common. And selfishness is a survival trait. Not if it's a unilateral decision. If you actually care for you spouse and you know you aren't what's best for them what do you do? Lie and mislead them into staying with someone who believes she has to use other men to have sex or let them go so you can both find someone else who is a better fit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Being honest is good. When selling snake oil in a room of snake oil salesmen bs is detected easily. I snuffed a few odd comments you made that doesn't fit. That last post actually cleared it up. Any odd comments were not meant to throw off the narrative. I am continuously uncovering new parts that I had forgotten or didn’t want to recognize. A lot of ugly truths about myself... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 We all have parts that we want to hide from others and even deny them to ourselves. The thing is what do you do with them when they are roadblocks on the path to authentic living? Finding the strength to not respond to om when he reaches out isnt really the issue. Finding out why you felt it was acceptable to start down that path is were the focus should be. In finding the answer you will also find the strength to not respond but the ability to sustain and never veer off course again. Too often women come here in your situation shortsighted and looking for the easy out, not shocking since the affair was an easy out. Corny as it sounds to be better you have to actually be better. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Do you plan of telling your husband so that he has a chance to make decisions about his own future in the marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Before the A with this xMM, I had actually reached out to a different ex, who had treated me badly but had this wild passion. I believe my intent was to get some flirting and dirty talk from him and then use it to have more fun in bed with my H. That ex, who was single, politely and appropriately turned me down. He reminded me that if I was claiming to be happy in my marriage, then we had no business talking. About a week later, my xMM contacted me, seemingly out of the blue, and was very interested in me. I transferred those feelings of *wanting to be* horny to my xMM and then I chose to let it build into an A. I understand if this makes me hateable. I am trying to be honest at least with myself first. I agree, honesty is good, it leads to authentic reflections about oneself, and can help toward a path of change. Listen, I sought an affair too. I was on the Ashley Madison, thinking I could fill in the "gaps" in my marriage with someone else. But the gaps were all within me. Facing that fact and facing my actions was not an easy thing, but it was integral to my growth and change. How are we going to grow and change if we hide or ignore? I agree with PP that many times people here seek "an easy out" but we don't get true change without the true work. And again, dial down the negative talk. If someone on this site hates you, who cares? Actually this thread so far has been very supportive in terms of other similar threads. These posts are very tame compared to what I saw when I first joined this site. However, if you feel a post is too upsetting, you can ignore and move on. You can even block a poster. Take what helps and leave the rest. In my experience, though, the posts that have pissed me off the most are the ones touching a nerve I need to examine, so keep that in mind. To add: posts asking about telling your husband are valid points. Maybe that is something you don't want to deal with at this moment, but when MW say the marriage and the affair are two different things, they're fooling themselves...I've been there. I advocate for truth because of my personal experience as a MW, but I understand that path is not for everyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 ... or let them go so you can both find someone else who is a better fit. ...and how often does that actually happen? In your own case, you took your cheating wife back. Getting back in the world with a huge piece of baggage like a cheating wife, does not make for happy times ahead... Better maybe for him to remain in oblivion and content in his marriage, than have to suffer the effects of the honest truth... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 ...and how often does that actually happen? In your own case, you took your cheating wife back. Getting back in the world with a huge piece of baggage like a cheating wife, does not make for happy times ahead... Better maybe for him to remain in oblivion and content in his marriage, than have to suffer the effects of the honest truth... We were divorced five years. She did some real work on herself and we learned that baseline honesty is the only way it can work. Her husband is suffering now, her family is suffering now because she is too focused on this guy, not attracted to him so what would change Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 I do not know if/when/how I will tell my husband. I know there are some very serious opinions about this part and I am taking those comments very seriously. Obviously I don’t want to hurt my happy, easy-going, selfless, generous, trusting husband... but I guess ultimately I am making it worse by keeping this secret. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 ... but I guess ultimately I am making it worse by keeping this secret. Only, I guess if he finds out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Help!! I just stumbled into another post on the “infidelity” forum that sounds somewhat like my xMM and now I am spiraling out. The chances of it being him are small but still. I’m freaking out now. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Hmm, your situation doesn't match his in the slightest. You are grasping for anything related to him. He recently met his AP and had a brief affair, you knew yours for over a decade and had a long affair. How could it possibly be your AP Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 You're not a bad person. You're someone who did a bad thing. If I were you I would consider telling your H. I suspect when you see the look on his face any lingering feelings you have for your AP will dissolve right then and there. It's going to hurt, for both of you, but only when everything is out on the table can true healing begin for your marriage, if that's what you want. You need to get to the root of why it happened in the first place, and begin THERE, anew, with commitment and honesty. A word of caution: think very carefully whether or not you wish to stay married to someone you're not attracted to. Because after the dust settles and you find yourself bored again you may find your mind wandering and looking for excitement outside of your H again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlindsidedTwice Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Hmm, your situation doesn't match his in the slightest. You are grasping for anything related to him. He recently met his AP and had a brief affair, you knew yours for over a decade and had a long affair. How could it possibly be your AP Thank you. If it’s not obvious yet, I have a bit of an obsessive personality. Suddenly, my mind was stalking him at the grocery store to confront him if he’s told his wife. Darn. I was having such a strong day. Might be a sign for me to tell my husband though - if I can flip out over that post, then I’m living in fear of exposure. Edited August 8, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 You will find great similarities in many of the affair stories on here. They tend to follow a well worn path with few surprises... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Hmm, your situation doesn't match his in the slightest. You are grasping for anything related to him. He recently met his AP and had a brief affair, you knew yours for over a decade and had a long affair. How could it possibly be your AP The MM he's talking about actually started his affair in 2015 and it has just ended. Link to post Share on other sites
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