How long do you stay 'connected' each day?

[Happy3917]

Hello! New poster, here.

 

I'm in a 3917 mile LDR with my girlfriend in Kentucky (I'm in the UK).

 

We FaceTime 1 hour in the morning whilst she gets ready for work, then occasionally on her lunch break (depending on how busy she is) and then we watch a series/movie/play games/talk whilst on FaceTime in the evening for 3-4 hours.

 

AND then, we fall asleep on FaceTime audio, just so that if either of us wake up, we have someone to talk to.

 

Our mentality is, to make it as though it's a closed gap relationship.

 

What do you do?

[Rayce]

IMO this does not sound very healthy at all. It's day here and night there... What is keeping one of you from moving closer?

[hippychick3]

Hello! New poster, here.

 

I'm in a 3917 mile LDR with my girlfriend in Kentucky (I'm in the UK).

 

We FaceTime 1 hour in the morning whilst she gets ready for work, then occasionally on her lunch break (depending on how busy she is) and then we watch a series/movie/play games/talk whilst on FaceTime in the evening for 3-4 hours.

 

AND then, we fall asleep on FaceTime audio, just so that if either of us wake up, we have someone to talk to.

 

Our mentality is, to make it as though it's a closed gap relationship.

 

What do you do?

 

Have you met in person? Do you see each other ever? Do you have any life outside of work and sleep?

 

This “relationship” sounds very unhealthy and unsustainable.

[Michelle ma Belle]

To the previous posters - why does this relationship sound unhealthy?

 

He isn't asking if we think it's healthy - he's asking how those members who are or who have done LRD stay connected.

 

OP - I've done LDR a few times now. I think whatever works for you is what works for you. Some couples are fine with connecting once a day while others want/need more communication be it texting or calls or video or all the above. That is for each couple to decide for themselves as well as what is realistic given distance, time zones and work/personal commitments.

 

I will say that LDR is not for everyone and it does take a lot of open and honest communication to keep the connection alive as well as trust. Making time to see one another in the flesh is also extremely important. Not sure if you've done that or are planning it but if not, get on it.

 

At some point once you've been dating for a long period of time, there should also be a plan how and when you bridge the gap permanently.

 

Not sure where you're at with all of this in your relationship but these are things you need to keep in mind.

 

Good luck.

[rjc149]

Not to rain on your parade but the longer you stay in LD the more the connection will starve and the attraction will degrade. This is inevitable. The lack of physical touch and presence, intimacy, and yes sex, is very hard on the emotional bond.

 

Frequent communication at some point will seem too frequent and eventually come off as needy to one partner. It will seem like going through the motions to them, a chore almost, and they will start getting bored with it. They'll stop being so available for 3 hour facetime sessions each evening and start pulling away, causing the other partner to increase the frequency in pursuit, consequently degrading the other's attraction. Coupled with the fact that the female partner will always have local male suitors. You're in England day after day, the cute guy from work is right there day after day. It will start weighing in to the equation.

 

However, if the communication is too infrequent for one's needs, the emotional connection, and attraction, is going to wither in short order.

 

LDR's are tough. If left open-ended and indefinite, they have approaching expiration dates. If you're committed and serious about this relationship, close the distance ASAP or have a definite end date in the calendar within 365 days ASAP. Or prepare for some heartbreak.

Edited August 8, 2019 by rjc149

[hippychick3]

To the previous posters - why does this relationship sound unhealthy?

 

He isn't asking if we think it's healthy - he's asking how those members who are or who have done LRD stay connected.

 

OP - I've done LDR a few times now. I think whatever works for you is what works for you. Some couples are fine with connecting once a day while others want/need more communication be it texting or calls or video or all the above. That is for each couple to decide for themselves as well as what is realistic given distance, time zones and work/personal commitments.

 

I will say that LDR is not for everyone and it does take a lot of open and honest communication to keep the connection alive as well as trust. Making time to see one another in the flesh is also extremely important. Not sure if you've done that or are planning it but if not, get on it.

 

At some point once you've been dating for a long period of time, there should also be a plan how and when you bridge the gap permanently.

 

Not sure where you're at with all of this in your relationship but these are things you need to keep in mind.

 

Good luck.

 

I’ve been in an LDR for years. Although we now see each other weekly, there were times in the beginning where we didn’t see each for 2-5 weeks at a time. Never did we spend 6 hours a day video chatting. 6 hours plus every SINGLE day means you have no other time for anyone or anything else in your life. That is not healthy.

[Rayce]

He isn't asking if we think it's healthy - he's asking how those members who are or who have done LRD stay connected.

 

Yes of course your right... I am sorry. I was in a LDR once and we would read the same novel and them email back and froth about it.

[Foxhall]

Rather you than me buddy,

 

you/both of you have little for doing I might say

 

what you describe would bore the hell out of me-cudnt do it, (not surprising you fall asleep)

 

I do skype a lady in Mexico maybe four times a year - for the sake of keeping a friendship going- that is about manageable.

 

good luck though- hope it works out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Never did we spend 6 hours a day video chatting. 6 hours plus every SINGLE day means you have no other time for anyone or anything else in your life. That is not healthy.

 

I have to agree.

 

That much video chatting every day is likely to get tedious after a while, OP, and kill the spark as it starts to feel more and more like a chore than a pleasure. It would also likely mean you are neglecting other areas of your lives, creating a dynamic that isn't very sustainable in the long-run.

 

I believe it's important to also give each other some breathing space and maintain your lives offline as well, or you risk one party feeling suffocated and bored too quickly.

 

Have you met her in person?

[BaileyB]

I live five minutes away from my boyfriend, and we see/talk to each other a fraction of the time you spend FaceTiming your girlfriend.

 

With our other obligations - work, his son, friends and family, maintaining our homes, etc... We couldn’t possibly spend that much time together. I would agree with the other posters, it’s very unlikely that this will be sustainable long term. And yet, I get the sense that you have posted asking if you should be doing more...

Edited August 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[aria789]

The main thing is that you feel connected. When I had such an experience, we talked even less than you, but now we are together and this has not destroyed our relationship.

[d0nnivain]

What do you do?

 

I could never keep that up. I did a 3000 mile relationship NY to LA in my early 20s before cell phones & internet. We had a single 1 hour phone call at 11 p.m EST on Wednesdays & wrote actual letters that traveled through the mail each day.

 

I think one Facetime thing per day with the time difference & some e-mails / texts would be sufficient. How do you get anything done with the schedule you described? You would have to be glued to your phone & somebody is not sleeping.

[justwhoiam]

Our mentality is, to make it as though it's a closed gap relationship.

 

What do you do?

 

Welcome to the LS LDR forum

 

I've read all the answers you've got so far on here.

 

We fluctuate regarding the amount of communication. We talk almost every day through Skype, sending each other messages throughout the day and maybe a couple calls. I'm more or less in your shoes, as I'm in EU and he's on the East Coast.

 

Anyway, I think that any couple has different routines and ways to keep in touch. Especially if you're millennials, your preferences will be different than ours. We have families, children to take care of, stuff to manage, houses to run... that might not be your case.

 

 

Not to rain on your parade but the longer you stay in LD the more the connection will starve and the attraction will degrade. This is inevitable.

 

Well, then I must be the exception to your rule. Going 8 years. Obviously we meet one another in person too.

 

I think that facetiming for hours is sustainable in the short term, but not long-term.

 

My suggestion is: keep the routines that are sustainable in the longer term, and enjoy the crazy stuff now and then, because we like some thrill too, right?

 

LDR's are tough. If left open-ended and indefinite, they have approaching expiration dates.

Or not.

[Happy3917]

IMO this does not sound very healthy at all. It's day here and night there... What is keeping one of you from moving closer?

 

My Visa application, right now... it's coming...!

[Happy3917]

Have you met in person? Do you see each other ever? Do you have any life outside of work and sleep?

 

This “relationship” sounds very unhealthy and unsustainable.

 

We have met in person. We're back together again in 62 days!

 

We both have healthy social lives, too. The balance for us is just right...

[Happy3917]

Never did we spend 6 hours a day video chatting. 6 hours plus every SINGLE day means you have no other time for anyone or anything else in your life. That is not healthy.

 

OKay, Maybe EVERY single day is an exaggeration. But when you live with someone, you may see them in the morning... have breakfast together... maybe meet for lunch... then sit and watch TV together in the evening...

 

That could all add up to about 6 hours a day. Easily done.

[Happy3917]

I have to agree.

 

That much video chatting every day is likely to get tedious after a while, OP, and kill the spark as it starts to feel more and more like a chore than a pleasure. It would also likely mean you are neglecting other areas of your lives, creating a dynamic that isn't very sustainable in the long-run.

 

I believe it's important to also give each other some breathing space and maintain your lives offline as well, or you risk one party feeling suffocated and bored too quickly.

 

Have you met her in person?

 

We have met in person... a few times. Back together in 62 days!

[Happy3917]

 

what you describe would bore the hell out of me-cudnt do it, (not surprising you fall asleep)

 

 

We fall asleep because it's time for bed... not because we're bored.

[Happy3917]

I get the sense that you have posted asking if you should be doing more...

 

I was actually only asking what others do, as I was interested...

[Happy3917]

Welcome to the LS LDR forum

 

I've read all the answers you've got so far on here.

 

We fluctuate regarding the amount of communication. We talk almost every day through Skype, sending each other messages throughout the day and maybe a couple calls. I'm more or less in your shoes, as I'm in EU and he's on the East Coast.

 

Anyway, I think that any couple has different routines and ways to keep in touch. Especially if you're millennials, your preferences will be different than ours. We have families, children to take care of, stuff to manage, houses to run... that might not be your case.

 

 

 

 

Well, then I must be the exception to your rule. Going 8 years. Obviously we meet one another in person too.

 

I think that facetiming for hours is sustainable in the short term, but not long-term.

 

My suggestion is: keep the routines that are sustainable in the longer term, and enjoy the crazy stuff now and then, because we like some thrill too, right?

 

Or not.

 

Thanks for having me! We're both in our 30's. She has a child, who I also FaceTime (she asks to do so). We're just treating it as though we're together in person, whilst we work on closing the gap.

[d0nnivain]

Hopefully your 62 days until you are reunited will pass in the blink of an eye.

[Happy3917]

Hopefully your 62 days until you are reunited will pass in the blink of an eye.

 

Thank you!!! She was in England with me only 2 weeks ago... and when I booked this trip, it was at 145 days, or something... so it's rocketing. Have a great day!