Cathy7 Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Dear Forum Users, it seems I am here to ask for your thoughts again. My boyfriend, it seems, suffers from schizophrenia. We live in the same city now since I moved in here . Since a long time he kept suspecting me of cheating and doing things I never thought about. At first I thought he is just exaggerating. He had a sort of an episode too, suddenly believed I am here to hurt him. It broke my heart. I dont know if I can deal with all that. Its mentally shattering and I feel I keep losing myself mentally too. I think we shouldnt get into serious relationship but also I love him and want to be there for him. He is the most loving, amazing person ever and I am so in love with him. The best man I ever knew. Did anyone deal with something similar? Thank you for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 There are too many unknowns here Cathy and it will take a lot of time to sort them out. How much time are you willing to spend? There are degrees of Schizophrenia all the way to the person who hears voices telling him to do things. There is medication and it can work wonders with some people but not all. Have you thought of what life will be with him if you marry and have children? Would you be able to trust him with the kids? I think you would be wise to put your future with this man on hold until there is clarity on what that future will look like. That doesn't mean you have to abandon him. Just understand that the future is not what you were expecting. My sympathies to both of you and I pray he recovers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 As someone with mental illness I cant say I’ve specifically put someone through that but I have put my wife through the ringer. It’s really how much are you willing to deal with. My wife has high tolerance and is willing to accept my issues. It’s really if you can handle it for a lifetime. I know a lot of people can’t deal with that sort of thing. If things ever didn’t work out on my end I would never go on the dating scene again because I wouldn’t want to burden others with my stuff. But that’s just me and I would actually encourage the opposite. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Assuming that is a diagnosis from a medical doctor, see if you can find a support group to help you through his illness. If it's just your opinion, decide if you are willing to put up with this for the rest of your life, because he's not going to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 (edited) Dear All, thank you for your kind responses and perspectives. I am really desperate and so sad over it I can hardly think of any solution. On the one hand, it is the most brillant man whom I love and adore, then, on the other, a day like this comes, ex. This episode, and I know I wont be able to handle it emotionally. I will definitely make sure there is no rush towards the future, but I also dont want to stop him from making his dreams come true, even if it means him being with a different person. The thing that stops me from that is that I really love him. Losing him appears to be terrible, facing an episode appears to be terrible as well. I look at him and everything breaks in me from sadness when I jist think that I may hurt him, amd then when I think about this episode I am filled with so much fear and anxiety and I feel we should both value our mental peace and health as well. The most sensible, probably for both of us, seems breaking up and also it seems to be the most cruel solution. I wouldnt like to abandon him at all. He is a great and loving man. But its very difficult to find the right way now. Edited August 8, 2019 by Cathy7 Spelling mistake Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 8, 2019 Author Share Posted August 8, 2019 Dear Schlumpy, Thank you for your reply, good wishes, prayers and encouragement. This all means a lot. Its a sad time. I knew I met the best man of my life and I wasnt ready for this sad event. I will be very careful about the future now and watch for the unknowns. But the dangers you ennumerste are very real(family, children). I think that perhaps both of us need some peace of mind now to try to deal with our own lives and eventually see what it will bring. [/b][/b][/b][/i]nknowns here Cathy and it will take a lot of time to sort them out. How much time are you willing to spend? There are degrees of Schizophrenia all the way to the person who hears voices telling him to do things. There is medication and it can work wonders with some people but not all. Have you thought of what life will be with him if you marry and have children? Would you be able to trust him with the kids? I think you would be wise to put your future with this man on hold until there is clarity on what that future will look like. That doesn't mean you have to abandon him. Just understand that the future is not what you were expecting. My sympathies to both of you and I pray he recovers. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 8, 2019 Share Posted August 8, 2019 Schizophrenia is the least treatable mental illness out there. The meds that might work to stop some of the worst of it also make people so dull you might have trouble wanting to be around them. Just remember that there are people, many people for many reasons, who you can love but not commit to a life with. You shouldn't feel guilty for that. Just because you care about someone doesn't obligate you to put them into your household. Because not everyone is suitable for that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 The thing that stops me from that is that I really love him. Losing him appears to be terrible, facing an episode appears to be terrible as well. Will his doctor speak to you, or perhaps the two of you together? He may have some ideas for managing his illness as a couple. Alternatively, you might seek the advice of a counselor specializing in the field. Be careful with any medical advice you get in an online forum like this (mine included ). A complex situation such as yours benefits from professional help... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 (edited) Well, my partners ex-brother in law came to the door the other night in the middle of a psychotic episode. It was frightening. My partner left his marriage because his wife developed a mental illness. She, like this man, believes that everyone is out to get her. She is very paranoid. He stayed in the marriage for years, before he decided he needed to leave for his own well-being. Schizophrenia is something that can be managed with medication, but it is never cured. And, Preraph is correct, it is the least treatable mental illness. It’s not uncommon for people who have the diagnosis to go off their meds (as is the current situation with my partners ex-brother-in-law). Some people, with untreated schizophrenia, can do very dangerous things. They are often not able to work. Schizophrenia is a very serious illness. Cathy, if you are feeling unsafe with this man, you need to end the relationship. Your safety and mental health should be your priority. Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 9, 2019 Author Share Posted August 9, 2019 Thank you for your replies and perspectives and also For the examples from your life of persons whom you Know. I am full of fears about the future and I know it will be more than difficult for me to handle, also when I think about the future, children etc. My boyfriend does not do specifically dangerous things but I feel weary of being suspected and it also had an impact on me perceiving our relationship in a different light. I know it is an illness and nit his fault but I also feel very deeply all the accusations. The worst was when he suspected me of wanting to hurt him and I really dont think I will be able to handle the future like this. In the meantime, between all this misery, he is the most special, caring and loving individual of my life. We have a very strongnconnection and amazing time together when everything is alright, but why oh why.... I talked with him about all this but he seemed angered and bitter that I dont see him as a future spouse. He dreams about it and takes it all to his heart, while my intention was to highlight that such future may not be necessarily good for any of us and not good to start a family. All this has nothing in common with my affection for him. If I didnt care and love him with my heart, I wouldnt even talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out the way you would have wanted Cathy. But still, I think it’s a good decision. Does he take medication? The one other thing that may help you to be at peace with this decision... Children of individuals with this kind of serious mental illness are at a higher risk of having mental illness. Not to mention, the fact that you simply can not expose a child to a father who is having paranoid delusions. Take care of yourself. You are a good person and I hope you find a good man to love you someday, someone who is healthy and well. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 Remember that his illness is not YOUR fault either. And you must remember that it is largely hereditary and your children will have a good chance of being burdened with it, reason enough not to have children with a schizophrenic, in my opinion. You can be friends with this man for the future. Though violence in schizophrenics is lower than in the general population, when it does happen, it is big and horrifically bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 9, 2019 Author Share Posted August 9, 2019 Thank you for these warm and supportive replies It feels like I am completely lost. The most terrible was for me when he said that voices told him I will hurt him. When we talked about it and I suggested that perhaps its too much for both of us, he was irritated that he told me this honestly and I reject him now and dont find him good enough. I know it was an illness speaking with the "voices", but I think that I also have feelings and one has to be very tough to hear such thing and approach itwithout emotions or feeling hurt and bad. So mainly we have not broken up yet but we are quite close. I dont want to hurt him by all means, I cant express what a great man he is when everything is fine, but definitely we are not heading towards family, childern, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 9, 2019 Share Posted August 9, 2019 Cathy, what kind of help is he seeking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) I think it was before that he did seek it, not at present. Edited August 10, 2019 by Cathy7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 Also, these situations did not happen in the very beginning of our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 Also, I feel so much guilt for developing doubts about our relationship so suddenly and also sharing my thoughts with him but I had to be sincere becasue I am also serious. I just feel like such a wicked person for developing these doubts but I see that your reflections also highlight the same worries I face. I know that if anyone deserves the best, it is definitely him. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 Good lord, Cathy. Your gut is telling you that something is not right. And, your gut is correct apparently. There is nothing to feel guilty about. If you are unhappy, aren't being treated well, and/or have any fear at all, you need to take care of yourself. The fact is that if he has schizophrenia or some other serious condition, it is outside of your skill set to be of any help to him. You will find yourself exhausted. It is up to him to seek help from an appropriate source and if he is unwilling to do that or doesn't recognize the need for it, you just have to leave it to him PERIOD. You aren't doing him any favors by tolerating and enabling those behaviors. If he is going to recognize and understand, he needs to have consequences at least. If there is any "outside" responsibility to help him get help, it should be his family. Are you in touch with them, is he? Do they know the extent of his issues? What do you really know about him? I mean, really, really know. It sounds like you're spending more time together now too since you move to his city so now you're seeing the real him, that's what the crux of the situation for you is. This isn't new, obviously. And, you say you aren't there to hurt him. If he is ill, he thinks a lot of people are going to hurt him. Like I said, you don't really have the skills to help him and if anything, you may do something that could cause more difficulty or get you injured. Do yourself a favor and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 Dear Forum Users, it seems I am here to ask for your thoughts again. My boyfriend, it seems, suffers from schizophrenia. Is this a dx you are labeling him with or does he actually have a dx? Link to post Share on other sites
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