Can I ever really get over this?

[Lov3foo1]

I’ve been holding off on posting, because mentally I know what I need to do to go through the end of my affair. However, lately there have been several emotional triggers, and I’m seriously questioning if I can ever get over all this.

 

A VERY long story short (still kinda long, sorry), xMM and I met at work. We were strictly coworkers for about a year before I started noticing that he may have had feelings for me. At first I was not at all interested and was even devising plans to keep him at bay. However, a perfect storm situation brew; I had been subconsciously checking out of my marriage months before noticing xMM’s feelings, then came a work party where I let my guard down, xMM made a move on me and I was hooked. Things with my marriage started spiraling downhill quickly, and so I had (again subconsciously) used my A as an exit affair.

 

The affair relationship itself “officially” only lasted a month (Feb-Mar 2018), half of which he was traveling with his W and two kids to his W’s home country. We kept in touch via private IM, and It was during his time away where we really connected and I realized I was really starting to develop feelings for him. It was also thru this IM which my now soon-to-be xH found out about the affair.

 

They say when it rains, it pours. Three days after D-day, my mom suffered from a stroke, then another two days before she had a cardiac arrest which led to another massive stroke, leaving her pretty much completely paralyzed and unable to speak or eat.

 

So there I was, as if the end of an A is not enough of an emotional roller coaster, also having to deal with trying to repair my marriage (my xH and I agreed to try) while having my mom in the hospital in critical conditions.

 

Fast forward to Aug 2018, MC was going nowhere, then my mom had an infection during her stay in a nursing home which brought her back to ER. It was during this trip to the ER I realized I hadn’t gone anywhere in terms of repairing my marriage, and decided a separation was necessary.

 

This whole time my xMM and I had very limited contact, we remained cordial at work. I hadn’t told him anymore about my personal life. He heard about me having moved out in Nov thru a coworker. By now it was 9 months after we officially ended. We hooked up for one night in Dec before he told me a few days later that he shouldn’t have done what he did with me, and that he intended on staying married. I was of course once again heart-broken, but by this time I had been through so much crap that I knew this was just another episode I needed to move forward from.

 

Then in early Jan of this year, he sent a 3am text saying how he woke up in the middle of the night thinking about me. I responded to his text a week later with my “ultimatum” text, letting him know by then I realized I was starting to fall for him (I'm not gonna go into nitty gritty details here, but basically he did little things between Dec-Jan which showed me he still really cared about me even though he never verbalized it - the little things were what made me fall), but if he intends on staying married then he’s gotta let go of me. He responded a few days later saying he’ll let go. Six weeks after that, he moved on to a different department. xMM and I basically haven't spoken to each other at all since Jan.

 

My soon-to-be xH and I filed for divorce back in April this year. I know I broke his heart, but I also know this is the right thing to do. I couldn't continue living a lie...my heart was too far gone.

 

Because xMM and I still work in the same company (although I hardly see him at all since he switched department), I still have this uncontrollable urge to stalk him here and there. Back in mid-July I know he had gone on his annual trip to his wife’s home country again. This caused emotional triggers back to his last trip. I thought about posting on LS then but still decided I was gonna be strong enough to ride it out.

 

But the worst of all this…my mom passed away last week. While of course I am grieving the loss of my mother, this also is triggering emotions for my xMM, I think due to how both his trips connect with my mom’s tragedies. Remembering how last year I saw him as a lifeline at the time, as I shared my thoughts and feelings about it all. Now I’m once again longing to lean on him for support, but he’s no longer there.

 

Someone please…I’ve really been trying to move on from my xMM. I’ve been doing kickboxing and meditation for a few months now. I signed up to join a few local meetup groups for divorce support, single parenting, and social purposes. Leaving my job is also on my plate of to-do’s, although this is gonna be rather hard on me as I’ve been with the company for over 9 years now and have good relations with my team and colleagues. I’ve been reading up books on finances as I’m now gonna be a single mom of 2 boys I know I have to provide not just for myself but for them as well, also signed up to take programming courses online.

 

I’m really, really trying…but these emotional triggers won’t stop coming and I just don’t know what else to do. I welcome any and all suggestions. I want to eventually be at a place where I can be indifferent towards xMM.

 

Also…if someone can shed some light on why xMM didn’t completely leave I certainly appreciate thoughts on that as well. I actually kept thinking that after our A ended last year that he’d be gone soon after: during our A he told me that he was bored with his work, we’re connected on LinkedIn and I can see he’s had no trouble finding new jobs before, along with his personality (he’s pretty well-liked in our company, in fact his current manager had been trying to recruit him for over a year), experience, and the field he’s in, he could have taken a stroll around the block and have a dozen job offers thrown his way. I can’t help but keep thinking that he’s sticking around because of me, although I cannot fathom what for.

 

Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any suggestions and insights.

[elaine567]

I guess he didn't leave for the same reasons you don't leave, he likes being there.

Bit of an ego boost for him to find he is generally well liked and was "head hunted" by his current manager.

He switched departments so has little current contact with you thus why does he need to leave?

He has accomplished distance from you without the hassle of changing jobs.

 

I think it is a bit of a reach to think he stays for you.

 

I think you have elevated this 4 week fling and later ONS to the status of a real relationship due to all the traumas you have suffered.

You were flailing around in deep water looking for a rescuer.

Seems he was willing to have you as an OW, but as soon as you wanted more he was not interested and cut you off.

MM tend to like MW, both in same boat, no-one is leaving, they don't tend to like separating or divorcing women... because expectations get raised, expectations they cannot meet.

 

Kick him off that pedestal, he was just a married man looking for some "extra"...

Onwards and upwards...

[anika99]

I am so sorry about your mom. I agree with the prior poster that it seems like you have elevated this MM to some sort of saviour status in your head. He was there when you needed support but he could have been anybody. He isn't special, he never had your best interest at heart. He wasn't even a true friend because he used your vulnerability to his advantage and real friends wouldn't have done that.

 

I also very much doubt that he is staying at the company because of you. You don't figure into his decisions and it's highly unlikely that he would stay at a job he doesn't enjoy. You sound like you are keeping yourself busy but maybe you need some individual counseling to help you through your grief. You have lost your marriage and your mom yet you are hyper focused on a MM who you had a fling with. You need some real support and some therapy would probably help a lot.

[BaileyB]

Another who strong advises counselling - lots of counselling.

 

You have suffered trauma with your mom and you are grieving two very significant losses. It’s only natural that you would want to cling to this MM like a lifeline... the only problem is, if you do cling to him you will go down with the ship.

 

Let him go. It’s time to practice extreme self care and part of that is finding a really good counsellor.

 

I’m so sorry about your mom. Hugs.

[BTDT2012]

So sorry about the loss of your mom.

[mark clemson]

You might or might not have limerence for the MM. You might research this, e.g. on wikipedia and try to figure out whether you do.

 

As others are indicating above I think, it sounds like you need someone emotionally for support right now. In addition to the IC suggestion, are there a few close friends you could lean on a bit? That might help as well...

[Lov3foo1]

Thanks everyone for the suggestion of IC. I've actually done this with 3 separate counselors, none of which yielded significant results. During one session I mentioned that I had a bunch of lingering questions about my A and xMM which of course I wasn't gonna get answers to (the first one being why WHY is he still here), she told me to maybe try and answer them on my own and see what that leads me. So I did this exercise, only to find that my last question leads back to the first question. I found myself stuck in a loop. So now anytime I find myself going down this rabbit hole, I just need to remind myself that the answers don't matter, what matters is that he chose to let go.

 

I do have a friend who knows everything I've been going through. She's been a great source of support, but I know I can't rely completely on her either since she also has a life of her own (married with 3 kids with a full-time career).

 

Along with the territory of divorce also came loss of friends. xH and I have known each other for 25 years (married for 9). We knew each other from church, half of which were his family members, so you can guess which side they picked. I spent the most lonely birthday ever back in June, having cried on and off the whole day.

 

And as some posters have mentioned, I absolutely HATE that I am misdirecting my energy from grieving the loss of my mom and marriage to xMM. My mom's funeral is this Saturday...

[BaileyB]

During one session I mentioned that I had a bunch of lingering questions about my A and xMM which of course I wasn't gonna get answers to (the first one being why WHY is he still here).

 

The question is not why is he still here... What he does should be inconsequential to you. The more important question for you should be what can you do to live your best life and leave this very unhealthy relationship behind.

 

To be honest, the answer of why he is still here is probably as simple as - because you allow it. He knows that he can come and go from your life at will, he knows thatiu will have sex with him if he wants it... why wouldn’t he stay around? It means little that he has decided to stay with his wife - he has strayed before more than once so there is no reason not to think that it will happen again...

 

This is a time of transformation for you - the end of a marriage and a bad relationship. You are starting a new life without your mom - that is transformative, let me tell you. Do the things that make you happy and take this time to decide what you want for your future. You can have whatever you want - don’t stay stuck on a man who cares so little about you that he has used you for sex and then chosen another woman.

 

Some years are for questions, and others are for answers. This year should be about questions for you - what kind of person do you want to be and what do you want for your life. Good luck.

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Lov3foo1]

I just wanted to clarify that I do not intend on ever being with him again as long as he's married. I don't post here a lot but when I do it is usually to advocate that words and affections are meaningless unless a man CHOOSES you.

 

I'm curious to why you say that I allow him to stay around? I had no idea he was switching to department until it was publicly announced.

 

I appreciate very much your insight on the years for questioning and transformation. Through reading and IC I've been told many times I need to make lists of my values and from there, my goals in life. Believe me I've also been doing this as well. My biggest issue right now I think is with deconstructing the fantasies...I guess setting up and achieving life goals should help with that regard.

Edited August 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, I thought you were stuck on the question “why is he still here” meaning, still contacting you, still coming around... And, I was simply suggesting that he may be doing that because he has come around more than once, and you have let him into your life. I’m sorry if I misunderstood your post.

 

My biggest issue right now I think is with deconstructing the fantasies...

 

That’s a very good plan.

[FMW]

I was involved with a MM at the same time time my father was going through repeated health crises and ultimately lost his battle with cancer. So I can tell you from personal experience that the two situations can very much become intertwined for you emotionally.

 

My father has been gone three years now, my involvement with the MM over for a year. I'm still coming to terms with both, and both situations are still connected for me.

 

To answer your question, I'm not sure "getting over this" is actually possible, if you mean that the feelings will eventually go away. But I have faith for myself that I will move past it so I think the same for you as long as you keep pushing forward. It's just a very slow process.

[elaine567]

I just wanted to clarify that I do not intend on ever being with him again as long as he's married.

 

The problem with that, is that you are still emotionally invested in a man you had a 4 week fling with, to the extent if he got a divorce tomorrow you would be all in...

A man who cheats on his wife and who unceremoniously dumped you when you refused to be his OW, is still a "prize"???

 

What is it you actually need to get over?

4 year affair I get.

4 weeks whilst he was away travelling with his family for half the time, I don't get.

[BaileyB]

What is it you actually need to get over?

4 year affair I get.

4 weeks whilst he was away travelling with his family for half the time, I don't get.

 

But clearly, she has invested in this relationship for years. Their time together may have been short, I would suggest that she has built this relationship up in her mind and ruminated over it for years...

 

I agree with you Elaine, I find it hard to understand why after all this time she is still having so much difficulty letting go of this “relationship.” But then again, it is really hard to let go of a fantasy.

 

I would most definitely agree, this man is no prize. I find it sad that you are still, at least in some way, waiting for him OP.

[spiritedaway2003]

Thanks for sharing your story. First thing first: I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. Huge hug to you.

 

Was the question that kept you in a loop about why he's still at the company? If that's the case, I wouldn't attribute it to being to you there. Moving department is usually sufficient in limiting contact, especially if he's made it clear that he's not going to to leave his wife. He did what he thought he needed to do to minimize contact. There could be tons of reasons why he decide to stay, just as there are reasons why you decide to stay. The risk for you is the "uncontrollable urge to stalk him here and there" and that you can still get news about him through the grapevine so it's not really true NC. That could impact your ability to move on.

 

I think you are already a far stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You are dealing with multiple losses and I hope you give yourself a chance to grieve. You had the courage to walk away from a marriage that you know isn't working for you anymore (and losing mutual friends along the way). You knew that your xH deserves more than what you can give him. You are focusing on making life goals and taking care of your work and kids. You dealt with stressful events with your mom, and now you're dealing with her loss. You are confronting things head-on, and you should at least be proud of that. Letting go is easier said that done, regardless of the length of the A.

 

Put the xMM and thoughts about him down as you grieve the loss of your Mom in the coming days and weeks. It's a lot to deal with. I might still encourage you to find the right therapist. Sometimes you don't find the right one in the first couple of tries, but a good, objective one can help you see things differently and give you support in ways that this board or those closest to you couldn't. A good one will also allow you be honest with yourself, even when others don't understand why you might still see as "good" in the xMM or why you feel the way you do. The end result might still be the same, but understanding why would help you to move forward. It helps to shift the focus back to you instead of being caught up into what's happening with him. (If I were to guess, he was the one who actively pursued you. There might be things there that might be good to sort through).

 

Either way, please take time for yourself. And take care.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your loss.

 

As for your exMM, he is keeping you on his toes, it's all about him. He knows you still want and love him so he is giving you little bits of attention so you won't close the door on him. He has NO intention of leaving his marriage or divorcing.

 

You are in a very fragile place right now, the death of your mom, your divorce (just FYI, you may be a single mom but the kids dad is still in the picture so you won't be all alone raising your kids) and exMM playing a game with you. It is a game as he doesn't truly care about your wellbeing. If he did, he'd leave you alone and let you move on with your life.

 

I agree with the others, do counseling and grief counseling too.

[elaine567]

As for your exMM, he is keeping you on his toes, it's all about him. He knows you still want and love him so he is giving you little bits of attention so you won't close the door on him. He has NO intention of leaving his marriage or divorcing.

 

There is NO continuing attention.

He has not communicated since he moved departments in January...

[spiritedaway2003]

What is it you actually need to get over?

4 year affair I get.

4 weeks whilst he was away travelling with his family for half the time, I don't get.

 

I can't speak for the OP, but keep in mind she knows him for another year before. Just like a BS would look at the totality of the marriage, an OW would look at the totality of the interactions with the MM. If a BS found out that her husband is having an affair, do you tell the BS that she should be able to get over it more quickly because it was only a 4 week affair rather than a 4 year affair? A betrayal is still a betrayal, is it not? It does not make the hurt any less. If they were close colleagues, she also had to come to terms with losing a close colleague. If they had been friends, she has to cope with losing the friendship.

 

In her case, she is emotionally attached to the xMM for whatever reason that is significant to her (and is something to be worked through). The length of the A should not undermine the depths or the intensity for what she felt.

[Naivewomen]

Excellent post spiritedaway.

[elaine567]

She needs to be able to burst the bubble of the fantasy, how can she do that if she doesn't face up to the fact, this is a guy she hardly knows, who has cut her off dead since January.

[Turning point]

OP, I find it interesting that you say you "fell in love with him" as a result of text messages exchanged while he was out of the country.

 

He wasn't even present! You essentially fell in love with a ghost. I interpret that to mean it had nothing to do with him - and you would have "fallen" for anyone or anything that served up what you were hungry for.

 

By claiming he "should not have done what we did" he is asking you to lower your expectations. He doesn't (and never did) have "feelings" for you. What he had was intentions - and he pursued them. If he contacts you again his intention will be the same.

[Lov3foo1]

I said my goodbyes to my mom, along with many others.

 

For one reason or another, it also felt like closure with xMM. I think because my roller coaster ride started with my mom's strokes along with my A, my mom's funeral also feels like the end to my roller coaster ride. I wanted xMM to be there again to help me thru my mom's death, and he wasn't there, and I feel ok with that.

 

I don't anticipate on posting here again. Know that I really do appreciate the kind words, the encouragement, and the well wishes.

 

And so, life goes on...I hope everyone here can move on from this forum also, sooner rather than later.

[spiritedaway2003]

I said my goodbyes to my mom, along with many others.

 

For one reason or another, it also felt like closure with xMM. I think because my roller coaster ride started with my mom's strokes along with my A, my mom's funeral also feels like the end to my roller coaster ride. I wanted xMM to be there again to help me thru my mom's death, and he wasn't there, and I feel ok with that.

 

Hey Lov3fool, I was thinking of you today. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know this must be a very difficult time for you.

 

Please don't shy away if you need support, though I find that sometimes stepping away helps. I hope you can find the support with friends and in IC to help you deal with all the losses in your life. Sometimes these things can take days, weeks, and even months (with good and bad days and lapses in between). I wouldn't give up on looking for the right IC counselor for you yet. FWIW, my first one didn't work for me. My second one is better. I don't really expect answers since that's internal work, but having a supportive outlet to talk through things had been a godsend. I hope you can find that.

 

Sorry I'm not able to PM you, but my condolences for your loss. I hope you find all the strength you need. All parents want the best for their kids, and there's no doubt that your Mom would want to you to be happy. Thanks for your courage in posting and sharing your story. Please take care of yourself. Find that support you need. Hang in there, be strong. I'm rooting for you. (((HUGS)))