Finally Over

[Buffer]

Confession isnt going to destroy your husband, your affair did that.

 

Hope you are ok and can now start thinking clearly.

I agree with the above statement DKT3, makes good calls. As some (me included) have stated BS and DS have picked up on your negative vibes and have their suspicions. Their spider senses are tingling.

You are still thinking and shedding tears for POS ‘is he thinking of me’? Turn that around, I hope he isn’t thinking of me! We don’t want POS contacting you, he will gaslight you back into his bedroom. Send a N.C. now please don’t hope he won’t contact.

 

Please get checked for STDs/STIs it is too risky.

 

In regards to telling your BS. Look at your family as a building.

It has to be built on a solid foundation. Keeping this A a secret is both unhealthy to you but severely damaging to any chance of R if/when hubby Finds out months or years away. To him it will be as if it just happened, distance in time is no safeguard.

 

Have you been able to rekindle the desires for your hubby yet? Please don’t think pity sex will suffice, trust me I know. He will know if you aren’t into the bedroom actions.

 

It is great that you are in IC, looking at your issues and working on you.

Good friends, exercise, doing things with Husband and Son can also help bring you back to being desirous for BS.

 

Can I ask you a personal question ‘why do the bad treating boys get the WW’?

Just me I can’t get my head around that negativity attractions for the A to start.

 

I am a fan of R, I hope you get your poop together.

You said you have decided to stay in your marriage, make him want you, make him need to remain with you. That is why the advice is offered to tell your betrayed to show him you are not perfect, but have realised your errors of choices and are fully committed to him. When he finds out by another means it may be too late.

 

Big cyber hugs and good luck.

[Maddie82]

As i'm sure you can understand OP, i am having trouble finding any sympathy for you at all. You sought this guy out who was happily married with a new baby. You created all this. You caused it. Your actions could've destroyed 2 families. Forgive me if i don't feel sympathetic.

[BlindsidedTwice]

As i'm sure you can understand OP, i am having trouble finding any sympathy for you at all. You sought this guy out who was happily married with a new baby. You created all this. You caused it. Your actions could've destroyed 2 families. Forgive me if i don't feel sympathetic.

 

Hi Maddie - I understand no sympathy. I came here for perspective, and maybe some empathy, but I do know I am not deserving of any sympathy. I’m actually pretty embarrassed by my original post, and my venting post, and even my username. My perspective has changed significantly since then.

 

Just to clarify, I had originally sought out another man, who turned me down. He was single and lives further away. The man who ended up as my AP pursued me. He used to get frustrated that I would never reach out to him first - it was always him after me. That’s not me claiming to be blameless. I’m 100% to blame for my actions. He is also 100% to blame for his actions.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Hope you are ok and can now start thinking clearly.

I agree with the above statement DKT3, makes good calls. As some (me included) have stated BS and DS have picked up on your negative vibes and have their suspicions. Their spider senses are tingling.

You are still thinking and shedding tears for POS ‘is he thinking of me’? Turn that around, I hope he isn’t thinking of me! We don’t want POS contacting you, he will gaslight you back into his bedroom. Send a N.C. now please don’t hope he won’t contact.

 

Please get checked for STDs/STIs it is too risky.

 

In regards to telling your BS. Look at your family as a building.

It has to be built on a solid foundation. Keeping this A a secret is both unhealthy to you but severely damaging to any chance of R if/when hubby Finds out months or years away. To him it will be as if it just happened, distance in time is no safeguard.

 

Have you been able to rekindle the desires for your hubby yet? Please don’t think pity sex will suffice, trust me I know. He will know if you aren’t into the bedroom actions.

 

It is great that you are in IC, looking at your issues and working on you.

Good friends, exercise, doing things with Husband and Son can also help bring you back to being desirous for BS.

 

Can I ask you a personal question ‘why do the bad treating boys get the WW’?

Just me I can’t get my head around that negativity attractions for the A to start.

 

I am a fan of R, I hope you get your poop together.

You said you have decided to stay in your marriage, make him want you, make him need to remain with you. That is why the advice is offered to tell your betrayed to show him you are not perfect, but have realised your errors of choices and are fully committed to him. When he finds out by another means it may be too late.

 

Big cyber hugs and good luck.

 

Buffer - Thanks for checking in. Yes I am thinking much clearer now and I’m pretty embarrassed about some of my early posts, and even my username. There are no more tears or longing or aching. Mostly just guilt, shame, embarrassment, and still some lingering confusion.

 

When I was in college, I dated a boy who cheated on me over and over again. I remember finding out through the grapevine and he would deny deny deny even though the evidence was crystal clear. I do not want my husband to ever feel that way. You and DKT have given me so much perspective about how a confession would be less painful/destructive than my husband finding out in another way. That being said, I still haven’t confessed. When I get close, I panic and can’t do it. I’m pathetic and I know it.

 

Feelings and desire for my husband are returning and I’m not faking it. I know ultimately I might still lose him, but at least I will be begging for him to stay, and not still pining over xMM (aka POS).

 

As for your bad boys question... I don’t know and I hate it. When I married my husband, I remember thinking “See! Nice guys don’t have to finish last!” and then I went and ruined that. I think it’s a totally sexual thing but I don’t know why.

 

Ultimately, I want my husband and my marriage and my family. I’m a work in progress, but I’m trying.

[Maddie82]

Just to clarify, I had originally sought out another man, who turned me down. He was single and lives further away.

 

So you set out to cheat anyway? Even when you had a baby yourself? And when you couldn't get the first guy you looked for this one, even though you knew he was happy with his wife and new baby. Why did you want to cheat? What was so bad in your life that you felt this need?

[BlindsidedTwice]

So you set out to cheat anyway? Even when you had a baby yourself? And when you couldn't get the first guy you looked for this one, even though you knew he was happy with his wife and new baby. Why did you want to cheat? What was so bad in your life that you felt this need?

 

I am trying to figure that out myself. Nothing was so bad.

 

Before any of this, an old acquaintance direct messaged me, basically asking for nudes. I was shocked!?! He is married! I asked him how he could ask for nudes and dirty talk when he had a perfectly good (and beautiful, funny, smart) wife. He told me he used online flirting/sexting as a way to get turned on and then he would let it out on his wife in the bedroom. I had no interest in him, but the idea sounded exciting, and at that time, mostly harmless. Everything went downhill from there. I know now how stupid that thinking was.

 

Again, I am not blaming anyone but myself. Just trying to get to the root of it all.

[Maddie82]

Yeah but that guy wasn't cheating. He used flirting and pics to get turned of FOR HIS WIFE. You full on cheated. It's unforgivable.

[Abetterme]

Sorry Maddie, you don’t think this man she references was “cheating” but you want to beat her over the head continually for her choices (albeit poor and neither she nor I is condoning). What a double standard!!!

 

Blindsided - I am glad to see your growth in your thread. I agree, it’s painful to look at who we were. We are not our bad choices and I see you’re working to improve as many of us all are. Many on these boards might not agree with the pace we progress, or are working through. Just take it a day at a time and work to be the best person you can moving forward.

[Maddie82]

Abetterme, you misunderstood. I'm not talking about the guy she cheated with. He's a cheater and as mu h to blame as her. I'm talking about the guy that uses flirting and pictures to get turned on for his wife. Not actually sleeping with anyone.

[PhoenixRising8]

So Maddie, you don’t think the guy who asked for nude pics or sexting is cheating? You’d be ok with that from your SO?

 

Even though nudes and sexting isn’t in real life, it’s still highly inappropriate and cheating IMO. YMMV.

[Maddie82]

Of course that's not OK. It's creepy and highly innapropriate. No I'm not OK with it. OP used it as an excuse to seek men out to sleep with.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I believe my intent was to get some flirting and dirty talk from him and then use it to have more fun in bed with my H.

 

Yes I made the horrifying decision to full on cheat, but I stand by what I said earlier in this thread. My intent was to have more fun in bed with my husband. None of it is ok, but I did not set out looking for anything more than online flirting.

[Abetterme]

Abetterme, you misunderstood. I'm not talking about the guy she cheated with. He's a cheater and as mu h to blame as her. I'm talking about the guy that uses flirting and pictures to get turned on for his wife. Not actually sleeping with anyone.

 

No, I don’t misunderstand. This man asking for nude pics (from who knows how many women) whatever his motive, is cheating. I find your “lines” interesting.

[Maddie82]

No, I don’t misunderstand. This man asking for nude pics (from who knows how many women) whatever his motive, is cheating. I find your “lines” interesting.

 

He didn't physically cheat but what he did was highly innapropriate. I'm not condoning it and this is not about him.

[mark clemson]

... I still haven’t confessed. When I get close, I panic and can’t do it. I’m pathetic and I know it.

 

 

Using your logical brain to attempt to assess risks isn't actually pathetic. A sense of panic can keep one from walking off a cliff or attempting to intervene in a mafia hit. Maybe you're waiting until you "unconsciously" know it's the right/best possible time. Maybe you know at some level you haven't made all necessary preparations? Do you believe your husband is the type to consider reconciliation?

 

If you decide to tell, be sure that you've spoken to a family attorney and have a plan in place in case divorce becomes inevitable. Do you know what a probable divorce outcome would look like for you? Does your state have laws that could impact spousal support if there's infidelity? Many family attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consultations and you can call more than one to get your questions answered.

 

There's a lot of good reasons to tell, which I'm going to guess you're familiar with from reading around here. It's also a big risk. It sounds like you are leaning towards it. I'm not going to give a specific suggestion, but if you do want to, then perhaps you need to do the necessary prior preparations in order to feel confident doing this?

[DKT3]

I agree with Mark.

 

The truth is femals infidelity is most likely going to end in divorce, it would be wise to understand what that means. With that being said, confession actually swings the scale in favor of reconciliation.

 

From my own personal experience I suggest confession because it's a heavy load to carry. And often it just comes out and you're not prepared. To share a bit of our story, my wife and I were getting heated one night about my traveling and I made an off handed comment about her finding someone else, and she snapped back maybe I already tried that. Now, for some context, my wife had been "off" for some time leading up to this exchange and I had my suspicions. This is why I often say BS are often in denial but rarely clueless. Wayward spouses are not as good at being wayward as they believe.

 

Funny thing is before my wife never thought her affair would end our marriage but in that second she later admitted that the look on my face assured her I would divorce her. She clamed up, after 8 months of this it no longer mattered and I made the decision to leave. It took another 6 months to be comfortable with what that meant. 14 months of my life I wish had never happened all because she didnt want to hurt me. She made it so much worse.

[notbroken]

You initially wrote that you contacted your old boyfriend 'without bad intent'. Be honest with yourself. You were searching for something even then. It wasn't innocent. At all. You were looking for something and found it.

 

Forgive yourself and be the best you that you can be going forward. Affairs aren't part of that. Be honest with yourself about your motives and fix them.

[BlindsidedTwice]

It’s very possible you are correct. I don’t know myself anymore. I am treading through proverbial **** every moment of every day to try to be a better person. I can’t imagine a time when I will ever forgive myself.

[BlindsidedTwice]

After almost 3 months of NC, xMM sent me a short message this past weekend, asking to meet in person. I feel like it was worded in a way suggesting we could just pick things back up - and to minimize whatever I might be feeling. Also, it’s likely he was drunk. I did not and will not respond, due to many factors.

 

I wanted to post this update for anyone still reading my thread. Also, if there is any extra encouragement out there, I could use it... Less than 3 months ago, I thought I was in love with this man. Now I am ignoring and blocking him. I know I’m making the right decision but I feel sad too.

 

Edited to add: Thank you to every person here at LS who opened my eyes by sharing their stories and giving me advice. I think I would’ve been sucked back in immediately if it wasn’t for this thread and so so so many others that I’ve read through. My sadness isn’t really over him, it’s over my own stupidity- thinking this affair was some love story when really it was textbook affair. Cliche as they come. Thank you again. I can see now.

Edited October 14, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice
Expressing gratitude

[mark clemson]

Yep, you're absolutely doing the right thing by maintaining NC - no worries about that.

 

Be prepared for occasional pings like that. They may even intensify at some point. Not recalling if you told him directly to cease contacting you, but if you didn't you may want to at some point.

 

It might not make you feel better but you should realize that, after enough silence from you, he'll most likely find someone else.

[Beentheretoooften]

Blindsided. You encouraged yourself. I understand even though you know you are making all the right decisions, it’s still Incredibly sad, frustrating and of course you are scared. You aren’t alone. I hope your pain keeps on fading away , and the sooner you can truly forgive yourself, the better off you will be. Stay patient with yourself. Sending you strength and courage.

[S2B]

Good job! Stay NC

 

ANY contact from him means he just wants to bed you/get you to take your position. He can find a new victim.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Give yourself a lot of credit, because that is SO hard to do! Good for you.

 

When I was 3 months out I know I would have met him and gone right back to it, despite knowing it was a bad idea, despite how he treated me, etc. That's how far gone I was, I had no control over myself. Hopefully reading others' stories showed you that not one person who went back ended up happy. It always made it worse, and set them back to square one. Just keep reminding yourself how quickly and abruptly he ended things when it suited him, if you get tempted. Also ask yourself: what do I hope will happen? You leave your spouses? Pick up where you left off and continue a dead end affair? If you run the scenarios, you probably aren't interested in any of them, not really.

[oldlion]

If you really love your husband and want your marriage then never have any contact with this man again. No texting, letter writing, no email, no phone call, no facebook, not even a smoke signal. If by some lapse in judgement you do decide to contact him then there are a few other things you need to decide on also. You have to decide where you are going to live after the separation or divorce from your husband. You have to decide on custody of your child. You have to decide how marriage assets will be divided. What lawyer you want to use in the divorce. What you are going to say to friends and family. The law of averages says that eventually the affair will come out. It may take years but it will become known. So much to lose just to be in contact with someone that could care less about you, your family or his family as long as he gets from you what he is after. I do wish you well.